howtomoveon Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Hi, Back story is in a previous post but here's a summary: my husband with whom I had an otherwise great relationship, started lying to me about things such as smoking and porn. We were trying to have a baby but as we started arguing he said he didn't think it was a good idea & that he didn't think he wanted kids after all. The next day I found out I was pregnant. We weren't sure what to do but then he said we should keep it and try to work things out. We argued more for the next couple of weeks and then the straw that broke the camel's back was he lied to my face and swore on our baby's life he was telling the truth. I couldn't take the stress anymore and asked him for a divorce, he moved out a few days later, and I terminated my pregnancy. I regretted this from day one. First because I did really want this baby. I have fallen into a deep depression. Then later because I realized my husband is more pro-life than I thought. Before our separation he had said he would support whatever I wanted but then later he said he only said that because he realized I didn't want the baby, which is not the case. I truly didn't know what to do since I didn't think he wanted it. Bottom line is neither of us wanted this but I was the one who took action, and regret it deeply. Within less than two weeks I apologized to him & have been trying since to get our marriage back. It's now been almost three months. I regret asking my husband to leave and not having the baby I so much wanted. I regret not sticking to the vows I hold so deeply. I don't know what came over me. I acted really out of character and out of fear. I told him I was scared and out of my mind and that I did want the baby and our marriage. Those actions were the biggest mistake of my life and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I have been in therapy for a couple of months and just started EMDR to try and get past the grief. I honestly feel like a horrible person and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. My biggest hurdle now is the guilt & pain I feel over my husband. He is incredibly hurt. He says he still loves me and that he knows I'm a good person and when we have seen each other we have a good time until we start discussing what happened. He will not come home and said he doesn't know if he can get past this (me asking him for a divorce and the abortion). It hurts me deeply but I understand. He won't ask me to divorce either; he said he's not sure what he wants, said he needs time. In the last week he's completely withdrawn. He wants space and we agreed I won't contact him until he does. It hurts me so much to know he's hurting because of me. I feel like I need to seek his forgiveness further but I don't know how. I've already apologized in person. I love my husband so much and want our marriage. I wish he knew how much I hurt too because of this, but he feels like the only victim. At this point, as much as it hurts, I understand this may be too big and he will not get past it. I do however want him to know even if we don't end up working through this together, that I am deeply sorry and just want him to be okay. I would carry 100% of the blame for the rest of our lives if that will ease his pain. I am not sure how to move forward from here. I want to honor his need for space but want him to know this too. I don't care about me. I just want him to be okay. Does anyone have any advice? PS - he does not believe in therapy and refused to go when I asked about couples counseling. So it is unlikely he will go for himself either.
jellybean824 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I commend you for reaching out and fighting for your marriage. It is understandable that you would be dealing a great deal of grief/depression right now. Anyone who has lost a child, or feels there is no hope for their marriage would most likely feel the same way. Like you said, you made some decisions out of fear. Fear is powerful, and unfortunately can motivate us to do things out of character. You have taken some steps to make this right: you have apologized, you have started therapy/EMDR for yourself, and you have respected your husband's wishes to have space. It probably feels like this process is taking "forever." You mentioned it had been about 3 months. It is normal for you (and your husband) to want things to be better as soon as possible. However, healing takes times. Grieving takes time. It may take your husband a little longer to sort things out-and that's ok. He may not be open to counseling for himself or as a couple, but that doesn't mean things won't change in time. Keep doing what you know to do. I truly wish for the best outcome in your situation, whatever that may look like.
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