healthyhopes Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Every time I'm in a situation where a guy might want something from me romantically, I feel very uncomfortable. Does anyone know why this might be? I draw it down to a fear of vulnerability, but I'm not 100% sure. Perhaps it's a negative attachment style? My very first romantic relationship was with someone who was very distant and I believe just wanted me for sex. I grew very attached because when I was very young, I had a low self esteem. When it ended, I was devastated (despite the fact that I was the one who ended it). My second, I believe was a with a narcissist, so with the love-bombing and the devaluation, I was very effected. However, thinking back, when he first asked me out, I was very uncomfortable with all the attention. However, I've always felt uncomfortable like this, even when I was little. Perhaps this is because I do not return feelings in these cases, but I don't know. Thinking back to my most recent love interest (who rejected me, boo hoo), there was ample emotional intimacy, but also ample space as well. He never really made it clear that he had romantic intentions (because, as it turns out, he had none) so it felt safer (?). Lately, another person likes me and he's heavily pushing for emotional connection (though he's very kind about it) but it really turns me off and makes me feel uncomfortable. Does anyone else relate? Perhaps I only am attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
Gloria25 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) For me, it seems to stem from fear of loss and rejection. I grew up in a broken home. I guess it made me difficult to open up, become vulnerable, dependent on another person cuz I couldn't count on those people who were supposed to show me love as a child (mum, dad). So, when I meet someone who I guess deep down inside I want and who wants me, I feel scared cuz ok what if we make a wonderful couple and one day he leaves me? It'll hurt like hell. Years ago I broke up with a dude - who I let into my "world". I t was so hard for me cuz he was like part of my "routine" and I had to like recreate my day-to-day activities - on top of suffering the loss. My neighbor that I post about a lit here. Believe it or not, of thr times I felt he was into me, I did get scared cuz I fear the "what if's". So, that's one reason why I tried so hard with him cuz I think he smells my fear and it only increases the fears he already has when it comes to whether or not I'm going to diss him... But unlike him, I do step out of my comfort zone and at least "try". But really, with each disappointment, break up and me getting set in my ways as I get older - masturbating and beer with good food in front of the TV certainly looks more encouraging than wasting my time "dating". Jane Child - "Don't Wanna Fall In Love" Edited March 9, 2016 by Gloria25
preraph Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 It does sound like a fear of intimacy, meaning not just sex, but just the whole closeness, vulnerability thing. I've known guys like that, but personally not any female friends of mine were that way. Like a real good looking guy who had women all over him, too much, like you would if you were famous, would tend to be with those who didn't demand too much intimacy. In fact, I believe that's why he married someone who didn't speak English. He would confide things to me, more or less kind of rebellious things, but he'd been chronically ill when a child and expected to not make it, an immune disease, but he did make it. I think that's why he was that way, probably.
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