LAtoChiGuy Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Hey everyone, looking for some advice...anyway started dating this girl in early Feb. I'm 29 she's 28. We went out for drinks and then got dinner five days later on v-day (low key). Went out again for bowling the next week. Date #4 I home cooked her a meal. After dinner we made out, moved to the bedroom, fooled around, no intercourse but I got her off and she texted me this the next day: "Hey, I had a great time last night! You're amazing!" Text some and then Sunday, I called asked her out for date 5. I forgot it was the Oscars and left a VM but after the show she texted that she would love to hang out sometime this week. Anywho, we each got busy during the week but she texted me Wed. that for the first time in a while she was free all day Sat. I suggest doing something touristy and she throws out the art museum. We hit that up and get dinner after. Following dinner we walk her dog. During the walk I tell her that I've had a lot of fun this last month and that, regardless of where she was, I don't feel comfortable personally meeting new people after this many dates. Pretty standard, 5-6 dates / month is usually when people figure that stuff out. Especially when your dates have all been 4+ hours. Her response makes this a strange situation. She said that she loved hanging out BUT from her Women's Empowerment classes she realized she has a hard time saying no and that until she learns to say no she wasn't sure she could be in a relationship. She says she hopes we can still hang out and we'll talk later. So normally the 'lets be friends' thing is a ripcord situation but I found myself really liking her and can't imagine why she would text me such a compliment or initiating what appears to be our final date if she was starting to cool on me. Thus I'm confused and reaching out for extra advice. Thanks!
scooby-philly Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 That's a tough situation. i can relate, even as a guy, to her perspective. I've given too much to women who weren't really into me. Not sure if it's because I'm attracted to women who aren't attracted to me, or because I spent too much of my young adult life trying to stay friends with people that don't share common interests, values, lifestyle. That said, you have to respect her wishes. You can stay friends with her if you want and see what happens, but if she's had a bad streak in relationships then she'll be hesitant and that will color her perspective of what goes on between you two. It's a tough thing to do, but if she can't see you for what you are and she allowed it to get this far then you have to respect yourself enough as well and move on.
preraph Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I think it might be a communication problem. I mean, she does seem to be saying she's not ready to progress to anything serious yet and also that she has trouble saying no, so I guess she doesn't trust herself. You could just text or call her and say, I still want to date if you do. And see what she does with that. She could say, Oh, yeah, sure, just not sure if i'm ready for anything serious. She could say, Oh, I think I better stop dating until I straighten myself out. She could say, Okay, but just as friends, in which case you say, Well, then that's not a date, and I'm really looking for a girlfriend. She could say, "Oh, sure I'd love to" and you go and she makes out with you some more. But don't stand down and stop acting touchy just because she said he needs to work on herself, because that's not what you want. Don't get it started. Be clear you want to date. 1
GR4 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I don't think I'd want to date anyone who went to "women empowerment classes" whatever the hell that even is. What a load of nonsense. This is why I can't figure out women. By the sounds of it she's really into you, should be simple for her, right? Wrong. 1
TXGuy Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 It might be that when she says "she has trouble saying no" she is telling you she is having ONSs with other guys and doesn't feel she is ready for a relationship/exclusivity with you until she gets that out of her system.
TeddyBeer Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Women's Empowerment classes Yea this is one of the rare occasions where a person can say "It is not me, it is you". I am all for female empowerment, feminism, all that, but I feel that the women who get draw into the popularized 'female empowerment' movement in general are just insecure and damaged females with very, very bad experiences with men. I think in the relationship area, female empowerment is about being your own woman and making your own decisions (not influenced by a hegemonic sexist idea), so not being told what being a woman is and how a woman should act in certain circumstances. How to act in relationship situations is however what they teach women in these classes, which just defies the entire point of the classes imo. Anyhow, most likely it is now just you against her friends who hate everything that has a dick and moves, because you are a sexist and you know it!!! (lol) If I am wrong about these groups I would love to hear btw.
thecrucible Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I agree with what preraph says, recommending telling her that you'd like to continue seeing her but making it clear that it's a date so you wouldn't continue as friends. I wonder what she means about having trouble saying no - whether she might mean that she thinks she moved too quickly with you or she has had trouble saying no in the past? It doesn't sound like she trusts herself anyway.
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Thanks guys. I'm sort of getting the feeling there are a few logical ways to go forward. 1) do nothing, she friend zoned me but did it in an unusual way. 2) ask her to grab a coffee to discuss this more and explain where I'm coming from 3) ask her out again but when I do make it clear. 4) do nothing for a few days but then text her from a concert I'm going to that she knows I'm pumped for (the who!!!). It is low key, friendly and can open the door for more conversation. She's going out of town this weekend too which is nice, so that if I go for option 2 or 3 it gives extra time to think about things. I'm sort of a fan of 2 or 4, but that is probably why I'm single, no? :laugh:
SunnyWeather Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 chill out for a few days and maybe she'll miss you enough to reconsider
AMJ Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 But she DID just say no. You should say- hey, good job! You said no to being exclusive. Can we cut this BS now and just keep hanging out because we like each other? She also already said no to having sex with you. I'm a big believer in personal development, and sure, equal rights...but being a feminist does not mean you can't have a healthy relationship. You seem like a guy who is totally okay with respecting her and her boundaries. It's unfortunate that she doesn't see that. You can't just shut people out of your life because you're trying to improve yourself ('you' being her, in this case). How long is it going to take her to "learn to say no"? What types of things does she need to say no to? And how is female empowerment about saying no to things that we want? As in, I want a relationship with this great guy, so I'm going to say yes. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, which is why I'm trying to believe her and not think she's actually just blowing you off, like others suggest. Because if she really is blowing you off..she's an *******. You don't let things get as far along towards a relationship with someone to then blow him off and give him some BS reason for it. If you think she's worth it, then demand some clarity. Why is she even dating if she has this deal about no relationship until I can learn to say no?
ff12343 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I dealt with something similar OP. I have a feeling you won't listen but the best option here is don't contact her and see how long it takes for her to contact you. If and when she does contact, let her know face to face your intentions. But i strongly recommend not contacting until she does first. Good luck.
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 I dealt with something similar OP. I have a feeling you won't listen but the best option here is don't contact her and see how long it takes for her to contact you. If and when she does contact, let her know face to face your intentions. But i strongly recommend not contacting until she does first. How did that work out?
smackie9 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 IMO if your goal is to find a GF, don't waste anymore of your time. Date other people, and still date her if you like, but don't invest your feelings. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 5 dates, no sex, she doesn't want to be exclusive... she's seeing other guys and isn't sold on you. That's my guess. Your plan should be to back off and see if she comes to you.
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 So I talked to one of my friends from college who is a feminist and taken empowerment classes but is also happily married and she gave me some great advice about communication and dialogue and what those classes are all about. Called the girl I like, she answered, and I asked her to come check out a bookstore with me tomorrow. Encouraging sign, fingers crossed. 1
ff12343 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I dealt with something similar OP. I have a feeling you won't listen but the best option here is don't contact her and see how long it takes for her to contact you. If and when she does contact, let her know face to face your intentions. But i strongly recommend not contacting until she does first. Good luck. It did not work out well at all. My guess was she was either damaged or just emotionally unavailable. Either way, I still recommend that advice. But being I'm late with this post, any updates?
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 But being I'm late with this post, any updates? Yeah. Took some advice from a feminist who did similar classes. I called, she answered, asked her to see this creepy bookstore we joke about so I'm seeing her this afternoon for a low key bookstore and coffee shop visit. I'll broach the subject again but with a better strategy. More asking her than saying where I'm coming from. Fingers crossed!
fitnessfan365 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Yeah. Took some advice from a feminist who did similar classes. I called, she answered, asked her to see this creepy bookstore we joke about so I'm seeing her this afternoon for a low key bookstore and coffee shop visit. I'll broach the subject again but with a better strategy. More asking her than saying where I'm coming from. Fingers crossed! No offense man, but most people don't flip flop that quickly. She said she just wanted to be friends and is probably under the assumption that it's just a friendly get together. If you try the same thing again, you'll most likely get the same answer.
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 No offense man, but most people don't flip flop that quickly. She said she just wanted to be friends and is probably under the assumption that it's just a friendly get together. If you try the same thing again, you'll most likely get the same answer. No offense taken. The problem for me is it was such a strange answer. I don't know if I was put in the friend zone, told to keep things casual, etc. I don't have clarity on the situation so hopefully today goes well and at some point I can point out that I'm not sure what her answer was. Not knowing is the worst.
ff12343 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 No offense taken. The problem for me is it was such a strange answer. I don't know if I was put in the friend zone, told to keep things casual, etc. I don't have clarity on the situation so hopefully today goes well and at some point I can point out that I'm not sure what her answer was. Not knowing is the worst. Make this the last attempt. You need to treat it as a business deal. Being friend zoned is not in your favor so walk if that ends up being the case. Would make her think twice if she saw you fading from her. If not, then you know where you always stood.
ff12343 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Yeah. Took some advice from a feminist who did similar classes. I called, she answered, asked her to see this creepy bookstore we joke about so I'm seeing her this afternoon for a low key bookstore and coffee shop visit. I'll broach the subject again but with a better strategy. More asking her than saying where I'm coming from. Fingers crossed! Any luck or were we right? Just friends?
Maxtor Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Hey everyone, looking for some advice...anyway started dating this girl in early Feb. I'm 29 she's 28. We went out for drinks and then got dinner five days later on v-day (low key). Went out again for bowling the next week. Date #4 I home cooked her a meal. After dinner we made out, moved to the bedroom, fooled around, no intercourse but I got her off and she texted me this the next day: "Hey, I had a great time last night! You're amazing!" Text some and then Sunday, I called asked her out for date 5. I forgot it was the Oscars and left a VM but after the show she texted that she would love to hang out sometime this week. Anywho, we each got busy during the week but she texted me Wed. that for the first time in a while she was free all day Sat. I suggest doing something touristy and she throws out the art museum. We hit that up and get dinner after. Following dinner we walk her dog. During the walk I tell her that I've had a lot of fun this last month and that, regardless of where she was, I don't feel comfortable personally meeting new people after this many dates. Pretty standard, 5-6 dates / month is usually when people figure that stuff out. Especially when your dates have all been 4+ hours. Her response makes this a strange situation. She said that she loved hanging out BUT from her Women's Empowerment classes she realized she has a hard time saying no and that until she learns to say no she wasn't sure she could be in a relationship. She says she hopes we can still hang out and we'll talk later. So normally the 'lets be friends' thing is a ripcord situation but I found myself really liking her and can't imagine why she would text me such a compliment or initiating what appears to be our final date if she was starting to cool on me. Thus I'm confused and reaching out for extra advice. Thanks! Wtf is this? There are classes for that? Thats so stupid. That makes even harder to date and understand women.
WaitingForBardot Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 IMO it doesn't seem strange at all; she said no. So the time for talking is over. If you still want to give it a go, tell her you like her and ask her out again. Tell her it's a date, a romantic date. She'll say yes or she'll say no, and her answer (yes or no, not any other words she may say at the same time), will tell you everything you need to know.
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Any luck or were we right? Just friends? We were having a good time making fun of how disorganized the book store was that it didn't feel right to have another heavy discussion. Pros: based on a topic of a book, she learned something new about me that I hadn't told her yet. I called, she answered, we hung out. Brushed some hair out of her face and she didn't recoil in disgust. I know when I tell a girl I've been dating that I just want to be friends, I wouldn't answer the phone a few days later and I certainly don't break the touch barrier. Cons: No resolution. No kissing (which we had been doing). She is out of town until Monday so just laying low and worked on my thesis for grad school this weekend.
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted March 29, 2016 Author Posted March 29, 2016 Hey so after our little bookstore hangout...she headed out of town for a long weekend. I shot her a text several days later asking how the trip was and got a one word reply. Never good. Stayed out of contact for a few more days and then left a VM about a casual karaoke night. Zero reply. Okay, that's over I thought.... A week later with nothing from me she texted me, inviting me to her birthday dinner. Went, had fun, she hugged me several times and rubbed my back when we were sitting together. No one was intoxicated either. I was stunned. Didn't expect to see her again. Gave it a few days and hit her up again and we had some good text banter so I asked her about going to a play. Meeting some more people too in the meantime, but it's funny how things like this happen sometimes.
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