duncsvoice Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Hey gang, just reaching out for a bit of support! Long story short, I moved about 5 hours away after meeting my ex. We spent two years together, and were due to marry this Christmas. The relationship was wonderful, although she suffered from quite bad mental health issues that took the focus away, but I always stood by her. Around Christmas last year, we had some problems but the 'fog' of relationship meant neither of us really acted on them, and about a month ago she moved out. So, I've generally been ok. I was to go straight in to no contact, and was doing ok with it. She kept trying to get in contact, and was angry when I didn't respond. Eventually it wore me down, I was still completely in love with her, and she was going through crisis with her mental health issues and it resulted in her spending the night, which was quite wonderful, but a very bad idea. She admitted she still loved me, but was confused and needed to deal with her mental health (she had depression, was sexually abused, a victim of domestic violence...) before she could really open herself up to me again. I agreed, and we were just to not talk anymore, I explained it makes it difficult for me if she keeps coming to me for support. I still love her, but I can't be that guy for her anymore. She admitted she thinks she wanted to move back in, but wouldn't be a good idea. A couple of days later, she texts me for emotional support, and I think at that point I went in to a bit of a nervous breakdown, and I'm still going through it. I wrote her a bit of an angry letter, but finished off saying I still loved her and wanted her home with me and the cats (VERY BAD IDEA I KNOW). Then on Saturday night, I was having an extreme bout of loneliness (I live in our flat, in her home city, so her memories are everywhere) and I turned up at her door late at night to talk to her about moving back home (AN EVEN WORSE IDEA). I realise now that I think I am going through a nervous breakdown which drove my actions. I feel deeply depressed, I can't sleep through, I haven't eaten in a couple of days, I feel panicky, agitated, hopeless...the whole shebang. She text last night asking if she left a bag at the flat (a bag!? like seriously, is a bag that important when a lot of her stuff is still there?) and I was just very blunt, told her when she can come get it. The point is, I know I need to be away from her. To break my addiction to her. I spent two years nursing her and looking after her and left myself completely unchecked. I don't want to see her, but my God, I miss her like nothing else. I live away from my family in her town, so everything I see just reminds me of her. I'm seeing a Doctor this week, but I'm just so confused. She still loves me, and needs time to heal, same for me. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I feel like I'm having a panic attack just writing this. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Get some boxes. Pack up all her stuff. Rearrange the furniture to the way you like it. Then take her stuff round to where she is living say good bye and do not break no contact again. Go join some clubs, get involved in sports, meet up groups etc. Do not accept contact from her again. 3
Satu Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 You have to detach from her if you want to move forward in your life. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. 2
Author duncsvoice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Thanks all, pretty much said what I suspected. She wants to come up on Wednesday to pick up a few small things (she inexplicably has a key). I'll throw everything of hers in a box tonight so she's in for a shock when she gets there. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Thanks all, pretty much said what I suspected. She wants to come up on Wednesday to pick up a few small things (she inexplicably has a key). I'll throw everything of hers in a box tonight so she's in for a shock when she gets there. Get the key back. If she doesn't give it back change the locks. Drop her stuff round before Wednesday. F. it why torture yourself for a few extra days. Just get it done. 3
Author duncsvoice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 I would do, she's moved and I don't know where. I'm out Wednesday night meeting new people, so I think I'm relishing the idea of her loading up her car on her own. 1
mightycpa Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I am constantly amazed by what I read here on loveshack. I mean, if you were on any of the various dating sites and you read a profile that said: I suffer from quite bad mental health issues that stem from a history that includes depression, sexual abuse, domestic violence...would you actually go out with that person? A big part of solving your romance issues are telling yourself the truth and seeing things as they are. I can only imagine, but isn't something like that a dating disqualifier if you knew from the outset? If so, isn't it still one if you don't find out until later, or if not then, whenever it causes problems in the relationship? I never cease to be shocked by how many people are willing to overlook this, and then when they end up here, all this stuff always gets mentioned as contributing to the downfall of the relationship. I think there's a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. 3
Author duncsvoice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 I am constantly amazed by what I read here on loveshack. I mean, if you were on any of the various dating sites and you read a profile that said: would you actually go out with that person? A big part of solving your romance issues are telling yourself the truth and seeing things as they are. I can only imagine, but isn't something like that a dating disqualifier if you knew from the outset? If so, isn't it still one if you don't find out until later, or if not then, whenever it causes problems in the relationship? I never cease to be shocked by how many people are willing to overlook this, and then when they end up here, all this stuff always gets mentioned as contributing to the downfall of the relationship. I think there's a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. Well yes I agree, but I think that's simplifying it hugely. For example, I didn't find out the extent until about 6 months in - I was deeply in love and cared for her, and by that point I wanted to help so rather than bolting at the first time it got a little difficult.
Toodaloo Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I would do, she's moved and I don't know where. I'm out Wednesday night meeting new people, so I think I'm relishing the idea of her loading up her car on her own. Oh that makes it even more simple then. 1. Pack up her stuff. 2. Change the locks. 3. On Wednesday put the box of her stuff outside the door, with a note telling her to make sure her mail is forwarded to her new address as you will start throwing any received away and go have fun with your mates. Sounds like a plan to me! Changing the locks is an important one here. Do not forget to do that or she can come and go into your space as she pleases... Do not give her that. Change them.
mightycpa Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Well yes I agree, but I think that's simplifying it hugely. For example, I didn't find out the extent until about 6 months in - I was deeply in love and cared for her, and by that point I wanted to help so rather than bolting at the first time it got a little difficult. I do understand what you're saying, but that's where the illusion kicks in, right? When you find out, what you've really found out is that she is not who you think she is. If you're in love, you think she's perfect. When you find out, you have prima facie evidence that she's not. The question at that point is not whether or not you wish to help, although I'm not sure how you can, other than to encourage the person to see the psych people or take their meds. The question is whether you will abandon your illusion in the face of reality, or confront the hard realities and likely the hard choices that face you. I understand it is difficult to do, but I'm willing to bet that the issue is avoided, and then, when the **** hits the fan later on down the road, it's even worse. I also understand that you're long past that point... but maybe this can serve as a caution to others.
Author duncsvoice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 I do understand what you're saying, but that's where the illusion kicks in, right? When you find out, what you've really found out is that she is not who you think she is. If you're in love, you think she's perfect. When you find out, you have prima facie evidence that she's not. The question at that point is not whether or not you wish to help, although I'm not sure how you can, other than to encourage the person to see the psych people or take their meds. The question is whether you will abandon your illusion in the face of reality, or confront the hard realities and likely the hard choices that face you. I understand it is difficult to do, but I'm willing to bet that the issue is avoided, and then, when the **** hits the fan later on down the road, it's even worse. I also understand that you're long past that point... but maybe this can serve as a caution to others. Oh completely, I totally agree with you. If I'd had known going in, I would have steered well clear. But by the time it first appeared, by that I mean the mental health stuff, I was too far involved to think of anything else other than helping. Walking away just didn't cross my mind, and for a long time we managed to make it better. But alas, it's all part of the learning process. I'll be more cautious, be able to read the signs from earlier on, rather than think rather foolishly that love conquers all, when in reality it doesn't.
Toodaloo Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Be aware she may load up some things you don't want her taking... I'd change the locks now and have her box of stuff by the front door and her unable to enter your personal space. Besides, it sends her a clear message that you are done. Exactly. You need to nip this one in the bud and get tough!
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