I almost broke NC today....so close, but I came here instead. THis never gets easier!

[smile95]

I know y'all are probably sick of hearing from me, but I have to write in order to avoid breaking NC. I was so tempted to just call him and tell him I miss him and I love him. I know I cannot. I know that if he were good to me, maybe I could do this and call and tell him, but my goal here is to move on and this would be a bad move. I am trying to remember all the bad, but I was in love and I know he was too(at least at one point). For all of you who know my story, you know the pattern he takes. Ignores me for a month and calls and I go back. I think the problem is we never ended it. I never heard from him that he does not want me. So, how do I know that this is not just like the other times and he will call and is just stressed now w/ his life like before? What I cannot seem toget is he does not treat me right and I deserve better! How di I stop loving him. Can I? Or can I just fall out of love with him?

[smile95]

if I love him, shouldn't I tell him this?

[IrrationalEmotions]

Don't settle. You could be somewhat happy with this guy, or you could be really happy with someone else. Think it terms of the future. Would you rather be fairly happy now and probably end up divorced, or would you rather be truly happy sometime in the future?

[smile95]

Logically, I see that. Emotionally, I love this man. I think something must be wrong with me. Why am I letting this get the best of me? I could go on and on about what he has done to me, but it all comes back to "I love him and miss him" and then I get so down. I think it has a lot to do w/ the fact that we never ended it and I never got closure and how dare he ignore me when he is the one who is being such a jerk all the time! I tried counseling once and got nothing out of it but bills! But I am scaring myself.

[chaos70]

I guess my answer is that does he love you unconditionally as well. That means put all the past behind...and focus on rebuilding the future and address all the present issues. If he is just doing it to get a taste and not make it a legitimate effort in making it work...then I would say NC is the best option.

 

[IrrationalEmotions]

I'm in the same situation. Its tough to just say no when you care so much about the person, but you just have to do it so you can be happy. Thats why NC is such a great idea for our situation, because you don't really have to do anything except do nothing. I've finally gotten to the point that I don't even really want to talk to my ex anymore, so you can do it too. The trick is to go out and have fun, and try to allow yourself to be attracted to other people. I wouldn't recommend starting a relationship, but find a few new male friends who you might be interested in later on. This seems to be working for me.

[smile95]

were you truly in love with him? How long did it take for you to start feeling like you did not want to talk to him? I have been on NC for about 19 days now. The thing is....He ignored me before I did NC and will not talk to me. I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS! It is the 5th time. He usually calls after I implement NC for a month. If I called today and told him I loved him, he prob would not answer and just think"yep, I still got her on the line". I am extra emotional today. i just want to sleep and not think.

[chaos70]

Girl...don't call that fool.

Go find a good movie on tv or take a bath...or something to occupy yourself until it passes. I only WISH I can do the NC thing just because I have to maintain some sort of contact in order to get the D pushed through without raping my cash-strapped wallet.

[IrrationalEmotions]

It was a her, but yes, I was truly in love with her and was going to ask her to marry me about 2 weeks later. I had it all planned out and then she broke up with me out of nowhere. I suspect it was because she heard about my plans. Your ex sounds really immature, and I can identify. Its been 4 months since we broke up and about 3 weeks since I talked to her, and while it really hurts that I've decided not to continue a relationship even if she does call, I know it is for the best. Think about it this way, this guy is probably smugly thinking he can go back to you whenever he wants. Thats probably my ex's impression still too. You deserve someone who really respects you, and from what you said, this guy isn't mature enough to do so.

[smile95]

thanks...sorry for mxing up the her/him thing.....Ireally am trying to get over this, but due to his behavior, you see how I tend to have hope he will come back. I have good and bad days. Some days...no crying...days like today...a lot of tears. I am sorry it did not work out for you. I do agree with you. What made you stop talking to her? Did she ever call you?

[smile95]

chaos-my ex is going thru the same thing. I assume it is stressful, but there I go making excuses for him agian. As always. I would have at least liked and explanation. I realize she is taking him to the cleaners, and he is so obsessed with his $, but still, he is not thinking of me at all here. Did not even have the balls to break up with me. I think he did it to be able to come bacl and say..i needed space, i never ended it! Shouldn't NC be getting easier????I am on day 19-20 and I feel like dy 1!!!!

[IrrationalEmotions]

I called her and told her not to call me anymore because I was tired of playing that game. At that time I still really wanted to get back with her, but I couldn't handle the anguish of trying to be friends, when she seemed to take it so easily. The time without contact recently started to show me the other side of things. I also talked to some of her other friends that she'd fallen out with which really helped me to see what she was really about, which was herself. She probably wont call me back, because I was rather forceful (she considers me to be a fairly imposing character, and I am) in my request for her not to call me.

 

I'm pretty sure my ex will come back too. Shes out of the country all summer (she decided to do this long after the breakup), and I suspect when she gets back she will want to start things back up, in fact she has said as much. And the emotional side of me says that I should give things another shot. But the rational side says I'll be happier otherwise. Think about this, if this guy has been breaking up with you over and over again, that is his personality. Men don't usually change, especially if they don't make a conscious effort to do so.

[smile95]

The crazy part is....I will be relieved when he calls/if he calls(this time may be different) but not to get back. Iwas unhappy. I want the satisfaction of lettin ghim know that this time he CANNOT come back. But I sit here and say I love him. See. I am a wreck! I heard about hypnotism to erase memories. That would be great right now! How old are you and your ex?

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by beth5201

I think the problem is we never ended it. I never heard from him that he does not want me. So, how do I know that this is not just like the other times and he will call and is just stressed now w/ his life like before? What I cannot seem toget is he does not treat me right and I deserve better! How di I stop loving him. Can I? Or can I just fall out of love with him?

 

Why don't you just end the relationship then? At least you will know its over that way.... you keep saying you know you deserve better and that you wouldn't have him back if he called... why do you need to wait to hear from him?

 

Send him a card in the mail saying "Sorry, its over... I don't want this relationship anymore and I don't want you. I wish you the very best, but please don't contact me again".

 

Then its finished... over, hasta la vista, finito. And you can finally pick yourself up and move on.

 

Or you can sit and wonder and keep asking the same questions over and over and over and over and over again.

 

Just my idea - I know its probably a really harsh suggestion, and I am sorry... but at least it will be a definitive one...

[smile95]

not harsh at all. Do you believe people need closure? Or do you think it is my excuse to contact him and get a reaction? i feel i eed closure. Everything is in limbo

[d'Arthez]

Sometimes it is wiser not to expect closure from the ex, but to find it within yourself. You have been in a relationship for 3 years with him.

 

You will be the best judge to know, if he is going to give you closure lightly, or make you even more confused, and hurt. Or you can opt for the other route, and that is to find closure in yourself. And to look at the things that led the relationship astray. But factual [his divorce amongst other things], as psychologically.

 

Both routes are not easy, and both won't lead you easily out of the limbo you find yourself in. Given his ignoring behavior, I think it would be wiser to maintain NC, and focus on yourself to find closure.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Beth,

 

A good exercise for me (when I start to miss my ex) is to sit down and write down all the things about him that are not good, all the ways he hurt me, and list out the reasons that I am better off without him.

 

I know that it's so easy to romanticize him in your mind when you are in a state of longing. But try to stay focused on the reasons he is not good for you, or probably anyone else for that matter.

 

I know I've mentioned this book on here before, but it's worth mentioning again -- "Don't Call That Man" By Rhonda Findling is an excellent book and has several writing exercises to help you get through the rough times.

 

Jen

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Originally posted by beth5201

were you truly in love with him? How long did it take for you to start feeling like you did not want to talk to him? I have been on NC for about 19 days now. The thing is....He ignored me before I did NC and will not talk to me. I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS! It is the 5th time. He usually calls after I implement NC for a month. If I called today and told him I loved him, he prob would not answer and just think"yep, I still got her on the line". I am extra emotional today. i just want to sleep and not think.

 

I just wanted to add that you are only on day 19. It will take more time. It's been nearly two months for me, and it still takes work to get through the longing. There is no exact time line for the grieving process.

 

My ex used to play the same sort of games. Freak out, go away for weeks at a time, and then come crawling back, making promises that he eventually would break again. I'm finally at the place where I really know and believe that I deserve better than that.

 

Now, this doesn't mean that I don't still love him or miss him, but it's that I realize that being with him and his wishy-washiness caused me more pain and tore down my self-respect. During the course of our relationship all the push and pull caused me to become insecure and panicky, which is why I chose to cling to him and take him back each and every time. That is not healthy. Love is NOT supposed to feel like that. His behavior towards me was emotionally abusive. Love is an action, and in so many ways he wasn't loving me. I hope that soon the same lightbulb will go off in your head, which will mean that you are closer to recovery and finding a man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

Repeat this mantra whenever you reach for the phone to call him.... "I do not need him to be happy. I do not need him to live."

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by beth5201

not harsh at all. Do you believe people need closure? Or do you think it is my excuse to contact him and get a reaction? i feel i need closure. Everything is in limbo

 

Beth honey, every situation is different.... I can't give you a right or wrong answer.... Let me give you two scenarios (its late OK, I might hit three tomorrow!)

 

Background with Beth - left without a word; no contact from BF; no email; no explanation; BF has done the running away thing before, only to come back, only to do it AGAIN; long distance relationship; BF is a divorcee; BF has issues in life ie. with work, family etc, Beth goes to the rescue... I'm sure there's more - you fill in the rest!

 

Option A - Yes you want closure. You want to know what YOU have done to ruin this relationship. You want to know what YOU did to turn this man away. You gave up so much for nothing in return. You are angry and lonely and confused and its his fault - dammit! Be a man and say yes or no. Cut your ties, so I can move on!

 

Option B - Nope, you don't want closure. You do not care what he is doing, you don't want to know because he was incapable of having a relationship, and worse, he was incapable of owning his decisions. You realise that you do not need him in your life and in fact you are lucky to have him gone. You can move on to a fulfilling relationship with someone that cherishes you and the ex doesn't deserve a minute more of your time or energy.

 

My point is, YOU have a choice - you know that we all think you deserve better - but not until YOU realise that closure or an explanation or getting mad at him and telling him where to go WILL NOT CHANGE YOUR SITUATION, can you move forward. You know he isn't good for you and that you are too good for him so tell yourself that his opinion ain't worth a damn!

 

Pack him and all his shht away in a box and feel sorry for him that he missed out a great chick...

 

Like I said, I'm tired and that may not have made sense and from here it looks like a rant but I hope you get where I'm coming from...

 

PM me anytime!

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by beth5201

if I love him, shouldn't I tell him this?

 

My thoughts exactly.... I've asked the same thing here myself (and got damn good advice - check it out!)

 

But the only reason you want to do this is because you have an investment in the outcome... you want him to see the error of his ways and take you back. You want there to be some deep chit-chat about stuff, but deep down, you know you want him back.

 

Not healthy and probably not going to happen. Sorry but its true.

 

Besides why do you want him back? He's a pig... he does nothing for you and gives you nothing. Except the status of being your boyfriend.

 

 

Originally posted by beth5201

The crazy part is....I will be relieved when he calls/if he calls but not to get back. Iwas unhappy. I want the satisfaction of letting him know that this time he CANNOT come back.

 

You've answered my question/your own questions - YOU DON'T WANT HIM BACK. So then why is so important that he call?

 

Because its habit - you are trusting him to behave the way he always has and to come back eventually, only to go away again. Habits suck - trust me, I'm a smoker!

 

My guess is that he has become tired of all the shht and has moved on. My guess is that no matter what you do it won't change his character.

 

If you want closure - go ask for it. You may well get it - and I hope you can take it.

If you want this over - go end it. You will be the victor and you'll prove to him that he ain't worth your time.

 

Phew, ranting over now... sorry folks.

[smile95]

I am pretty convinced that contacting him for my closure may hurt me more. But I wonder if this 5th time is diff. Will he EVER call again, will he do the same old crap after a month and call? I guess if Iwork on myself, in a month or so, I will not care about the answers to those questions. I just feel he will call again becasue he has no reason to belive I will not take him back as always. I am keeping my "bad" list handy at all times!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by beth5201

I am pretty convinced that contacting him for my closure may hurt me more. But I wonder if this 5th time is diff. Will he EVER call again, will he do the same old crap after a month and call? I guess if Iwork on myself, in a month or so, I will not care about the answers to those questions. I just feel he will call again becasue he has no reason to belive I will not take him back as always. I am keeping my "bad" list handy at all times!

 

The problem with getting back together is that "nothing has changed."

 

You haven't changed.

He hasn't changed.

The circumstances haven't changed.

 

And when you do get back together, you can not just pick up where you left off. You have to start all over to forget the past and old behaviors.

 

You say the 5th time? Hmmm, well that's a pattern. Unless one or both of you changes, there is no point in getting back together.

 

Figure out what your issues are and work on personal improvement. You can not control him and what he does. That's completely out of your hands. Be true to yourself and focus on you.

 

If he sees a new you and he likes it, he may come back. Then again, he may not. But don't do anything to try and manipulate the relationship. Do it because it makes you a better person and in the end, you'll have a healthier relationship - with him or with someone else.

[smile95]

well I am doing my best to better myself, but he will never see that. We lives many states away. I assume he will call, if he is following the same bahavior, but it is very possible that he is tired of the cycle as much as I was, but you would think that he would have at least told me it was over. I even asked a while back to tell me it was over and he would not reply. So here I am in limbo. SUX. The only think I did was want more of his time and prob complain too much when he did not give it to me. We are LD and he could not even call me once a day, so of course when he did call, I was already mad that days had passed. That is my fault, but if he had called everyday we were fine. We had no other issues, except his personal issues at work and family. I am just going to get strong! and try not to obsess over him. You are right, everytime we get back, it is great for a week and back to the same old crap!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by beth5201

well I am doing my best to better myself, but he will never see that. We lives many states away. I assume he will call, if he is following the same bahavior, but it is very possible that he is tired of the cycle as much as I was, but you would think that he would have at least told me it was over. I even asked a while back to tell me it was over and he would not reply. So here I am in limbo. SUX. The only think I did was want more of his time and prob complain too much when he did not give it to me. We are LD and he could not even call me once a day, so of course when he did call, I was already mad that days had passed. That is my fault, but if he had called everyday we were fine. We had no other issues, except his personal issues at work and family. I am just going to get strong! and try not to obsess over him. You are right, everytime we get back, it is great for a week and back to the same old crap!

 

LDRs are never a good idea.

 

Focus on yourself and making improvements wherever necessary. Make yourself a better person, learn to love yourself and seek approval within and you will not care what he thinks of you.

 

And in the process, other men will notice you more. It's subtle at first, trust me, but it works

 

BREAK THE CYCLE.

 

Good luck.

[smile95]

thanks....i never have trouble breaking the cycle. today is day 20 of NC, but it is staying strong when he call and acts sweet!