blackbird_brokenwing Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) Six years ago, I dated this girl for a year and a half. I'll call her Sarah. I liked her the moment we met, but she was hesitant and unsure, so we were friends for a few months first. Anyway, we dated for that year and a half, broke up, were pseudo friends for a few months, then she began dating someone else and distanced herself from me for the next year. It was tough, she had became my absolute best friend so not only had I lost a lover, but I lost my best friend. However in hindsight, I know this distance was for the best so that we could really become true friends down the road. A few months after she and her new girlfriend broke up (so about 18 months after we stopped hanging out), we started talking again. Slowly we became friends again. It took a few months to feel comfortable with each other, but ultimately we became extremely close. We both had long term relationships after our breakup and had plenty of distance from each other to really start fresh as friends. I feel really confident that we are both completely over each other. All told, it was about 2.5 years after our breakup that we were closer friends than we'd ever been. I began dating my (now ex ) in fall 2014, but it was a long distance thing so I had a lot of time in town and Sarah and I hung out all the time. She was single (and very lonely/sad about it) but since my girlfriend wasn't in town, we were able to commiserate and share deep thoughts and such with each other. This past October, however, she began dating someone new. Fine with me, I was really happy for her actually. But as she tends to do, she began hanging out with her new girlfriend 24/7 and her interest in replying to me or hanging out with me quickly dwindled and diminished. We had made Halloween night plans about a month before Halloween. That's my favorite holiday so I was REALLY looking forward to it. That morning, I asked her where we were going to get dinner, etc. and she informed me she had to ask her new girlfriend what she wanted. I was taken aback, and said "wait, what?" and Sarah said, "yeah, she's coming too." Didn't ask me, didn't even tell me until *I'm* asking what our plan is. I was really upset. At first I just expressed my sadness and said I really didn't want to be a third wheel and I had been looking forward to this with my BFF just us. But she was giving me cold, emotionless answers like "well I'll keep that in mind next time we make plans" and "we'll do something just us soon." I was getting more and more hurt and angry as I felt her answers dismissed my feelings. Honestly I wanted her to un-invite her girlfriend. I felt that was the right course of action since we had planned this (and purchased tickets) a month prior just us and she never asked or let me know that suddenly I was a third wheel to the event *I* had invited Sarah to! And she was shocked that I had the audacity to suggest she un-invite her new girlfriend. She kept saying it wasn't a big deal and I wouldn't feel third wheely. She couldn't see why I was so upset. But to me, this wasn't just any night, it was my favorite night of the year and even if we hung out "just us" at a later date, I couldn't get a redo on Halloween. I kind of went off on her about unfair this was and how much it hurt me and that she ruined a really special night for me, but she stopped answering me. Then that night about an hour before we were supposed to meet, I get a text that simply says "I will no longer be attending." Cold as that. I texted her back and asked why. I sent her 3-4 texts asking her to please explain. Then I called her. Nothing. Since then, I haven't heard from her. That was over 4 months ago. It is in my personality to chase people. Be that romantic or just friends. I am not very stubborn and I much prefer things to be settled than to keep my pride, so I always chase people and apologize first. I had always done it with Sarah, during our relationship and subsequent friendship. So this time, I decided I wouldn't. That for ONCE, I wanted her to come to me first. I fully expected a few days or maaaaaybe weeks to go by, but that she would say something to me. After all, we talked almost every day and hung out twice a week or so for the year leading up to this. Wouldn't she want to have her friend back? Now that it's been so long, I guess not. She got her new girlfriend and totally replaced me. I told my therapist about this last Friday and said how hurt I was that I hadn't ever heard back from her. We are still Facebook/instagram/twitter friends, but she doesn't like/comment on anything and obviously never called or texted me. My therapist said that ultimately, it doesn't matter who says they are sorry first. If we were such good friends, to reach out at this point and initiate a conversation. Suddenly, my hurt and anger melted away and I just wanted my friend back. I literally typed out a message in my therapist's parking lot after my session and sent it to Sarah. I explained why I hadn't said anything before now and that it hurt me that she didn't reach out, but that I was sorry and could really use my best friend right now (I'm going through a horrible, horrible breakup depression as well). I said if she felt like she could be my friend, that would mean a lot to me, but if she didn't, then I would never contact her again. Silence. That was Friday. Now it's Monday and nothing. I am more hurt than even before. After all this, I finally bit the bullet and reached out anyway and I get nothing. She can't even respond and say no? I gave her that option. I said how sad and lonely I was right now and I was going through hell and could really use her. She feels nothing from that? No sympathy? How the hell can people be so cruel and selfish? Was I wrong to be mad at her for inviting her girlfriend last Halloween? Was I wrong to not contact her after that? Was I wrong in my message to her this past Friday? I don't understand and I'm so sad. Edited March 7, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing 1
salparadise Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) How the hell can people be so cruel and selfish? Was I wrong to be mad at her for inviting her girlfriend last Halloween? Was I wrong to not contact her after that? Was I wrong in my message to her this past Friday? I don't understand and I'm so sad. Wrong? I wouldn't characterize it as a right vs. wrong, good vs. evil kind of thing. The fact that you expected her to drop her new girlfriend and go out with you was not reasonable from her perspective, or the new gf's, esp. considering that you're an ex gf. I think she was being kind in trying to maintain a friendship up to that point, something that may not have been completely agreeable with new gf. The three of you going out together was a reasonable compromise and something she was willing to do... Then you overplayed your hand and lost. She has realized that she cannot be friends with you because there is going to be drama, so she has done what she needs to do. What seems incredible to me is that you assume that her loyalty and obligation to you supersedes everyone else, that you should get what you want by default, and are unable to see any of this from the other's perspectives. I'm sorry you lost your friend, but she was actually an ex-lover and she just couldn't balance your demands with her other priorities. She has moved on. That's not cruel and in fact it may be out of kindness that she had had to let you go. I'd suggest you broaden your circle and try to make new friends. And remember, once you become lovers with a friend you are in all likelihood forfeiting the friendship for the romance... and when it's over, it's over. At least that's the way it works for most people. Edited March 7, 2016 by salparadise 2
Satu Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I'm not saying that what you did was either wrong or right, but you behaved as if she had abandoned you, when she wanted to come with her new GF. From her point of view it probably seemed unreasonable. I suspect that you do have a fear of abandonment issue that you could look at with your therapist. Take care.
preraph Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I don't like it when people don't ask before inviting someone else either, because it does make you a third wheel. I had someone use me like that a few times. She just wanted to use me to get into concerts free and then surprise, brought her friend along and it sucked. Unless you knew that she had not and would not agree to do something alone with you on a holiday like that, then she is in the wrong. But if you realistically knew she wasn't going to abandon her girlfriend and leave her with nothing to do on Halloween, then it wasn't fair to not invite her also. Only you know. Anyway, she's behaved badly since then and sounds like a very fickle friend who you are relying on too much. Also, her girlfriend is putting up with her hanging out with an ex, so a lot of people would not put up with that. It was bound to become a problem with someone down the line and it's probably inevitable you two split apart. At this point, you've begged and pleaded. I'd block her forever from everything. 1
Author blackbird_brokenwing Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) Sometimes I think some posters on this website just enjoy finding a way to bash the OP under the guise of "brutal honesty." To salparadise - She and I had been best friends for years. It was a loooong time since we had dated. Ex-lovers or not, we were good friends and with that comes a certain level of courtesy and respect. Had she been in a long term, committed relationship with this person, you might have a point. However she had just started seeing this woman less than two weeks prior and sprung on me last minute that this person would be joining us. I don't think it's ridiculous to expect her to at least let me know further in advance, maybe then I could have procured my own "date" or friend. It really wasn't so much a "just us" thing, it was that I didn't want to be a third wheel. A friend of ours coming along would have been perfectly fine. I didn't ask her to "drop" her new girlfriend. She and I made plans more than a month prior, before she had even met new girl. Then with no notice, new girl is coming? As I said, it had been years since we dated. We weren't fresh exes. Looking at this from the perspective of a friend, I had a right to be upset. You're saying it was a "reasonable" compromise for the three of us to go out together as if it would be inappropriate for Sarah and I to be alone. Considering we had hung alone probably 100 times since we broke up, and that at this point it was more than 3 years since we dated, and she just started seeing this new person, I think you are completely overstating it. You're giving this new relationship far too much credit as if she owes me absolutely nothing simply because we once were romantically involved. I didn't ask her to drop her new girlfriend. I asked her to honor the original plans. I didn't overplay anything. And you are completely ridiculous to say "assume that her loyalty and obligation to you supersedes everyone else, that you should get what you want by default, and are unable to see any of this from the other's perspectives." You don't know me from Adam. How exactly are you able to use a phrase like "everyone else" when I have only mentioned a single person. Her loyalty at this point SHOULD have been to me, insofar as that night was concerned. It wasn't about choosing a new love interest over a friend, it was about being respectful of previous plans or at the very least having the courtesy to let me know more than a few hours in advance. And sure, she's moved on. Like she always does when she dates someone new and drops all of her friends and then comes crying back when she is single again and feeling lonely. I am insulted that you put this on me. As I said at the beginning of this post, it really seems like some posters on this site get a sick enjoyment out of making the OP of any thread feel worse about what they are going through. Edited March 8, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing
sadwithouthim Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I agree with you. I think she should've asked you if you would mind, before inviting someone else. It's just common courtesy. Maybe her gf invited herself along when learning of the plans. Still, she should've let you know well beforehand. Perhaps she thought you wouldn't be happy about it, so she put off telling you until the last minute. I'm sorry she hasn't responded to you. Sometimes, new relationships can be all consuming, so it could just be that. Get out and meet some new friends, and you'll feel better. Sorry you're hurting....well wishes.
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