Lunay Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Hi Everyone, My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 5 years. He has cheated on me in the past, lied to me about countless things, betrayed me in every way possible. I finally left him last summer and we spent 5 months apart. Around December he started begging and pleading for me to come back. I really didn't want to at the time, I knew he probably hadn't changed. My daughter (hes been in her life since she was 5) also told me all she wanted for christmas was her family back. We own a house and vehicles together, I decided to give it one last try if we went to counselling. We did do counselling and it seemed to make him accountable for some of his actions but she also put blame on me for not giving him enough attention (due to me being hurt and afraid to love him). His whole attitude seemed to change after he realized I may have some fault in his lying, manipulative ways. He has mostly changed from what I can tell but its only been a couple months. There are no more girls, he doesn't talk to his ex wife... etc. I am just not holding my breath because I don't trust him 100 percent and I'm used to him going back to his old ways. The counselor said I need to let go of the past... Anyway, where I live the economy is very slow. He is being laid off from his job, and instead of staying with me to help me with the finances of our house and our lives, he wants to go back to his home town which is 6000km away for 2 months and collect unemployment. His reason being that he wants to "take a break" from life and visit with his mother. I told him I don't feel our relationship is strong enough for this, because the place he is going to he always lies and betrays me in some way. He said I need to have trust in him, but I get the feeling there is a lot he's not telling me. We discussed that our relationship just isn't the same, and I have a big feeling he doesn't plan to return for some time. Part of me wonders if he's going to try to get his ex back. He denies this. Also the way he talks about this it's as if he plans on living there. I feel it's very selfish for him to do this, and even if our relationship is still a work in progress, it shows he has no intentions of helping it get better, only worse. If he wants to end the relationship fine, but I feel angry and resentful toward him now. I think I am going to just finally cut my strings if he leaves. He somehow managed to convince me to come back and be a family and make things work, then wants to abandon us 3 months later for who knows how long? Am I over reacting? I'm hurt, and I am mad at myself for giving him another chance. I know you'll all tell me to get rid of him, and I know that is probably the logical thing to do after all he has put me through but I guess I just need to know if I am being unreasonable by not wanting him to go for 2 months? I feel pathetic for even taking him back.
Zahara Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) It's unbelievable that the therapist justified his need to cheat. There is never a reason to cheat and nothing can justify that behavior. Having been in a relationship with a cheater, especially one that was habitual like yours -- taking him back was a bad decision. They don't change. Granted your daughter wanted her family back, but you as the adult should have considered the type of man you were trying to create a family with. This isn't about whether it's unreasonable for him to go home for 2 months. If I were you, I'd wipe the slate clean and move on. When trust is broken, it's very hard to get back to what it was again. You'll always look over your shoulder and you'll never be 100% secure in your relationship. "He has cheated on me in the past, lied to me about countless things, betrayed me in every way possible." I'm not sure what you love about this man. Also, what are you teaching your daughter in allowing a man to come in and out of your life for 5 years and treating you so disrespectfully? Edited March 7, 2016 by Zahara 1
Author Lunay Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 It's unbelievable that the therapist justified his need to cheat. There is never a reason to cheat and nothing can justify that behavior. Having been in a relationship with a cheater, especially one that was habitual like yours -- taking him back was a bad decision. They don't change. Granted your daughter wanted her family back, but you as the adult should have considered the type of man you were trying to create a family with. This isn't about whether it's unreasonable for him to go home for 2 months. If I were you, I'd wipe the slate clean and move on. When trust is broken, it's very hard to get back to what it was again. You'll always look over your shoulder and you'll never be 100% secure in your relationship. "He has cheated on me in the past, lied to me about countless things, betrayed me in every way possible." I'm not sure what you love about this man. Also, what are you teaching your daughter in allowing a man to come in and out of your life for 5 years and treating you so disrespectfully? I know it was a bad decision and I knew it was when I was making it. I just felt like if I could try for the happy family and let go of stuff that we could be happy. I was wrong. The relationship is dead according to him, and I agree. I'm hurt because I actually let him back in and he is leaving me to struggle with all the bills etc. You don't do that to someone you love. He says he can't get over the fact I slept with someone else during our break up. We weren't even together! He says he never slept with anyone, but who knows if that's true. I just want to be done with him so I can heal and move on. I'm super upset.
Zahara Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I know it was a bad decision and I knew it was when I was making it. I just felt like if I could try for the happy family and let go of stuff that we could be happy. I was wrong. The relationship is dead according to him, and I agree. I'm hurt because I actually let him back in and he is leaving me to struggle with all the bills etc. You don't do that to someone you love. He says he can't get over the fact I slept with someone else during our break up. We weren't even together! He says he never slept with anyone, but who knows if that's true. I just want to be done with him so I can heal and move on. I'm super upset. Cheating and betraying you repeatedly -- was that the sign of someone that loves you? No. Wake up. And now you are surprised that he is leaving you high and dry? He doesn't care. His definition of "love" is far different from yours. It's toxic. Dysfunctional. Always has been. Yes, he's upset that you slept with someone while you were broken up but it's okay that he was cheating on your while in a relationship. Do you see how warped all this is? It's time you shut the door, even if he decides not to go. If anything, do this for your daughter. These are not the type of lessons you want to be teaching her.
Author Lunay Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Cheating and betraying you repeatedly -- was that the sign of someone that loves you? No. Wake up. And now you are surprised that he is leaving you high and dry? He doesn't care. His definition of "love" is far different from yours. It's toxic. Dysfunctional. Always has been. Yes, he's upset that you slept with someone while you were broken up but it's okay that he was cheating on your while in a relationship. Do you see how warped all this is? It's time you shut the door, even if he decides not to go. If anything, do this for your daughter. These are not the type of lessons you want to be teaching her. Yes I see how warped it is. I know he doesn't care, he is selfish and always has been. It will be easier having him leave town and not in my face. I'm not fighting him going, it's best for me and my daughter
Zahara Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Yes I see how warped it is. I know he doesn't care, he is selfish and always has been. It will be easier having him leave town and not in my face. I'm not fighting him going, it's best for me and my daughter Yes, please do this, if not for you then for your daughter. He'll definitely bounce back again when he needs something from you so you need to end it definitively with him and shut that door. Take control of your situation.
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