Is my BF a fraud?

[amIstupid]

I got myself in a strange situation and want some outside opinions of whether I'm being overly naive or just paranoid. It's a complicated story but I'll try to presented clearly to the best of my abilities.

 

I met my BF (let's say his name is Bill) back in 2014 while I was in Canada. I was on a fixed term contract which was going to expire in 6 months so I knew I'd have to leave the country. Me&Bill liked each other and started dating. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stay in Canada so I told him I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. He agreed and we continued to see each other, but it was more of a casual relationship. I was staying in a shared house with flatmates who were Bill's friends (that's how we met) and they often had parties on the weekends. They didn't know at the time about me&Bill. Whenever Bill came to one of these parties, he called his best friend (let's name her Jane) to pick him up. I didn't want to be to nosy about her, but he eventually told me she and her family had helped him financially in the past, that he&Jane used to work together and that they slept together a few times but it was all over at that time. Bill told me that she was interested in pursuing a relationship with him, but he just wasn't in love with her.

 

We continued dating and I'd usually come to his place. He told me he was flatting with some guy who I never met. I always had to come to his house when flatmate wasn't there and leave before he came back from work. One time I was at Bill's house I opened a drawer in his bedroom and it was filled with women's underwear. I was shocked and asked him about it and his response was that it was his flatmate's GF's underwear. He said his flatmate didn't have enough closet space in his bedroom so he asked if he could keep it in Bill's bedroom. I told him very clearly I absolutely did't want to be in the middle of anything. I found it extremely odd, but he convinced me it was true. At that time we were still not very serious so I let it go. There was also one time I missed the last train after leaving his house, and Bill just left me at the train station saying he had to go back home. It was after dark, winter, pretty much in the middle of nowhere and I had to call a cab, so I had to wait for about 30 min.

 

After a couple of months of dating, Bill told me he fell in love with me and wanted a serious relationship. I was hesitant because of my circumstances so I told him I can't guarantee I was going to come back to Canada. The following weekend we went out and he got drunk. He told me he needs to know whether I can get serious with him because he needs to give Jane some answers. While we were out, Jane kept on calling him. I didn't really understand what was going on, but he somehow reassured me that everything was fine. The week before I left Canada we went for a few day trip.

 

After I left we kept in touch and he found a new job in Jan 2015 in a different city so he moved. I came a few months later to visit him and decided to pursue a relationship. I moved in with him in June 2015.

 

Today I found Bill's old bank statements from Oct to Dec 2014 (just before he relocated). Some of transactions say clearly "Jane Bill Rent" and "Jane Bill electricity". I also found 2 parking tickets under Jane's name.

 

I know for a fact that he's not in touch with Jane anymore. He texted for Christmas but she didn't reply. I know he's gonna come up with some sort of (crazy) explanation when I confront him. Am I being stupid or is he a liar?

Edited March 8, 2016 by amIstupid

[whichwayisup]

Already you don't trust him. You know in the past they did sleep together and she is interested in him. There is something between them, why else would he say Jane needs answers? Like if you say no he's gonna run to her and date her right away? Really think if you want to invest in him further, especially since you're leaving Canada soon and not sure if you're coming back. Don't bank on him being there for when you do come back.

[SammySammy]

What is your gut feeling?

 

What do you think the truth is?

[amIstupid]

What is your gut feeling?

 

What do you think the truth is?

 

I don't know, I always trusted him 100% but this "evidence" is making me seriously doubt him. I know Jane's mom borrowed him some money and he was paying her back, so he could claim that instead of transferring money to the mom he was paying her daughter's rent. But that would prove he&Jane lived in the same house (or room???) because the rent money was transferred to one account, which indicates they had the same landlord. And if I couple this with the underwear ... it's just too much. He also told me at the time that Jane was living with her parents. And I forgot to add, he told me that after he moved out of the house she took his room.

Edited March 8, 2016 by amIstupid

[SammySammy]

If he had a male roommate or a female roommate that he wasn't having sex with, why would it be necessary for you to only visit when they weren't there?

[amIstupid]

Yeah I know, it doesn't make much sense. What really puzzles me though is if he lived with her and they had something going on, how could he get away for a week when we went on our trip? And I also met her a couple times when she came to pick him up, he wasn't hiding her (or me).

 

edited to add: there are 3 monthly bank statements. On each of them there is my BF's payment specified as "Jane&Bill rent and electricity" and there are also monthly Jane's deposits to my BF's account in a value of slightly less than half of "Jane&Bill rent and electricity".

 

Is it fair to assume he was keeping her on a side just in case things wouldn't work out with me? How could she let that happen? She just let him go after he told her assumingly told her about me?

Edited March 8, 2016 by amIstupid

[Zapbasket]

Come on, OP, the answer to your mystery is as plain as day.

 

He is keeping Jane on a string. It's probably her underwear, if they're not actively sleeping together he obviously hasn't made clear to her that he's not interested and so he allows a mire of vague romantic feelings to persist on both sides. She is probably the other roommate he doesn't want you to see--rent checks, underwear, her driving him to these socials. Come on. Sometimes the simplest answer is the most accurate.

 

He says he's fallen in love with you. Well, when you're in love, truly, it automatically closes out other options in your mind. So that doesn't logically jibe with the fact that he still has this Jane hanging on wanting answers. If he doesn't love her, as he said, then why is he letting her hang on, feeling confused and wanting answers?

 

Because he's coasting. And why shouldn't he? This is why I fail to see the merit of "not-serious" relationships. You want him to show you the seriousness, exclusivity, and openness about his life that a boyfriend would and should give, when it was YOU who clearly set the parameters about how far this relationship could ever go. Yes, it would be nice if he were honest, but he doesn't owe you honesty. I'm not saying he's in the right--quite the opposite: what kind of person keeps someone hanging when they acknowledge they don't love them? Obviously if he were your boyfriend in a "serious" relationship, he wouldn't give you much more than he's giving now.

 

Think of yourself, your goals, the kind of relationship you ultimately want to have, and end this thing. He is NOT in love with you; he just sounds like he doesn't want to be alone. Jane deserves better and so do you.

[amIstupid]

I would never date someone who's double dating me and I made this very clear since the beginning. I had to leave the country so I didn't want to get too attached, but in my eyes, a relationship with a short expiry date and multi-dating are two very different things. I told my BF clear I don't want to be involved with someone who's sleeping around.

 

As I wrote in my first post, he moved out of that house in Jan 2015, so more than a year ago. We have lived together since June 2015 and as far as I know they haven't been in touch since then.

[preraph]

It seems clear he has been living with Jane this whole time and cultivating you on the side. Now he's gotten lost in all his lies and actually says he needs to let Jane know something, because he's either lost track of what he has and hasn't told you or doesn't think you could possibly not know about her despite what he's said. So now sounds like he's ready to run her off in favor of you, but what are the chances he won't do exactly the same thing to you as he's done to Jane in a couple years' time? Because obviously the grass is always greener for him. I wouldn't make any moves or commitment with him. he's not trustworthy.