Bluegum Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 [LONG STORY] Hi everyone. This is a story about my relationship with another girl, A. (Yes, I'm a girl too. Sorry to those homo-phobics out there) So I've been in love with this girl since 2011. I fell in love with her first but at that point of time she was having a crush on some other girl. I was pretty upset but I managed to wait for half a year before she decided to give our r/s a try. I was 21, she was 20 back then in 2011. During our r/s we always quarreled over the slightest lamest **** but we were always there for each other and managed to stick around for about a year +. In 2013, we broke up over stupid lame stuff. Because we were having lame quarrels every time, so I just randomly said "let's break up". (Lol, stupid I know. I'm always saying things that I don't mean when I'm angry) She agreed to the breakup. I was shocked and immediately regretted after it and asked for patch a few days later. She didn't want the patch because she said I've hurt her way too much. But eventually, her feelings took over her and we became more than friends. Our status from 2013 till 2016 were just "More than friends". Can you guys imagine? 3 years. We held hands, were intimate, were super close (but no sex/kissing) till the point that people thought we were still in a r/s but we were not. We just didn't want to let each other go because we still loved each other a lot. But I just don't know why she doesn't want a r/s with me when I kept asking for one. So we're been on and off for I think 7-8 times since our breakup in 2013 till 2016 where we just ended. 7-8 times on and off! LOL. Till the point that our mutual friends were so sick of it that they suggest us to just break off and just get the hell out of each other's life once and for all. But each time, we just ran back to each other and decided to give each other a second chance because we were too familiar with each other. But again, our status was just "More than friends". I thought this was meant to be. I thought there was a saying that if someone is always on your mind, then he or she is meant to be in your life. She has never left my mind since 2011 when I fell for her. I think of her every single day even up till today. This year, last month, we "broke up" again because I went out to have lunch with one of my colleague, Z (whom I've told my ex before that Z might like me). But I was just having a casual lunch with Z because I have no one to have lunch with on that day. My ex got super angry of it and didn't speak to me for 5 days. She mentioned in the message that I can do whatever the hell I want, and go out with whoever I want because she thinks that it's no use getting angry over this and ignored me for a week. She even told me she has no feelings for me anymore because I kept doing **** to piss her off. (Contradicting much???) A few days later, I texted her asking what the hell does she want. If she wants to end the r/s then just let me know and we can stop dragging it any longer because we haven't been talking for a week. She just suddenly replied "Let's end this, I don't want this anymore." (lol) Just because I had lunch with a colleague of mine. I was like wtf? She also mentioned that she has totally no more feelings for me anymore and she's not happy being with me. She wants to find her happiness elsewhere. I'm like okay.... We'll end this, again. So we stopped talking. Few days later after we ended our r/s, I found out from my friend that my ex was pretty interested in one of her friends and asked for her number from her. They have been going out pretty often and been texting every single day non stop. She even tweeted that she's very happy and that she's falling in love with this new friend of hers. She also deliberately tweeted that she's shocked how she's able to go so far for someone else who she has barely know for 2 weeks. Uh... How can someone's feelings fade so fast, I don't know. Lol. I'm in almost 3 weeks of no contact. I wake up everyday feeling like a piece ****. I totally lost all my interest in everything in life. I still love her a lot, I still want this on and off r/s with her even though it's leading to nowhere because I still want her in my life and I don't want to lose her. I know I'm stupid. But it's my feelings, I can't help it. I still think that we are meant to be. But all my friends are telling me to move the hell on because I can find someone better. But I've tried going out with different guys and my mind just can't seem to get off my ex. I just can't! She's on my mind 24/7. I get upset whenever I think of her and her new potential lover. I don't know if she's doing it on purpose to spite me, or she's just really happy with her life now. HELP!
smudge21 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) I still want this on and off r/s with her even though it's leading to nowhere because I still want her in my life and I don't want to lose her. I know I'm stupid. But it's my feelings, I can't help it. These lines really sunk in with me as that's exactly my current situation and it is crushing when you can go from being so close to someone to then suddenly nothing all within a heartbeat. You're left thinking "so was that it, all this time and you just walk away without a care in the world or a single thought for me". It's harsh and hurts so bad but sadly there's truly nothing you can do. People just change, and sometimes back to the person they always were not the actor we fell for. I know too that pain of wanting someone in your life who deep down you know is wrong for you, or simply just doesn't seem to care as much. Part of you wants to flick a switch and turn off the feelings whereas the other part wants to keep pushing and try to make something happen. After all, if you keep trying, then surely they'll eventually come round, right? Sadly that's often wrong as what normally happens is you end up pushing them further away. You're right, you cannot control your feelings, none of us can, so don't beat yourself up because you fell in love with someone. Never do that. I'm currently swaying between simply getting in touch and asking the wtf happened or just walking away. To me it feels like it's all over so I have zero to lose, so might as well go out with style.. but then again, sometimes it's good to go out with dignity too - after all, if they can just walk away without a care, then reaching out to them isn't going to make a single bit of difference or affect them in any way. So maybe silence is best. You got to ask yourself if you need to know why this happened, why she changed or can you walk away. I wish I had more positive words for you but I just see a lot of what I've been through in your post and can't find the happy ending you're hoping for. Sometimes things just change, end, finish, come crashing down around us and there's simply nothing we can do... accept... let go, take some time, heal and wait for the next, better, one to come along. Edited March 8, 2016 by smudge21 adding more 1
Toodaloo Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Why on earth do you want all this drama in your life? Seriously its no fun, its dull and gets really tedious after a while. I suspect that is why after being on, off, on and off its finally off. This girl is not for you. Time to move on and let her move on too. Read the rules of no contact, act upon them and get on with LIFE! There is so much more to it than faffing about for years on end constantly trying to figure out are we or are we not... I know this sounds hard but... get on with it. Time to pull up your big girl pants and be grown up now. Smudge that goes for you too. Don't you dare relapse. 2
Zahara Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I still love her a lot, I still want this on and off r/s with her even though it's leading to nowhere because I still want her in my life and I don't want to lose her. I know I'm stupid. But it's my feelings, I can't help it. No, you don't want a relationship with someone that is going nowhere. It makes no sense and you know it. That's just your irrational side talking. It's only been 3 weeks NC. You're going to feel absolutely devastated. You're going to feel like you're going to die. The thought of never being with her again is unfathomable that your brain will tell you to settle for just about anything because you're absolutely terrified of losing what's been familiar and comfortable for you. Yes, you're going to be driven by your emotions. Everything is bleak. You feel a hole in your soul. All normal. We've all been through it and we've all felt the anxiety and pain of losing someone. But if you give yourself time, those "feelings" will change and they will fade. Your REALITY with her however will always remain the same in that you will spend years of your life in an unstable and volatile relationship. That kind of pain in indefinite. Don't place all your power in "feelings". They're temporary. Focus on your reality and let that be your guide. Don't waste your years in unfulfilling relationships. There's so much more out there but you'll never know that until you let go. Stay NC. You'll thank yourself one day.
Orion39 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I've one of those on and off relationships, I thought we would last forever, but we didn't. The best thing that we did was take time off and time away. Rather she told me to get the **** out of her life and I was beyond broken by that. Short of it, after some time we were able to come back together and be good friends and are still today. Perhaps that is a road you could take. Cut ties with her for the time being and sometime in the distant or not so distant future come back and be friends.
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