How do MOWs/MOMs handle the end of an affair?

[lemondrop21]

I'm a single xOW and some of the posts I read on here, from married OWs/OMs, genuinely puzzle me. I get very confused when I'm reading through an OW/OM story that's full of heartbreak and misery and then suddenly come to a sentence that says "I'm starting to focus on my marriage and it's starting to get better" or something along those lines. It can seem thrown in there like such a side note, but to me, it makes the situation seem enormously different from my situation. My affair ended and I have nothing to focus on but myself.

 

Please note that I am posting this out of genuine curiosity and desire for understanding; I mean no disrespect to MOW/MOM and some of my favorite posters here fall into that category .

 

My questions are:

 

 

1. Given that you and your affair partner are both waywards, do you see your situations as different or the same?
   
2. Do you honestly feel that, if your AP had left his/her marriage, you would have done the same (assuming you're staying)?
   
3. For those without a DDay - what is it like trying to improve your marriage while mourning the loss of the A? I used to think this would be so difficult, but perhaps compartmentalization makes it easy? Is your spouse's presence comforting to you because you are able to "fall back" on them since your A ended?
   

Again, just genuinely curious!

[privategal]

Hi LD,

Well you hit the nail on the head.

Due to compartmentalization, you become two people.

In a strange way w/ AP you almost are a single ow

..my xeap and myself never made plans to leave, I didnt fantasize about that.

I had all I wanted at home, I just got lost and caught up in ego strokes maybe, the A bubble, the excitement.

Even if your spouse loves you and vice versa its still a huge thrill.

If your married you havent had that "new love" or honeymoon period in quite awhile so the butterflies overtake you.

Its quite hard to reattach to spouse sometimes as part of you was in another planet.

Then when its over you realize how much free time you have and you think wow, I wasnt giving it all to my H, Ive been half a partner mentally.

You feel guilt and its lonely to grieve in the bathroom or to silently cry yourself to sleep wondering how you got it all so wrong.

You cant confide all the hurt to your spouse so you are in many ways just as alone as ow but add the guilt of the fog lifting and seeing you were removed from the H or W who loved you and is still by your side. The confusion is so hard when your trying to get back to reality.

You had half your heart elsewhere and your completely confused and overwhelmed with the end of the fantasy and just how far gone you were but how it all seemed normal at one time.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi LD,

Well you hit the nail on the head.

Due to compartmentalization, you become two people.

In a strange way w/ AP you almost are a single ow

..my xeap and myself never made plans to leave, I didnt fantasize about that.

I had all I wanted at home, I just got lost and caught up in ego strokes maybe, the A bubble, the excitement.

Even if your spouse loves you and vice versa its still a huge thrill.

If your married you havent had that "new love" or honeymoon period in quite awhile so the butterflies overtake you.

Its quite hard to reattach to spouse sometimes as part of you was in another planet.

Then when its over you realize how much free time you have and you think wow, I wasnt giving it all to my H, Ive been half a partner mentally.

You feel guilt and its lonely to grieve in the bathroom or to silently cry yourself to sleep wondering how you got it all so wrong.

You cant confide all the hurt to your spouse so you are in many ways just as alone as ow but add the guilt of the fog lifting and seeing you were removed from the H or W who loved you and is still by your side. The confusion is so hard when your trying to get back to reality.

You had half your heart elsewhere and your completely confused and overwhelmed with the end of the fantasy and just how far gone you were but how it all seemed normal at one time.

 

EXACTLY this ^^^^^.

 

I couldn't summed it up better myself Privategal!

 

I will just add that in some ways the A makes you wake up and realize the grass isn't greener and what was most important (your h/w, your m) was right there the whole time. For me it was definitely unmet emotional needs plus a massive dose of ego strokes and selfishness. I'm glad I have my h and kids to focus on now that the fog is lifting and have learnt many lessons from all of this (that I'm not proud of). I guess I am as bad as all the other MM's everyone talks about as when push came to shove I would have never left my h to be with my AP (even though of course I thought about it). But it was all fantasy thinking and not based in reality.

[Grey Cloud]

Just adding to what I wrote previously. After being married for a long time it is very easy to fall into a rut. Life becomes about bills, financial pressures, a focus on kids, ferrying the kids from A to B, helping them do their homework etc. My h and I never did date nights and our communication consisted of who was doing what to maintain the household! Sex became a chore for me, just another thing to add to the never ending list of things to do when I already felt exhausted. I felt older than my years and unsexy.

 

Enter AP. suddenly I became the centre of his universe - endless compliments end ego strokes. There was no real life considerations to deal with - no sick kids, no cleaning the house and no arguing over who does more and who was going to clean up the dog's vomit!

 

It was an escape from reality. A complete fantasy world. I felt ALIVE again and re-energised. I fell for the whole thing hook, line and sinker.

 

Then the A progresses much like any other OW. A honeymoon or limerance stage, followed by the push/pull of guilt, followed by becoming an emotional, needy and desperate person, consumed by the A, jealous of the W which is all ironic when you are married yourself with a partner at home!

 

Recovery and NC is still difficult. In that respect we all follow similar paths. And then when the fog starts lifting you start thinking more clearly again.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[jenkins95]

EXACTLY this ^^^^^.

 

I couldn't summed it up better myself Privategal!

 

I will just add that in some ways the A makes you wake up and realize the grass isn't greener and what was most important (your h/w, your m) was right there the whole time. For me it was definitely unmet emotional needs plus a massive dose of ego strokes and selfishness. I'm glad I have my h and kids to focus on now that the fog is lifting and have learnt many lessons from all of this (that I'm not proud of). I guess I am as bad as all the other MM's everyone talks about as when push came to shove I would have never left my h to be with my AP (even though of course I thought about it). But it was all fantasy thinking and not based in reality.

 

I fully agree with privategal and Grey Cloud - great replies guys

 

In my A, the status of my OW changed part way through. She was in a LTR for most of the A, but was eventually discovered and became a single OW. This proved to be the beginning of the end for our A, because she inevitably became more needy and wanted more from me, but I wouldn't/couldn't leave my family and I was uncomfortable stringing a single OW along (such a principled guy, eh ? )

 

One of the major things that haunts me now is that, after the dust settled, I still have my original partner and she doesn't. I am racked with guilt about that every single day. But I suppose another way of looking at that is that whilst I have a marriage that is now tainted with an affair and needs constant work to maintain, she has the chance to build something new, untainted and with lessons well and truly learned.

 

I have to admit that I miss the highs of the affairs - pure unbridled joy and happiness. But I accept that it wasn't grounded in reality. I kind of compare the lifestyle we had in our A like a rock star who hits the top, but burns out and dies young because he can't maintain a lifestyle like that. We knew our lime together was limited so we just crammed everything into it, heart and soul - it was like the ultimate roller-coaster ride. And I miss that! Just like a smoker who quits will always occasionally crave for a cigarette. And as with privategal, there were a lot of unmet emotional needs that my affair provided, and lots of ego strokes and selfishness. We showered each other with compliments from dawn till dusk - almost like a competition of who could do most. She made me feel like the most gorgeous, handsome desirable man in the world (every mirror in the world tells me that that is, in reality, far from the truth!). And I made her feel beautiful, sexy and desirable. Writing it out like that makes it seem so shallow! But it's hard to not have that any more!

 

When I think of my marriage, well I kick myself about how I messed up really. You see, I did have issues in my marriage long before my A and was suffering from depression, but these were largely dealt with and just pre-A, I was actually genuinely happy for the first time in years! What did I do with my new found freedom? Yes you guessed it, I fell into an affair! After all, I deserved, it right after all those difficult years?

 

Now my goal is to return to the happiness I felt after my depression but before my affair. It is difficult because the affair changes you and it is difficult to go back to normality because the goalposts have moved a bit. But time, love and effort will get them back in the right place again!

 

OMG, when I was young, I'd be horrified to know that one day I would be posting the words "after my depression but before my affair" !

 

Very interesting thread lemon!

[jenkins95]

Grey Cloud

 

I am tempted to frame this is it so brilliant! thanks for reading my mind and cheering me up again!

 

J

 

Just adding to what I wrote previously. After being married for a long time it is very easy to fall into a rut. Life becomes about bills, financial pressures, a focus on kids, ferrying the kids from A to B, helping them do their homework etc. My h and I never did date nights and our communication consisted of who was doing what to maintain the household! Sex became a chore for me, just another thing to add to the never ending list of things to do when I already felt exhausted. I felt older than my years and unsexy.

 

Enter AP. suddenly I became the centre of his universe - endless compliments end ego strokes. There was no real life considerations to deal with - no sick kids, no cleaning the house and no arguing over who does more and who was going to clean up the dog's vomit!

 

It was an escape from reality. A complete fantasy world. I felt ALIVE again and re-energised. I fell for the whole thing hook, line and sinker.

 

Then the A progresses much like any other OW. A honeymoon or limerance stage, followed by the push/pull of guilt, followed by becoming an emotional, needy and desperate person, consumed by the A, jealous of the W which is all ironic when you are married yourself with a partner at home!

 

Recovery and NC is still difficult. In that respect we all follow similar paths. And then when the fog starts lifting you start thinking more clearly again.

[Liam1]

 

My questions are:

 

 

1. Given that you and your affair partner are both waywards, do you see your situations as different or the same?
   
2. Do you honestly feel that, if your AP had left his/her marriage, you would have done the same (assuming you're staying)?
   
3. For those without a DDay - what is it like trying to improve your marriage while mourning the loss of the A? I used to think this would be so difficult, but perhaps compartmentalization makes it easy? Is your spouse's presence comforting to you because you are able to "fall back" on them since your A ended?
   

Again, just genuinely curious!

 

Yes. I was an OM and my only interest was sex. Not love. My wife was going though a long period when she was not interested in sex, and I still was.

 

When I ended the affair, my OW turned into a stalker. She is harassing both me and my wife.

 

I would have been horrified had my OW left her marriage for me. I can not imagine being married to the OW. I always felt sorry for her husband.

 

The OW instigated the affair and swore she only wanted an affair, but all that changed when I confessed to my wife and ended the affair.

 

Personally, I always saw the affair as a fantasy, and somehow I stupidly thought no one would find out and no one would get hurt.

 

I do know other men who have had affairs and they do claim to tell the OW that they love them in order to keep the gravy train going. In reality, however, they never had any intention of leaving their wives.

 

IMO, I think a lot of OWs would be surprised to know that many of these men talk about their OWs in a very negative way. Both during the affair and after it ends.

[lemondrop21]

Hi LD,

Well you hit the nail on the head.

Due to compartmentalization, you become two people.

In a strange way w/ AP you almost are a single ow

..my xeap and myself never made plans to leave, I didnt fantasize about that.

I had all I wanted at home, I just got lost and caught up in ego strokes maybe, the A bubble, the excitement.

Even if your spouse loves you and vice versa its still a huge thrill.

If your married you havent had that "new love" or honeymoon period in quite awhile so the butterflies overtake you.

Its quite hard to reattach to spouse sometimes as part of you was in another planet.

Then when its over you realize how much free time you have and you think wow, I wasnt giving it all to my H, Ive been half a partner mentally.

You feel guilt and its lonely to grieve in the bathroom or to silently cry yourself to sleep wondering how you got it all so wrong.

You cant confide all the hurt to your spouse so you are in many ways just as alone as ow but add the guilt of the fog lifting and seeing you were removed from the H or W who loved you and is still by your side. The confusion is so hard when your trying to get back to reality.

You had half your heart elsewhere and your completely confused and overwhelmed with the end of the fantasy and just how far gone you were but how it all seemed normal at one time.

 

Thanks privategal, and all who have posted so far - these are fascinating responses.

 

Privategal, your words above made me feel so sad for you. I was in a LTR that I ended 2 weeks into the A, and I am so glad that I ended it, and that I had the option to do so (obviously if I was married, I wouldn't have ended that relationship so quickly, if at all). Reading your words, I just had this vision of me crying in the bathroom as xbf sat in our old living room, oblivious to everything. I am so glad I never had to go through that, because my xbf was a good man and never would have deserved it.

[privategal]

Thanks privategal, and all who have posted so far - these are fascinating responses.

 

Privategal, your words above made me feel so sad for you. I was in a LTR that I ended 2 weeks into the A, and I am so glad that I ended it, and that I had the option to do so (obviously if I was married, I wouldn't have ended that relationship so quickly, if at all). Reading your words, I just had this vision of me crying in the bathroom as xbf sat in our old living room, oblivious to everything. I am so glad I never had to go through that, because my xbf was a good man and never would have deserved it.

 

Thank you. With my xeap we were friends for 15 years so I greive the loss of a great friend and it will take much longer to feel ok again.

He drug me back in and out of friendship after ea ended.

I have only been truly free of that post ea friendship for a month and some change.

I always went back to platonic friendship during bargaining stage.

Eithervway...that friendship post A hurts and Im so upset the outcome will be like a friend is now dead.

Every ounce of energy is spent on NC and going forward. Its the hardest thing Ive ever done. I will never break it.

The grieving is familiar. Im like a professional when it comes to healing process as Ive had to do it too many times with him now.

Bound and determined to be free this time. Hugs to all.

[Shadowburn]

xMM and I broke up right before we both went on vacations with our respective families.

 

It was horrendous, as I couldn't show the slightest sign of being upset.

I'll never ever forget SOBBING in the hotel shower twice a day because that was the only time I got being alone with my devastation and grief.

 

At least when you're single, you don't have to pretend you're happy when your heart been ripped out. Go out, date, love yourself, make yourself happy - I am sorry, men are just not worth it.

Love and peace to all!

[solonely9]

Hi, lemondrop21. What an interesting post. I'm a MOW.

 

1. On one hand, our situations are the same. We are going through the same grief process and NC is quite painful for everybody. Also, in my case, I don't feel like I can fall back onto my marriage. We don't have kids, we drifted apart a long time ago, and I've been lonely and depressed for years now. So, in this sense, like you, all I have is myself. On the other hand, however, I think that you are in a slightly better situation, as you are single and can move forward with less beggage (please, understand, I am far from minimizing your pain), while, with us, the married ones, somehow, we have to deal with more damage. I cannot talk of the people who are trying to work on their marriages. I'm glad that they still have something there worth saving. In my case, first, I have to leave my marriage, deal with all the problems that come from it, make a life on my own, and, then, maybe, open myself to meeting someone new.

 

2. I would have left my marriage for my AP. Honestly. Someone here wrote a wonderful post about all the sacrifices you have to be ready to do for an AP with kids. I think that it was like a list of questions. I answered with a "yes" to all of them.

 

3. I don't find my husband's presence comforting at all, but my situation is different I guess. Again, I'm happy for the people who have something to hold on to. I really am.

[Liam1]

- I am sorry, men are just not worth it.

Love and peace to all!

 

That's an odd thing to say. Do you take no blame for the affair?

 

I am sure his wife or maybe even the XMM feesl you are not a very nice person for trying to poach another woman's husband.

 

Obviously you wanted a relationship rather than an affair.

 

I did not cry after I ended my affair. I was relieved and felt free.

[jenkins95]

Every ounce of energy is spent on NC and going forward. Its the hardest thing Ive ever done. I will never break it.

 

privategal, you have inspired me with that line. I needed to read that today. All day I've been feeling down and tired of what a strain NC can be. I just strck me for a moment that it would be so easy to pick up that phone....But I can't, I never will. It's been months - i can't allow that effort to be wasted.

 

Good luck all!

[Ms. Faust]

There were no emotions tied in with AP 2 and AP 3, so it was a simple walkaway.

 

As for my first AP, our relationship ended in divorce, after D-day with AP 3. So yeah, that took some therapy and serious introspection, to say the least.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[privategal]

That's an odd thing to say. Do you take no blame for the affair?

 

I am sure his wife or maybe even the XMM feesl you are not a very nice person for trying to poach another woman's husband.

 

Obviously you wanted a relationship rather than an affair.

 

I did not cry after I ended my affair. I was relieved and felt free.

 

Liam, just curious why you still post.

You seem to kinda judge ow like all of them are like your x. You also seem not to be in pain over ow and free from feelings from her so why post here still out of curiosity?

[burnt]

xMOW myself.

Good question lemondrop, as I myself felt numerous times that if I were single right now, it would have made life a touch easier for me to move forward.

 

Given that you and your affair partner are both waywards, do you see your situations as different or the same?

Our situations are extremely different, almost opposite in a way.

 

He started and pursued the affair, from the start to the finish line. He was in the driver's seat the whole time.

I neither intended nor planned to be a part of it.

 

The affair made him realize as he put it himself "all the things I thought were missing in my life were right in front my eyes all along"; it made him reawaken his love for his wife and strengthened his marriage.

 

The affair made me realize, that all the things I thought were present in my marriage all along were all illusions. All I want to do now is run--and I would if I had the option. I feel nothing but trapped in this marriage. I do so painfully wish I were single right now--not because then I'd be able to date others, but because I really do want to be just alone to find myself.

 

Do you honestly feel that, if your AP had left his/her marriage, you would have done the same (assuming you're staying)?

My xMM never suggested he'd leave his wife; that was never even implied. The only thing he said, was "maybe years from now, if we both are single, maybe we could be together". But if he was a single man and was willing to start a relationship with me, I would have left--no doubt. I loved him more than ever, and it was genuine from my end.

 

For him, it was just a distraction, to save him from boredom. As he put it he had to work on his "primary" relationship. Whereas, once I was involved with him, he was my FIRST romantic experience--both physically and emotionally. He was my primary, not something on the side.

 

For those without a DDay - what is it like trying to improve your marriage while mourning the loss of the A? I used to think this would be so difficult, but perhaps compartmentalization makes it easy? Is your spouse's presence comforting to you because you are able to "fall back" on them since your A ended?

 

I feel nothing but trapped now. The very presence of my husband anywhere nearby makes me emotionally worn out.

I have no desire or intention to fix the so called marriage, just need to find a way survive it now.

 

Before the affair, for years and years, my marriage had huge HUGE ugly issues and lies, all of which I was completely unaware of. Now that I know, I can't just forget the lies I have been living all these years, which I never doubted or questioned.

 

So, I guess, both my xMM and I came out of it more aware of ourselves.

It's just that he got to regain and rekindle with what he already had, but

I got to lose what I thought I had, but never really did.

[privategal]

privategal, you have inspired me with that line. I needed to read that today. All day I've been feeling down and tired of what a strain NC can be. I just strck me for a moment that it would be so easy to pick up that phone....But I can't, I never will. It's been months - i can't allow that effort to be wasted.

 

Good luck all!

Trust me its a HUGE daily battle.

I cant wait to get further into NC and maybe not feel the struggle any longer.

Best wishes in your resolve.

[PickledHead]

I have found this post really interesting.

 

It really concerns me how MM will deal with things when our A ends. Even prior to the A he spent most of the evenings alone, that time now is spent talking to me. Any spare moment he gets during the day/night is spent talking to me and this is how it has been for 18 months so that along with Seeing each other every day is part of daily routine.

 

When the A ends, as a single OW, I can fill my time with other things but I've always wondered what does the MM/MW do to fill that time.

 

His W has had some suspicions for some time so any change in routine, new hobbies ect will raise concern. I know he has brought it on himself but I do feel that when the time comes for me to walk away from this, I will feel guilt at the thought of him dealing with it.

[jenkins95]

Trust me its a HUGE daily battle.

I cant wait to get further into NC and maybe not feel the struggle any longer.

Best wishes in your resolve.

 

Thanks privategal. How long have you been in NC? Have you found that it has got any easier? Do you have good days and bad days? Are the good days becoming more numerous? How is your general connectedness with your H?

 

I am nearly 100 days NC. At about 2 months, I thought I was doing really well, but I seem to have hit a bad patch that is lasting weeks - very fragile, weak and vulnerable. Recovery is absolutely not a linear process - that's what I'm finding out.

 

While my W and I are doing well dealing with the fallout, there are of course aspects of it that I can't discuss with her - like when images of the OW pop into my head. I've only got you guys for that, but I'm so glad to have you all.

 

Oh, why do we do it guys - WHY?

[burnt]

I have found this post really interesting.

 

It really concerns me how MM will deal with things when our A ends. Even prior to the A he spent most of the evenings alone, that time now is spent talking to me. Any spare moment he gets during the day/night is spent talking to me and this is how it has been for 18 months so that along with Seeing each other every day is part of daily routine.

 

When the A ends, as a single OW, I can fill my time with other things but I've always wondered what does the MM/MW do to fill that time.

 

His W has had some suspicions for some time so any change in routine, new hobbies ect will raise concern. I know he has brought it on himself but I do feel that when the time comes for me to walk away from this, I will feel guilt at the thought of him dealing with it.

 

No you will NOT.

You truly have no idea what the end of the affair will feel like for yourself.

 

I'm sorry to have to say that by the time HE ends it, and he starts to rebuild his marriage, and he starts to focus on his wife and his own life, all his pain and guilt will be built around his wife, not YOU, whereas you will be discovering how deep the abyss of your OWN pain is.

[jenkins95]

This is heart-breaking to read burnt. Really feel for you ((((burnt)))). But it does beg the obvious question - why do you stay? Is it for children? Will you stay 'forever'? I guess the answers are to be found elsewhere in your posts - I will have a search around.

 

Still pondering those difficult question you left me on that other thread, by the way! Haven't forgotten!

 

We are here for you burnt. I hope you get some joy from life - it should be such a gift. And here we all are so sad Where did it all go wrong?

 

xMOW myself.

Good question lemondrop, as I myself felt numerous times that if I were single right now, it would have made life a touch easier for me to move forward.

 

 

Our situations are extremely different, almost opposite in a way.

 

He started and pursued the affair, from the start to the finish line. He was in the driver's seat the whole time.

I neither intended nor planned to be a part of it.

 

The affair made him realize as he put it himself "all the things I thought were missing in my life were right in front my eyes all along"; it made him reawaken his love for his wife and strengthened his marriage.

 

The affair made me realize, that all the things I thought were present in my marriage all along were all illusions. All I want to do now is run--and I would if I had the option. I feel nothing but trapped in this marriage. I do so painfully wish I were single right now--not because then I'd be able to date others, but because I really do want to be just alone to find myself.

 

 

My xMM never suggested he'd leave his wife; that was never even implied. The only thing he said, was "maybe years from now, if we both are single, maybe we could be together". But if he was a single man and was willing to start a relationship with me, I would have left--no doubt. I loved him more than ever, and it was genuine from my end.

 

For him, it was just a distraction, to save him from boredom. As he put it he had to work on his "primary" relationship. Whereas, once I was involved with him, he was my FIRST romantic experience--both physically and emotionally. He was my primary, not something on the side.

 

 

 

I feel nothing but trapped now. The very presence of my husband anywhere nearby makes me emotionally worn out.

I have no desire or intention to fix the so called marriage, just need to find a way survive it now.

 

Before the affair, for years and years, my marriage had huge HUGE ugly issues and lies, all of which I was completely unaware of. Now that I know, I can't just forget the lies I have been living all these years, which I never doubted or questioned.

 

So, I guess, both my xMM and I came out of it more aware of ourselves.

It's just that he got to regain and rekindle with what he already had, but

I got to lose what I thought I had, but never really did.

[solonely9]

Jenkins95:

 

I love your posts. I wish I was able to PM you, but I'm not an established member

 

I just talked to my xMM and I'm beyond heartbroken (I write about this in my thread; sorry for mentioning it here), so, allow me to ask you the following question:

 

You seem to really be struggling with NC and missing, sometimes, your OW. Why are you doing it? Are you 100% sure that that's the right thing for you?

[PickledHead]

Sorry I may have worded that wrong burnt

 

What I mean is if it is me that decides to walk away then I will feel guilt towards him, for early the reasons stated, when doing so.

 

i don't doubt for a second that I am going to have to go through my own grieving process! That's not what I meant

[Liam1]

Liam, just curious why you still post.

You seem to kinda judge ow like all of them are like your x. You also seem not to be in pain over ow and free from feelings from her so why post here still out of curiosity?

 

The poster's question was:

 

How do MOM and MOW's handle the end of an affair.

 

I am answering that question. I am very annoyed and angry at the OW because she pulled a bait and switch. I am not sad it is over. I am relieved.

 

Personally, based on many MOMs I talk to it is a common complaint the the OW tends to want more than an affair, no matter what they say.

 

To that end some OW's will tell the wife, taunt the wife, harass the wife, etc.

 

Although some MOM's might miss their affair partner. The MOMs rarely taunt the husband, harass or stalk him.

 

So, To answer the question of how I handle the end of the affair, I will again say I am totally irrevocably relieved that the OW showed her true colors. It has totally erased any fond memories of the affair I may have tried to harbor.

 

Why does me answering this question honestly upset you?

[Liam1]

So, I guess, both my xMM and I came out of it more aware of ourselves.

It's just that he got to regain and rekindle with what he already had, but

I got to lose what I thought I had, but never really did.

 

Well, that is amazingly insightful.

 

Isn't this a good thing? You should be happy. Now you know that you are unhappily married and can pursue divorce without regret.

 

I feel as does your ex MOM. I feel as if I really appreciate what I had in front of me all along.