ExtraSpice Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Lately I have had a temptation of contacting my ex. It is illogical and impulsive. I know it will hurt me and possibly put me in a situation that makes me look a little pathetic. I also know that contact will not change the outcome in any way. Yet my mind pretends as though contact will somehow make things better. Last night I very nearly sent an email. I reread the draft in the morning and it was sad. Made me wonder whether I am processing my emotions or just avoiding them. A combination of pride and logic has stopped me from initiating contact. She knows how to contact me and she hasn't and that should say enough. I think that is part of the reason I want to contact her. Because I want her to want me again. Though this breakup has been relatively better these temptations have been wearing me down a little and I wonder if it is just a phase because I would hate to give in. 2
smudge21 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Do not reach out, take it from someone who made that mistake in a big way. I had the worse response too, she was friendly and nice. Yeah, that sounds good, but all it does is give you this false hope, this feeling of joy and bliss, but then reality bites once again when you realise nothing has changed and you're still alone. It's like going through that break up all over again. I know how strong that temptation is, but you admit you want her to come to you, so how can she do that if you always go to her? Plus, you are projecting your own beliefs and morals on to her, thinking that if you are feeling like this and would react such a way, then so should she. That's not how people are. I was always brought up to believe that treating some right meant you would be treated in the same way, that's not the case, because others were not brought up the same way. We're all different and therefore whatever you're thinking, isn't what she's thinking. The hardest thing we have to get through is this period of no contact; many of us do it hoping the ex is going to come running back. We have dreams that they're sitting at home, crying over pictures of us, wishing they'd never walked out, reaching for the phone and begging to come back. That's not reality though. It's just our memories, our hopes and all those emotions making us think this is what is happening. Stick it out and stay strong - write down whatever you plan to send and then walk away from it for a week or so. As much as we want them in our lives, as much as we feel it's right, often they don't feel the same way, and nothing you do can change that. 2
Author ExtraSpice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Yeah as much as I want to reach out, there is no doubt in my mind that it is a bad idea. I know she will be friendly and nice and that is probably going to make things worse. As you said it will be false hope. I want her to reach out to me but at the same time I am glad that she doesn't. It forces me to move on. And I know reaching out will change nothing. She has her mind made up and I can't say anything to change that. And I wouldn't want to convince someone to be with me anyways, it doesn't sound like a good base for a relationship. Sort of gives me a hopeless feeling. Just a tough couple of days and it feels like I am fighting my own mind majority of the time. Like god, get on board mind we are trying to move on. 1
Satu Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 snip A combination of pride and logic has stopped me from initiating contact. She knows how to contact me and she hasn't and that should say enough. I think that is part of the reason I want to contact her. *Because I want her to want me again. Though this breakup has been relatively better these temptations have been wearing me down a little and I wonder if it is just a phase because I would hate to give in. *You can't make somebody want something they don't want. Keep writing emails, but don't send them. That can be a real help in processing your feelings. 1
smudge21 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Yeah as much as I want to reach out, there is no doubt in my mind that it is a bad idea. I know she will be friendly and nice and that is probably going to make things worse. As you said it will be false hope. I want her to reach out to me but at the same time I am glad that she doesn't. It forces me to move on. And I know reaching out will change nothing. She has her mind made up and I can't say anything to change that. And I wouldn't want to convince someone to be with me anyways, it doesn't sound like a good base for a relationship. Sort of gives me a hopeless feeling. Just a tough couple of days and it feels like I am fighting my own mind majority of the time. Like god, get on board mind we are trying to move on. Even though I'm not coming off of a relationship, I still am totally with you with all that desire to get in touch. It's so messed up as you know it won't change anything, but yet you want to it. As you say aswell, would you want to be with someone who you've had to beg to? Surely it's better to be with someone, invest our lives in someone, who actually wants us from the start. Your mind will often play tricks on you - try to convince you to reach out, make you believe that if you do it one more time or send her that awesome well written letter, that then, finally, she will come running back to you. It's all rubbish. Hollywood has lied in all those types of films. The most honest part of this is that if someone wanted to be with someone, they would be. They wouldn't walk away, they wouldn't risk something they want. As tough as it is to stay away, you know it has to be done. 1
CDJ Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 A combination of pride and logic has stopped me from initiating contact. That is a great combination to have! It will stop you making things worse for yourself. My lack of pride meant that I lost face and just embarrassed myself. My lack of logic meant that I persisted with my attempts even though it was only hurting myself. The fact that you can come on here and talk about/recognise your temptation to break NC shows, I think, that you're actually in control and doing well. It's good to have that self-awareness. 3
Author ExtraSpice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 snip *You can't make somebody want something they don't want. Keep writing emails, but don't send them. That can be a real help in processing your feelings. Yes unfortunately I am very aware of that truth. And that is sometimes hard to come to terms with. Knowing that it is out of your hands. But again maybe it is good because you know there is nothing you can do, so might as well not bother with it. Only if I can fully adapt that mindset. But writing emails does help, gets my thoughts out there and somewhat less chaotic. Your mind will often play tricks on you - try to convince you to reach out, make you believe that if you do it one more time or send her that awesome well written letter, that then, finally, she will come running back to you. It's all rubbish. The mind plays too many tricks. The biggest challenge for me is not finding activities to do, things to occupy time but battling my own thoughts. The day will be going good and then my mind may remind me and say "hey you forgot to feel like sh*t today, better get on it" lol 1
Author ExtraSpice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 That is a great combination to have! It will stop you making things worse for yourself. My lack of pride meant that I lost face and just embarrassed myself. My lack of logic meant that I persisted with my attempts even though it was only hurting myself. The fact that you can come on here and talk about/recognise your temptation to break NC shows, I think, that you're actually in control and doing well. It's good to have that self-awareness. Thank you! I feel somewhat control of my impulses and can rationalize bad and good decisions. It helps because I know keeping it up will improve the situation in the longer term but it ends up creating some doubts in my mind. I start entertaining what if scenarios. But sometimes lessons are better learnt when you make those mistakes so in that sense at least you know now and maybe next time you face a situation like that your response will be different. 1
playlislay Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I always wonder if there's ever two exes on here, both posting that they want to contact their ex but everyone tells them not to because they haven't got in contact with you yet... Just be careful and be true with your intentions.
Author ExtraSpice Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 I always wonder if there's ever two exes on here, both posting that they want to contact their ex but everyone tells them not to because they haven't got in contact with you yet... Just be careful and be true with your intentions. I wonder that quite a lot as well. When I stop myself from contacting my ex, one of the reasons I give myself is that she hasn't contacted me so she probably doesn't want to. But then what if my ex is thinking the exact same thing. But then I don't want to use that reasoning to contact her because of the risk of that not being the case. And in that case I end up screwing myself over. So it ends up being a back and forth and in the end I take the safer route which is usually no contact. 1
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