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I almost broke NC today....so close, but I came here instead. THis never gets easier!

smile95

By smile95
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ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by beth5201

thanks....i never have trouble breaking the cycle. today is day 20 of NC, but it is staying strong when he call and acts sweet!

 

By not taking his call, you would be breaking the cycle. Every call of his you take sets you back several steps.

 

Breaking the cycle means breaking old habits.

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smile95 Established Member

smile95

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true....right now, it is a breeze. He does not call! lol

 

He would flip if I ignored HIM. How dare I? It is hard to let go of 3 yrs, but I know that I built him up since he was never here and now I see reality. like my blinders are coming off

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by beth5201

true....right now, it is a breeze. He does not call! lol

 

He would flip if I ignored HIM. How dare I? It is hard to let go of 3 yrs, but I know that I built him up since he was never here and now I see reality. like my blinders are coming off

 

Living in reality is an important step in getting over someone. You will begin to see things as they really are instead of how you wanted them to be.

 

That was a major hurdle for me. There was no way I could repair myself until I started to see reality for what it was. Once that happened it had a snowball effect in my personality, confidence, self-esteem and self-assuredness.

 

It's because I no longer was "fooling myself" into believing a condition existed that was never there (I wanted her to love me so much that I fooled myself into believing she did. And as such, I started treating her life a wife instead of someone who was still trying to feel me out.)

 

All the mistakes I made in the past became crystal clear. I was able to focus on healing myself, seeing things more clearly, setting goals, etc. And the by-product of all of that is confidence and self-esteem.

 

I wish you luck.

IceIceBaby Established Member

IceIceBaby

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My last relationship was exactly the same, and I'm going through the same process of trying to move on. This was my first serious, long term relationship and I never imagined it would be this hard.

 

My ex often did the no calling for days at a time, and usually for no reason at all. Apparently he just did not think of me that much. I also settled for near to no affection or attention. I could walk into that guy's apartment without so much as a nod in my direction. And for me to expect random hugging or kissing was crazy, and hand holding he just would not do.

 

I finally came to the point where I just could not take it anymore. That feeling of constantly wanting more, and that sinking feeling in my stomach every time I was dissapointed by him. It all just got old. And I refuse to go back now. I went back many times in the past, basing my decision on a one liner from him or an empty promise.

 

For me, I've been able to maintain no contact by just keeping my pride first. Let yourself get angry at the way he treated you, and use that to not allow yourself to call him or see him. You and I deserve more, and if you're never going to get what you want out of them, then take it day by day and move on. People do not change. We all like to think that someone will change for us if we are just understanding enough, but it doesn't work that way. You will always end up back in the same place. Think about the way he makes you feel, and ask yourself if you really want to feel that way again. Be stubborn and stick to no contact. Have some pride in yourself and don't back down.

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smile95 Established Member

smile95

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ice-

Good for you! That is great that you finally are sticking to a decision that you know is best. After reading and coming here, I finally believe I deserve better...not just saying it.

 

I am excited to do things for me and move on. I did all I could. I did MORE than I should have and I got walked all over. I have accepted that it is over and when he calls me after he realizes that I am gone, he can call me and I can IGNORE HIM instead of him ignoring me. If he never calls, I will live. So will you.

 

One day he will realize that I was doing a lot and accpeting a lot. Oh well. I did all I could. He never changed and when he did it was very short lived. Just until he knew he had me again. More than likely he will call me one day and I am finally seeing him for who he is and that is not someone I want in my life, let alone someone that I "love"

jen_jen_heartbroken Established Member

jen_jen_heartbroken

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Beth,

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You sound 100 times better than you did the other day. As each day passes, you will get a bit more stronger and more firm in your convictions that you do indeed deserve so much better than the crumbs this guy has to offer.

 

I'm so proud of you! You go girl! :D:bunny:

 

Jen

Jadey Established Member

Jadey

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If I called today and told him I loved him, he prob would not answer and just think"yep, I still got her on the line"

 

That is exactly right!And that is ecaxtly why you must not contact him hun! For that reason alone! :) Stay strong i know its hard im now on day 15 of NC and feel really proud of myself hehe! We can do this! ;)

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smile95 Established Member

smile95

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I did sooo well yesterday, but it always comes back to.....is he going to call me EVER??? We never even ended it!!!! UGH I HATE THIS FEELING. One minute so proud of not calling and then the next wanting to call and tell him how I feel, but he would not answer, so I would feel worse. Apathy is the best approach I hear. What if I never talk to him agian? Scary thought. Today is 21 days NC. Feels like 21 months!

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by beth5201

I did sooo well yesterday, but it always comes back to.....is he going to call me EVER??? We never even ended it!!!! UGH I HATE THIS FEELING. One minute so proud of not calling and then the next wanting to call and tell him how I feel, but he would not answer, so I would feel worse. Apathy is the best approach I hear. What if I never talk to him agian? Scary thought. Today is 21 days NC. Feels like 21 months!

 

Beth, if you never talk to him again, so be it. Those who leave you were never meant to be a part of your destiny.

 

Remember the old adage: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If not, it was never meant to be."

 

I really believe that. Leave him be and see if he comes back to you. In the meantime, focus on your self-esteem and self-confidence.

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smile95 Established Member

smile95

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thanks-lostinoc

 

 

I needed that. I just hate that I love this man and I cannot even tell him. Truth is, he does not deserve me. I know this, I am so sad to lose all my hopes and dreams that involved him. :mad::(

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by beth5201

thanks-lostinoc

 

 

I needed that. I just hate that I love this man and I cannot even tell him. Truth is, he does not deserve me. I know this, I am so sad to lose all my hopes and dreams that involved him. :mad::(

 

Actually it's "CONFUSED" but you're welcome! :laugh:

chaos70 Established Member

chaos70

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Originally posted by beth5201

thanks-confusedinoc

 

 

I needed that. I just hate that I love this man and I cannot even tell him. Truth is, he does not deserve me. I know this, I am so sad to lose all my hopes and dreams that involved him. :mad::(

 

Well, if it helps. It was initially very scary to start thinking of new dreams of future after my situation. But now that I'm about to start a new job (my dream job), it has helped me considerably and have started thinking of the future. Plus, having all that $$$ coming in to eventually furnish my place is a plus. Tired of having my computer on storage tubs. :p

 

Maybe you need to seek a change to help you into that modis as well.

This_Too_Shall_Pass Established Member

This_Too_Shall_Pass

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Oh how I know that feeling!! One day I'm feeling on top of the world, all in charge - actually, at those times I really don't care. And THAT is because I don't keep thinking about him, I'm busy humming a tune and doing my own thing.

 

And then there's "next day" - same old story. It's so familiar, dear. And I wonder again if he'll EVER contact me. In fact, with each passing day, I just get confused - should he contact me, shouldn't he, do I want him to, or don't I?

It's strange, but sometimes the thought of him contacting me actually scares me - because whatever his call / email may be about, it will refresh that pain. And that pain is so tough to endure...

 

By the way, I did read the "Lifted hearts" book! I agree it's a good read and I do identify with so many things in there. But then, as the author mentions, "If you really knew yourself, you wouldn't nead to read this book!"

And then we realize there is no magic cure.

 

You know something? As cliched as it may sound, maybe time is indeed the best healer. I mean, I have tried almost everything else ;)

Time - it's not something you can control, and its weird - when you want it to slow down, it flies by; and when you want it to fly by, it draaaaags on :)

 

Maybe it's our frame of reference. Oh well - let me not start digging into deep stuff here :D

 

But yes - maybe time will help us. And more time goes by - 3 months, 5 months, 7 months - gradually this feeling will lessen. Although I know that the ache will always remain, and so will the hurt. But hopefully there will be one day when we don't feel that sharp stab of hurt and anxiety, when we think of them.

 

Hey - I want to recommend a really good book to you - it's kind of "theoretical" at times, but I think it has some of the best advice. In fact, I saw a lot of the same theory in "Lifted hearts".

The book is called "How to break your addiction to a person", by Howard M. Halpern. You probably will like a lot of the concepts explained in here - although you hate reading books :p

 

Well - let's take this one day at a time. Just one more day, I say to myself.

Let's hang on to ourselves, at least we'll be with us all our lives! :D

dgiirl Established Member

dgiirl

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Hey Beth,

 

Keep up the good work! As time goes by, it will get easier. But dont expect a miracle. After 4 months of basic no contact, I've been wondering if there's something I could do to say to my stbxh. A one more last attempt at declaring my love for him. Well, not really, but a contact just to test the waters. But I realize right now, I'm not strong enough. If i was to do that, I know i'd start crying all over again. And the worse case scenario would be for him to reinterate what he's already told me, and honestly I cannot bear that pain again. I'm still thinking about what I should do, but for the time being i'm sticking to NC until I know exactly how I can handle the situation.

 

It's funny, as I was thinking about breaking NC yesterday, last night I went out with two guy friends. It was an amazing eye opener for me. Although I did not feel a connection with these guys, and started to miss my stbxh, just being comfortable with myself was great! I had an accident, and spilled my drink all over the table. These guys were true gentlemen, and didnt ridicule me for my accident. I felt like a complete idiot, and had my stbxh been there, I _know_ that's what he would have been thinking too. These guys were like "It's an accident, dont worry about it". And the night went on. Had I been with my stbxh, my night would have been ruined. When I make mistakes, he doesnt make me feel good about myself. In fact, he makes me feel worse about myself. Then when we were paying our bills, I couldnt figure out the tip to make the bill rounded to the nearest dollar (something my stbxh always did and laughed when I couldnt do it). They're like, just put $2 down, dont worry about the math. It's way too complicated! I was astonished. No more rules!!! Why would I want to beg my stbxh back only to go back to that treatment. If he wants to come back, he can. But things will have to change. If I asked him back, I'd be saying he can treat me anyway he wants, just as long as he comes back. Forget that! Why do I love a man that treats me like s*** :(

 

My girlfriend told me the best thing I can do for myself is to get out with as many different people as I can, either as dates or as friends. This lets you experience different people with different ideas, and you'll realize not everyone is the same. I'm definitely not going to fall in love with the first guy who comes around, but I am learning more about myself than I ever would have had my stbxh not left me.

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smile95 Established Member

smile95

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I also went out w/ a guy friend last night. It was ok and fun, but my mind wandered to missing the ex a lot. I just miss him. I mean I realized that a lot of what I miss is being a couple and holding hands and laughing, but I think it really bothers me that the ex ended this so cowardly. It has almost been a month since I did NC and that is usually when he calls. But, I have a feeling this time he will not call. I guess that is when it will REALLY hit me. I was left w/ so many questions and I do not know how to get over that. I did not do anything wrong here! What if he calls me as always and say she loves and misses me -then waht...he can't right??? He can't if he can ignore me for a month. I see that since I have taken him back so many times that he prob thinks that it is business aas usual and I will again, but whywould I want this in my life!!!! That is what Idonot uderstand. Am I brainwashed into beliveing Ilove him ??? So much was wrong, but our connection was amazing and I would do anything to just see him right now. I guess I will continir NC, but time is not helping at all whenI think of him ALL the time. I am so bummed and upset today that I cancelled my plans to go out. Then I was wondering if I maybe text him Sunday for father's day maybe to see if he will respond?

miss-gonewest Established Member

miss-gonewest

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Originally posted by beth5201

So much was wrong, but our connection was amazing and I would do anything to just see him right now. I guess I will continir NC, but time is not helping at all whenI think of him ALL the time. I am so bummed and upset today that I cancelled my plans to go out. Then I was wondering if I maybe text him Sunday for father's day maybe to see if he will respond?

 

Don't cancel your plans to go out! Sure you may miss him for a few moments while you are out, but the other option it to miss him all day/night while you sit at home by yourself!

 

Don't send him a text message for fathers day. What will it achieve? Besides maybe you should test him - he may be expecting a text, so don't send one and see if he contacts you.

 

And right now, you say you had an amazing connection - go back and read through some of your posts where you outline the many things he didn't do for you and they way you say he sometimes treated you and you may see that the connection wasn't so great. Its only because you are feeling low now, that you can look back and THINK you had a good connection.

 

You've said you don't want him back - so stop talking yourself into thinking that you do.

 

Go back to being strong Beth, you were doing so good the last few days. This is just a lapse and it will pass.

 

Now pick up the phone and make those arrangements to go out! You will feel better for it in the long run.... don't give your ex the power that makes you feel miserable and want to stay at home - he's doesn't deserve it!

This_Too_Shall_Pass Established Member

This_Too_Shall_Pass

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I agree 100%!!

 

Miss-gonewest, wish I will reach where you are one day though... :) it isn't easy yet.

 

I do find myself thinking about him a lot, haven't yet yet managed to have more than 2-3 waking hours without thinking of him. And I do wish for contact still - more because I wish I could tell him a few things too, and also because I'm don't know what he's doing these days. He's managed to completely snuff out contact. Still hurts, a LOT.

Would he be wondering what I'm doing too?

 

But this time I've decided that I will not contact him first. I'm gradually losing that urge to contact him first....although it's painful when I see no move from his side either.

 

One day...that's what I keep reminding myself....one day, he will realize, although it seems he has already moved on. And one day, I will be able to go on too.

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