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Posted

One of my best friends is a guy. We have known each other and been friends for 25 years, he was my neighbor growing up. We have always kept in touch over our adult lives even when life got busy we always checked in with a "how's things going" call. We've gone on trips together, partied together, slept in the same bed together. We have never dated, never kissed, I've never had any sexual thoughts about him and if he did about me he's always been respectful and never voiced them. He just got out of a 5 year relationship and I was good friends with his girlfriend (she cheated on him so I stopped talking to her because I was upset she hurt him) all in all I love him like he's my brother, he's always been family to me. Recently we've started doing hiking trips, never alone but with a group of mutual friends. This past weekend my father and sister and my 2 young sons came with us. The problem is my husband. He has always been an insecure person but recently he has been picking me and my guy friends relationship apart and saying I'd rather be with him, I'm trying to replace him, basically coming up with every worst thing he could say about my relationship with my guy friend. He's accused me of cheating on him and saying our relationship is wrong and I have to choose between him and my husband. On a side note I caught my husband talking on his ex last year and once again I was made out to be the one overreacting. I just want to know if my relationship with my guy friend is wrong and if I decide to not end the friendship am I in the wrong? I've made several attempts to get them together and hang out all of us and they have met and even worked together for a while. But my husband is very intense in the way he thinks, he thinks just because he thinks a certain way than everyone must. He is always thinking the worst. This is my first time posting on here and I really don't have many people to talk to about it so I wanted opinions. Thanks so much.

Posted

Huh, you described the relationship I have with one of my longest term friends. Neighbor kid when we were young, road trips camping trips etc etc always platonic.

 

Where my story differs from yours, is that my guy really likes my guy friend! Me and the Mr have gone and stayed with "guy friend" for a week at a time etc....

 

And I have cheated, but not with my guy friend, on D day my partner had asked, so did you sleep with "guy friend" too!? But he believed my truthful no answer..... And we are still all friends...

Posted
One of my best friends is a guy. We have known each other and been friends for 25 years, he was my neighbor growing up. We have always kept in touch over our adult lives even when life got busy we always checked in with a "how's things going" call. We've gone on trips together, partied together, slept in the same bed together. We have never dated, never kissed, I've never had any sexual thoughts about him and if he did about me he's always been respectful and never voiced them. He just got out of a 5 year relationship and I was good friends with his girlfriend (she cheated on him so I stopped talking to her because I was upset she hurt him) all in all I love him like he's my brother, he's always been family to me. Recently we've started doing hiking trips, never alone but with a group of mutual friends. This past weekend my father and sister and my 2 young sons came with us. The problem is my husband. He has always been an insecure person but recently he has been picking me and my guy friends relationship apart and saying I'd rather be with him, I'm trying to replace him, basically coming up with every worst thing he could say about my relationship with my guy friend. He's accused me of cheating on him and saying our relationship is wrong and I have to choose between him and my husband. On a side note I caught my husband talking on his ex last year and once again I was made out to be the one overreacting. I just want to know if my relationship with my guy friend is wrong and if I decide to not end the friendship am I in the wrong? I've made several attempts to get them together and hang out all of us and they have met and even worked together for a while. But my husband is very intense in the way he thinks, he thinks just because he thinks a certain way than everyone must. He is always thinking the worst. This is my first time posting on here and I really don't have many people to talk to about it so I wanted opinions. Thanks so much.

 

Bolded. Reverse the situation, your husband had a woman friend he's known for 20 years and he spends a lot of time with her, goes away with her with the kids and his family but not you. I'm sure you'd feel jealous and wonder why he was investing so much into another man.

 

It comes down to this, you might have to choose between your husband and your friendship to a point - Not spend as much time with him without your husband. If you were constantly spending time with a woman friend and your H was bothered by it and thought it was too much, would you still push forward and ignore your H's request to spend less time with her? Apply that to the guy friend.

 

Your H is only speaking to his ex by phone or have they spent time together? How often?

 

Time to focus and reconnect with your husband and make him your 'best friend' and spend more time with him with the kids rather than going away without him. Eventually this is going to ruin your marriage.

 

The other option is, let your H and this guy have a conversation so your friend can 100% let your H know that he is no threat and not interested in you in an intimate or romantic way. Maybe they need to spend time together alone and bond.

If that doesn't work, then you may have to choose.

Posted
If you keep the friendship active you send a clear message that your husband/ the marriage isn't your first priority.

 

So she's supposed to throw away 25 years of close friendship because her husband is insecure?

 

This isn't some new guy that she met at work and became close to all of a sudden. This is someone she has been friends with since she was a child.

 

OP, how long have you been married? Your husband seems to have deep insecurity issues. Accusing you of being unfaithful is flat out disrespectful. I'm sure you've talked to him about it already, but maybe it's time to have a serious sit down with him about this. Let's say you do end your friendship with this guy. Problem solved, right? Doubtful. What happens the next time you befriend someone who happens to be male? Is he going to make you end that friendship too and accuse you of cheating?

 

The problem isn't you and your friendship, it's your husband.

  • Like 3
Posted
all in all I love him like he's my brother, he's always been family to me.

 

This is what your H is jealous of - not any physical part but the emotional relationship you have with your friend. Which it seems right now you don't have with your husband.

 

Were your marriage better, I'd guess the friendship would be a non-factor...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
So she's supposed to throw away 25 years of close friendship because her husband is insecure?

 

I've never had a friendship that lasted that long, ESPECIALLY with a woman. Once they got married, I never heard from them again...if I did, it would be in the form of a Christmas card at the very most.

 

Things happen in phases. I remember having a group of friends that were single...each one was getting married or pairing off with girlfriends...and each one started to loose touch...fade away.

 

It's the nature of the beast...wouldn't say it's "throwing it away."

 

goes away with her with the kids and his family but not you.

 

Emphasis on the BOLDED. Now...this would be cause for concern even on HIS part, in which case has nothing to do with insecurity, but with the OP crossing boundaries.

 

Why are you going on these trips WITHOUT your husband...that IS cause for concern.

Edited by LookAtThisPOst
  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted (edited)

To answer a couple of questions..

We are doing these trips without my husband because he works, a lot. Most of the time all weekend, but he also chooses to. I ask him to come with us every time and let him know he's always welcome, but he never wants to come.

But this is not the only friend he's done this with. Over last summer he all of a sudden had a problem with a girlfriend of mine who I've known just as long. She moves back and forth between Ma an Tenn, so I don't see her often. He freaks out because he thinks when we hang out we're off doing "single things" because she's not with anyone.

It basically comes down to him always thinking I'm going to leave him for someone else. We've been together for 6 years, married for 3 1/2. And have 2 young boys together.

I've also been told by some of his friends that he's gotten together with his ex but I don't know them well and am not sure if that's true, but I have seen texts from his ex saying things like she thought he was going to leave me and be with her but when I confronted him about it he told me she's crazy and does a lot of drugs. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm nieve and sometimes I think this jealousy of his comes from him trying to point blame on me and not himself. Thanks for all the feedback folks.

Edited by Boymomjones19
Posted

Okay so it is possible he's crossed the line and had inappropriate friendships with women, let alone his ex. Could be why he's jealous and suspicious of your friendship with the guy - he's putting his own guilt and mistrust onto you, meanwhile it could be him who is doing the cheating.

 

Have a real conversation about this all, be honest and tell him how you feel and why.

Posted

From reading through you original post and the thread and finishing with this your final post, it seems like to me that both you and your husband are dealing with trust issues. His may seem more apparent but you do have doubts about whether he is really seeing his ex or not.

 

I would put friendships on the backburner for a short time and really focus on my marriage. Once it is strong again, friendships will not be a concern. And yes, you should be able to have friendships but especially gf's with no questions. It is important to place a boundary around your marriage and particularly with any males, even a long ago friend. But your husband should also be doing this with his ex. I have been married 32 years and one "rule" we established early on was to never develop a relationship alone with the opposite sex and definitely never meet up to do something with someone from the opposite sex. So I highly limit any communication that is one-on-one or private messaging with a male unless it is to set up an appointment or to answer a quick question, etc. And I would never let say, to hiking, to a movie or out to eat one on one with a male. Likewise, my husband doesn't do this with women. It sounds a little prudish but it really works to keep an inappropriate relationship from ever developing and since marriage takes such highs and lows through the years we all have times when the marriage relationship is thin and vulnerable.

 

I have a relative that even met up with "another guy" even with her little children taking them out to get breakfast or lunch, so while they were not meeting one on one because her children were there, they were so little they were really clueless to what was going on. If she had a rule of not developing a relationship without her husband or a group of adults, she would have never gotten into this situation.

 

I highly suggest you get some marriage counseling and get out in the open both of your trust issues with the aid of a professional marriage counselor. Ask around to find one that is good quality or let me know and I will see if I can find resources for you. You can get to the bottom of the mutual doubts.

 

I do have small alerts about your husband possibly being over-sensitive since he also acts the same way with your gf and he should want you to have girlfriends to have fun with and enjoy having time away from being "mom" which can be all consuming.

But I think this is dealing with trust and the stress of being parents to young children.

 

Understand that these are the hardest years in marriage (raising children) and some people work to avoid the stress.

 

 

To answer a couple of questions..

We are doing these trips without my husband because he works, a lot. Most of the time all weekend, but he also chooses to. I ask him to come with us every time and let him know he's always welcome, but he never wants to come.

But this is not the only friend he's done this with. Over last summer he all of a sudden had a problem with a girlfriend of mine who I've known just as long. She moves back and forth between Ma an Tenn, so I don't see her often. He freaks out because he thinks when we hang out we're off doing "single things" because she's not with anyone.

It basically comes down to him always thinking I'm going to leave him for someone else. We've been together for 6 years, married for 3 1/2. And have 2 young boys together.

I've also been told by some of his friends that he's gotten together with his ex but I don't know them well and am not sure if that's true, but I have seen texts from his ex saying things like she thought he was going to leave me and be with her but when I confronted him about it he told me she's crazy and does a lot of drugs. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm nieve and sometimes I think this jealousy of his comes from him trying to point blame on me and not himself. Thanks for all the feedback folks.

  • Like 1
Posted

If it comes down to it, I'd say keep the friend and ditch the husband. There is no reason for your husband's jealousy, except his own insecurity. You can reassure him, but it is HIS problem to handle, since you are doing nothing wrong, and I assume you have never given him any reason to think you ever have, with anyone.

Posted
To answer a couple of questions..

We are doing these trips without my husband because he works, a lot. Most of the time all weekend, but he also chooses to. I ask him to come with us every time and let him know he's always welcome, but he never wants to come.

But this is not the only friend he's done this with. Over last summer he all of a sudden had a problem with a girlfriend of mine who I've known just as long. She moves back and forth between Ma an Tenn, so I don't see her often. He freaks out because he thinks when we hang out we're off doing "single things" because she's not with anyone.

It basically comes down to him always thinking I'm going to leave him for someone else. We've been together for 6 years, married for 3 1/2. And have 2 young boys together.

I've also been told by some of his friends that he's gotten together with his ex but I don't know them well and am not sure if that's true, but I have seen texts from his ex saying things like she thought he was going to leave me and be with her but when I confronted him about it he told me she's crazy and does a lot of drugs. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm nieve and sometimes I think this jealousy of his comes from him trying to point blame on me and not himself. Thanks for all the feedback folks.

 

 

Here's my take for what it's worth...

 

You both took vows to love honor and cherish each other....did you take a similiar vow to your guy friend? Your husband feels threatened, have you sat down with him (not at a moment of anger or jealously but at a quiet time) and asked him, what is it about Guy Friend that makes you feel threatened? Am I doing something that I can do differently that will help you feel more secure in our marriage? Remember, this isn't JUST about you and your H, it's also about your two children....you will at some point have a choice to make between your friend and your family (as you know it today). Was your husband insecure before you married him and before you made two babies with him (assuming the babies are both yours and his). If so, you chose him insecurity and all, for you to now change the course and complain about something / someone you married is very difficult to defend....think long and hard and be honest with yourself, why are you choosing the hiking and camping trips away from your husband, knowing that it makes him as uncomfortable as it does???

  • Like 1
Posted

If you have ever said or done something with an opposite sex friend that you would not say or do with your spouse present, you should distance yourself from them.

 

If you are receiving any validation emotionally that is not being received from your spouse, you should distance yourself from them and go to your partner and talk about what may be lacking from the partner.

 

If your partner comes to you and tells you that they are uncomfortable about the relationship, you need to pay attention to that and compromise at least about the amount of/type of interaction you have with them.

 

If you went to your spouse about a close friend of his, what would you expect from him in response to that?

  • Like 1
Posted

Other than not see your friends, what can you do to demonstrate to your husband that he is Top Dog & the most important person in your life?

 

If he feels better & more secure maybe he will be less reactionary with all of your friends. Because clearly if he has issue with both male and female friends, they are his issues.

  • Like 1
Posted

Him talking to the ex was a way to upset the wife. I guess he felt if she has a male friend then I can talk to a woman.

Posted
One of my best friends is a guy. We have known each other and been friends for 25 years,him was my neighbor growing up. We have always kept in touch over our adult lives even when life got busy we always checked in with a "how's things going" call. We've gone on trips together, partied together, slept in the same bed together. We have never dated, never kissed, I've never had any sexual thoughts about him and if he did about me he's always been respectful and never voiced them. He just got out of a 5 year relationship and I was good friends with his girlfriend (she cheated on him so I stopped talking to her because I was upset she hurt him) all in all I love him like he's my brother, he's always been family to me. Recently we've started doing hiking trips, never alone but with a group of mutual friends. This past weekend my father and sister and my 2 young sons came with us. The problem is my husband. He has always been an insecure person but recently he has been picking me and my guy friends relationship apart and saying I'd rather be with him, I'm trying to replace him, basically coming up with every worst thing he could say about my relationship with my guy friend. He's accused me of cheating on him and saying our relationship is wrong and I have to choose between him and my husband. On a side note I caught my husband talking on his ex last year and once again I was made out to be the one overreacting. I just want to know if my relationship with my guy friend is wrong and if I decide to not end the friendship am I in the wrong? I've made several attempts to get them together and hang out all of us and they have met and even worked together for a while. But my husband is very intense in the way he thinks, he thinks just because he thinks a certain way than everyone must. He is always thinking the worst. This is my first time posting on here and I really don't have many people to talk to about it so I wanted opinions. Thanks so much.

 

Would you fix him up with another woman in the hopes of him finding happiness and a life with her? Would you honestly want that for your friend?

  • Like 2
Posted
The problem is my husband. He has always been an insecure person but recently he has been picking me and my guy friends relationship apart and saying I'd rather be with him, I'm trying to replace him, basically coming up with every worst thing he could say about my relationship with my guy friend. He's accused me of cheating on him and saying our relationship is wrong and I have to choose between him and my husband. On a side note I caught my husband talking on his ex last year and once again I was made out to be the one overreacting. I just want to know if my relationship with my guy friend is wrong and if I decide to not end the friendship am I in the wrong? I've made several attempts to get them together and hang out all of us and they have met and even worked together for a while. But my husband is very intense in the way he thinks, he thinks just because he thinks a certain way than everyone must. He is always thinking the worst. This is my first time posting on here and I really don't have many people to talk to about it so I wanted opinions. Thanks so much.

 

 

 

It might not be morally "wrong"... but "the problem" is NOT "your husband".

 

Everyone who knows anything about humanity knows that this guy friend of yours would RATHER be banging you... and that is the crux of the problem here.

 

That you yourself hold all of the cards, and get to decide whether that guy friend ever crosses the plane of your goal line, does not relate to the bottom line.

 

Your husband (geez, "HUSBAND", even)... knows the truth, and that you won't even admit it out loud is the problem.

 

 

So yes, of course, youuuuuuuuuuu get to choose between your "guy friend" and your husband...

 

 

But stop playing games, and commit to whichever choice you make.

  • Like 3
Posted
If it comes down to it, I'd say keep the friend and ditch the husband. There is no reason for your husband's jealousy, except his own insecurity. You can reassure him, but it is HIS problem to handle, since you are doing nothing wrong, and I assume you have never given him any reason to think you ever have, with anyone.

 

They have 2 young sons, so to just 'ditch the husband' doesn't jive here. This isn't just about her, she has to think what is best for her whole family, not just because she wants to hang onto a male friend.

 

Counseling can help them sort out trust issues, if they both are willing to go.

Posted
They have 2 young sons, so to just 'ditch the husband' doesn't jive here. This isn't just about her, she has to think what is best for her whole family, not just because she wants to hang onto a male friend.

 

Counseling can help them sort out trust issues, if they both are willing to go.

 

Totally agree here and that is exactly what she is not doing....she is so focused on "her rights to have a guy friend" that she is losing sight of what it will eventually do to the family.

  • Like 2
Posted

I have a few female friends I've had since childhood. One of them I dated for all 4 years of High School. We chat every once in awhile...she will like a post of mine on Facebook, or will send me a pic of her family, or Happy Birthday email or something. Always sends her best to my whole family and vice versa. There is nothing going on.

 

I tell my wife to get over it. I didn't live in a cage when she met me, and I won't live in one now.

Posted

Hi Boymomjones, how and where did you meet your husband? Why did you choose to marry him if, as you say, he has always been insecure? At the time that you were dating him did you tell him about this friend of yours and if so what was his reaction? If you did not tell him about your friend did you expect that he would accept your friendship with this guy just like that? You have said that you have slept in the same bed with this friend but do you think it is appropriate behaviour to do so? Men are easily aroused especially when they are physically so close to a woman in an inappropriate setting( bed). Are you sure this friend would not try and have sex with you if the circumstances were conducive like for instance if you were in an inebriated state? One does not have to be in love or have romantic feelings to have sex and you could easily have a ONS or two with him without feeling guilt.

I would think that any friendship with a member of the opposite sex once you are married, unless it is purely social, would be fraught with danger. There are people on this forum who have stated previously that they have continued to maintain close friendships with members of the opposite sex. However, their spouses were quite comfortable with such friendships and so they could carry it off. However it seems your husband is NOT comfortable with this situation and so you have to decide whether your friendship is more important or your marriage. If you choose your friendship then it seems a foregone conclusion that your marriage will end in tears. It is the proverbial case of " To have your cake and eat it too". Only you can decide so choose carefully. Your future happiness and well being depend on this.

  • Like 1
Posted
Would you fix him up with another woman in the hopes of him finding happiness and a life with her? Would you honestly want that for your friend?

 

I will reiterate these points and add this: Would you respect a relationship with this friend if his girlfriend/wife wanted you to keep your distance or set boundaries and your friend felt it was best to do that? I get the sense there is more to this than she is saying.

Posted

Ditch the friend for a while and patch the relationship with your husband. You seem to need "others" in your life quite a lot. Why not work towards your marriage instead for a while, seek MC and get the marriage backon track. He is too jealous and you are too needy for other's attention.

 

Honestly, it seems like you have a very strong emotional bond with the friend. At the same time, you have done nothing but speak negatively of your husband. What are the good aspects of your husband? He seems to work hard for you and your family. Is he a good man?

 

I thonk your husband knows that most guys don't invest a lot of attention in female friends without desiring more. He feels that your friend MUST want to have sex with you.

 

You have slept in the same bed with him, partied with him, etc. Seems a little too cozy for a married woman.

  • Like 1
Posted
Okay so it is possible he's crossed the line and had inappropriate friendships with women, let alone his ex. Could be why he's jealous and suspicious of your friendship with the guy - he's putting his own guilt and mistrust onto you, meanwhile it could be him who is doing the cheating.

 

Have a real conversation about this all, be honest and tell him how you feel and why.

 

This was my first instinct about your story OP. He probably thought about crossing that line with the ex and is projecting that you are thinking that too.

Posted

I thonk your husband knows that most guys don't invest a lot of attention in female friends without desiring more. He feels that your friend MUST want to have sex with you.

 

This has some truth to it. I am very cautious of male friends in my life since I have found the majority of guys looking for something non-platonic trying to pass it. But I have a few who I trust are completely platonic.

 

Okay so it is possible he's crossed the line and had inappropriate friendships with women, let alone his ex. Could be why he's jealous and suspicious of your friendship with the guy - he's putting his own guilt and mistrust onto you, meanwhile it could be him who is doing the cheating.

 

Have a real conversation about this all, be honest and tell him how you feel and why.

 

This was my first instinct about your story OP. He probably thought about crossing that line with the ex and is projecting that you are thinking that too.

 

I have a few male friends that have always been platonic. One has been just over 20 years. I wouldn't give these up but any BF/husband would always be welcome. But I would do what I need to in order to make the husband and our family to feel like my priority. With him travelling and gone all the time that may be part of what is making him feel distant.

Posted
One of my best friends is a guy. We have known each other and been friends for 25 years, he was my neighbor growing up. We have always kept in touch over our adult lives even when life got busy we always checked in with a "how's things going" call. We've gone on trips together, partied together, slept in the same bed together. We have never dated, never kissed, I've never had any sexual thoughts about him and if he did about me he's always been respectful and never voiced them. He just got out of a 5 year relationship and I was good friends with his girlfriend (she cheated on him so I stopped talking to her because I was upset she hurt him) all in all I love him like he's my brother, he's always been family to me. Recently we've started doing hiking trips, never alone but with a group of mutual friends. This past weekend my father and sister and my 2 young sons came with us. The problem is my husband. He has always been an insecure person but recently he has been picking me and my guy friends relationship apart and saying I'd rather be with him, I'm trying to replace him, basically coming up with every worst thing he could say about my relationship with my guy friend. He's accused me of cheating on him and saying our relationship is wrong and I have to choose between him and my husband. On a side note I caught my husband talking on his ex last year and once again I was made out to be the one overreacting. I just want to know if my relationship with my guy friend is wrong and if I decide to not end the friendship am I in the wrong? I've made several attempts to get them together and hang out all of us and they have met and even worked together for a while. But my husband is very intense in the way he thinks, he thinks just because he thinks a certain way than everyone must. He is always thinking the worst. This is my first time posting on here and I really don't have many people to talk to about it so I wanted opinions. Thanks so much.

 

Did you and your husband date for a long time before getting married?

 

Was he around your family, and if so did he see this guy or hear about him from you and other familiy members?

 

If your guy friend is that close and integrated with your family that he's going on hiking trips with you and your family, I can't see how your husband would not have known about your guy friend before he married you.

 

If that's the case, he knew what this friendship was and meant to you before he married you, and it is completely unfair for him to ask you now suddenly to end a friendship that's lasted decades because of his insecurity (or more accurately, his paranoia).

 

How many people can stay on good terms, let alone close, for over 20 years? You don't even get that with blood family half the time.

 

I don't understand people asking other people to cut someone out of their life if the friend is not threatening or trying to break up the relationship. The two relationships are in two different aspects and have nothing to do with each other.

 

 

I think he's only giving you a hard time because his heart's straying, he's reminiscing or having inappropriate thoughts about his ex, who I'm guessing he hasn't consistently kept in touch with for decades?

 

I do recommend asking him what else you can do to make him feel more appreciated by you emotionally - maybe additional gestures of affection when he's home to start - but forcing you to give up a friendship that's lasted most of your life is absurd.

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