Fresh start tomorrow [UPDATE]

[Emaize3]

Me too Sorano. Hang tough- remember, you're not alone today. I feel ya

[sorano]

3 or 4 months have past since my ex dumped me. Made a few threads, got some advice, gave some advice and I really did start to improve and do better for myself.

 

Been going out with friends, talked to many women, went out on dates and was having a blast. I was a little upset during Easter bc we were supposed to be together with our families. But I Shook that off quick.

 

Two weeks ago I took a girl on a date. Had a lot in common. It was our third date btw. I took her to this cafe that I like and it was one of the spots I took my ex who dumped me to on our second date. Bad move on my part. I went because I really felt I was over my ex. I am but not at the same time. I wasn't comparing the girls who I was talking to and going out with to my ex. I met some really gorgeous women lately. But now that I am more picky, I told her I didn't want to date anymore. Three dates I just wasn't feeling.

 

Now today, I was just feeling angry. Again. No idea how I can be doing so well than just relapse hard. I was thinking about that last date. I started crying tonight bc the person in front of me wasn't her. Anger and sadness all into one. I'm shocked and disappointed at myself.

 

Even though I practice no contact, hate her guts, and don't care what she is doing, my mind once again just replayed the good times I had with her and just broke down. Yes I broke down today.

 

I said a prayer tonight. I cried tonight. I am trying to be strong and trying to take my own advice I give to people.

 

Tomorrow is Monday. New day. Work starts up again which will help. Going to wear my rosary beads tomorrow which also helps. Hey, whatever works right? Gym and more gym. Sorry for the rant. I really had to let it out.

[Raina314]

You may be over her in the sense that you don't want her back, but as you realized, sometimes it takes a bit longer for your heart to be open to something new. The healing process is painful and exhausting, and afterwards you often just need to rest for a while instead of jumping in to something new.

 

I know it's frustrating. You were perfectly open and ready for a relationship before your ex, and it doesn't seem right that suddenly now you're not, because of someone else, no less. But regardless, I think the healthiest thing after a big heartbreak is a nice long (metaphorical) nap. Your anger at your ex is still stronger than whatever feelings you may begin to develop for someone else right now. Its better to wait till it's much, much weaker. I've been feeling better about my ex too, but I'm not letting myself date again until I'm at least 2 months relapse-free. Its justcsafer.

[kztar]

Hey Sorano,

 

Im glad to hear that you've been dating, i've been doing the same. I think that yeah you made a bad move taking this girl somewhere you went with the ex but it's part of the process. Pick yourself up and brush it off. From what I hear this is how this stuff works, one step forward and two steps back and then two step forward and one back, yet slowly making progress.

 

I have been doing "fine" but had a minor setback. Well my ex already has a new girlfriend and it's official and everything. I was furious and sent him a text telling him off. Honestly I don't care about this relationship he is having but what bothers me is that im certain that this person was in the picture when I was in the picture. That BUGS me because I am not an idiot and I asked him.

 

Anyways keep pushing forward. Im pretty sure you've made alot of progress.

[kztar]

You may be over her in the sense that you don't want her back, but as you realized, sometimes it takes a bit longer for your heart to be open to something new. The healing process is painful and exhausting, and afterwards you often just need to rest for a while instead of jumping in to something new.

 

I know it's frustrating. You were perfectly open and ready for a relationship before your ex, and it doesn't seem right that suddenly now you're not, because of someone else, no less. But regardless, I think the healthiest thing after a big heartbreak is a nice long (metaphorical) nap. Your anger at your ex is still stronger than whatever feelings you may begin to develop for someone else right now. Its better to wait till it's much, much weaker. I've been feeling better about my ex too, but I'm not letting myself date again until I'm at least 2 months relapse-free. Its justcsafer.

 

I agree with Raina as well. I think we have reached acceptance where we no longer think of that second chance and even if it presented itself, we wouldnt take it. But the grieving is a little longer.

[sorano]

Yea im trying to push forward. I was supposed to go out again tonight with my friend but I cancelled. I just can't do it. Feel a little depressed. I just have to let time do its thing. It comes in waves. I can already sense that this weekend will be tough.

 

It will also get harder as the weather gets nicer. sounds weird but I just feel more depressed as its getting nicer. should be the opposite.

 

I just keep thinking back on what she promised me and said. For some reason it plays back in my mind. I was doing so well. Now I just relapsed. I just feel deep down inside that I never got a chance. It was taken away from me too soon.

[Raina314]

It definitely comes in waves, yeah. I know it's really disheartening. You think you're over it and then it comes back out of seemingly nowhere to bite you. Happens to me all the time. I always think of the very beginning when we talked about how much we wanted it to work. But what helps a little bit is actually keeping it in my mind even when I am having a good day. Not like, obsessing over it, but just tucked away somewhere so that I stay aware that I'm not completely through it all yet. That way when I do get sad it doesn't come as such a nasty shock. It helps keep me more even and less up and down.

 

Don't know if that works for everyone though. In any case, don't feel too bad. This happens to everyone and you're definitely still at the point where it's totally normal.

[Emaize3]

Same here. Thought I was healed and then I actually had a cry over the loss of him. Just miss him. So crazy how it comes in waves.

[bluefeather]

I'm also 34. For me, being 20 and falling in love and 30? two different things. cant compare.

 

Hey there, your close-mindedness is showing. With the advice Murek had been giving you, you should have been able to pick up that he doesn't think like the average person in his 20s.

 

Here's something you might try chewing on: Hurt people hurt people. The first word is an adjective, but it is repeated as a verb. You stated earlier how she was abused. It is not surprising that she would do something similar to you. Hurt people hurt people and only the strong and loving can break such a cycle. Be strong, but also be loving. Do not condemn. Do not damn. Bless her and walk away. And I am certain you have already heard that, but maybe you have an unconscious desire to hear it again.

 

From your previous words, it is obvious to me that you can be a caring man. Maybe this person has truly shown you that. Now be that caring man for someone who deserves it, for the one who deserves it is out there waiting for you.

[sorano]

I was just like Murek in my twenties as well. I understand. I know. I grew up and was mature than all my friends my age. It's not being close minded. It's what I experienced in my life. Now on my thirties it's different than my twenties even though I was mature back then. For a man, once you hit that age, you change.

 

No, I will not bless her. I do not wish her well but at the same time I don't want anything bad happen to her. Physically.

 

I was too nice and caring for her. Everyone told me she will be in for a challenge to find a guy like me. There is more to this story and her personality.

 

She is the type that is never happy. Never ever content. Not just with relationships but everything. She even told me she wanted to put in her graduation quote "never happy" as her middle name.

 

You need a huge set of you know what I mean to handle this women. She has issues. What I did for this woman, nobody else would have done. That's my nature. At the end, I got the shaft. No more. This will take time.

Edited April 17, 2016 by sorano

[sorano]

Raina, emaize and I are going through the same thing and we have an understanding with each other. Thanks for listening guys it means a lot

 

Tonight I'm staying home. I got some jazz and blues playing, having some nice Oregon craft beer and a nice cigar. Went to the gym today.

 

Tomorrow my mustang is coming out of the garage and I will spend the whole day detailing it and going to drive to jones beach and pick on some Ferrari guys and Lamborghini owners lol. Men. Hahaha

Edited April 17, 2016 by sorano

[bluefeather]

I was just like Murek in my twenties as well. I understand. I know.

 

lol... wow. ok. bye and good luck.

[sorano]

lol... wow. ok. bye and good luck.

 

Bye! Thank you !

[sorano]

I am disappointed in myself. I thought I had this under control. But I do not. Its been coming in waves. This past week has been bad. Almost like day one. Its almost like I am giving up and loosing this battle.

 

Thinking of seeing a therapist and try to get some answers. Just another tool I can add to getting better I guess. I wish I was able to flip a switch and forget it all. This was the first woman that really did a number on me. I truly did love her.

[Satu]

The more you add to your self-caring behaviours, the better.

 

I got a lot out of therapy, but I had to try a couple before I found a good fit.

 

When I found the right one I made good progress.

 

The other thing that helped me was journalling.

 

 

Take care.

[sorano]

I am doing a lot of writing. I am expressing it on paper. whatever it takes

[Elwood]

I know how you feel. I can't seem to get past my ex. She has moved on and I'm lost. I hope things get better for you.

[Heatemyheart89]

Therapy is helping me. I had tried face to face and CBT online. Now I am using online therapy. Therapy is worth a shot. It is so helpful for me right now.

[Rachel39]

Nothing wrong with any therapy doesn't make you weak.... I have been to the doctors and waiting on interpersonal therapy but will be waiting for 3 months for it.

 

It's good that you are acknowledging that you need some help with this and love and relationships are so painful when they end.

 

Iv been able to walk away from businesses, loss of money and income and never looked back never think. About it. Give me a relationship that breaks up and I'm in serious pain that is a massive loss to me.

[sorano]

I know how you feel. I can't seem to get past my ex. She has moved on and I'm lost. I hope things get better for you.

 

Thank you my friend. I hope it does for you too. Who broke it off? It's a terrible feeling. I have no idea how this came back. No clue. I'm just lost and sad. Depressed. As much as I don't wish her well and hate her for what she did, if she called me (will never happen) I would say yes let's get back together. Wild right?

 

I gave it my all man. Everything. I don't know if I can do that again for another person. I am not sure. I never went this hard and tried my all with any other woman. Then she just left bro. Made promises and broke them. She's gone.

 

What makes me angry is that, she became the person she said she would never be and said she was different than other women. She now became the same as her ex boyfriends that treated her like crap and hit her, and cheated and lied.

 

She moved on, did her damage, and I'm left with pain. She showed me wedding rings, where we were going to get married, my family treated her like our own, like a daughter. Everybody thought we were going to get married and said we looked so good together. It's all gone. I will never see her again.

[sorano]

Nothing wrong with any therapy doesn't make you weak.... I have been to the doctors and waiting on interpersonal therapy but will be waiting for 3 months for it.

 

It's good that you are acknowledging that you need some help with this and love and relationships are so painful when they end.

 

Iv been able to walk away from businesses, loss of money and income and never looked back never think. About it. Give me a relationship that breaks up and I'm in serious pain that is a massive loss to me.

 

I'm the same way. I have tough skin. I can forget and let go. Even in the past with other women, I just bounced back fast. Maybe I was younger and wasn't taking it serious? Or bc I didn't find the right one.

 

This time around, she stole my heart. The only woman that stole my heart. As Murek said, this was the greatest heist of 2015.

 

I told her she was beautiful everyday. I would run to her when she came over, give her a hug and kiss her. We would kiss for hrs and that spark was Intoxicating. I told her she was perfect. That I would do anything for her just so I can see her smile. I could stare into her eyes for days and get lost and not worry about anything. I loved her with every ounce of my heart. I can still feel her long black hair inbetween my fingers.

 

People say, you will love again.......you will make it. There is no such thing as the one. Maybe they are right. Will I get better? I guess. What I can tell you at this moment is, I cannot love anyone as much as I loved her. No man will ever love her as much as me. I don't know if she realizes that.

 

I hate her for what she did. I hate feeling betrayed and lied to. But there is nothing I can do. She wanted to leave. I can't force her to stay. She was on a time line she said. It was a whole fantasy I was told. Everything was all fake. How can it be all fake when you made sure 100000000000% I was good enough to be your boy friend! meet your parents and friends and family? You knew how bad you had it and were very cautious with me. Too cautious that I was bugging out thinking wow, this girl has issues and needs help. But yet, it was all fake. I meant nothing.

 

Well F**# you.......but yet........I still love you.

[Elwood]

Thank you my friend. I hope it does for you too. Who broke it off? It's a terrible feeling. I have no idea how this came back. No clue. I'm just lost and sad. Depressed. As much as I don't wish her well and hate her for what she did, if she called me (will never happen) I would say yes let's get back together. Wild right?

 

I gave it my all man. Everything. I don't know if I can do that again for another person. I am not sure. I never went this hard and tried my all with any other woman. QUOTE]

 

In my situation she broke it off. I feel the same, if she called and said let's get together I would do it. I was ready to move heaven and earth to be with her but in the end she just said she never loved me, regretted it and only did because she was vulnerable. That killed me. She said what we had was special but how can it be when, in her eyes, it was a mistake?

 

 

I understand the pain you feel. It hurts...bad. I don't feel I could trust someone again. I'm in therapy and it does help. It's worth a shot. We have to take back control some how and not let this destroy a future. Hang in there. One step at a time.

[sorano]

Thank you my friend. I hope it does for you too. Who broke it off? It's a terrible feeling. I have no idea how this came back. No clue. I'm just lost and sad. Depressed. As much as I don't wish her well and hate her for what she did, if she called me (will never happen) I would say yes let's get back together. Wild right?

 

I gave it my all man. Everything. I don't know if I can do that again for another person. I am not sure. I never went this hard and tried my all with any other woman. QUOTE]

 

In my situation she broke it off. I feel the same, if she called and said let's get together I would do it. I was ready to move heaven and earth to be with her but in the end she just said she never loved me, regretted it and only did because she was vulnerable. That killed me. She said what we had was special but how can it be when, in her eyes, it was a mistake?

 

 

I understand the pain you feel. It hurts...bad. I don't feel I could trust someone again. I'm in therapy and it does help. It's worth a shot. We have to take back control some how and not let this destroy a future. Hang in there. One step at a time.

 

same **** happened to me. I am trying very hard. I hope it will get better

[sorano]

Hey all. so yea, its been a roller coaster ride. Up and down. Emotions all over the place. It's not as easy as I thought it would be, coping with being dumped by the person you loved.

 

Today I baptized my nephew. It was a joyful day but at the same time, I was sad inside. I was sad because my girl friend was not there. I was there for her nieces baptism not to long ago. she told me it meant the world to her that I was there. Today, I stood alone and she wasn't with me. There was no dish for her, nor a glass of champagne to toast.

 

You miss your ex the most during these events because you loved them so much that you associate them as part of your family. I kept on smiling, but inside, my heart was in pain. Just when I start to do better, I just turn back and start to feel that sadness.

 

I know that time will heal. Everything passes and eventually we all die and all of this will mean nothing. But while we are here, we have to go down this painful road of recovery and hope all will be ok.

 

I really did love her. I will quote a line. The greatest heist of 2015....my heart. she stole my heart. But Now she left me. sorry for venting.

[sorano]

Hello all. It has not been easy. A few relapses, more crying, and just trying to figure stuff out. The crazy thing is, I am feeling better. Little by little, I am feeling free again and the pain is not that bad. I do believe time will heal. I see many threads about how and when and will I get better. The answer is yes. You will. It will take time and I am not completely done with healing. But doing much better. Here is what I wrote on another thread. It was me, writing a letter to her about how I feel at this time. Just wanted to share it here and make my own thread. And no, I didnt send her this actual letter. I keep NC.

 

some of you may agree or disagree on my thinking. But, these are my feelings and how I am coping and feeling.

 

"4 months have passed. This was very tough on me. I am doing a little better. I know you have moved on. You are happy. so now its time for me to be happy. I will not let this keep me down. Its not fair that you are doing fine and I am not.

 

We were supposed to do so many things this summer. Vacation to italy, go to beaches, and get to know each other even more. spend time with the family and being apart of our new nieces and nephews lives. But its gone.

 

Today I was thinking back at the times where you told me you wanted to be with me. I really thought I was important because of what you said. You had a bad past and you told me, you do not let men come in your life very easily. Yet, I was the man that did. I guess that was a huge lie. You lied to me, my family and to everyone around. You dragged me along thinking we would get married. The most disrespectful thing you did was not lying to me, but, to my mother. My brother trusted you with his new born baby. You are pathetic.

 

At first I wanted you back. I missed you. I said to myself, I cannot live without you. I still had visions of marriage and having a family just like you promised. But now that time has passed, I realize, you were poison. You have so many issues that you first need to workout. You really need therapy because I can tell that inside you are hurting from your past. You regret many things and you cannot make up your mind.

 

I will be lying to myself by saying, hey honey, I know it didnt work out so I wish you the best in life. I know that is the right thing to do. But I cannot. why? well, let me explain...

 

I gave you my heart, I let you in. I freakin let you in. I never gave up. I went above and beyond for you. I fell in love with you and would go to the moon and back for you. You made me believe that I was special. You told me you go through so much crap when you meet guys. so out of all the guys you met, I was the one that caught your eye, met your family and friends, and let me in. You cried to me and thanked me for coming into your life. I also thanked you and I told you time and time again, I am so lucky to have you in my life and love you very much. But you told me it was a fantasy, a dream and you finally woke up. You destroyed my life, you ripped my heart in two, and gave me unnecessary pain that I did not need.

 

In the end, I never felt that love I gave you. yes I got angry. But how can one not be? I tried and tried. I stayed with you because I loved you and did not want to give up. You told me you were falling in love with me, showed me wedding rings, and said I was your prince.

 

Enough is enough and I must move on. I must move on and let you go. I can no longer live my life in sadness and pain. I will not let you defeat me and bring me down anymore. I will no longer keep you on a pedestal and say to myself, wow, she was the best woman in world. You are not.

 

I will continue to pray. God will heal my broken heart and time will erase you. I do not need poison and evil in my life. I was raised different than you and yes, I am BETTER than you.

 

I do not wish you well, I do not wish you luck. I do not wish you peace. For what you did to me, my heart, my family, will never be forgotten and it was NOT ok. You do not treat people like a doll or play with there emotions. You had a good man behind you and a good future family to back you up. You let that go, now, as mean as it sounds, suffer. Maybe you will get married, have kids and have that big house you always wanted so you can entertain your friends, family. But at the end of the day, I will always know that you were fake, and as real as a three dollar bill.

 

There are many many fish in the pond. You know I am a avid carp angler. A german carp angler, max nollert, always says, " now go get the big one" That is his company slogan. You know what my saying is???

 

NOW GO FIND YOURSELF SOMEONE BETTER. That is my saying and that is what I will do. I will go find someone better."

Edited May 7, 2016 by sorano