I can move on but don't want to

[Shs101]

We broke up 2 weeks ago I was devastated the first week because it was out of no where. This week I was getting better slowly. I have been implicating the NC and haven't spoke to her except today when she contacted me

To get her stuff. I did like people would say and I just left her stuff in a bag on the front lawn. I watched threw the window her picking her stuff up and it just shattered me again. It's crazy.... Anyone else get better then them getting their **** re-ruins you? Any advice now...it's more of a closure thing I guess knowing its 110 percent done. Hurts a lot..... I'm in my low twenties and have a bright future ahead, but this relationship and the break up has ruined me. Need some uplifting spirits...

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think most of us have been there. Let yourself grieve. The more you work out those feelings, the faster you will recover.

 

How long were you together and why did you break up?

[Brady375]

5 1/2 yr relationship ended for me in my early 20s. Was terrible. Think the first major breakup is the hardest. I never thought I'd recover. But guess what? I did. And in retrospect it was a good thing we split. She is married w kids w someone and i could care less. That prob isn't something you want to hear but understand I was where you were and you will one day be where I am. You'll be fine man. All of these "events"; the breakup convo itself, her picking up her things. They are all major events that will stir up emotions in you. You will also have some emotions stirred up if and when you see her out w someone or find out if she's ever seeing anyone. It's normal and part of the process. Break ups suck but they will help you become a Better person and they are a necessary part of life, you will lose people as you go through life due to relationships ending or someone passing away. You'll grieve. Better yourself. Use this as a platform to launch yourself into a better you. That will help you out a lot. "You arent free to do anything until you lose everything". Enjoy your freedom man. One day you may have a wife and 3 kids and wish you were 22yrs old and free to do whatever you please.

 

I have enjoyed the time I have spent w the girls I have had relationships w but when we grew apart it was time to move on to other experiences in life.

[Toodaloo]

SHS this is just one of those "times" and things that you go through before its finished. Its the tidy up.

 

in a couple of days you will feel better again. Then you might find something or see something thats a reminder and your heart will sink again but gradually these moments and times will fade away and you will forget all about it. Then one day something will remind you of her and you will laugh at yourself instead of feeling bad.

 

Thats how life goes. There is no quick fix. Just give yourself time.

[Shs101]

How can one go with seeing their ex having fun and happy? It destroys me. Early 20s both of us we split over bs. She said she still loves me but isn't showing. When I look at her snap chat or her friends it makes me so mad to see her having fun and I'm nothing. We're done and we're really done. Mentally how can I find peace. Please. I just graduated college I have a bright future but this break up ruined me. I feel so lost. I need peace.

[Stealth3]

It is difficult but you need to focus on the path in front of you. Go for a run, a walk, a swim...work out at the gym harder than you did before.

Working out while listening to motivational speeches really helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bQ1BX3hz7I

[Shs101]

I made this thread about a week ago.

 

This is a short summary of my story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/572524-i-can-move-but-don-t-want

 

Too add to this, she tried to contact me recently and I answered (which I shouldn't have, but I wanted to see what she would say) of course she was saying the whole I love you and want to be with you game, but not actually showing any of it. I admit, I said she could come see me the next day...she didn't take up on that chance and I didn't purse and "bother" her. I'm not that type of guy, so I basically said f it, again. My hopes for brought up and got diminished which brought back a lot of them lonely feelings. It's whatever now. I think she contacted me because she was feeling empty at the time like I'm a toy and she just wanted me to answer to make her feel right. I know for a fact she loves me but she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now in her life. (We talked about this sometimes

Over the year relationship) I should have caught signs sooner.

 

I read someone else that the last part of grieving is acceptance. Which leads to giving up on hope to be peaceful. She can say all she wants to me but actions speak louder than words, I feel like she only wants to hear me say " I love you too" back. Now I know when she tries to contact me

To not answer.

 

Is acceptance the last part? Even my mother said, "you can't force someone to be with you,it's that simple" and that simple but powerful statement stuck with me. I just get very frustrated when she ms saying I love you and wants to work on things and then wakes up the next morning like whatever. It's immature and unethical. While tonight all over her and her friends snap chat they are out at a bar..... Very mature. She doesn't even know what she wants. I need the strength to move forward.

 

How do I accept the fact that we are no longer together? Even as much as we said we wanted a future together , etc.

 

Begging for some answers,insight,faith....there's no worse feeling when you're starting to do better and the wound re-opens.

[contel3]

That's why you go no contact. Which means no looking at her snapchat or being fed information by her friends. That way you don't have to deal with it.

 

Remember that not everything is what it seems. After my worst break up I partied like crazy, went on a trip, made new friends and probably looked like I was having a great time...I kept my grief to myself.

 

If she looks like she's having fun I suggest you do the same. After pretenting for a while it won't even feel fake anymore.

[duncsvoice]

Hey man.

 

I don't have answers as such, but in a nut shell allow me to tell you my story and how it's got me to this point - some parts really echo yours.

 

Together for 2 years, getting married this year, fell apart for some easily fixable reasons but she wanted time and space - fine, it hurt, but I understood. The week after she left I went home to London, she was sending me texts with hundreds of kisses on, wanted to meet up, the next day I was home she came over and told me she didn't love me, and was quite frankly horrible.

 

A few days later, she tells me she misses me, she comes over - same story. Each time I feel devastated.

 

Over a week later she comes to me for emotional support, I love her so I offer it. She comes over, we sleep together, she tells me she loves me...yadda yadda.

 

It went from hating me, to still loving me "but not wanting a relationship". I realised, like you, I was an emotional doormat. She wanted my love, support and affection (which she knows is there in abundance) but without being with me.

 

Every meet, I just felt worse and worse, depressed, suicidal...and after the last one I just realised I owed myself better. I asked her to stop contacting me for the moment, and made my own plans. I think that is my acceptance. I miss her like you wouldn't believe, but I've finally accepted she isn't here.

[adarna]

How can one go with seeing their ex having fun and happy? It destroys me. Early 20s both of us we split over bs. She said she still loves me but isn't showing. When I look at her snap chat or her friends it makes me so mad to see her having fun and I'm nothing. We're done and we're really done. Mentally how can I find peace. Please. I just graduated college I have a bright future but this break up ruined me. I feel so lost. I need peace.

 

What cortel said.

 

No contact and that includes not staying updated with her life. Stop looking at her snapchat, or any social media for that matter.

 

If you can't help it (I know it's difficult) then do yourself a huge favor and delete the app from your phone.

 

Your future is way more important than whether she is having fun without you. And trust me, she's doing this because she knows you'll see it. And in the off chance that she weren't, then it's just a complete disregard about how it would make you feel. Don't do that to yourself. Do you really want to be a part of that?

 

Best of luck. Congrats on graduating! Stay focused on your goals. Your future self will thank you.

Edited March 13, 2016 by adarna

[Shs101]

Been broken up for a few weeks now. Very little to no contact in the process. We're both in low twenties and we're in love as we said. Dated for over a year but just wasn't working out so we separated. My question is I'm feeling better, I genuinely am. But how does one mentally let go out the person you love? How do you just let the love die? Am I thinking different, has anyone experienced this before? That they're doing good but don't want that love go and what they had. I can tell time is really making us more distant and it kills.

 

How do you just let that love die?

[Mrin]

Well I can give you the brain chemistry explanation. Ok what happens is when you have ideas or thoughts they form neuro synaptic connections in your brain. Complex concepts are made up of lots of these connections. They're called networks. Ok you have a about three main ones that we will discuss. You have a network that is your ex. It contains all the thoughts and memories you have about him. You have another that overlaps and that was your relationship with him. Again, it has all the thoughts and memories. Now you're building a third right now that overlaps with both - your break up. And because it overlaps with both it is very powerful - it is able to trigger all sorts of chemical reactions that you feel as emotions. Because the other two networks were so wired in, this third network - your break up - has a direct connection to your emotional state.

 

Now - what will happen over time is that your brain will fire/use the breakup network a lot in the beginning. That network will slowly dismantle the other two - the network of your ex and the network of your relationship. You won't forget them - they will just fade from disuse. But that's the key - to get over someone requires you having to stop using those networks.

 

Your brain loves novelty. Like love loves it. New things. New ideas. New sensations. Because your brain loves to learn. So the more you can stimulate it with new things the more it spend focusing on those new networks and less time firing and using the old networks. If you can experience these new things in a hightened emotional state - the better.

 

So ya, time really does heal and you can compress the time required for healing by new experiences. The more you do that the more you unplug those old networks from their ability to control or influence your emotions.

 

I hope this makes sense!

[benB]

Does that also explain the effect it has on sleeping and eating patterns? Also the fact that my mind is consumed with the thought of her after she dumped me? To me that is the worst feeling of it. Not being able to escape the thoughts and physical toll on my body whether I'm awake or sleeping.

[sorano]

Like stated, you will never forget them, but the pain will be less and less.

[Shs101]

Been broken up for a few weeks now. Terrible break up but really going from denial to acceptance to denial and over and over. They say when you reach acceptance you're basically done and when I feel the acceptance stage I feel better than other stages, but I still have this denial feeling every day. Like this il can't be happening, is she talking to someone else already, I keep rethinking small things in the relationship.... Just going insane. Any sound advice for staying in the acceptance stage? I'm really starting to rethink a lot of things in our relationship and making myself nuts because we are done.

[Murek]

Been broken up for a few weeks now. Terrible break up but really going from denial to acceptance to denial and over and over. They say when you reach acceptance you're basically done and when I feel the acceptance stage I feel better than other stages, but I still have this denial feeling every day. Like this il can't be happening, is she talking to someone else already, I keep rethinking small things in the relationship.... Just going insane. Any sound advice for staying in the acceptance stage? I'm really starting to rethink a lot of things in our relationship and making myself nuts because we are done.

 

Let me be honest with you. Regardless of what has happened you need to come to terms with what has happened in the relationship - everything is out of your control now; which is scary.

 

Truthfully, if she is talking to somebody else it no longer matters my friend, you need to stop worrying about what she is or isn't doing - it no longer concerns you.

 

My advice is to come to terms with what has happened, regardless if she comes back or not or what happens in the future it is neither the place nor the time to think about it. The breakup is still fresh, but it truly comes down to wither you want to stay in a paralysis state or not. It's something you deep down inside need to come to terms with my friend.

 

"And i'm the bad guy yet again, spend so much time trying to find who the victim is" - captial steez.

[loveiswar101]

After a 3 year relationship it took me around 9-10 months to get to acceptance. It really is true what they say, that time heals all wounds and is the best thing here. Keep busy, get out there and move on.

 

Then one day it just happens.

 

I did find getting rid of everything I had of her or was given from her a big help. Get rid of all reminders.

 

Good luck. Post here often if helps too.

[Shs101]

Let me be honest with you. Regardless of what has happened you need to come to terms with what has happened in the relationship - everything is out of your control now; which is scary.

 

Truthfully, if she is talking to somebody else it no longer matters my friend, you need to stop worrying about what she is or isn't doing - it no longer concerns you.

 

My advice is to come to terms with what has happened, regardless if she comes back or not or what happens in the future it is neither the place nor the time to think about it. The breakup is still fresh, but it truly comes down to wither you want to stay in a paralysis state or not. It's something you deep down inside need to come to terms with my friend.

 

"And i'm the bad guy yet again, spend so much time trying to find who the victim is" - captial steez.

 

This helped a bit, thank you. Coming to terms of acceptance and reality is so hard when yous both have said so much to each together and then one day it's gone. Any following advice?

 

 

 

 

 

After a 3 year relationship it took me around 9-10 months to get to acceptance. It really is true what they say, that time heals all wounds and is the best thing here. Keep busy, get out there and move on.

 

Then one day it just happens.

 

I did find getting rid of everything I had of her or was given from her a big help. Get rid of all reminders.

 

Good luck. Post here often if helps too.

 

I got rid of everything and it has helped but I still find myself pondering on what she's doing. Which is completely irrelevant. And 9-10 months huh? It's been 3 weeks for me.... Very hard to live like this especially since I just graduated college. I have a lot going for me but this is literally a boulder to carry.

[Satu]

There's an awful lot to be said for stoic acceptance:

 

 

"This is not what I want. It is the opposite of what I want, but I will accept it and endure the pain which comes with it."

 

Easier said than done, but the act of desperately trying to evade the pain only brings more pain.

[Shs101]

Anyone know of any books I can pick up at my local book store for more in acceptance? Because right now I personally feel that's what's most hard. I can't accept the fact we are done, but we are. Anyone recommend any good books inn general after a break up?

[luck1978]

The breakup manual for men , by Andrew Ferebee

That is if you're a man

[Zahara]

Been broken up for a few weeks now. Terrible break up but really going from denial to acceptance to denial and over and over. They say when you reach acceptance you're basically done and when I feel the acceptance stage I feel better than other stages, but I still have this denial feeling every day. Like this il can't be happening, is she talking to someone else already, I keep rethinking small things in the relationship.... Just going insane. Any sound advice for staying in the acceptance stage? I'm really starting to rethink a lot of things in our relationship and making myself nuts because we are done.

 

It's only been a few weeks so in order to get to true acceptance, you have to heal. It will likely take months before you get to that point.

[Satu]

Acceptance is the culmination of the grieving process, and it comes further down the road.

 

You might benefit from reading The Flying Boy: Healing the Wounded Man

by John Lee.

 

Iron John: A Book About Men by Robert Bly is good too.

 

 

Take care.