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If you're a BS who stayed, do you now think all people [cheat?]

Popsicle

By Popsicle
in General Relationship Discussion

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TrustedthenBusted Established Member

TrustedthenBusted

Posted
Posted

I believe most people cheat at some point. And I think the numbers increase with the cheaters level of overall attractiveness to the opposite sex. (not just looks )

 

Basically, if you can....at some point along the way, you probably will.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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Posted

Hmmm...okay. Maybe it's mostly just WS's and BS's who think this way.

Sub Established Member

Sub

Posted
Posted

Maybe this is ignorant of me though. I remember reading an article about how in marriages where the woman earns significantly more money than the man, there is a higher than average rate of infidelity among men. Basically because if they feel emasculated within the marriage, they will go find someone who makes them feel "like a man." So maybe my xbf would have cheated after all.

 

I'm a little surprised by this, maybe because my personal experience has been the opposite. My W, my best friends XW, and a couple others I know of, all made significantly more money than their H's at the time they strayed. I do think that some breadwinners feel a sense of entitlement if they think the other half isn't pulling their weight, regardless of gender.

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Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted

I believe most people remain loyal to their spouse...however....I do think many people go into marriage with the idea that it is disposable.

 

I just do not think the majority of folks cheat.

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velvette Established Member

velvette

Posted
Posted

I never thought about this as a reason to stay.

 

 

But, I didn't need a justification to explain to myself or anyone else why I chose to stay.

 

 

In thinking about it now, hard to say. In my circle of close friends/family, more people are faithful than cheat imo. Add in casual acquaintances or coworkers, and the number of cheaters goes up. Assume there are those I cant say for sure and it goes up again.

 

 

I would say max 40% cheat. But, the stats are unreliable.

 

 

More importantly, I now believe that anyone can cheat given the opportunity and perfect storm of circumstances. Some only need opportunity.

 

 

People would be better served imo not to extend blind trust to their spouses and acknowledge that anyone can cheat and work to affair proof their marriage instead.

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JohnAdams Established Member

JohnAdams

Posted
Posted

I also do not believe the majority of people cheat and I sincerely wish I was in that majority group. As a bs you certainly pay more attention to infidelity.

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted

I know not all people cheat, but I am too afraid to take a chance again. I am also afraid to D.

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Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted
I don't think all men and all women cheat. I do however think cheating is on the rise. The sad thing is you just never really know.

 

C

 

I'm late to this thread and don't have much to contribute to what has been rightly said before, however the line above is 100% on the money. Folks, if you've been cheated on, how did you know? Your friends told you? The cheater told you? Usually you never know, or if you know you'd be the last one to know.

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ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

I've spoken a few times about the male dominated industry that I worked in & the 'Culture of Adultery' there. From the top down all the men were in active A's with coworkers so partners were NEVER invited to any social events.

 

Every summer my whole section of the company spent a week in Spain. There were a couple of conferences but it was really a alcohol soaked jolly. It was sickening to watch the MM (We had way fewer MW) sniffing after all the women.

 

It cost the company a lot of money & when we merged with another company it became an issue. In the end it was put to a vote, 'Who wants to continue with the free 'team building' vacation. Who doesn't & why?'

 

The results were an outstanding NO! The reason "We don't want to spend a week away from our wives. If partners were included we would vote YES!"

 

I never noticed the MAJORITY of MM who went to the conferences & meals before returning to their hotel room, phoning their wives & going to sleep!

 

Like many things in life some people & their actions are just so memerable that we see them as 'many', 'normal' etc.

 

Ok a LOT of MM in our industry had affairs but the vote spoke volumes....ok some didn't want to go because their mistresses didn't work for our section of the company!! Hahaha!

 

Sometimes it feels like EVERYONE does something but reality is very different.

 

I married Mr Nice Guy. He had only had sex with 1 woman before me. People asked to describe him will always start with how nice & kind he is. Maybe he's too nice to say no! (I've actually considered that & the fact he's 'missed out' on sleeping around as reasons for his infidelity).

 

As a BS it's so hard to stop myself thinking "if he will any man will". I mourn the loss of my innocence every single day. I refuse to become so jaded & cynical to believe that ALL men do! I know that my Dad & my brother would never, ever, lower themselves & have an A. They can't be the only 2!!!

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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I know not all people cheat, but I am too afraid to take a chance again. I am also afraid to D.

 

Boom. You just summed up how I think my friend feels.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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Posted
I've spoken a few times about the male dominated industry that I worked in & the 'Culture of Adultery' there. From the top down all the men were in active A's with coworkers so partners were NEVER invited to any social events.

 

Every summer my whole section of the company spent a week in Spain. There were a couple of conferences but it was really a alcohol soaked jolly. It was sickening to watch the MM (We had way fewer MW) sniffing after all the women.

 

It cost the company a lot of money & when we merged with another company it became an issue. In the end it was put to a vote, 'Who wants to continue with the free 'team building' vacation. Who doesn't & why?'

 

The results were an outstanding NO! The reason "We don't want to spend a week away from our wives. If partners were included we would vote YES!"

 

I never noticed the MAJORITY of MM who went to the conferences & meals before returning to their hotel room, phoning their wives & going to sleep!

 

Like many things in life some people & their actions are just so memerable that we see them as 'many', 'normal' etc.

 

Ok a LOT of MM in our industry had affairs but the vote spoke volumes....ok some didn't want to go because their mistresses didn't work for our section of the company!! Hahaha!

 

Sometimes it feels like EVERYONE does something but reality is very different.

 

I married Mr Nice Guy. He had only had sex with 1 woman before me. People asked to describe him will always start with how nice & kind he is. Maybe he's too nice to say no! (I've actually considered that & the fact he's 'missed out' on sleeping around as reasons for his infidelity).

 

As a BS it's so hard to stop myself thinking "if he will any man will". I mourn the loss of my innocence every single day. I refuse to become so jaded & cynical to believe that ALL men do! I know that my Dad & my brother would never, ever, lower themselves & have an A. They can't be the only 2!!!

Okay you have inspired me to ask another question about this in the business section.

TrustedthenBusted Established Member

TrustedthenBusted

Posted
Posted

If you believe the most popular statistics out there, and not looking JUST at married people, the answer seems to be that "most" people cheat. Better than half, anyway.

 

And that's the group that cops to it.

 

I think it's as rampant as its ever been, and that the group of people who DON'T do it, are comprised, in large part by people for whom the opportunity to cheat is severely limited.

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purplesorrow Established Member

purplesorrow

Posted
Posted
If you believe the most popular statistics out there, and not looking JUST at married people, the answer seems to be that "most" people cheat. Better than half, anyway.

 

And that's the group that cops to it.

 

I think it's as rampant as its ever been, and that the group of people who DON'T do it, are comprised, in large part by people for whom the opportunity to cheat is severely limited.

 

Have you cheated? I had plenty of opportunity, just no desire to do so.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
...of the opposite gender cheat?

 

One of my best friends was cheated on, and instead of leaving him she decided that all men cheat so there was no point in leaving. She would repeat it often "they all cheat", she truly believed that (I would often tell her no, not true, but she didn't listen). I think she wanted to believe this because it made feel more comfortable with her decision to stay. How could she really believe this? And no, she did not have cheating in her past or between her parents. I am wondering if this is a simple justification for her. Any other BS's feel this way? That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man?

 

Thank you ahead of time for your answers.

 

In the culture I'm from a lot of women believe this and it's sort of a truism and mantra that people toss around. Just like in America where there are many ideas about "boys will be boys" or other ideas that essentially say women should accept men behaving badly because "men are just like that..." In both cases it really is a disservice to both sexes to believe these things.

 

In any case though, many women from my original culture believe this wholeheartedly, and it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy where because men are expected to be unfaithful, many of them are and many don't even try to be faithful because they're almost given a pass before they even do it. Many women then just expect that the man should at least have some tact about his cheating and many aspire to be "the wife" instead of trying to expect fidelity. In that culture that's a large part of how women cope with this. They believe all men cheat so instead of infidelity being the ultimate crime, it's more about how the man goes about he infidelity (is he discreet, did he get someone else pregnant etc) and aspiring to having public status as "the wife." They figure being the wife brings more social benefits and status than being the OW or mistress, so for many of them they can turn a blind eye if they feel their husbands aren't brazen about the cheating and still take care of them, treat them well and things like that.

 

I think it's sad that instead of holding men to a higher standard this is what happens, but then, I also get it on another level, where if you have countless examples of "this is how it is," it is more pragmatic to make infidelity a lesser offense and find other measures for love or happiness in your R that aren't about fidelity and try to live by that. If you truly believe all men cheat and see it around you, then I understand the rationale for making your choice to stay or be with a man more about other things you deem important outside of fidelity. That's not my choice, but it's a reasonable choice for many.

Edited by MissBee
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RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted
I'm late to this thread and don't have much to contribute to what has been rightly said before, however the line above is 100% on the money. Folks, if you've been cheated on, how did you know? Your friends told you? The cheater told you? Usually you never know, or if you know you'd be the last one to know.

 

For both of us (mine and his) we found evidence on each other's phones! Ahh technology. - and when confronted, fessed up.

 

And for both of us, NONE of our friends, or anyone else besides the two of us, and the "affair partner" knows... So, not last to know, but first to find out I guess.

 

I would wager to bet that none of our friends would ever guess that either of us was capable of cheating - they think we are the perfect couple.

 

I wonder how many couples we "know" have had cheating in their relationship, yet no one in the social circle knows about it.

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Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted

Well the logical answer is no.

 

The rational

answer is no.

(this is in response the the Ops original inquiry)

TrustedthenBusted Established Member

TrustedthenBusted

Posted
Posted
Have you cheated? I had plenty of opportunity, just no desire to do so.

 

 

In my life? Sure. College... dating... drinking...

 

In High School, got a chance to make out with Heather Shard...couldn't ( or didn't ) resist. Yep.

 

But not on my wife, or in any serious relationship, no.

purplesorrow Established Member

purplesorrow

Posted
Posted
In my life? Sure. College... dating... drinking...

 

In High School, got a chance to make out with Heather Shard...couldn't ( or didn't ) resist. Yep.

 

But not on my wife, or in any serious relationship, no.

 

No cheating in wife by choice or no opportunity?

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted

I think the majority of people are only as honest as their options.

 

I didn't say ALL, I said the majority.

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ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted

I went the opposite way of your friend.

 

I've been cheated on by two different men, one much worse than the other. My ex (we broke up well after the incident for different reasons) posted ads on a website (he claims he never intended to meet up with anyone but I'm not sure I believe that) and when I caught him, he gave me access to everything and begged me to stay, which I did. My other ex had multiple OW but one main one, and she stalked me for a year before I even found out about her. He dumped her when he found photos of me and copies of his and my text chains (she hacked his phone and had duplicates of all of his texts sent to her computer) and then he told me about it because he was afraid I was in danger (she never approached me physically though).

 

Honestly, and it's possible that I'm still just numb from my break up with the website guy (we were engaged and that one was much more recent) but I just don't care anymore if I am cheated on. I really don't.

 

I do believe everyone is capable, and it's certainly much easier to cheat now with technology being what it is, so I'm sure more people do it. I don't think everyone does though.

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Liam1 Established Member

Liam1

Posted
Posted (edited)
If you believe the most popular statistics out there, and not looking JUST at married people, the answer seems to be that "most" people cheat. Better than half, anyway.

 

And that's the group that cops to it.

 

I think it's as rampant as its ever been, and that the group of people who DON'T do it, are comprised, in large part by people for whom the opportunity to cheat is severely limited.

 

I agree with this:

 

As mentioned in another post about the men at the company party who just went up to their hotel rooms and did not engage in the flirt fest. So? That doesn't guarantee that they don't cheat. It only says they are more discreet about it.

 

The guys that keep the cheating quiet and don't show off the affair partner or cheat with coworkers are the very experienced or very concerned-about-their wives-finding-out types of cheaters. They know how to cheat with out getting caught.

 

I turned down offers to cheat for most of my marriage. Then one time the circumstances were just right and boom I cheated. Also, it cost money to cheat. It's rare to find an OW that does not want at least some wining and dining.

 

I made sure I never brought the OW to any place near my house or work. I kept everything quiet. Never hugged her in public.

If we were seen out in public she was introduced as a work acquaintance. We did not act romantic in public.

 

No one in our family or friends circle knows. My wife wants it that way.

 

I, too, hear people telling my wife what a great guy I am and I cringe, now.

 

She just smiles when they say that and says nothing.

 

Also, If I had not told my wife, she likely never would have found out. IMO, the thing would have fizzled and no one would have been the wiser.

 

Still, I did not want her to find out someday in some other way. So, I 'fessed up.

Edited by Liam1
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