Moving on after emotional abuse

March 8, 2016

I've recently broken up with an ex whom I was with for over 4 years. Basically it was a rocky relationship with many ups and downs. He was a man who had endured abuse as a child from his alcoholic father, had low confidence in himself, would frequently lash out- call names, threaten to leave during any kind of confrontation or attempt at trying to communicate feelings.

It's like a switch would go off that made him feel like he was "bad" whenever I tried to talk about my feelings or if something he did bothered me and he would attack. He would also accuse me of cheating on him atleast a few times every month. Once we got into an argument and he said "You're the reason I drink"...I left the house that day and as I was walking out he said, "Tell him I said hi".

Another time, I had clothes in the back of my car and one day he said "so why do you have clothes in your car? In case you sleep over some guys house?". Other times, it was "Why are you rushing out of the house so quick? Are you meeting some guy?". I have a 10 year old son who he never really bonded with and this concerned me. I brought this up to him to try to figure out why and he got so upset said "F you" and told me that I was berating him and he didn't have to take it. Keep in mind these things are all intertwined with wonderful things he has done as well, that's how abusers keep their victims...intermittent reinforcement.

The night we broke up, I let everything out. I told him that the accusing me of cheating was pathological and pretty much said he needed therapy from the abuse from his childhood because it was affecting his present life. He told me to shut up and he left the next day. I haven't heard a word since. Now although I feel wonderful because I no longer feel like I have to walk on eggshells or be made to feel like a whore all of the time...there's still this awful feeling inside that I don't get how someone who says they love someone so much can treat another person this way and just leave without feeling anything....

I have deleted him from social media and have no desire to speak with him at all. I know that I will never get an apology from him but I wish he would just take responsibility for some of his actions. Is there any one else that has any advice on how to move on from situations like this?

Edited March 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

March 8, 2016

Kudos to you. I think you did the right thing for both you and your son.

It took me a long time to grasp the reality that there are people who can't "feel" empathy. The trick is that while they don't feel it - they can learn to mimic how it's presented by others in social settings. This is how abusers and manipulators succeed so well at fooling us. In those good times they show us the mimicked actions we expect to see. The tell you whatever it is you want to hear but, the words aren't really connected to anything except the current transaction.

The thing to remember with NC is that with abusive people it's your very best and strongest character traits that are your weakness - compassion, empathy, trust, faith, etc. To move on you have to learn to invest that compassion and faith in yourself, and stop spending it on them.

The description you've included answers your own question: For him it was just words, they leave both his mouth and his mind the same way your reflection leaves a mirror.

Edited March 8, 2016 by RRM321

March 8, 2016

*Is there any one else that has any advice on how to move on from situations like this?

*The first step is No Contact:

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

The second step is finding out why you allowed yourself and your son to remain in an obviously abusive situation.

The third step is you giving up trying to understand his behaviour, and working to understand your own behaviour, instead.

Good luck.

Take care.

March 8, 2016

...The third step is you giving up trying to understand his behaviour, and working to understand your own behaviour, instead...

This^^^ If you take away nothing else, take this ^^^.

In a nutshell, he did what he did because he doesn't know any better/he doesn't know any differently.

YOU do know better and differently, because you DID know better and you DID know differently. And, you proved it by letting him go.

Let him stay that way: gone. Don't believe him when he comes back and says 'he's changed', 'he's stopped drinking', etc. It takes years of work, practice, and reinforcement to *change* his way of being...which is the ONLY thing he knows.

Good luck to you, OP...

March 8, 2016

I've recently broken up with an ex whom I was with for over 4 years. Basically it was a rocky relationship with many ups and downs. He was a man who had endured abuse as a child from his alcoholic father, had low confidence in himself, would frequently lash out- call names, threaten to leave during any kind of confrontation or attempt at trying to communicate feelings.

It's like a switch would go off that made him feel like he was "bad" whenever I tried to talk about my feelings or if something he did bothered me and he would attack. He would also accuse me of cheating on him atleast a few times every month. Once we got into an argument and he said "You're the reason I drink"...I left the house that day and as I was walking out he said, "Tell him I said hi".

Another time, I had clothes in the back of my car and one day he said "so why do you have clothes in your car? In case you sleep over some guys house?". Other times, it was "Why are you rushing out of the house so quick? Are you meeting some guy?". I have a 10 year old son who he never really bonded with and this concerned me. I brought this up to him to try to figure out why and he got so upset said "F you" and told me that I was berating him and he didn't have to take it. Keep in mind these things are all intertwined with wonderful things he has done as well, that's how abusers keep their victims...intermittent reinforcement.

The night we broke up, I let everything out. I told him that the accusing me of cheating was pathological and pretty much said he needed therapy from the abuse from his childhood because it was affecting his present life. He told me to shut up and he left the next day. I haven't heard a word since. Now although I feel wonderful because I no longer feel like I have to walk on eggshells or be made to feel like a whore all of the time...there's still this awful feeling inside that I don't get how someone who says they love someone so much can treat another person this way and just leave without feeling anything....

I have deleted him from social media and have no desire to speak with him at all. I know that I will never get an apology from him but I wish he would just take responsibility for some of his actions. Is there any one else that has any advice on how to move on from situations like this?

I am going to say what I think because of experience and I have been in his shoes. My childhood was the same and I have had to battle feelings of jealousy because of a past relationship where I was cheated on and those feelings came into play with the next relationship. So I hope my advice can do something here because I want to be completely honest and look at it from both sides.

This man has his own monsters. By the sounds of things, he has not had any help for the monsters he's dealing with, no one knows what it is like to be in that position and it is very difficult for both parties but no one understands what it is like to be there. First of all, I would like to tell you to never get with him again UNLESS he gets help. Not while he is getting help but AFTER he gets help. It is emotional abuse and honestly he probably doesn't mean it but bad things have happened to him and it's a product of the environment. We behave from what we learn as a child. Taking it into adult hood is just a habit, a vicious cycle we didn't get to break.

Your ex is going through something that he needs to get help on before he enters any relationship. Otherwise his partner will get to deal with the monsters, not him. It's sad because I am sure he is suffering just as much as you because when we do things like that it only hurts us as well as the person we love. His brain is most likely caked in turmoil toxicity, thus his actions have the same outcome. Either way, you cannot help him, no one can but himself. I am sure you are hurting because women/people like you try to fix someone, love them through the bad and hope for the best, hope they change, stay because you love them and want them to get better but sadly it doesn't work like that and all those years you waste hoping, trying, hoping, trying, hoping, trying.

I am sorry for your pain and the emotional abuse you had to take but it is now time to focus on yourself. Let go of him completely and know that you did all you could for him but it wasn't enough for him to change because he needs to decide that on his own. If you wish to understand behaviors like that from people, I could give you a few suggestions on books to read.

Stay strong.

March 8, 2016

*The first step is No Contact:

*No direct contact.
*No sending or receiving of messages.
*Block any means he might use to contact you.
*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.
*No indirect contact through third parties.
*De-friend or delete from all social media.
*No monitoring of him on social media.
*No 'little birds' feeding you news.
*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

The second step is finding out why you allowed yourself and your son to remain in an obviously abusive situation.

The third step is you giving up trying to understand his behaviour, and working to understand your own behaviour, instead.

Good luck.

Take care.

Thank you. I'm working on the first step right now. The second one I've thought about a lot recently. I don't think I ever realized it was abuse until a few months ago. I told my mom about a few of the things that had happened and she said that it sounded abusive to her. Then I looked up more about emotional abuse and put two and two together. Like I said, there were positives too that kept me in the relationship. He was very charming, funny, would go out of his way to help any of his friends, could be very thoughtful, and he was never like this with my son. He had a very casual/buddy like relationship with him and now luckily, he never really bonded with him so my son isn't bothered at all by the fact that he is gone.

March 8, 2016

I am going to say what I think because of experience and I have been in his shoes. My childhood was the same and I have had to battle feelings of jealousy because of a past relationship where I was cheated on and those feelings came into play with the next relationship. So I hope my advice can do something here because I want to be completely honest and look at it from both sides.

This man has his own monsters. By the sounds of things, he has not had any help for the monsters he's dealing with, no one knows what it is like to be in that position and it is very difficult for both parties but no one understands what it is like to be there. First of all, I would like to tell you to never get with him again UNLESS he gets help. Not while he is getting help but AFTER he gets help. It is emotional abuse and honestly he probably doesn't mean it but bad things have happened to him and it's a product of the environment. We behave from what we learn as a child. Taking it into adult hood is just a habit, a vicious cycle we didn't get to break.

Your ex is going through something that he needs to get help on before he enters any relationship. Otherwise his partner will get to deal with the monsters, not him. It's sad because I am sure he is suffering just as much as you because when we do things like that it only hurts us as well as the person we love. His brain is most likely caked in turmoil toxicity, thus his actions have the same outcome. Either way, you cannot help him, no one can but himself. I am sure you are hurting because women/people like you try to fix someone, love them through the bad and hope for the best, hope they change, stay because you love them and want them to get better but sadly it doesn't work like that and all those years you waste hoping, trying, hoping, trying, hoping, trying.

I am sorry for your pain and the emotional abuse you had to take but it is now time to focus on yourself. Let go of him completely and know that you did all you could for him but it wasn't enough for him to change because he needs to decide that on his own. If you wish to understand behaviors like that from people, I could give you a few suggestions on books to read.

Stay strong.

Thank you for this perspective. I really think understanding that he doesn't know what he is doing/doesn't know better will help me in forgiving him and moving past this whole thing. I really want to forgive him and just move on. I would love any suggestions of books you have.

March 8, 2016

I've recently broken up with an ex whom I was with for over 4 years. Basically it was a rocky relationship with many ups and downs. He was a man who had endured abuse as a child from his alcoholic father, had low confidence in himself, would frequently lash out- call names, threaten to leave during any kind of confrontation or attempt at trying to communicate feelings.

It's like a switch would go off that made him feel like he was "bad" whenever I tried to talk about my feelings or if something he did bothered me and he would attack. He would also accuse me of cheating on him atleast a few times every month. Once we got into an argument and he said "You're the reason I drink"...I left the house that day and as I was walking out he said, "Tell him I said hi".

Another time, I had clothes in the back of my car and one day he said "so why do you have clothes in your car? In case you sleep over some guys house?". Other times, it was "Why are you rushing out of the house so quick? Are you meeting some guy?". I have a 10 year old son who he never really bonded with and this concerned me. I brought this up to him to try to figure out why and he got so upset said "F you" and told me that I was berating him and he didn't have to take it. Keep in mind these things are all intertwined with wonderful things he has done as well, that's how abusers keep their victims...intermittent reinforcement.

The night we broke up, I let everything out. I told him that the accusing me of cheating was pathological and pretty much said he needed therapy from the abuse from his childhood because it was affecting his present life. He told me to shut up and he left the next day. I haven't heard a word since. Now although I feel wonderful because I no longer feel like I have to walk on eggshells or be made to feel like a whore all of the time...there's still this awful feeling inside that I don't get how someone who says they love someone so much can treat another person this way and just leave without feeling anything....

I have deleted him from social media and have no desire to speak with him at all. I know that I will never get an apology from him but I wish he would just take responsibility for some of his actions. Is there any one else that has any advice on how to move on from situations like this?

Wow. Your situation is so similar to mine. I wish I was as strong as you in dealing with it. I'm an idiot and still want her back

Well done you. One thing I have learnt is that you cannot fix him. Only he can do it, and if he won't even recognise that he has these issues he never will. He will latch onto someone else kind and caring and will do the same to them as he did you. Take comfort in the fact that it's him, not you with the problem.

I should take my own advice.

March 8, 2016

He had a very casual/buddy like relationship with him and now luckily, he never really bonded with him so my son isn't bothered at all by the fact that he is gone.

Your son will have picked up the vibe that he wasn't good for you. You can't hide these things from children, even if you think you can.

You walking on eggshells around this man would have been very obvious to anyone and that includes your son...

March 9, 2016

That's a hard place to be in, but at the end of the day you need to look out for you and your son as number one. It seems that is what you are doing by letting this man go. As difficult as it is I would not give him a second thought, he does need help more than you can offer. His past runs deep and having all those issues that and troubles growing up it appears they are now manifesting in some not so positive behaviors. It may have been how he saw things resolved when he was growing up, it may be a sense of control, or something else all together. There is some obvious unresolved trauma in his life and it best that you do move on, don't beat yourself up over it and live your life.

March 10, 2016

First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Secondly, my marriage ended for precisely the same reason but not without leaving some devastating effects. I ended up with chronic depression and ptsd that I still battle today.

What happened to you will likely not be erased without some type of counseling. This is a great start that can do wonders. You also need to realize this wasn't your fault and understand your ex will probably fail to realize his issues. You need to let all of your ex go, including trying to help him.

One thing I can say is what you did took tremendous courage. Your life can now be peaceful and you can flourish. My ex told me I'd never amount to anything if I left. Hopefully, I can offer encouragement by saying I'm now a college graduate, accepted into graduate school, have a great STEM career, and financially stable (also a parent, here). I wish nothing but a better life for you and your son in the future. You're finally free.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Snow_Queen

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