ktragers Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 The reason I'm interested in this question is that I've been told in the past that maybe sometimes you gotta give those who are really into you a chance and let go of the ones who don't reciprocate your feelings. The logic sounds right but usually things just can't be forced. What about when you feel something but just not that strongly about someone? I'm not a picky dater but most of the time you just know - sometimes immediately - when you are attracted to someone and it's hard to explain it. Same goes with when you don't feel much about someone even if he or she is a a really nice person and that you get along so well, and could be really compatible. However, if we are extremely honest or if we want to dig deeper, I think there are actually things about someone you don't feel much for that somewhat turn you off, more or less. It could be a little detail shown through their behavior, their job, family situation, education background, habit, etc. I feel like after so many years of dating I know what I'm looking for and I've developed a keen eye for the whole package. But there are always cases where you are attracted to certain parts about someone while other parts could potentially write this person off as a long term partner. For example, I could be attracted to his sense of humor, attentiveness, physical appearance, emotional sensitivity, etc., while the fact that he can be a bit immature, his education, tidiness of his apartment, etc. could be a turnoff. Just throwing something out there. What do you do in this situation?
Toodaloo Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Depends to what degree and if I could live with it. I can't stand people who sulk. Drives me insane. So even a tiny bit of that and I am out of there. No one is perfect. I can live with someone who goes for a pee at night and doesn't flush but during the day forget it... I can live with someone who snores (I actually really like it) but if they breathe in my ear that will wind me up no end. Its knowing what you can and can not live with. Its called compromise. Essential in any relationship.
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 There is a thread here somewhere with a link to an article about divorce attorneys' views on marriage. The #1 thing they said was marriage isn't about love it's about tolerance. Can you put up with the quirks/ baggage? If you are being picky about superficial things or things that can fixed by throwing money at the problem (e.g. hiring a housekeeper to pick up after a messy partner), compromise may be in order. Don't give up core values however. 2
Seteeri Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 What one views as a flaw in one person, another could view as "perfection". Focus on the traits that are most important to you. Often what you value or look for in another person, is what you look for in yourself (personally, I'm of the belief that generally like attracts like). Of course, if you both value negative or unhealthy traits/behaviors then it probably wouldn't work out regardless. That being said, if you can acknowledge your own flaws and be honest with yourself, that would go a long way in compromising. Then as others said, ask yourself if you could live with those person's flaws until you're old and senile. No matter how compatible the match appears to be, ultimately, every relationship requires work to maintain a fulfilling relationship*. With the guys that you feel on the fence about, it might be that instead of normally where you notice the positive traits first, you might be noticing the negative traits first, but the person might still have some positive traits worth looking into that's leaving you lukewarm. And whatever you do, it's best not to hope someone will change into what you'd like, as what you see is mostly what you'll get (try talking to elderly couples lol). FWIW, behaviors are more amenable to change versus values/personality. Although, if you're hoping someone will change into something you want (try finding a similarily open-minded person), you'd better be willing to also change - compromise right? Tangent: * I think that initial compatability/desired traits serves to determine how hard the persons are willing to work for it, e.g. lower compatability requires more work, since it requires more compromise and as we all know, change is hard. So naturally, if two people both highly desire each other because of compatability/similar traits, then they are both willing to equally work just as hard, and thus they have a greater chance of having a successful relationship. If I hold the view that we follow the principle of least effort, we want somebody compatible because the more compatible we are, the less work (compromise) to be happy. However, this is probably why sometimes people get so caught up in finding the partner with the perfect traits and the initial feelings that go with that discovery, and completely forget about their flaws. When you're both focused on similarities, the relationship seems effortless, but life has a way of throwing you curveballs. It's like, omg, I found this awesome person, and then when that fades away, their flaws become apparent. By that time, hopefully there is/was enough compatability for the relationship to endure. The person will probably reassess whether what they liked initially in the person, was truly important to them, and determine whether to continue. I find that as people mature, they tend to take this into consideration early on. However, after a while, people tend to build up a huge list of desired traits, and again it comes down to what's most important - life is short so might as well keep your list to a minimum?
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