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My boyfriend begs for me to be with him, and when I am with him he's distant

BrunetteBabe1005

By BrunetteBabe1005
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BrunetteBabe1005 Member

BrunetteBabe1005

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Hello Loveshack Members! :) I am sorta puzzled. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. We broke up once, and it was him that broke up with me. He was a mess, he lost his car, hated his job, and was drinking a lot because he hated his life so bad, that it hindered our relationship. I wasn't easily wooed by this man. He worked very hard to get me. I definitely wasn't easy. His friends, and my friends even told him to give up on me because I wasn't budging. I didn't want a relationship, and I told him many times that I didn't want to date him because I have too much going on in my life, but he still kept pursuing me. He brought me flowers all the time, and consistently let it be known how much he is so infatuated with me, and how much he cared about me. Complimented me all the time, it really was sweet :) I was going through a very rough period, and lost my beautiful sister. He was by my side, and I finally caved and said "You know what, this guy has been trying and trying with you. Is by your side. Is so infatuated with you, just give him a chance." So I did, and it was awesome. He treated me like a queen....for about 4 months into our relationship.

 

Ok, with all that said, you get the picture. He started to become distant in the relationship, I would say after 4 months. He kept telling me it was his depression, and he is like that when he's stressed out. I backed off. it was bothering me because I fell deeply in love with this man, then he was not as touchy with me, not wanting sex, not kissing me. I felt like we were friends, and I told him about it, he just replied "I didn't know you felt that way. I am just stressed out." So I let it go. Then we started to fight a lot, and I said "If you're having problems, you need to see a psychiatrist be treated with proper meds, and not thrown meds and be treated like a guinea pig from your PCP." He wouldn't listen, then he started to drink heavily.

 

I couldn't handle it, and we fought, so he broke up with me. I was heart broken, and felt betrayed because I fell in love with him, and he tried and tried to be with me, what was all of that for? Is made me so angry that I let my guard down only to be hurt more. So he was super drunk, texting me and calling me threatening his life if I don't talk to him, and I said "Uh? You broke up with me, and you treated me like crap. Goodbye." He kept bothering me, so then he went to jail. It honestly wasn't something he did consciously wrong. He dropped his friend off at a bar and my boyfriend got arrested because he was "helping a fugitive flee", but he didn't know what happened, he thought his friend needed a ride, because even his own friend said to not arrest him because he didn't know what happened.

 

So my boyfriend spent two weeks in jail. He called me from jail, and was pleading for me to talk to him, and that he loves me and wanted to get back together and he made a mistake. So I slowly took him back. He was like what he was before. All over me, and trying to win my love back. As soon as I let my guard down again. He starts to become distant once again. I said to him "Listen, I can't deal with this. This is the same pattern as before and you broke up with me. I don't like surprises. If you don't want to be with me just say it." He said "I lost my job because of my piece of crap friend not telling me what he did, and I got arrested for his crap, I lost my car. I have nothing, and I can't even get a job because this pending charge pops up. I have a second court date, and I have to pay my lawyer. I have so much stress on me it's ridiculous." I said "Yeah I understand that, but you have to understand that when you have stress, I am going to think that you're going to break up with me, because it's the same pattern." He said "No, it's not you. You're not the problem." I am trying to let it go. But he won't kiss me as much, hug me as much, when he leaves the house, he doesn't say "Bye I love you." and kiss me like he always did. He just leaves the house, and says bye. I don't know what to do? I don't know if I should support him and help him, and if it is truly his own problems, or if it is me? Would you support him and stick by him? Or should I end it? I on't know if it's me or him. Hard to say.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Apparently, he likes you a lot better when you're unavailable/unattainable. I mean isn't it obvious?

 

He's a mess anyway, drinking problem, thrown in jail?

 

Not sure what the attraction is quite frankly....but IMO you need to block, delete and try to extricate this loser from your consciousness. And your life.

 

He's bad news.

 

That said, sorry you're hurting. Time heals.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 4
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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Yeah, this guy is a "chaser." Then when the chase is over, it isn't fun anymore.

 

And seriously. A drinker is NOT fun at all after a bit

Ask me how I know.

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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Okay, here's the short of it.

 

PCP & Jail = don't bother with a relationship here. Seriously the rest of it is rendered null and void by those two things alone. Why are you even considering a relationship with someone on this path in life? Don't you have better options?

joseb Established Member

joseb

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When a guy is that over the top chasing you it's not sweet, it's weird. And of course once the chase is over. He's not interested anymore.

 

But throw in the alcohol, drugs, jail....yeah I have no idea why you are still entertaining this.

  • Like 4
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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You know how your first instinct when you met him was that he was too messed up for a relationship? Your instinct was right. Better to follow that instinct now than to ignore it further.

  • Like 1
Randomlyrandomme Member

Randomlyrandomme

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If it's going to work he needs to:

 

1 stop drinking

2 see a shrink and get therapy.

 

I have waaaay too much experience with depression and I feel like I can really relate to him

 

When you're at the depths of depression (this is sick) it feels good on some level. It's familier, it's comfortable; is something or somethings stressing you out? Come to the D-side. Nothing but apathy, no hurtful emotions.

 

You don't fit that. You're a part of his life that (for now at least) doesn't drive him to depression. You're an obstacle to his safety zone. So he withdraws from you. No intense emotions; break the physical connection. No sex for sure (that feels way to good. There might even be a smile involved. Best to avoid it)

 

Nothing's going to change until he gets himself into proper treatment. And that's his choice, not yours.

 

But nothing will change unless he does. Even if he has a good spell and spends a year out of his funk. IT WILL COME BACK. He needs to address his issues.

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BrunetteBabe1005 Member

BrunetteBabe1005

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Haha, oh my gosh! People thought I meant the drug "PCP" no no. I mean his Primary Care Physician (PCP) because I told him to see a psychiatrist and not a PCP for his problems because the primary care physician just throws all sorts of anti- depressants at him and treats him like a guinea pig. Where as a Psychiatrist can properly diagnose him and give him the proper meds He needs for whatever depression or mental disorder He has. He doesn't do drugs at all. He just would drink heavily. He hasn't drank alcohol since he got out of jail. It honestly wasn't his fault why he was in jail, his friend is scum, and failed to tell him he was fleeing from the cops. I am NOT sticking up for him. It's the truth. I cuddled up to him and tried to have intercourse he turned his head and said "I just ate and you are getting over your sickness." I said "well I still had this sickness a couple of days ago and we had sex? What do you have to be all doped up on your klonopin (it's what his doctor prescribed him for his anxiety) to have sex with me? Is that the only time I'm attractive I guess?" he had a very confused look on his face and said "No? I was relaxed. I'm not taking those meds anymore. They just dope me up and make me sleep and I can't function like that." I said "Well that was rude how you rejected me Like that." he still looked confused and said "I'm just laying in the bed relaxing. I didn't know I was being rude. I have a lot going through my head. I'm so stressed out." I said "yeah well you made me feel stupid and like crap." he still looked at me puzzled and said "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I didn't mean to make you feel that way." So I really don't know what his deal is. I don't know if he's just really stressed out and doesn't realize how he projects himself? Doesn't realize how he is kinda rude because he's off in his own world? I don't know what to think of this?

Edited by BrunetteBabe1005
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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OP, that's all fine and dandy, but it still doesn't justify him wanting you *only* when you are unavailable and unattainable....which is clearly the case.

 

Which IMO trumps all the other things you mentioned anyway.

 

Take off the blinders sweetie... this man will never be who you want him to be, and deserve!

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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His problem is not your problem....stop being a Florence Nightingale coming to his rescue. If you stay his problems will start to involve you and interrupt your life in a very negative way.....he's a hot mess, and don't believe his bull shi t that things wil be OK. They never will be. Get out now!

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Haha, oh my gosh! People thought I meant the drug "PCP" no no. I mean his Primary Care Physician (PCP) because I told him to see a psychiatrist and not a PCP for his problems because the primary care physician just throws all sorts of anti- depressants at him and treats him like a guinea pig. Where as a Psychiatrist can properly diagnose him and give him the proper meds He needs for whatever depression or mental disorder He has. He doesn't do drugs at all. He just would drink heavily. He hasn't drank alcohol since he got out of jail. It honestly wasn't his fault why he was in jail, his friend is scum, and failed to tell him he was fleeing from the cops. I am NOT sticking up for him. It's the truth. I cuddled up to him and tried to have intercourse he turned his head and said "I just ate and you are getting over your sickness." I said "well I still had this sickness a couple of days ago and we had sex? What do you have to be all doped up on your klonopin (it's what his doctor prescribed him for his anxiety) to have sex with me? Is that the only time I'm attractive I guess?" he had a very confused look on his face and said "No? I was relaxed. I'm not taking those meds anymore. They just dope me up and make me sleep and I can't function like that." I said "Well that was rude how you rejected me Like that." he still looked confused and said "I'm just laying in the bed relaxing. I didn't know I was being rude. I have a lot going through my head. I'm so stressed out." I said "yeah well you made me feel stupid and like crap." he still looked at me puzzled and said "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I didn't mean to make you feel that way." So I really don't know what his deal is. I don't know if he's just really stressed out and doesn't realize how he projects himself? Doesn't realize how he is kinda rude because he's off in his own world? I don't know what to think of this?

 

He just would drink heavily. -- As if . . . what? He's functioning in a healthy way emotionally otherwise? Everything you are saying here is about minimizing. He's has a ton of stuff to work through before he can ever be a good partner to anyone. "It's not his fault that he went to jail?" You can't tell us that he didn't know his friend was, let's say, less than an upstanding citizen in the community.

 

I don't know what to think of this? -- The first step would be to actually start thinking . . .

  • Like 2
Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

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I'm very sorry that you lost your sister.

 

Sometimes when you're grieving, the people who come into your life at that time spark all kinds of deep feelings because they bridge the isolation that inevitably comes with the grief process. He was "there" for you at a time when you really needed love, care and steady attention. I can imagine that you are confused because one part of you sees the extent of the problems this man has, while another part of you feels deep loyalty and gratitude that he came into your life during a dark time.

 

But grief abets eventually, and then you have to see how you and your partner work together through the more mundane stressors of life. It's easier as a stranger to be there for someone who is down than be able to be an equal partner when things start to get better for the downtrodden person. He is showing you that he's really not equal to the task of a normal, healthy relationship.

 

Maybe this is a case of a person coming into your life when you really needed that support, and now that need has lessened and you need a stable, steady partner, which he is not. You see this, which is why you are posting here. I'm saying it's okay to let him go; the founding circumstances of your relationship have changed and he is not long-term relationship material. Let him go. Hopefully he will get the psychiatric / therapeutic help he needs, and you can get on with your life.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I'm very sorry that you lost your sister.

 

Sometimes when you're grieving, the people who come into your life at that time spark all kinds of deep feelings because they bridge the isolation that inevitably comes with the grief process. He was "there" for you at a time when you really needed love, care and steady attention. I can imagine that you are confused because one part of you sees the extent of the problems this man has, while another part of you feels deep loyalty and gratitude that he came into your life during a dark time.

 

But grief abets eventually, and then you have to see how you and your partner work together through the more mundane stressors of life. It's easier as a stranger to be there for someone who is down than be able to be an equal partner when things start to get better for the downtrodden person. He is showing you that he's really not equal to the task of a normal, healthy relationship.

 

Maybe this is a case of a person coming into your life when you really needed that support, and now that need has lessened and you need a stable, steady partner, which he is not. You see this, which is why you are posting here. I'm saying it's okay to let him go; the founding circumstances of your relationship have changed and he is not long-term relationship material. Let him go. Hopefully he will get the psychiatric / therapeutic help he needs, and you can get on with your life.

 

What you are referring to is "trauma bonding". However, trauma bonding is about a shared traumatic experience. This is not about that. This relationship is about an unhealthy/dysfunctional attachment style. This is about co-dependency.

Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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Apparently, he likes you a lot better when you're unavailable/unattainable. I mean isn't it obvious?

 

He's a mess anyway, drinking problem, thrown in jail?

 

Not sure what the attraction is quite frankly....but IMO you need to block, delete and try to extricate this loser from your consciousness. And your life.

 

He's bad news.

 

That said, sorry you're hurting. Time heals.

 

This is what I was thinking. I also believe he's the guy you are seeing now. Anyone can act good for a few months. It's not called the perfect phase for nothing. But once that mask falls you start seeing the real guy. He's the guy who is acting distant and mistreating you; not the guy who was great for 4 months.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Anyone can act good for a few months. It's not called the perfect phase for nothing. But once that mask falls you start seeing the real guy. He's the guy who is acting distant and mistreating you; not the guy who was great for 4 months.

 

As someone here once said, I waited 10 years for the good guy to make an appearance again, but he never showed.

Don't make the same mistake.

  • Like 1
thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

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I would honestly be selfish about this - you only get one life. A person like that can drag you down. You need to not let this guy chain you down. With the drinking, if it's a full blown addiction, he may not ever get over it and keep relapsing. This will be too much stress for you. I have a family member who had problems with alcohol and it's really sad the downward spiral that he went into, but there's no getting out of it unless the person is motivated to change it for themselves.

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BrunetteBabe1005 Member

BrunetteBabe1005

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Thank you for condolences of my sister. Yes, it was a very hard and traumatic time for me and it still is. My sister was a beautiful girl that liked to party too much and was careless. She left the party in a car with a drunk guy and He wrecked the car he almost died, but my sister is the one died because she was bleeding out too much, and just didn't make it but the guy is paralyzed from the waist down it was a really bad accident and she was my only friend. I felt like apart of me died when she died we were so close and could talk to each other about anything. It was a special bond. I think everyone is right when they said about the grief stage of me and why I went for him. He knew my sister and was close with her too, because he is older than me and went to school with my sister, but he was always close to my sister because he was friends with her but it was more to get to me because she would always tell me about how my boyfriend liked me and he would try to find out info about me through my sister, like if I was dating someone or something. I can't let go of him. I don't want to live when he's not with me. I fell so in love with him. It's odd how I know this is wrong and he's not the right guy, yet love him so much? It makes absolutely zilch sense to me how I feel about him. I hate him, then I love him. I don't want him around, but Indont want to lose him. It's so strange how I almost can't make up my mind. I only went for him because I felt lonely and I felt like I needed comfort, like everyone was saying. When my sister died. When she died that's when I went for him because the whole time I wasn't interested in him and I thought he was strange how infatuated he was with me. Then all of a sudden he was like a "knight and shining armor" when my sister died because he was so caring and loving. By my side. Made sure I was ok because I was on suicide watch because I couldn't handle the fact that I could never have a conversation with my sister ever again. Then it all comes down to this. Just makes me sick how I open my heart after the longest time only for me to be hurt. Thanks Loveshack Members. I'm a mess honestly and don't know what to think or do.

ribeto Member

ribeto

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he went to jail. It honestly wasn't something he did consciously wrong. He dropped his friend off at a bar and my boyfriend got arrested because he was "helping a fugitive flee", but he didn't know what happened, he thought his friend needed a ride, because even his own friend said to not arrest him because he didn't know what happened.

 

Friends don't let fugitives drive drunk.

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BrunetteBabe1005 Member

BrunetteBabe1005

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Hello LoveShack Members! I am posting again about my boyfriend I have been dating for a little over a year. Let me say first that this a question that has been mind boggling. I already said how he was with me at first. I put it off for a long time, until my sister died and that's when I started dating him. I really thought I hit the jackpot when I listened to people and gave him a chance. He was so charismatic, and such a gentlemen! Always complimenting me, and saying "I love you", taking me out, and was so caring. Until about 5 months into our relationship I felt like everything went down hill from there. I fell deeply in love with this man, because I was never shown affection and so much appreciation from a man like that before. I could feel the love the emitted from his soul.

 

As I was saying he was drinking heavily, even sober he became distant, and not as loving towards me. He was just quiet and to himself. I believed him when he said it's his own problems, so I let it go, but it started to bother me more and more his behavior, and I felt that he was insensitive to my emotions and not supportive anymore of the loss of my sister. I had a hard time, and a bad struggle with her loss, and I just felt like he gave up, so I gave up and broke up with him. He just wasn't himself.

 

He begged, and begged to be with me again, his favorite tactic was "I am going to commit suicide if I don't have you." It's always suicide, but I didn't fall for it. I held my ground, but he was so continuous and saying he'll change, that I let him back in. He was very loving and caring, then a month later he went back to his old self. I said to him "Look, you can't keep messing with my head. You confess your love to me when I break up with you, it makes me think you only use me." He said "I have places to go Cassie, it's not like I need a place to stay. If I didn't want you, I wouldn't be here, or try to get you back. I would just leave and be done with this." I said "Well then why are you distant all the time?" He said "Because I have my own problems going on. I go off in my own world." I said "I understand. I have problems too, for christ sakes I lost my sister. My only friend, and I am still affectionate towards you, and try to stay positive. It doesn't hinder my affection towards you." He said "Yeah but I am just that type of a person."

 

When he broke up with me this last time, I didn't contact him once, he contacted me. Again the suicide threat, and wanted me back. I wasn't responding to his calls and texts until he ended up in jail, and he called me begging for me to stay on the phone with him, so I did, and he was saying he is a changed man, and he loves me. He knows he messed up and all of that. He cried when I visited him in jail, and said I looked beautiful. When he gets out, he's very loving towards me, and now it's this distance again. He is to himself. Doesn't really talk to me, he makes it seem like he doesn't want to be with me. This is same cycle I have been dealing with. I am usually the one that says "I love you" first. He'll say it first but not often. He doesn't call me when he's at work, only once he'll call me, where as before he was constantly texting me and calling me at his job all day. He would send me texts if he had to leave at 4am and say "Good morning beautiful, hope your day goes well." so I could wake up to it. He doesn't do that anymore.

 

My thing is this. Why would you put so much effort into trying to be with someone then act distant? Why when I break up with him, he begs for me back when it seemed like I was doing him a favor? Why does he act like his loving self then act distant and weird again? What is the point of doing all of this, if he really doesn't want to be with me (at least that's how I feel)? or eventually gets sick of me then why does he want to be with me? I can't fathom if I am clingy? Or if he is the one that's in the wrong? I don't know what to think. Thanks for reading!

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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OP, please read up on codependency. Also, you sound like you could benefit from some good mental health care as well. When my dad got sick and died 10 years ago, I too was embroiled in a messy, emotionally exhausting, codependent relationship. Even though it was awful, it provided enough distraction from what was going on with my dad that I didn't have to think about it. The relationship was my own way to avoid the pain.

 

Do you have a therapist?

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Your instincts are right. Now you need to follow through. Do not take him back until he has stayed in therapy with a real psychologist with access to meds through a psychiatrist. Tell him no until he does that and has been doing it for at least 3 months. Sounds to me he may have addictive type problems as well as the depression.

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