katiegrl Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I personally don't mind giving a nudge to a passive dude, but yeah, the fact that he said, "let's chill soon" would leave me cold. Even "let's hang out" is better verbiage, but "let's chill" is just lame. I think everyone prefers certainty over uncertainty, but when we are uncertain, it seems like a lot of times the impulse is to sort of read into the positives, as in, "we had such an amazing first date," or, "he followed me on Instagram or LinkedIn (or insert social media here)," or, "he texted first," as if these are all reasons to think that a guy (or woman) is actually interested. But a lot of times, these things don't signify anything. I've had many "great" first dates that never resulted in anything more. And yeah, you don't want to go around assuming that nothing will work out, but I find it much more realistic to tell myself, "this guy can text me to ask me how my weekend was, so he should also theoretically be able to say he wants to see me, and for some reason, he's not." I don't think the "whys" matter a lot of the time. Myself and several of my friends are going through this right now. And instead of trying to analyze the whys and why-nots of a guy's behavior, I tend to think it's a better use of time to ask ourselves, "do I want to be in a relationship with the type of man (or woman) who makes me feel uncertain, who is so on the fence that he can't even pick a direction and go with it?" Oftentimes, I think the logical answer is no, we'd rather be with someone who is willing to take some initiative. We can't live or die on the intentions of one person, even if we shared some kind of initial chemistry or vibe. No, you get to say, "sure we had a great first date, but you're not acting in a way that I need or want a partner to act, so I'm no longer interested," instead of spending your week/weekend wringing your hands. In this situation, I'll say I'd like to see them again or maybe even ask them out, but only once. I'll do my due diligence, and after that, it's up to them. This works sometimes—my ex dropped the ball after our fourth date, I asked him out on date five, and we were together a year—and sometimes I do it and the guy totally disappears. Either way, you know and you can move on with your life. Well said LA...and by the OP telling him they should hang out again soon (i.e. go out on another date)....she did her due diligence.... gentle nudge. More than gentle IMO... It's up to him now. 1
frus69 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Why are so many people advising her to ask him out? Why do you even think it's her turn now ? Really baffling "Let's chill" ? That does not sound keen But anyway if OP won't feel worse after asking him out then do it, because with love I say this: he isn't very interested whatsoever
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Her pursuing him....and him becoming lazy in the RL. Can't tell you how many times this has happened to women I know. He already knows she is interested, she texted him after the date... suggesting they meet up again. He would have to be a complete moron not to know she is interested in going out with him again. Yeah. He certainly must know at this point that I am interested in him. I texted him to make sure that he knew I was interested. I feel like the ball in in his court since I basically iniated our date last week by suggesting we grab coffee. To which he responded, "What are you doing Thursday?" And then we met on Wednesday instead... Ugh this sucks.
jen1447 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Ugh this sucks. If only there were some way you could get answers .... 1
frus69 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 If only there were some way you could get answers .... Think she already has the answer . Especially that she already initiated their last date. Just doesn't want to believe I think? 2
katiegrl Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Think she already has the answer . Especially that she already initiated their last date. Just doesn't want to believe I think? I agree.... OP, when you asked him out for your first date... he ran with it by suggesting Thursday. This time, you initiated again, and all he said was "sure, let's chill soon." Yeah it sucks but not because you don't the answer... but because you DO.
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 My guess was he was waiting for you to respond with a date you will be available. It takes two to tango. I dunno I never had any issues asking guys out on dates. well except having to beat them off me with a stick lol jjk I considered this. However, just to give a few more details. I had asked him to hang out in the city for my friend's birthday (he didn't know anyone and decided to go by himself). We spent the whole night talking. He even stayed out later than he was supposed to... This happened on February 17. He suggested I go to this gallery opening the following Sunday, February 21st. Which I did but it was cut short because I had plans to go to another show in another city. The next day, Monday, February 22, I watched a show he recommended and attempted to text him about it. After a bad attempt to joke, he did not respond to my detailed joke. I didn't talk to him for a week. I thought he had ghosted me, but friends suggested I give it another shot. So on February 29th, I kept it light and sent him a text. I suggested we grab coffee some time, which then resulted in us meeting last Wednesday, March 2nd.... Haven't heard from him since the 3rd.
katiegrl Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I considered this. However, just to give a few more details. I had asked him to hang out in the city for my friend's birthday (he didn't know anyone and decided to go by himself). We spent the whole night talking. He even stayed out later than he was supposed to... This happened on February 17. He suggested I go to this gallery opening the following Sunday, February 21st. Which I did but it was cut short because I had plans to go to another show in another city. The next day, Monday, February 22, I watched a show he recommended and attempted to text him about it. After a bad attempt to joke, he did not respond to my detailed joke. I didn't talk to him for a week. I thought he had ghosted me, but friends suggested I give it another shot. So on February 29th, I kept it light and sent him a text. I suggested we grab coffee some time, which then resulted in us meeting last Wednesday, March 2nd.... Haven't heard from him since the 3rd. Sounds like you're doing all the work here.... which isn't motivating him to do much of anything. Do not text him again, this is ridiculous. Save your energy for a man who is interested in you and knows how to show it. 2
frus69 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I considered this. However, just to give a few more details. I had asked him to hang out in the city for my friend's birthday (he didn't know anyone and decided to go by himself). We spent the whole night talking. He even stayed out later than he was supposed to... This happened on February 17. He suggested I go to this gallery opening the following Sunday, February 21st. Which I did but it was cut short because I had plans to go to another show in another city. The next day, Monday, February 22, I watched a show he recommended and attempted to text him about it. After a bad attempt to joke, he did not respond to my detailed joke. I didn't talk to him for a week. I thought he had ghosted me, but friends suggested I give it another shot. So on February 29th, I kept it light and sent him a text. I suggested we grab coffee some time, which then resulted in us meeting last Wednesday, March 2nd.... Haven't heard from him since the 3rd. You know what,you are always going to wonder "what's up with him" because you initiated 99% of your dates/hangouts. You will always wonder "is he interested " because you would never know if he would have asked you out because you did all the work. Stop and move on. I'm afraid he wouldn't have asked you out at all had you not asked. It was a waste of time asking him for a coffee IMO, you could have moved on by now 2
losangelena Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I considered this. However, just to give a few more details. I had asked him to hang out in the city for my friend's birthday (he didn't know anyone and decided to go by himself). We spent the whole night talking. He even stayed out later than he was supposed to... This happened on February 17. He suggested I go to this gallery opening the following Sunday, February 21st. Which I did but it was cut short because I had plans to go to another show in another city. The next day, Monday, February 22, I watched a show he recommended and attempted to text him about it. After a bad attempt to joke, he did not respond to my detailed joke. I didn't talk to him for a week. I thought he had ghosted me, but friends suggested I give it another shot. So on February 29th, I kept it light and sent him a text. I suggested we grab coffee some time, which then resulted in us meeting last Wednesday, March 2nd.... Haven't heard from him since the 3rd. As much as it sucks, OP, I think you should probably just let this one go. It sounds like you've really made an effort. If the most this guy can muster after all that is, "yeah we should chill soon," that's not a good sign. 1
Shining One Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I'm going to have to concur with the others. With this new information, you're clearly putting in far more effort than he is. If it were closer to 50/50, I'd say give it another shot, but it's 67/33 by my count. 1
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Sounds like you're doing all the work here.... which isn't motivating him to do much of anything. Do not text him again, this is ridiculous. Save your energy for a man who is interested in you and knows how to show it. You're right. I figured it would be best to leave it alone, considering that I've done more than enough. I will just lie low... Maybe delete him from my phone to prevent me from giving into temptation... I just don't know what to do about this coming March 19. He RSVP'd to an event that I invited him to and I think he's definitely going. WHich means I will be seeing him. I don't even know what to do then... What I don't understand is that he came off so strong when we first met last year. I had a boyfriend at the time, so I declined his invitation to go to a party in his city. A year passed, and things ended with my ex. I saw this guy again at a party on Valentine's weekend, and he immediately recognized me. He went to me and said hello first. We even had photographers taking pictures of us and he egged them on. Like, I don't know what exactly happened since I've been conscious not to come off too eager and too strong. Ugh.
risjurad Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I might be reading too much into this, but for me if I met someone and discovered they don’t drive (unless they live in a major city with good mass transit… but even then) that means I’m having to invest into extra driving and unless I am seriously into you I’m backing away… When I did a round of speed dating, I got no hits. First "kiss of death" was telling everyone I was in between jobs at the time (well, I actually straight up said I was unemployed for whatever difference that makes). I was probably too honest about this :x I'm told that I shouldn't have bothered speed dating in an area where there's mass transit, with me coming from the suburbs, as the women from there would likely NOT have cars of their own. Even then, they may not want to drive out to the suburbs, considering it to be too far, or otherwise a hassle. Second "kiss of death".
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 I'm going to have to concur with the others. With this new information, you're clearly putting in far more effort than he is. If it were closer to 50/50, I'd say give it another shot, but it's 67/33 by my count. After reading all these posts, I am losing stamina to exert any more effort. I feel like I might just end up being disappointed
losangelena Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Like, I don't know what exactly happened since I've been conscious not to come off too eager and too strong. Ugh. Yeah, it is "ugh," but really, who knows. It could be a thousand reasons. Some people like the chase, like flirting with unavailable people. For some, it's fun to flirt or hang out with people, when they have no real intention of being with them. Maybe this guy feels like he has you on the hook, since you keep reaching out to him. Any which way you slice it, this guy is not acting like someone sincerely interested in you. Save your energy, and your sanity, for someone who is.
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 When I did a round of speed dating, I got no hits. First "kiss of death" was telling everyone I was in between jobs at the time (well, I actually straight up said I was unemployed for whatever difference that makes). I was probably too honest about this :x I'm told that I shouldn't have bothered speed dating in an area where there's mass transit, with me coming from the suburbs, as the women from there would likely NOT have cars of their own. Even then, they may not want to drive out to the suburbs, considering it to be too far, or otherwise a hassle. Second "kiss of death". Funny thing is, he is in-between jobs right now. He's been interviewing for jobs very often. That didn't deter me. Transportation is definitely a factor since I don't drive. I take trains, buses and Uber everywhere. It's not a problem for me to get to places but it might be for him.
losangelena Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Funny thing is, he is in-between jobs right now. He's been interviewing for jobs very often. That didn't deter me. Transportation is definitely a factor since I don't drive. I take trains, buses and Uber everywhere. It's not a problem for me to get to places but it might be for him. OP, can I ask what makes this guy so special? What about him do you like so much?
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 OP, can I ask what makes this guy so special? What about him do you like so much? My answer might seem quite juvenile and silly, but I like him because when we are in person, everything flows organically and I get a sense of excitement. Not anxiety. In my exchanges with men, I always experience anxiety. When I experience that anxiety, I tend to be more reserved. I observe rather than out myself on the line immediately. There's always caution. With this person, everything is natural. Our conversations build onto each other. I don't feel anxious. I feel at ease and I really do enjoy his company. He's very down-to-earth despite having been a fashion photographer. He has his mind set on urban development and preserving the cultural richness and obscurity in cities. He is opposed to gentrification. And to be frank --- he is absolutely good-looking. It's ridiculous.
smackie9 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Hah maybe he got disappointed you didn't sleep over........ first clue, he didn't walk you to your ride second he gave you the impression he wanted you to stay.....to get lucky.
yxalitis Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 he is absolutely good-looking. It's ridiculous. Are you? No, seriously...are you attractive, good body...? He may not think you are in his league (As much as I detest that concept)
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Are you? No, seriously...are you attractive, good body...? He may not think you are in his league (As much as I detest that concept) That's a rather loaded question! I don't think it's my looks in this case since the reason he first approached me last year was to says that he thought I was the most adorable girl there and he didn't know how to talk to me until he was heading out. He said he had to tell me that I was adorable and asked me to please come with him and his friend to a party in the city. So, I definitely know looks is not te issue here.
Author wildsunandmoon Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Are you? No, seriously...are you attractive, good body...? He may not think you are in his league (As much as I detest that concept) He also likes all the selfies I've posted on Instagram.
Easyguy14 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Ask him out. Fortune favors the bold. I know the majority of women aren't used to pursuing, but when said women feels an attraction toward a certain man, sometimes its important to let that interest be known by either going forward with making plans or at the very least, suggesting a day that you're free to link up to see where he stands. As in the saying of 'nothing ventured, nothing gained."
katiegrl Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I know the majority of women aren't used to pursuing, but when said women feels an attraction toward a certain man, sometimes its important to let that interest be known by either going forward with making plans or at the very least, suggesting a day that you're free to link up to see where he stands. As in the saying of 'nothing ventured, nothing gained." She has already done that....
losangelena Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Hah maybe he got disappointed you didn't sleep over........ first clue, he didn't walk you to your ride second he gave you the impression he wanted you to stay.....to get lucky. I tend to agree. He has you up to his place at the end of date one? He was miffed that you were leaving? He suggested y'all "chill?" You haven't heard from him in five days? That, all together, scream "I just want to f***." OP, I understand that feeling that things just flow, but I would argue that you certainly sound anxious about it now. While a good thing to feel, that initial comfortability still doesn't necessarily translate to compatibility or real interest. If I were you, I'd concentrate more on delving into why I feel so anxious around men. It doesn't have to be that way.
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