Broken heart. Am I being used?

[theklonclu]

Hi Guys,

 

Need your advise please. I'm in a heartbroken state and really confused about what the heck happened.

 

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and the point:

 

- Met this chick almost 2 months ago through a common friend. She was this hot young, tattooed chick who always wanted to wear short shorts when we went out, so that she could flaunt the big tattoo on her thigh.

- We immediately click, she asked for my number, we started chatting. She was just visiting the city I live in but the next day i.e. Sunday we started chatting got into a the 'mad love' phase, she decided to fly back and stay with me.

- I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship around 9 months ago

- She moved in, made her self at home, started painting my walls, she was the creative type

- We spoke over and over about how I was 30, and she was 22 and that we were in different stages of our life. I was looking to settle down, while she was the party hard every day girl.

- She only had one girl as a friend, rest were all "guys", who commented with kisses on her instagram feed and facebook. Loads of them messaging her in the middle of the night etc.

- She comes from broken family with her Dad who physically abused her mother and whored around.

- She grew up most of her teen years without a father figure.

- She used to use a lot and smoked about 10-12 J's a day.

- It all slowly came down and she was becoming this nice, warm hearted person at home, cooking for me, doing the chores for me when I came back from home. Told her she didn't need to do all those things, but she insisted as she loved me.

- We have our first fight about some guys msging her randomly where she revolts back saying 'don't tell me how to live my life and I'm acting life her father and "mistreating" her like he used to do to her mother.

- That evening I go out for some work, come back home she's packed and gone.

- I'm devastated and shocked about what happened? I've been in relationships and fights and I know you talk it out and deal with it, you don't just run away.

- She goes to a friends place in the city i live, uses and gets drunk to apparently get over me

- Contacts me two days later when I try to make peace and after speaking to her mother, she finally decides to come back home

- Alls good for another 2-3 weeks until last week, where she's ill and the doc asks her to stop smoking due to chest congestion.

- I come home to find her having smoked 5 cigs, so I get upset and go to sleep, without eating the food she had cooked.

- She sleeps the night on the couch, on her own choice, lets me sleep in the bedroom.

- Next day morning just as I'm leaving for work, she asks me if I'm going to continue this silent treatment, and I ask what do you wana talk about? Don't get a reply so I leave.

- I call her from work, trying to patch things up and move on, she sounds cold, says we'll talk in the evening.

- I come home to find the card she had made for me on Valentines day burnt half and stuck to the refrigerator and the SIM card I got her cut into tiny pieces and all her stuff gone.

- Call her, she says she at the airport and can't take this anymore.

- I call her mom to check what the heck just happened, and her mom says let her come home, I'll speak to her understand what she wants to do.

- She doesn't go home and is in some other city, posting pics on instagram from some hotel room, the usual provocative selfie to get all the attention from her followers.

- She blocks me on everything and then unblocks me two days later and starts to initiate conversation, puts all the blame on me saying she's young she likes to socialize and I'm an old fruit (because I have a job and get tired on a week day)

- Says she was not able to be herself the last two months with me, ironically she once said she's able to be herself with me here in the city with me in my home and is so happy with me.

- I ask her where she got this pics taken from, the latest ones on Instagram, says I shouldn't ask her such questions. I tell her as her BF, I do have the right to know where you are, I'm not stopping you from doing anything though, she just cold shouders me and blocks me again.

- She used to work as a airline hostess and a part time model.

- She's told me lots of stories of how the casting couch process worked and how many people tried to bed her

- Even her Mom apparently told her that it's OK to do so, if it gets the work done. But she said she would never do it.

- She mentioned about some movie star guy in this big city, where was in these last few days, who was crazy about her. This guy is apparently super rich. She could have gone and met him or some ****, these are just my assumptions btw.

- My friends who saw her with me, and were introduced to her kept on telling me she gives out this very slutty vibe and the need to show skin whenever possible.

- They also told me that she's not the one for me mentally and intellectually, especially after the two ways she's just run away over nothing, gone and used and not bothered even once to apologize for any of it.

 

So my fellow human beings, please help me in giving your third party neutral perspective about what is going on? Have any of you dealt with something like this? I still love her and care for her but I don't think it's fair anymore, she excepts me to get a reply if and when she has time or not ask her about her whereabouts, let her party and drink and smoke as much as she wants. What's shocking is the girl she was when we met, all full of love and passion and care for me, and she's gone to this polar opposite behavior. Her mom who I spoke to a few times on the phone doesn't seem bothered or concerned.

 

Hoping to get some help to heal this broken heart.

 

Cheers!

[basil67]

I started to read it through but all the bullet points made it a bit difficult so I skim read to the end where you commented about how she's the polar opposite of when you first met her.

 

Thing is, you've known her for less than two months. With the exception of her being on a new relationship high for the first few weeks, this is who she is. She's probably been this 'polar opposite' for the best part of these weeks you've had with her. And truly we're talking only, what, 7 weeks together? Dude, this is who she is.

 

You fell in love with a dream - but the reality is that she was a nutcase.

 

Other than you learning to slow things down and not fall in love with a person you barely know, the only other advice I would give you is to learn to back off a bit with the control. As much as she was a nutcase, you were trying to change her and that's never going to go down well. She showed you who she is - an overtly flirty girl who loves a drink and a smoke. While many may not agree with her life choices, they are still her choices to make. You don't have the right to try and make her into something she's not. When you're in a relationship, you take a person for who they are or you don't take them at all. And don't ever give someone the silent treatment - that's just so uncool.

[duncsvoice]

I feel for you mate, I've been through something similar.

 

My ex had A LOT of childhood issues, sexual abuse, domestic violence, Dad leaving. We got together two years ago, fell in love, but there were A LOT of erratic behaviours - all resulting with her wanting to run away.

 

Straight from the beginning she displayed these behaviours, and like you I was in love with her and fought, and fought and fought for her. She wanted to run away, she was scared of companionship and commitment, but loved me also.

 

When she got hurt, she would run, and that's what she has done at the moment. She moved away a month ago to heal, but will keep coming back to me for support. It hurts, I miss her, but the emotional toll it's taken on me has become clear this weekend.

 

It's going to hurt, try and move on, this relationship will be unhealthy until she seeks help.

[theklonclu]

Thanks! But what control were you referring to? I actually never asked her to change anything per say, what caught me off guard was she portrayed herself to be someone and then all of a sudden acted differently, so in that context I may have asked her to consider not doing something, I never intended to control her. Am I missing something? I mean I was upset about she sm

[theklonclu]

I started to read it through but all the bullet points made it a bit difficult so I skim read to the end where you commented about how she's the polar opposite of when you first met her.

 

Thing is, you've known her for less than two months. With the exception of her being on a new relationship high for the first few weeks, this is who she is. She's probably been this 'polar opposite' for the best part of these weeks you've had with her. And truly we're talking only, what, 7 weeks together? Dude, this is who she is.

 

You fell in love with a dream - but the reality is that she was a nutcase.

 

Other than you learning to slow things down and not fall in love with a person you barely know, the only other advice I would give you is to learn to back off a bit with the control. As much as she was a nutcase, you were trying to change her and that's never going to go down well. She showed you who she is - an overtly flirty girl who loves a drink and a smoke. While many may not agree with her life choices, they are still her choices to make. You don't have the right to try and make her into something she's not. When you're in a relationship, you take a person for who they are or you don't take them at all. And don't ever give someone the silent treatment - that's just so uncool.

 

Thanks! But what control were you referring to? I actually never asked her to change anything per say, what caught me off guard was she portrayed herself to be someone and then all of a sudden acted differently, so in that context I may have asked her to consider not doing something, I never intended to control her. Am I missing something? I mean I was upset about she sm

[theklonclu]

I feel for you mate, I've been through something similar.

 

My ex had A LOT of childhood issues, sexual abuse, domestic violence, Dad leaving. We got together two years ago, fell in love, but there were A LOT of erratic behaviours - all resulting with her wanting to run away.

 

Straight from the beginning she displayed these behaviours, and like you I was in love with her and fought, and fought and fought for her. She wanted to run away, she was scared of companionship and commitment, but loved me also.

 

When she got hurt, she would run, and that's what she has done at the moment. She moved away a month ago to heal, but will keep coming back to me for support. It hurts, I miss her, but the emotional toll it's taken on me has become clear this weekend.

 

It's going to hurt, try and move on, this relationship will be unhealthy until she seeks help.

 

Thanks brother and sorry to hear about your situation as well. I see where you're coming from and I see the same pattern here as well. She's come back previously and this time as well but in a very cold shouldering manner, never admitting that she needs help or anything from me.

[elaine567]

You tried to make a mumsy home-maker out of "She was this hot young, tattooed chick who always wanted to wear short shorts when we went out, so that she could flaunt the big tattoo on her thigh." - what were you thinking?

 

She played your cosy game for a while but she is 22 not 42, she was bored, she rebelled and became the young, reckless, hot, exhibitionist, party chick she probably always was.

NOT a big surprise.

 

Different life stages.

You at 30, happy to settle down.

She at 22 has still got a lot of wild things still to do

= Incompatible.

[Meli22]

Wow I didn’t even read the full story, but most of your points. She actually sounds toxic and not in any fit mindset to be able to handle a proper relationship. I’m not surprised that you’re so confused and blindsided because it seems this craziness just came from nowhere, and over a stupid argument that could have been easily resolved.

 

I’m in a similar boat in that I met someone a few months ago who pursued me very hard, introduced me to the whole family, wanted us to be official when I wanted to slow things down a little. Everything was perfect we clicked instantly, we were on the same page, he was initiating trips etc, no arguments or disagreements. And then BAM – almost overnight he doesn’t want a relationship anymore. It’s just crazy and I’m sure you can relate by struggling to wrap your head around the sudden change.

 

It’s probably best to keep your distance from this one. She sounds pretty unstable and could be the type to make your life a living hell if you guys were to remain an item. I can imagine her to over complicate things and pack her bags after every single argument, big or small. You don’t need that drama. You sound pretty level headed and know what you want from life, whereas she sounds like she has a few issues that need resolving before she can fully commit to anyone.

[elaine567]

- We spoke over and over about how I was 30, and she was 22 and that we were in different stages of our life. I was looking to settle down, while she was the party hard every day girl.

 

Just read this

YOU knew all this, the red flags were waving, yet you continued on and on.

 

Why? Is what you have to ask yourself?

[theklonclu]

Just read this

YOU knew all this, the red flags were waving, yet you continued on and on.

 

Why? Is what you have to ask yourself?

 

I guess I'm just a sucker for the romance I guess. For some unexplainable reason, I'm wired to hope and believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is a an opening, but at times it turns out to be a train I guess. That's what happened here too.

[theklonclu]

Wow I didn’t even read the full story, but most of your points. She actually sounds toxic and not in any fit mindset to be able to handle a proper relationship. I’m not surprised that you’re so confused and blindsided because it seems this craziness just came from nowhere, and over a stupid argument that could have been easily resolved.

 

I’m in a similar boat in that I met someone a few months ago who pursued me very hard, introduced me to the whole family, wanted us to be official when I wanted to slow things down a little. Everything was perfect we clicked instantly, we were on the same page, he was initiating trips etc, no arguments or disagreements. And then BAM – almost overnight he doesn’t want a relationship anymore. It’s just crazy and I’m sure you can relate by struggling to wrap your head around the sudden change.

 

It’s probably best to keep your distance from this one. She sounds pretty unstable and could be the type to make your life a living hell if you guys were to remain an item. I can imagine her to over complicate things and pack her bags after every single argument, big or small. You don’t need that drama. You sound pretty level headed and know what you want from life, whereas she sounds like she has a few issues that need resolving before she can fully commit to anyone.

 

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. Yes, blindsided is exactly the word I'd go for too. It's like you start believing in someone to be something and all of a sudden, they go to the extent of blocking you all over, packing the bags and running away and just not caring at all. A part that I missed out earlier, amongst a lot many, was that yesterday while riding my motorcycle I had a minor accident, which when I told her over the last chat we had, she just didn't even acknowledge it. I mean someone who so wildly loved you, turned around and flew back to stay with me for over 2 months, could do that and not care, is what shocks me. I do realize there's no future in this, quite evident from the recent behavior and incident, but I still care for her, because I understand that who she has become with this erratic behavior was not her choice, she's done all that as a defence mechanism to cope with her family issues, so I know I can't take those personally, but you still can't stop caring for that someone. That is the battle I need to fight now.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I sincerely hope you overcome the problems you're facing. All I can tell you, which I've been saying to myself is also, is that through all this you'll come out stronger, wiser and a better human being. Just hold your ground and let this pass.

[theklonclu]

I started to read it through but all the bullet points made it a bit difficult so I skim read to the end where you commented about how she's the polar opposite of when you first met her.

 

Thing is, you've known her for less than two months. With the exception of her being on a new relationship high for the first few weeks, this is who she is. She's probably been this 'polar opposite' for the best part of these weeks you've had with her. And truly we're talking only, what, 7 weeks together? Dude, this is who she is.

 

You fell in love with a dream - but the reality is that she was a nutcase.

 

Other than you learning to slow things down and not fall in love with a person you barely know, the only other advice I would give you is to learn to back off a bit with the control. As much as she was a nutcase, you were trying to change her and that's never going to go down well. She showed you who she is - an overtly flirty girl who loves a drink and a smoke. While many may not agree with her life choices, they are still her choices to make. You don't have the right to try and make her into something she's not. When you're in a relationship, you take a person for who they are or you don't take them at all. And don't ever give someone the silent treatment - that's just so uncool.

 

Slight correction: She wasn't a girl who liked A drink and A smoke, she was someone who needed 10-12 joints a day and 6-8 drinks. I'm not someone who was just born yesterday either, I've been there done this, but her behavior seems to be closer to a coping mechanism, I'm not an expert at this though.

[theklonclu]

You tried to make a mumsy home-maker out of "She was this hot young, tattooed chick who always wanted to wear short shorts when we went out, so that she could flaunt the big tattoo on her thigh." - what were you thinking?

 

She played your cosy game for a while but she is 22 not 42, she was bored, she rebelled and became the young, reckless, hot, exhibitionist, party chick she probably always was.

NOT a big surprise.

 

Different life stages.

You at 30, happy to settle down.

She at 22 has still got a lot of wild things still to do

= Incompatible.

 

Thanks for your advise. I would like to add though that I never tried to make her a mumsy-home-maker, she chose to do all those on her own. I never asked her to cook for me, do the chores, I love doing my stuff and I have always taken care of myself, but it felt good when she on her own accord wanted to.

[elaine567]

Thanks for your advise. I would like to add though that I never tried to make her a mumsy-home-maker, she chose to do all those on her own. I never asked her to cook for me, do the chores, I love doing my stuff and I have always taken care of myself, but it felt good when she on her own accord wanted to.

 

Yes, I can see you loved it when she slotted into that role. She I guess followed your lead, you were looking to settle down, and she wanted to please you, but she didn't end up pleasing herself, so she couldn't do it long term.

[duncsvoice]

Thanks brother and sorry to hear about your situation as well. I see where you're coming from and I see the same pattern here as well. She's come back previously and this time as well but in a very cold shouldering manner, never admitting that she needs help or anything from me.

 

Yep, exactly the same. We're about the same age (29 & 31) so not hugely similar, but the actions and behaviours are. From my experience, and from conversations with my ex the cold shouldering is not to be mean or directed at you, it is a defense mechanism. They feel hurt, up goes this emotional 'wall'.

 

For example, my ex moved out, we both hurt but where as I didn't have too many issues, she had a lifetime of them. She came over, very cold, very hurtful. After a couple of weeks, her wall came down, she admitted she still wanted me, needed me etc. The problem was an external thing going on outside of the relationship that kept her wall up and she couldn't keep it down long enough to to feel ok in a relationship.

 

It's understandable. You're probably like me. I fell for my ex, hard. I ignored all the warning signs because I thought I could fix them. Turns out I couldn't, and I'm paying the price two years later. You're lucky this has happened now.

[basil67]

Slight correction: She wasn't a girl who liked A drink and A smoke, she was someone who needed 10-12 joints a day and 6-8 drinks. I'm not someone who was just born yesterday either, I've been there done this, but her behavior seems to be closer to a coping mechanism, I'm not an expert at this though.

 

Sorry, that was me being an understated Aussie. When you say it like it is, the fact that the OP stayed makes it even more ludicrous.

[basil67]

Thanks! But what control were you referring to? I actually never asked her to change anything per say, what caught me off guard was she portrayed herself to be someone and then all of a sudden acted differently, so in that context I may have asked her to consider not doing something, I never intended to control her. Am I missing something? I mean I was upset about she sm

 

The control would be you wanting her to tell you where she was even though she didn't want to. It's getting upset about her social media use with other men. The silent treatment and getting mad because she smoked. I'm guessing you also expressed your disapproval of other things she did too.

 

While your expectations are perfectly reasonable, she didn't want to have those expectations placed on her - as evidenced by her leaving you the first time and telling you that you were acting like her father.

 

When dating, DON'T put reigns on a person and try to get them to behave how you like. Instead, look for a person who doesn't need reigns and who already behaves like a reasonable partner.

[basil67]

I guess I'm just a sucker for the romance I guess. For some unexplainable reason, I'm wired to hope and believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is a an opening, but at times it turns out to be a train I guess. That's what happened here too.

 

Just wondering....what light were you seeing? Because that list of problems you gave should have blanked out any light.

 

You mentioned about being blindsided. When a relationship has as many problems as you mentioned, you should be *expecting* a breakup - not blindsided when it comes.

 

You are not the bad guy here. But you have been so very naive staying with a girl who's behaviour went against so many reasonable morals and ethics.

 

Lastly, it's not Love this early on. It's infatuation - or limerance - which is very easy to confuse with love. Read a few posts from writers here who see red flags when someone declares love this early on - it's just not realistic.

[mightycpa]

What happened? It's pretty ****ing simple, really.

You got caught like a bug in an emotional spiderweb for a free-spirited 22 year old hippie chick AND you forgot RULE NUMBER ONE from the code of free-spirited hippies:

 

1) Nobody tells me what to do, not even me.

 

They come and go when they please. They are like tumbleweeds, waiting for the next wind to blow and send them on their way. This girl was much better suited to you putting her on your GIRLS TO BANG list, rather than your GIRLS TO FALL IN LOVE WITH list.

 

You need to stop trying to UNDERSTAND what happened, and get busy trying to ACCEPT what happened.

[theklonclu]

Just wondering....what light were you seeing? Because that list of problems you gave should have blanked out any light.

 

You mentioned about being blindsided. When a relationship has as many problems as you mentioned, you should be *expecting* a breakup - not blindsided when it comes.

 

You are not the bad guy here. But you have been so very naive staying with a girl who's behaviour went against so many reasonable morals and ethics.

 

Lastly, it's not Love this early on. It's infatuation - or limerance - which is very easy to confuse with love. Read a few posts from writers here who see red flags when someone declares love this early on - it's just not realistic.

 

Yeah I guess you're right. Thank you again for your advice and taking time out to share your thoughts, much appreciated.

[theklonclu]

So a quick update to this story, I sent her a long very well drafted email about my concerns and thoughts and how I felt she's using a few of the things she's doing as coping mechanism and that I'm not mad at her for it and if she thinks this is not for her, she should say so. I did this hoping for a proper closure and then she replies back saying "I need time" that's it.

 

So I sent a few follow-up emails saying Ok, I understand and if we could have a quick phone call one of these evenings as I really missed her voice and just wanted to say Hi and break the ice a bit. She's again gone radio silent and hasn't bothered replying to any of my emails post that.

 

I was in a much better state of mind yesterday and I was going for a closure and now again I feel like I'm being dangled and now I'm feeling anxious at work and can't focus on things I need to. Arrrggghhhhhh!