If you're a BS who stayed, do you now think all people [cheat?]

March 8, 2016

...of the opposite gender cheat?

One of my best friends was cheated on, and instead of leaving him she decided that all men cheat so there was no point in leaving. She would repeat it often "they all cheat", she truly believed that (I would often tell her no, not true, but she didn't listen). I think she wanted to believe this because it made feel more comfortable with her decision to stay. How could she really believe this? And no, she did not have cheating in her past or between her parents. I am wondering if this is a simple justification for her. Any other BS's feel this way? That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man?

Thank you ahead of time for your answers.

March 8, 2016

I firmly believe that most PEOPLE don't cheat.

March 8, 2016

She would repeat it often "they all cheat", she truly believed that (I would often tell her no, not true, but she didn't listen). ... Any other BS's feel this way? That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man?

I'm saddened that your friend says "they all cheat". As a BS I don't think "they all cheat", but I can say "more cheat than you think". For every affair that is known, there are many many more that stay hidden in the closet.

I think your friend is processing her pain and needs help with dealing with it. Staying because "they all cheat" is a cop out. There's more under the surface than she is letting on. She has a defeatists approach to marriage.

March 8, 2016

...of the opposite gender cheat?

One of my best friends was cheated on, and instead of leaving him she decided that all men cheat so there was no point in leaving. She would repeat it often "they all cheat", she truly believed that (I would often tell her no, not true, but she didn't listen). I think she wanted to believe this because it made feel more comfortable with her decision to stay. How could she really believe this? And no, she did not have cheating in her past or between her parents. I am wondering if this is a simple justification for her. Any other BS's feel this way? That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man?

Thank you ahead of time for your answers.

That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man? -- People who think this way are jaded, bitter and taking the easy road -- it's easier to stay with the cheater than to leave because of their own "issues". Co-dependent, low-esteem or are of the same "level" of character. In other words, they will tolerate it because they themselves have low morals. They may not be cheaters (yet), but they lie to themselves and others or something else that makes their integrity questionable. In addition, very often a woman or man who stays with a cheater, has cheated as well or thinking about it . . .

March 8, 2016

I firmly believe that most PEOPLE don't cheat.

Popsicle,

This seems to be a topic with you.....

I am with Katielee, we are in a place where those that cheated and those that have been betrayed congregate. So, from this web site, it would seem everyone is cheating. In the real world, it is not so. Your friend has been hurt, and is projecting to all men to try and understand. Normal, but I hope she realizes there are better men out there. Pain and hurt clouds the mind.

I do think, that where you meet people makes a difference. Meet in a bar, you are going to hook up with people who drink. Not that they are bad, just that is part of what they do. Meet at a swingers club, do not be surprised, if you "new" friend wants a open marriage. If that what you want great , but do not complain about it.

So the first rule is to go to groups that live the way you want to live your life. Need to meet a good guy, try places where they are at. This will still be hit or miss, but odd increase. In the end we fall for who we fall in love with, and may not have a "real" choice.

My two cents........

March 8, 2016

Nope, never thought that.

But, having been cheated on, and having cheated....And having been propositioned by a number or married / attached men.... My eyes were opened to how many people do cheat, and its more than I had imagined.

March 8, 2016

I don't think most people cheat. I DO think that the only one you can ever really trust is yourself.

March 8, 2016

Popsicle,

This seems to be a topic with you.....

I am with Katielee, we are in a place where those that cheated and those that have been betrayed congregate. So, from this web site, it would seem everyone is cheating. In the real world, it is not so. Your friend has been hurt, and is projecting to all men to try and understand. Normal, but I hope she realizes there are better men out there. Pain and hurt clouds the mind.

I do think, that where you meet people makes a difference. Meet in a bar, you are going to hook up with people who drink. Not that they are bad, just that is part of what they do. Meet at a swingers club, do not be surprised, if you "new" friend wants a open marriage. If that what you want great , but do not complain about it.

So the first rule is to go to groups that live the way you want to live your life. Need to meet a good guy, try places where they are at. This will still be hit or miss, but odd increase. In the end we fall for who we fall in love with, and may not have a "real" choice.

My two cents........

Thank you for your reply, but this is about my friend, not me. I don't believe all people cheat, not even close. But she does and she doesn't post here. And by the way, the cheating happened with her guy 12 years ago and she met him at work when they were both single. She is still with him and still says all men cheat.

March 8, 2016

I don't think all men and all women cheat. I do however think cheating is on the rise. The sad thing is you just never really know.

C

March 8, 2016

No I don't that. I think more people leave relationships that aren't making them happy.

March 8, 2016

Pops, Hopefully I am not taking this off topic if I add another question: "What proportion of married people cheat?"

I have seen studies and surveys that have been published on this, but you can never really rely on them because you cannot guarantee that participants are going to tell the truth. Some surveys I read suggest that as many as 60% of MM and 39% of MW have participated in some kind of infidelity.

But I'd love to know what the opinion of LS members is - what proportion of married men do you feel have had a. one night stand b. long term affair? The same for women. Any ideas?

Here's a starter: -

Men: ONS: 20%, LTR:10%

Women: ONS: 10%, LTR: 4%

Edited March 8, 2016 by jenkins95

March 8, 2016

As a teacher (with no cheating history), the first time you see a student cheat, you are beyond anger and disbelief. Your trust was broken.

After a while, you learn that every semester, you will have students who will cheat or try to cheat. It's a fact. End of the discussion.

But you don't start believing EVERYBODY in the class cheats.

You might say "everyone cheats…", but what you really mean is that you expect a certain fraction of the student population will most likely cheat, but not everybody.

***BUT***

After you see your A+ sweetheart honest, totally trustworthy, and purely diligent student cheat out of desperation ONCE,

You finally also learn the hard way, that

people don't choose to cheat,

but

everyone is capable of it, given the right circumstances.

You learn

good people do bad things--sometimes.

bad people do good things--sometimes.

nobody does bad things--all times.

nobody does good things--all times.

And…you learn

not to generalize.

Popsi,

Despite what your friend 'says' out of anger and confusion,

I think she means is that from here on, she can't be 100% sure of anything.

There's a big difference between

"everybody cheats" and "I'm not sure of who doesn't cheat".

Never say 'Never'.

March 8, 2016

Love your post Burt.

March 8, 2016

...of the opposite gender cheat?

One of my best friends was cheated on, and instead of leaving him she decided that all men cheat so there was no point in leaving. She would repeat it often "they all cheat", she truly believed that (I would often tell her no, not true, but she didn't listen). I think she wanted to believe this because it made feel more comfortable with her decision to stay. How could she really believe this? And no, she did not have cheating in her past or between her parents. I am wondering if this is a simple justification for her. Any other BS's feel this way? That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man?

Thank you ahead of time for your answers.

Popsi, it sounds like a rationalization to me specifically. As tho she decided (for whatever reason - fear, isolation, etc.) that she didn't want to leave him or be alone, and then provided the rationale to justify it.

Pops, Hopefully I am not taking this off topic if I add another question: "What proportion of married people cheat?"

I have seen studies and surveys that have been published on this, but you can never really rely on them because you cannot guarantee that participants are going to tell the truth. Some surveys I read suggest that as many as 60% of MM and 39% of MW have participated in some kind of infidelity.

But I'd love to know what the opinion of LS members is - what proportion of married men do you feel have had a. one night stand b. long term affair? The same for women. Any ideas?

Here's a starter: -

Men: ONS: 20%, LTR:10%
Women: ONS: 10%, LTR: 4%

The BF is an 'insider' in the world of infidelity and he says that in his experience, women outpace men at it now. (And have done for the last many years.)

March 8, 2016

I was a BS once upon a time.

I've never thought that all men cheat. I'm more anxious about it than I used to be, though. And that's largely because I always thought that if my partner cheated, I would definitely know. But I didn't, not for a while, and I had to learn to forgive myself for not figuring it out sooner, and that took a long time and the ensuing anxiety has admittedly had a big impact on subsequent relationships, including my current marriage (although it's much more muted now than it was when we met a decade ago). It's not so much that I don't trust men anymore as that I came away with less trust in myself - in my people-picker, for one thing, but also in my ability to suss out when something's really wrong. But that's not the same thing as assuming everyone will cheat, of course.

I worked a lot on recognizing that there are things you can control and there are things you can't -- and on how to let go of the latter. One can make an educated guess about a person, and do one's best to pick someone who isn't going to seek cheating as an outlet and has decent communication skills. But in the end, there just may be unknown unknowns (like a very skilled liar, or someone driven by well-hidden demons). The key -- at least for me -- is not to punish myself for not guessing everything right or anticipating every possibility. At some point you've just gotta get on with living.

I feel sad for your friend, but it seems she doesn't want to leave him for reasons of her own, and "everyone cheats" is a convenient excuse. Is she afraid of being alone?

March 8, 2016

I would say there is a lot of emotionally invested male/female friendships at work that get very close to stepping over the edge, at times. From what I see, anyway...

March 8, 2016

Popsi, it sounds like a rationalization to me specifically. As tho she decided (for whatever reason - fear, isolation, etc.) that she didn't want to leave him or be alone, and then provided the rationale to justify it.

That's what I think too. I'm sure she thinks that she can't trust anyone now. I'm not in her position but it seems like a choice she's making. I wish she saw things differently.

March 8, 2016

That's what I think too. I'm sure she thinks that she can't trust anyone now. I'm not in her position but it seems like a choice she's making. I wish she saw things differently.

Ironically she is kinda trusting him now - the one guy she has an actual reason not to trust - and blind trust at that. :-/

March 8, 2016

I'm not a BS but I feel like I have something to add here.

I truly believe my xbf would never have cheated on me. Ever.

But the relationship was off-balance. On a surface level, I was more of a "catch" than he was and we both knew it. It's ugly to say, but true. And that fact, and related issues, messed up a great deal in our relationship.

So at this point, I'm torn. Would I rather have the guy who I know will be loyal, because I am the "better catch?" Or the guy who could cheat, but actively chooses not to... but the possibility is always there and keeps me on my toes?

Maybe this is ignorant of me though. I remember reading an article about how in marriages where the woman earns significantly more money than the man, there is a higher than average rate of infidelity among men. Basically because if they feel emasculated within the marriage, they will go find someone who makes them feel "like a man." So maybe my xbf would have cheated after all.

March 8, 2016

everyone is capable of it, given the right circumstances.

Never say 'Never'.

^ This (10 characters)

March 8, 2016

...of the opposite gender cheat?

One of my best friends was cheated on, and instead of leaving him she decided that all men cheat so there was no point in leaving. She would repeat it often "they all cheat", she truly believed that (I would often tell her no, not true, but she didn't listen). I think she wanted to believe this because it made feel more comfortable with her decision to stay. How could she really believe this? And no, she did not have cheating in her past or between her parents. I am wondering if this is a simple justification for her. Any other BS's feel this way? That all men cheat, if you're a woman, or that all all women cheat, if you're a man?

Thank you ahead of time for your answers.

Well, not a BS, but I do think that many people cheat and never get caught.

There are some very sophisticated cheating methods.

I know of men who have been cheating for years, but were never caught. Some of these guys you would NEVER SUSPECT.

I don't have any women friends so I don't know about them. But I can say that I am hit on a lot by MW at almost every business function I attend.

Regarding men, I never met one who did not think about cheating. They may claim they would never do it, but then why are they thinking about it or talking about it.

You know the saying: Me thinks thou dost protest too much.

That's what I wonder when I hear a guy talking about cheating but proclaiming over and over that he would never do that.

Part of the problem is cheating is becoming acceptable and too many people think they are missing out.

March 8, 2016

It doesn't even take being a BS to start thinking a whole lot of people cheat. For me it only took one best friend and one boyfriend getting together for one night of sleaze. You have the friend you've known since you were kids who knows everything about you and your emotions and decides it's worth it to break off a piece of your boyfriend. Then you have the boyfriend who has looked at you tenderly in so many intimate moments and then you find out you can't trust someone just because they're emotional with you either. Once you figure out you can't trust the people closest to you, it's not a big leap to saying, if not, "everybody cheats," "everybody is capable of cheating under certain circumstances."

But as a new friend of mine once said, "Try to remember, there are still some people out there who would never consider doing that to another person and it has nothing to do with you but with who they are and the standards they maintain for themselves."

March 8, 2016

I just hate to see my friend be so negative, but maybe that's exactly how she wants to be.

The ironic thing is, I have a coworker whom I'm close with who was also cheated on, and she is nothing close to negative, and the circumstances of her xH cheating were much more horrifying.

March 8, 2016

I think it's easy to "feel" like all people cheat or all people are bad after you've been betrayed, but luckily we live in a time where we don't have to rely on our feelings for valid data.

The truth is that less than half of people cheat and that's according to the worst data available. The real answer is probably closer to 3rd depending on your own personal boundaries and what you consider cheating.

Anecdotally, we all know loyal people who never cheat or might even be one of those people. Most of us know who the dangerous people are but still choose to be with them. We think that love must be enough to keep someone faithful, but it isn't. We do need to be better "people pickers." Women need to stop encouraging the "alpha male" type guys and men need to stop valuing the shallow "hot" girls. Whether we actually have the capacity to that remains to be seen.

March 8, 2016

No I don't that. I think more people leave relationships that aren't making them happy.

This is true. Ala how Tom Cruise left Nicole Kidman but I wouldn't bank on it. Not everyone is strong enough to leave.

Sign In

If you're a BS who stayed, do you now think all people [cheat?]

Recommended Posts

Popsicle

katielee

Betrayed&Stayed

Redhead14

understand50

RecentChange

wmacbride

Popsicle

Clay

waterwoman

jenkins95

burnt

RecentChange

jen1447

serial muse

katielee

Popsicle

jen1447

lemondrop21

Betrayed&Stayed

Liam1

preraph

Popsicle

HereNorThere

Popsicle

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...