OXS550 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I posted and got advice about dealing with the pain. The responses have helped a lot. But what I can't understand is why my ex came back 7 months ago, still kept her bf (who i didnt know about till recently), she accepted my proposal in Nov 15 and we were allegedly having a kid, till she lost it (so she says). Obviously she doesn't have a problem cheating, the new bf wasn't enough to keep her from coming back. But living two separate lives just has me scratching my head. Now to top it off shes allegedly 3 months pregnant and it was conceived the first week of Jan. We were together NYE - Jan 4. Realistically I hope this kid isn't mine, but there's no asking her, as we haven't spoke since feb 7. Pretty much I was the fill in guy on days she wasn't with him. Finally someone anon sent me an email with pictures of her and her boss. So all the holes and MIA throughout the past 7 months made since. So I've obviously realized I deserved better and shes not who she was when we met. But my brain just won't stop trying to rationalize or wanting to understand wtf happened. I think I would of felt better had she just said she was with him. But instead she denied throughout February until I finally got the pictures. There was no explanation, no admittance, just silence. So Feb 7 it was I love you, Ill see you later, then dead silence since. She knows I found out, due to my lashing out and emailing her the pics. Obviously she never responded. I just want to understand all this but at the same time I don't care. Such a mess. 1
chesca210 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 You don't deserve that. Go up to her and demand some answers. Be a man and stand up to her. Hell you just might impress her 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Wait, back the truck up: She is saying you might be the father of her baby? If that's the case, you have every right to know the truth. What do you mean, there's no asking her? Don't bother with email, pick up the dang phone and tell her she needs to speak to you or she can speak to your lawyer. Even if you have no intention of pursuing it legally, that should shock her enough into being honest. 2
Author OXS550 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) Well her personality is completely avoiding, she wont answer period. There's a chance it could be mine, due to her telling a friend the week she conceived. However the OM is going through a divorce, so I spoke with his wife and shes court ordering a paternity test. Now whether they do it early or 7 months from now I dunno. She's a complete sociopath, down to every description I've read about them. In November she alleged to be pregnant with my kid, but lost it Jan 22. So I'm kinda doubting the prior pregnancy, but she did gain like 17 lbs. We were still doing are thing NYE to weekend. And first week of Jan is her alleged conception date. So there is really know way to know. I'm def rooting for the OM though, I really don't wanna be tied to her for 18 years. She hasn't mentioned the current baby, because she was stringing me along up until last month. She prob did not expect I'd catch her. I found out about baby and everything from another person we both know. Mainly I must be a bull and attracted to red flags, so at this current moment I'm chill and couldn't care less. But ask me again in a few hours and I'll be complete opposite. Edited March 8, 2016 by OXS550 addition 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Send her a message. Tell her she needs to call you or will ask your attorney to call her to get some clarification. Call her bluff here. She has no right going around and telling other people she could possibly be pregnant with your child without breathing a word of it to you. If it's true, she needs to grow the hell up and talk to you. if it's not true, she needs to grow the hell up and stop inventing rumors about you. 1
Author OXS550 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Send her a message. Tell her she needs to call you or will ask your attorney to call her to get some clarification. Call her bluff here. She has no right going around and telling other people she could possibly be pregnant with your child without breathing a word of it to you. If it's true, she needs to grow the hell up and talk to you. if it's not true, she needs to grow the hell up and stop inventing rumors about you. Well that's the thing, shes telling the OM its his and they work together so technically know one except our friends and my family where I live knew she was pregnant by me. Now she said she lost our baby on Jan 22. But you can't lose a baby on Jan 22 and conceive a baby the first week of Jan, by some other guy. Hope that makes sense. Obviously she is lying about It to everyone and has been leading two lives. So she hasn't said this "current" baby is mine, but the timing suggest it could be. If she even thought it was, she'd have to admit to her BF that shes been cheating on him with me for 7 months. So she damn sure is gonna play the role that its his regardless. She knows i'm not the type to overlook her betrayal. Had I known she was seeing him when we split last June, I wouldn't of taken her back.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Then just cut her out of your life for good. You know she's toxic. Don't enable your own mistreatment any longer. 2
Author OXS550 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Yall are definitely right, poisoning myself with her drama was bad enough. No reason to continue doing it to my brain any further. I know my true value and its above this all. Going to keep focused on future and stay out of the past.
NolaLeForte Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 What a horrible thing to have experienced! I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like this person has turned your (and others) worlds upside down and hasn’t given it a second thought. It’s only normal to want to rationalize and have an explanation. Our brains like understanding things, and they also like predictability. They also have a duty to you to understand things to keep you from getting hurt in the future- it gives you control, and eases the pain. You know that you deserve better, but that doesn’t give any insight to what was really going on and doesn’t give you any means to take control of situation. You absolutely do deserve an explanation, or at the very least, the biggest, most humble apology. Given what you’ve said about her behavior in the past, it does not seem likely that she will give you a straight answer if you ask her as she is already avoiding you (and she herself might not know). I’m concerned that if you do ask her directly and she ghosts it will just put you back at square one and make you even more frustrated. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions demonstrate loud and clear what her approach to relationships and other people are. You know that she is not good for you, you know that she does not take your feelings into consideration, and you know how she handles relationships, and your heart. It’s not a nice feeling to look at your partner and say that, but past behavior is one of the best predictors of future behavior, so if that’s how she’s acting now, you can generally expect more of the same in the future. Maybe making your own closure would be helpful. Making mantras and your own explanation are sometimes useful. Something like, “I don’t know why she did this, but she has her issues, and if I continue to involve myself with her I will only receive more heartbreak, and I know that I deserve better than that. I do not need to know the reason why she acted as she did to be happy, I am content without this toxic influence in my life.”, or whatever works for you. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and say that to yourself, and really feel it. If you feel that your brain keeps wanting to think about it, do your mantra, and take 20 breaths in and out and clear your mind. Your brain will still want an answer, but you’re giving it one, and while you can’t force yourself to not think about something, you can clear your mind to not think about anything. I hope that helps, and I’m sorry again for everything that you’ve been through! x 1
Author OXS550 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Thank you so much! That really put things into perspective. I was currently in that "cant control brain" mode before you posted. Today I gave all of her sons belongings to her ex husband and that was hard to do. I definitely do not need anything toxic in my life and she is that. So I am staying focused on ghosting her out so to speak and controlling my brain. The hardest part is losing a 5 year old, you were a father to and changed his diapers. His paternal dad and I were trying to figure out how to tell him I will no longer be around. Unfortunately my ex will not do it and just tells him I am at work. So today I find myself more concerned about the son then anything else
Chi townD Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Dude, just let her go. Her actions speak louder than her words. Her words are nothing but lies away, but pictures tell a different story. And if you were the father, she would still be in contact with you in some way, shape or form. So, if she has no problem ignoring you and writing you off, then I have a feeling that you aren't the father and she knows it. Sorry you're here, dude.
RRM321 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I just want to understand all this but at the same time I don't care. Such a mess. Not caring is the smarter choice. There's a psychology to what she is doing but, for the level of effort it would take you to figure it out - you could get a masters degree in quantum physics.
Author OXS550 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Not caring is the smarter choice. There's a psychology to what she is doing but, for the level of effort it would take you to figure it out - you could get a masters degree in quantum physics. Lol! I've said that many times. Could have a doctorate trying to understand the psychology of exes. I came with terms that closure really doesn't need to come from her. It wouldn't be the truth anyway. I consider it a bullet dodge and shes someone else's problem. I get to pick a new one who is more mature, less crazy and can be truthful for once.
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