How do MOWs/MOMs handle the end of an affair?

March 7, 2016

Isn't this a good thing? You should be happy.

I'm not happy that xMM opened up all the emotion's inside me for the first time, showed me what it feels like to be feel like a woman, to be touched and loved and to be made love to, to be kissed, then dumped me, then came back to reopen this wound again, then repeat this same exact process again and again on a daily basis for a year and a half,

tormented me, destroyed me,

and then to tell me his life is better now--thanks to the affair.

I smiled politely and told him I was happy for him.

And, I am happy for him for rediscovering his life's path and his love for his wife.

But, I'm just not happy that I was used in the process, like a disposable commodity.

Before the affair, while my marriage had that many flaws, I was not heartbroken and destroyed. I was functioning with blissful ignorance.

If xMM needed to have an affair with someone to 'spice up' his marriage, I just wish he USED someone else--someone who eagerly and willfully engaged in an affair.

My understanding was that it was a friendship, while xMM was plotting and seducing me the whole time for fun.

Not only do I feel hurt, but I feel stupid and used and betrayed.

So,

Me before affair:

a married woman living completely celibate marriage, practically virgin, living like a nun;

Me after affair:

feeling like stupid, naive, gullible, used like a substitute prostitute and part time hooker for a married man's entertainment, then tossed out, broken, and burnt from inside out.

I guess there's nothing more thrilling than a clueless virgin prostitute.

And no, I do not have the option to leave my marriage and xMM knew about that too.

So, NO Liam,

I'm not really feeling HAPPY.

March 7, 2016

I'm not happy that xMM opened up all the emotion's inside me for the first time, showed me what it feels like to be feel like a woman, to be touched and loved and to be made love to, to be kissed, then dumped me, then came back to reopen this wound again, then repeat this same exact process again and again on a daily basis for a year and a half,
tormented me, destroyed me,
and then to tell me his life is better now--thanks to the affair.

I smiled politely and told him I was happy for him.
And, I am happy for him for rediscovering his life's path and his love for his wife.

But, I'm just not happy that I was used in the process, like a disposable commodity.

Before the affair, while my marriage had that many flaws, I was not heartbroken and destroyed. I was functioning with blissful ignorance.

If xMM needed to have an affair with someone to 'spice up' his marriage, I just wish he USED someone else--someone who eagerly and willfully engaged in an affair.

My understanding was that it was a friendship, while xMM was plotting and seducing me the whole time for fun.

Not only do I feel hurt, but I feel stupid and used and betrayed.

So,
Me before affair:
a married woman living completely celibate marriage, practically virgin, living like a nun;

Me after affair:
feeling like stupid, naive, gullible, used like a substitute prostitute and part time hooker for a married man's entertainment, then tossed out, broken, and burnt from inside out.

I guess there's nothing more thrilling than a clueless virgin prostitute.
And no, I do not have the option to leave my marriage and xMM knew about that too.

So, NO Liam,
I'm not really feeling HAPPY.

This is so sad, Burnt. What a selfish a-hole. Hugs to you.

He may look like he came out of it all victorious, but you know who he truly is, he is no prize. Be lucky you're not his wife and he is no longer your problem.

My own xMM jerked me in the same manner for almost 3 months after I ended it, and it was incredibly painful. Then his wife got suspicious and he disappeared into thin air to repair the damage and to save his cheating @ss, leaving me heartbroken all over again.

March 7, 2016

I'm not happy that xMM opened up all the emotion's inside me for the first time, showed me what it feels like to be feel like a woman, to be touched and loved and to be made love to, to be kissed, then dumped me, then came back to reopen this wound again, then repeat this same exact process again and again on a daily basis for a year and a half,
tormented me, destroyed me,
and then to tell me his life is better now--thanks to the affair.

I smiled politely and told him I was happy for him.
And, I am happy for him for rediscovering his life's path and his love for his wife.

But, I'm just not happy that I was used in the process, like a disposable commodity.

Before the affair, while my marriage had that many flaws, I was not heartbroken and destroyed. I was functioning with blissful ignorance.

If xMM needed to have an affair with someone to 'spice up' his marriage, I just wish he USED someone else--someone who eagerly and willfully engaged in an affair.

My understanding was that it was a friendship, while xMM was plotting and seducing me the whole time for fun.

Not only do I feel hurt, but I feel stupid and used and betrayed.

So,
Me before affair:
a married woman living completely celibate marriage, practically virgin, living like a nun;

Me after affair:
feeling like stupid, naive, gullible, used like a substitute prostitute and part time hooker for a married man's entertainment, then tossed out, broken, and burnt from inside out.

I guess there's nothing more thrilling than a clueless virgin prostitute.
And no, I do not have the option to leave my marriage and xMM knew about that too.

So, NO Liam,
I'm not really feeling HAPPY.

Well, I am sorry this happened to you.

Were you aware he was married? Did he claim to not love his wife? Did he say he would leave his wife for you.

If so, the guy is a huge jackwad and you should be glad you found this out about him.

If however, he never promised you any of these things, what did you expect from an affair with a married man?

I know what it feels like to be in a sexless marriage. But what I learned was the sexlessness was NOT all my wife's fault.

Different people need different things to feel sexy. My wife needed romance. I needed my wife to take the lead once in awhile.

We have solved these issues with counseling.

Can you get your husband into counseling to address his lack of sexual desire.

For men their are a few drugs like viagra and cialis that may help some men if their health is good.

March 7, 2016

This is so sad, Burnt. What a selfish a-hole. Hugs to you.
He may look like he came out of it all victorious, but you know who he truly is, he is no prize. Be lucky you're not his wife and he is no longer your problem.
My own xMM jerked me in the same manner for almost 3 months after I ended it, and it was incredibly painful. Then his wife got suspicious and he disappeared into thin air to repair the damage and to save his cheating @ss, leaving me heartbroken all over again.

Thanks Shadowburn.

And, to add to it all,

the thing is, rationally and logically, even after being in NC for over a year (which I initiated and maintained, despite him breaking it multiple times),

I still am in love with him, despite all the horrible things he has done.

Just about on a daily basis, I pile up a long list of reasons for how much I should hate him,

but the anger and the hate quickly fades.

And I'm left in the same place. Just hurt.

Even reading your response, part of me thinks, "don't curse at him". When my own therapist says something negative about him to validate my pain, a part of me almost wants to defend him.

It's just so sick.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through. All of it--just such an awful and painful mess.

March 7, 2016

Thanks privategal. How long have you been in NC? Have you found that it has got any easier? Do you have good days and bad days? Are the good days becoming more numerous? How is your general connectedness with your H?

I am nearly 100 days NC. At about 2 months, I thought I was doing really well, but I seem to have hit a bad patch that is lasting weeks - very fragile, weak and vulnerable. Recovery is absolutely not a linear process - that's what I'm finding out.

While my W and I are doing well dealing with the fallout, there are of course aspects of it that I can't discuss with her - like when images of the OW pop into my head. I've only got you guys for that, but I'm so glad to have you all.

Oh, why do we do it guys - WHY?

1 month strict NC a little more actually.

I do ok...this happened before and I nearly had a nervous breakdown so this time Im unfortunately more familiar with the healing process.

Its a lonely road it was a very LTR and Im sad how its ended so painfully, but my marriage is really strong, a wonderful H!

Congrats on 100 days, I know its hard, at this point after 100 days the hardest parts are behind you but yes, the flashbacks remain.

March 7, 2016

The poster's question was:

How do MOM and MOW's handle the end of an affair.

I am answering that question. I am very annoyed and angry at the OW because she pulled a bait and switch. I am not sad it is over. I am relieved.

Personally, based on many MOMs I talk to it is a common complaint the the OW tends to want more than an affair, no matter what they say.

To that end some OW's will tell the wife, taunt the wife, harass the wife, etc.

Although some MOM's might miss their affair partner. The MOMs rarely taunt the husband, harass or stalk him.

So, To answer the question of how I handle the end of the affair, I will again say I am totally irrevocably relieved that the OW showed her true colors. It has totally erased any fond memories of the affair I may have tried to harbor.

Why does me answering this question honestly upset you?

Oh, I wasnt upset, just curious, seems you dont need us here on the ow forum, your Marriage seems good and so was just curious if you found the ow section still helpful is all. Tks.

March 7, 2016

Thank you all for your responses, they've been very interesting to read and insightful for me. I'm glad I asked this question as it will allow me to read MOM/MOW posts with a bit more understanding now. For a while I was struggling with feelings of, "but you have your marriage to fall back on while I'm alone!" but now I see that it's not nearly so simple. I'm grateful for all of my space and time to heal. I get to take bubble baths, read self help stuff, watch downton abbey, and cry when I feel like it. I've started looking forward to my healing evenings. For married folks, it's crying alone in the bathroom as one poster stated.

Burnt, I'm especially saddened by your story. Keep posting here. We are here for you.

One last quick, slightly off topic response to Jenkins' comment:

All day I've been feeling down and tired of what a strain NC can be. I just strck me for a moment that it would be so easy to pick up that phone....But I can't, I never will. It's been months - i can't allow that effort to be wasted.

Good luck all!

Don't you just hate that feeling?? You think "damn, if I was on day 2 it wouldn't be that much of a loss... but I've come so far that I basically can't go back! Why not? Why can't I go back?"

And then you get through the rest of your day and go to bed and know deep down that xAP is thinking of you too at least to some degree, and that they are also resisting the urge to reach out, and then you get up and start the next day and hope the urge isn't as bad. And so it continues. We all know, logically, that it will get better with time... but it sucks big time right now!!

Edited March 7, 2016 by lemondrop21

March 7, 2016

I'm a single xOW and some of the posts I read on here, from married OWs/OMs, genuinely puzzle me. I get very confused when I'm reading through an OW/OM story that's full of heartbreak and misery and then suddenly come to a sentence that says "I'm starting to focus on my marriage and it's starting to get better" or something along those lines. It can seem thrown in there like such a side note, but to me, it makes the situation seem enormously different from my situation. My affair ended and I have nothing to focus on but myself.

Please note that I am posting this out of genuine curiosity and desire for understanding; I mean no disrespect to MOW/MOM and some of my favorite posters here fall into that category .

My questions are:

Given that you and your affair partner are both waywards, do you see your situations as different or the same?
Do you honestly feel that, if your AP had left his/her marriage, you would have done the same (assuming you're staying)?
For those without a DDay - what is it like trying to improve your marriage while mourning the loss of the A? I used to think this would be so difficult, but perhaps compartmentalization makes it easy? Is your spouse's presence comforting to you because you are able to "fall back" on them since your A ended?
Again, just genuinely curious!

* similar in that we had similar situations and it looks. Our marriages are very different though and we have different motivations for cheating.

*no. We were never leaving. It was a FWB arrangement. No talk of live but there was a deep friendship. And I wouldn't want him for myself. I'd never bank on a cheater. I know, ironic, right?

*i don't have it in me to get attached to people in a way that leaves me grieving their loss. Did I miss him? Sure. Was I very pragmatic about it? Yes. We new what it was, and that it couldn't go on forever and my self protective instincts kicked in. It was safer to end it than continue. He has since tried to restart things and I have rebuffed him.

Yea, I was able to compartmentalise very well. I haven't tried to reattach to my BS, as the relationship has had issues for a very long time. I have only tried to improve me, and the environment for my children. Strangely enough this has led to my BH making changes himself also.

March 7, 2016

Oh, I wasnt upset, just curious, seems you dont need us here on the ow forum, your Marriage seems good and so was just curious if you found the ow section still helpful is all. Tks.

Yes. I do find it helpful.

Why.

Because it cements the fact that seems to be made apparent to me with my OW, that a larger percentage of women cannot separate love from sex the way men can.

March 7, 2016

50 shades of the rainbow.... nobody's experiences are the same Lemondrop, so trying to paint all OW and MM with the same broad brush is not possible.

I know MM had 7 years in a physical A with me. It was never all sexual and he is still in touch with me frequently. We still miss each other every day. He hasn't dealt with it at all and neither have I. At our advanced ages, (73 and 69) I doubt we ever will.

Whining because the A turned into a nightmare is immature and useless.

Life rarely turns out the way we plan.... so we just have to suck it up. Affair partners have to accept the responsibility for their reckless decisions and deal with it the best way they can.

Poppy

March 8, 2016

Lemondrop, what you have, because you are single, is the chance to find that complete love that you deserve with someone. (who is available)

March 8, 2016

Lemondrop, what you have, because you are single, is the chance to find that complete love that you deserve with someone. (who is available)

Yes. This.

I had an A before with my exH, we both left and I divorced, he never did. Eventually I moved on. While painful, it's very different to be single and married at the end of an A. As a single women, I went on Match and just dated, traveled, had fun. Eventually I met my now H and forgot about xMM justlikethat. 100%. And I was with him for 3 years, 2.5 of that while he was separated. BTW, he is still with her, I recently looked him out for whatever reason. That was maybe 12 years ago.

This time around, very different. You are basically trapped when you are married and it is really difficult to get over someone while being married because you just need that newness feeling to get over it all. I told H everything not so much out of guilt but because I felt he should be free to end the marriage. I admit a part of me wanted him to, because I fear I will never really be free. Obviously it doesn't help that I still have to see xMM.

To answer your questions, deep down I just think a marriage is ruined after one or both (in my situation) strays. A one night stand is one thing, but we both told other people we loved them. That's really bad. So why do we all stay? The kids thing is not a line. It's really just not that easy to up and leave. What am I going to go live in some rental room? Money is a real thing and you just can't let your whole world fall apart. It's one thing if you are miserable but most people are really not, they are just bored, lonely, and an A added that spice to life. My xMM said he was not unhappy, he had no desire to leave, he wanted both. Would I have left? Well, I did - for one night at least, and that was when I made xMM chose and he chose to stay. So I went back home because that was really my only option. I'm not getting beaten or anything. THis is just life.

I can't imagine hiding what I went through like other women on the board do. I was a wreck. I sobbed in front of H many, many nights and asked him why doesn't xMM love me. For whatever reason, H wants to work it out. He feels I'm worth it. When things are good, they are good but when we have an argument, I think to myself...why wouldn't he leave to be with me and should I have just left. Is this my life.

I guess I compartmentalize as well. I've been working on myself the last 11 weeks to just erase everything from my mind. It's the only way to go on.

March 8, 2016

1 our situations were real similar, both of us have dealt with verbal and emotional abuse from our spouses for years, enough to justify the affair?, yes and no....both are great parents to the kids, just lousy partners most of the time...I've been married 20 years and she has been married for 12. Kids, comfort, money, history all play a part in keeping one in the same place. We did not have a D-Day, our affair was 6 years long, she initiated it from the start, then finished it by ending it herself about 6 months ago.

2 At one point for quite awhile I was ready for everything to be found out, and for both of us to leave our spouses and just be together. We worked together for almost the whole relationship, we would spend the whole day together, before, during, lunch, sometime a quick dinner after...sex through out the day (away from work of course). It was a bubble that was big, accommodating and I loved it!, not at first so much, but I quickly fell in love with it and her.....I didn't care about anything else really....she consumed me like no other woman had/has...and of course over 6 years, I saw the "not so pretty" days, the "this is regular life stuff" and all of that, did we live together, no, but we had sleep overs at hotels more than one would expect in things like this, and it wasn't always " the fog" but even then it didn't change anything for me.....I still loved her and still do just like Burnt does with her X. For me, yea, I compartmentalized and led the 2 lives, and the married one with my W was getting ****tier buy the day, but honestly, I didn't care......

Now that it's over, and I can see more clearly, yes.....a D-Day would have been horrible, my W and kids really don't deserve to be screwed over by me and my selfishness....I have been broken by all of this....xMOW still haunts my dreams and thoughts daily, it just doesn't go away because, like a drug addict, it was so ****ing addicting....my marriage has surprisingly gotten better, maybe it's the fact that I'm home more, or not running to the bathroom to email or text, or staying late at work to be with my X?....I'm sure all of that and more attention from me to my wife has made things better....is it enough?, will it sustain and take us forward and will I ever get over my MOW? Only time will tell.....but I have bawled like a baby by myself, I miss her every day, and I just have to pray (ironic I know) and ask for help to move forward....

3 Falling back? Yea.....you have to reset to the time BEFORE the A, like going back in time.....impossible, but it's what you have to do......but since we all have been changed by our Affairs and actions, we are broken, and familiar with something else that ultimately I think....will be the undoing in the end....

I hope time will do its thing......I always remember the line, and I've posted it here before.....

Time, does nothing.....Time....is a magazine

I love that, lol.....but I do hope it helps with my shattered heart.....

March 8, 2016

My A is an EA. Both him and I are married. Our situations are very similar; both having trouble in our marriages. He has grown to become one of my closest friends. I love both my H and him in different ways. H and I have a history together, are comfortable and I love him in that way. EAP and I have a strong chemistry as well as a good friendship. He is intelligent, excites me and pushes me to grow. He has awakened something in me and makes me feel alive again. It confuses me at times and is difficult keeping my emotions in check. Apparently I have the capacity to love 2 men at one time, but have never encountered this before. I've always struggled trusting men to begin with.

If he left his marriage or his wife beats him to the punch, (he has made me no promises of a romantic future together and I trust him and respect him for that) I would be forced to make that decision too. I'm sure within 5 years him and I will both be faced with these decisions. I feel if that were to occur, we would continue our friendship and help each other and take our time to both recover from divorce before having a life together. I do not count on this happening.

No DDay here. I think regardless of what happens, EAP and I will be lifelong friends as we both genuinely care for each other. Realistically, at some point,I may have to close the doors on my romantic feelings for him.

Given that you and your affair partner are both waywards, do you see your situations as different or the same?
Do you honestly feel that, if your AP had left his/her marriage, you would have done the same (assuming you're staying)?
For those without a DDay - what is it like trying to improve your marriage while mourning the loss of the A? I used to think this would be so difficult, but perhaps compartmentalization makes it easy? Is your spouse's presence comforting to you because you are able to "fall back" on them since your A ended?
Again, just genuinely curious!

March 8, 2016

I think being single or married each have their challenges when in an A. I am married, but at times feel very alone emotionally in my M. I can physically depend on my H for comfort in the form of sex, but sometimes I feel so emotionally distant with him. There is a lot of hurt in my heart with H and our past. It is EAP that I go to when I am sad, or excited about some good news or want a comforting hug. While I may be in the arms of my H, I dream of and long to be in the arms of my EAP. That in itself is rough.

Lemon, I am glad you are able to find comfort in being able to grieve and heal alone. Your struggles as a single OW are just as valid as those of a MOW. I would say IMO, I would have much more rough time being a single OW as I am one of those people who craves physical touch and can at very minimum count on that from my H.

For a while I was struggling with feelings of, "but you have your marriage to fall back on while I'm alone!" but now I see that it's not nearly so simple. I'm grateful for all of my space and time to heal. I get to take bubble baths, read self help stuff, watch downton abbey, and cry when I feel like it. I've started looking forward to my healing evenings. For married folks, it's crying alone in the bathroom as one poster stated.

March 8, 2016

Poppy, this may seem harsh at first reading - but you are absolutely right. like privategal's post yesterday, I really needed to read YOUR post today. I admit, I have been whining and feeling sorry for myself. Why me? etc, etc. But all this mess was created by ME and AP. As you say, we just have to own it, suck it up and get on with life. S*** happens in life, and much of that s*** is self-created!

Nice to have the benefit of your 69 years experience to give me a much needed reality check/slap in the face this morning Poppy.

I hope you are well today

50 shades of the rainbow.... nobody's experiences are the same Lemondrop, so trying to paint all OW and MM with the same broad brush is not possible.

I know MM had 7 years in a physical A with me. It was never all sexual and he is still in touch with me frequently. We still miss each other every day. He hasn't dealt with it at all and neither have I. At our advanced ages, (73 and 69) I doubt we ever will.

Whining because the A turned into a nightmare is immature and useless.
Life rarely turns out the way we plan.... so we just have to suck it up. Affair partners have to accept the responsibility for their reckless decisions and deal with it the best way they can.

Poppy

March 8, 2016

I'm a single xOW and some of the posts I read on here, from married OWs/OMs, genuinely puzzle me. I get very confused when I'm reading through an OW/OM story that's full of heartbreak and misery and then suddenly come to a sentence that says "I'm starting to focus on my marriage and it's starting to get better" or something along those lines. It can seem thrown in there like such a side note, but to me, it makes the situation seem enormously different from my situation. My affair ended and I have nothing to focus on but myself.

Please note that I am posting this out of genuine curiosity and desire for understanding; I mean no disrespect to MOW/MOM and some of my favorite posters here fall into that category .

My questions are:

Given that you and your affair partner are both waywards, do you see your situations as different or the same?
Do you honestly feel that, if your AP had left his/her marriage, you would have done the same (assuming you're staying)?
For those without a DDay - what is it like trying to improve your marriage while mourning the loss of the A? I used to think this would be so difficult, but perhaps compartmentalization makes it easy? Is your spouse's presence comforting to you because you are able to "fall back" on them since your A ended?
Again, just genuinely curious!

Hi Lemondrop,

I'm an MOW and my MM Is obviously married too :/.xMM I should say.

When the MM and I met, we became friends at first (at least that's what I thought); we had to see each other often because of our children (best friends).

The MM flirted with me often and I enjoyed that but at the same time I was praying to God to 'please take my feelings away for this man!! This is not right!!' The feelings went away for a bit, but then they returned again, and then one day the MM kissed me.

Pretty soon he wanted sex, and I said: "No, I really can't do that!!" and I meant it too!! I really did!! But he got angry (first time he manipulated me with his anger) and then I felt sort of pressured to have sex with him because I thought: "Ok he is right, I did let him kiss me so now I should have sex with him too." And then I just went for it, you know?

And I fell in love with him completely.

But the MM always dumped me after a while, gave me silent treatment and all that, yet he always reappeared and said: "Oh, I just disappeared because of all of your questions." (Which was a lie, he disappeared because he wanted to and not because of anything I did).

Anyway, in the beginning of the A, he said he would leave his W right away if I would do the same. But the next day he said he will never leave her and lied that he never said that. So I never expected him to leave his marriage. He also always said that he is sooo happily married, whereas my marriage was (is) more like a brother/ sister relationship. And it became even worse once I got involved with the MM.

I decided to stop having sex with the MM and wanted to stay friendly/ friends , because we live so close to each other. But the MM always pushed and pushed and pushed until I had sex with him again. And this is really the truth, I know I'm to blame to because I never should have gotten involved with him, but I did (do) love him and it is really hard to say no to someone you love.

OK I could make this post really really long because obviously there's much more to it, but no, my spouse's presence is not exactly comforting because I can 'fall back' on him. Like I said, we're more like brother and sister but he's a good person. He knows I had an A (but I didn't tell him with whom) but we will stay together.

When I was young, I always got over an ex by falling in love with someone new, so I always feel like it would be easier to get over the MM when you're single because then at least there's a chance of falling in love again with someone....

Like I said, I won't leave my marriage and neither will H. We're friends and our marriage isn't passionate or anything, but I do think we're good parents to our children and it's better for them if we stay together.

Meanwhile, I'm still pining away for the MM & missing him SO MUCH and I hate that. He really wasn't nice to me much during our (7 year long) A and most of the time I was saying 'I can't have sex with you anymore' (also because he treated me so badly) and we had many many endings yet he always reappeared and pretended that he wanted to be friends and that he loved me. During his good moments, he was very nice to me and I do feel like a fool for believing his 'I love you's' because I don't think he ever did. Or maybe he did. I don't know anymore what's true and what was a lie...

All I know is that my feelings for him were genuine. I always was a good friend to him

March 8, 2016

I'm not happy that xMM opened up all the emotion's inside me for the first time, showed me what it feels like to be feel like a woman, to be touched and loved and to be made love to, to be kissed, then dumped me, then came back to reopen this wound again, then repeat this same exact process again and again on a daily basis for a year and a half,
tormented me, destroyed me,
and then to tell me his life is better now--thanks to the affair.

I smiled politely and told him I was happy for him.
And, I am happy for him for rediscovering his life's path and his love for his wife.

But, I'm just not happy that I was used in the process, like a disposable commodity.

Before the affair, while my marriage had that many flaws, I was not heartbroken and destroyed. I was functioning with blissful ignorance.

If xMM needed to have an affair with someone to 'spice up' his marriage, I just wish he USED someone else--someone who eagerly and willfully engaged in an affair.

My understanding was that it was a friendship, while xMM was plotting and seducing me the whole time for fun.

Not only do I feel hurt, but I feel stupid and used and betrayed.

So,
Me before affair:
a married woman living completely celibate marriage, practically virgin, living like a nun;

Me after affair:
feeling like stupid, naive, gullible, used like a substitute prostitute and part time hooker for a married man's entertainment, then tossed out, broken, and burnt from inside out.

I guess there's nothing more thrilling than a clueless virgin prostitute.
And no, I do not have the option to leave my marriage and xMM knew about that too.

So, NO Liam,
I'm not really feeling HAPPY.

Burnt... this is how it's with me too... You put it in words very well , it's exactly how it feels to me too... And he played with me for 7 years and now he's gone (yet still 'there' because we're neighborhoods) and I'm still missing the 'good' times... where he was nice to me and all that.. even though I know that there were many more bad times than good

March 8, 2016

The posts of MidnightBlue1980, Outofmysystem, SweetiePi have me in tears. I fit into the same camp as you guys. I have a wonderful wife and family, and yet I am cursed with the nagging doubts of whether is is "enough". I know how ridiculously selfish this seems when on the surface I have everything a man could want.

Apart from all the other damage my A has done, the psychological damage to me is immense. She took me to highs that I didn't know existed, and even though that was in a bubble, boy it's hard not to have that any more - to accept that I will never be with her again. And much though I love my wife and children, it is hard not to find my own marriage dull and routine sometimes, and find my mind wondering to those highs of the A.

If there is anyone reading who has not had an affair, please never do it - even when it's over and you are committed to recovery and reconciliation, something inside you is changed forever, and you'll never be the same again. It's not that you can't get over it and recover - these forums testify that that happens all the time. But something inside you dies I think.

I think I will always love my AP on some level, but I really hope that, in time and the right attitude, I will find an appropriate place for her in some corner of my mind to be visited occasionally, and that the act of visiting that place is not painful. I know that to even have these thoughts would be horrible for my BS to know - but I have to be realistic. I can't just completely shut it out, so I somehow have to accommodate it.

If I can "manage" these thoughts of OW in the right way, there could still be a lot of happiness, fulfilment and excitement in my marriage. No question about it. Recovery is a process, no doubt about it - and it is proving a rocky road for me.

March 8, 2016

I think staying with a straying partner is foolish. I left my girl of over 5 years for emotionally cheating. I cut all ties. I left her with her new rebound. He's an alcoholic, both are on welfare and she's on anti psychotics. She was begging for me to be in her life still but I decided not to. I earn more money now, have deeper relationships with everyone, am happier and healthier. I always thought in affairs the dammage is done everywhere. That people should cut everyone out except for dealings with kids, learn and start fresh.

March 8, 2016

Jenkins95:

I love your posts. I wish I was able to PM you, but I'm not an established member

I just talked to my xMM and I'm beyond heartbroken (I write about this in my thread; sorry for mentioning it here), so, allow me to ask you the following question:

You seem to really be struggling with NC and missing, sometimes, your OW. Why are you doing it? Are you 100% sure that that's the right thing for you?

Hi solonely9

I hope you are feeling a little better? I know that is unrealistic - it will probably be several weeks before you even begin to feel better - but you will! Just keep posting and putting one foot in front of the other.

I am really glad if our posts are bringing you some comfort - even though we don't wish our pain on anyone else, it is comforting to know that there are people out there who understand what we are going through. Yes, when you get privileges, drop me a PM any time! It will be a pleasure.

You stated that I seem to really be struggling with NC and asked if I was 100% sure that ending the A is the right thing for me. Well, I am struggling with NC and I miss OW very much, yes! But not every day is as bad as I have been these last couple of days. Recovery is not a linear process, and many of the days during my nearly 100 days NC have been quite good, I haven't been thinking of OW constantly and I have had very few doubts that I am doing the right thing. However, when I have a bad day - I am plunged into doubts and uncertainty, and that probably reflects in my posts here. I really want to stop longing for my OW - I hope that it will eventually happen with prolongued NC.

As for whether I did the right thing, well there is no objective right or wrong answer for any of us here. I was in a complete mess when I had to make those decisions, so I read like crazy on the Internet, took advice here, and made my decisions based on using my head, rather than my heart.

The only solid gold certainty I knew was that if I left my family for my OW, then my wife would be absolutely destroyed, and my children would be completely messed around and probably end up in therapy one day. One of my three kids has special needs. Whilst you can explain the situation to the other two children (and they would be devastated), this wouldn't have been possible for my special needs child, whose world and routines would have been completely turned upside down. The only other certainty is that I myself would have been an absolute mess. Yes, you could argue that I am a mess now, but I think I would have been equally as much of a mess had I gone that way, but for a different set of reasons.

So I engaged my head, and as I wrote on another thread, these were some of my reasons for trying to make my marriage work: -

1. I didn't want to split up my family and cause chaos for everyone.

2. I realised that I did love my wife - just that we had grown apart a little, but that it could be rescued.

3. My wife's reaction after D-day. I saw her love and her desire to make it work. It woke me up and I too wanted to commit to reconciliation.

4. I didn't want to drag AP into such a complex, messy situation. Wanted her to be free to pursue someone single.

5. After reading numerous articles on the Internet and discovering here, realisation that I was typical of a MM in an affair hit me hard. I also found out that the success rate in relationships that start as affairs was pitiful and usually brought even more devastation to everyone involved.

6. I just wanted the whole thing to 'go away'. it was just meant to be a bit of fun. How had it evolved into such hell?

7. I didn't want the shame or chaos of divorce, co-parenting, etc. I would have made a lot of enemies and lost lots of respect and many friends. Very unlikely that friends/family would accept OW.

8. Again, after reading about so many affairs, I realised that I was in limerence, during which you feel you can face anything and your affair will survive on pure love......but if I had left my wife for my affair, I realised that one day I would wake up and not be in limerence any more - it's perfectly natural that it dies away. Then I would realise fully what I had done - and would probably regret it.

9. I started to fantasise more and more of a 'simpler' life with no AP. The magic dissipated, and even though I still had strong feelings, I knew that all this was not for me.

10. I wasn't prepared to take a HUGE risk.

I am not saying that I am just going to "settle" for an unsatisfactory marriage - that would be unfair to everyone and insulting to my wife and family. But I want to put everything into making it work and making it happy and fulfilling again. If after a certain amount of time (we don't have a definite time limit - I think we will just "know" if or when that point arrived), we find the marriage is not working, then we will look in to what options we have and whether we should consider separating. But to do it that way would be so much less damaging to everyone than me just leaving to be with AP, which would leave a complete bomb site.

I think we will be OK. We fell in love with each other at first site, and are capable of being such a close, connected couple. We took our eyes off the ball and allowed distance to get between us, the daily grind of jobs, having children, etc put us into automatic pilot, and then I did the most stupid thing I've ever done in my life and had an affair. Huge damage has been done, but the question is, can it be rescued? I think and hope that it can. But I need your help!

March 8, 2016

I think being single or married each have their challenges when in an A. I am married, but at times feel very alone emotionally in my M. I can physically depend on my H for comfort in the form of sex, but sometimes I feel so emotionally distant with him. There is a lot of hurt in my heart with H and our past. It is EAP that I go to when I am sad, or excited about some good news or want a comforting hug. While I may be in the arms of my H, I dream of and long to be in the arms of my EAP. That in itself is rough.

Lemon, I am glad you are able to find comfort in being able to grieve and heal alone. Your struggles as a single OW are just as valid as those of a MOW. I would say IMO, I would have much more rough time being a single OW as I am one of those people who craves physical touch and can at very minimum count on that from my H.

Right, if as a married person, you feel so alone or lonely even though you are married, try being single. You REALLY are alone and lonely.

March 8, 2016

The posts of MidnightBlue1980, Outofmysystem, SweetiePi have me in tears. I fit into the same camp as you guys. I have a wonderful wife and family, and yet I am cursed with the nagging doubts of whether is is "enough". I know how ridiculously selfish this seems when on the surface I have everything a man could want.

Apart from all the other damage my A has done, the psychological damage to me is immense. She took me to highs that I didn't know existed, and even though that was in a bubble, boy it's hard not to have that any more - to accept that I will never be with her again. And much though I love my wife and children, it is hard not to find my own marriage dull and routine sometimes, and find my mind wondering to those highs of the A.

If there is anyone reading who has not had an affair, please never do it - even when it's over and you are committed to recovery and reconciliation, something inside you is changed forever, and you'll never be the same again. It's not that you can't get over it and recover - these forums testify that that happens all the time. But something inside you dies I think.

I think I will always love my AP on some level, but I really hope that, in time and the right attitude, I will find an appropriate place for her in some corner of my mind to be visited occasionally, and that the act of visiting that place is not painful. I know that to even have these thoughts would be horrible for my BS to know - but I have to be realistic. I can't just completely shut it out, so I somehow have to accommodate it.

If I can "manage" these thoughts of OW in the right way, there could still be a lot of happiness, fulfilment and excitement in my marriage. No question about it. Recovery is a process, no doubt about it - and it is proving a rocky road for me.

Hi Jenkins!

I just wanted to point out the following from your post "she took me to highs I never knew existed" and "M is sometimes dull and routine". The reality is that in REAL life if you were with your AP in a REAL relationship the highs wouldn't be as high anymore.

You would be dealing with day to day life with your AP and after a couple of years (if not sooner), life would probably be dull and routine again. Plus your w would still play a big part in your life because you would have to consult with her on all parenting decisions and work out when and how often you see your kids. Your AP would most likely tire of that routine quite quickly and may want kids of her own which you may not want to go back through the baby stage again.

Doesn't sound that exciting anymore does it

I totally get it! Those A highs are incredible. But when you peel back to real life in all honesty you are probably never going to re-capture those highs because it was living in a fantasy world.

It's a sad thought because believe me I know that it makes you feel alive and full of vigour for life again. What we need to work out is how to recapture happiness in the ordinary (if you work it out let me know!!). Because that is where our true satisfaction in life will come. And true happiness won't come in chasing a fantasy that we think will complete us but ultimately leave us feeling unfulfilled because it's not sustainable. Hugs!

Edited March 8, 2016 by Grey Cloud

March 8, 2016

I think staying with a straying partner is foolish. I left my girl of over 5 years for emotionally cheating. I cut all ties. I left her with her new rebound. He's an alcoholic, both are on welfare and she's on anti psychotics. She was begging for me to be in her life still but I decided not to. I earn more money now, have deeper relationships with everyone, am happier and healthier. I always thought in affairs the dammage is done everywhere. That people should cut everyone out except for dealings with kids, learn and start fresh.

For some people, obviously you included health, cheating is a deal breaker, and nothing the wayward partner can do, how sorry they are, etc will make a difference. The relationship is dead at that point. That is the prerogative of the BS, and the wayward knows the risks they are taking when they act so selfishly. However, some BS do believe in giving a second chance and often relationships really can survive and flourish, even improve, after an A.

Did you have children with your GF health? Would you have been so quick to end things if you had? Or if you were married?

March 8, 2016

Another candidate for "post of the day" from GC! Once again, you have cheered me up - and yes, I can't (and don't want to) argue with anything you have said! Thank you

Hi Jenkins!
I just wanted to point out the following from your post "she took me to highs I never knew existed" and "M is sometimes dull and routine". The reality is that in REAL life if you were with your AP in a REAL relationship the highs wouldn't be as high anymore.

You would be dealing with day to day life with your AP and after a couple of years (if not sooner), life would probably be dull and routine again. Plus your w would still play a big part in your life because you would have to consult with her on all parenting decisions and work out when and how often you see your kids. Your AP would most likely tire of that routine quite quickly and may want kids of her own which you may not want to go back through the baby stage again.

Doesn't sound that exciting anymore does it

I totally get it! Those A highs are incredible. But when you peel back to real life in all honesty you are probably never going to re-capture those highs because it was living in a fantasy world.

It's a sad thought because believe me I know that it makes you feel alive and full of vigour for life again. What we need to work out is how to recapture happiness in the ordinary (if you work it out let me know!!). Because that is where our true satisfaction in life will come. And true happiness won't come in chasing a fantasy that we think will complete us but ultimately leave us feeling unfulfilled because it's not sustainable. Hugs!

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