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I can move on but don't want to


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Posted

This is my first post on here and it shows how much I need extra help and support. I don't want to make this too long but I was in a relationship for just over a year with who I thought could be the one I was going to spend my life with. We're young I'm on 23 she's 22, yes I know. Relationship had a lot of ups and downs, I don't really want to explain the relationship details as much as I do I just can't live my life the way it is now. I'm finishing up school and yes I go to the gym every day I'm a fairly active person I just can't stop thinking about her.

 

Break up is new yes I read that all these feelings are normal, we broke up about a week ago. I actually left her and I'm the one posting this and is very hurt. Towards the end of our relationship things just went rock bottom, arguing, couldn't talk much about stuff. The thing that hurts the most is I think she lost her mind, she was the nicest sweetest person I have ever met In my life. I admit we argued sometimes and I wasn't the GREATEST at times yes I take blame for a lot but it just seems like she doesn't care. We haven't spoke in a week and I literally feel like a part of me is missing.

 

Do I want to get back with her and fix things? Of course. Do I think it's going to happen? No, I don't. To put this in there she's in her last year at school and she lives at the university...only 40 min from me but there's so much distractions there it makes me very pessistimic.

 

I made this thread kind of fast so it may be out of order of order but the title says it all.... I know I'll get past this, I know I CAN....But my mind and heart don't want to at all. And it's so hard. I can't stop thinking about her and what's she doing. YES, I'll be at the gym, my minds on her. I went out with friends last night and couldn't stop thinking about her. We're clearly doing no contact but I still have her on social media and to make it worse I definetly check her stuff evey day (social media stalking). It's just very hard when we said on many times we wanted a future together and now it seems like we're nothing.

 

I know I can move on but my mind and heart do not want to at all. It's like a tug of war, literally. Any help? Highly appreciated responses here.

  • Like 1
Posted

If you don't want to, that means that you can't.

 

Yet.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Exactly so what should I do? It's hard living like this when you have a life also. In my last semester of school as well and this person is completely taking all my thoughts from me. I let her consume me as a person and that's what went wrong.

  • Like 1
Posted
Exactly so what should I do? It's hard living like this when you have a life also. In my last semester of school as well and *this person is completely taking all my thoughts from me. I let her consume me as a person and that's what went wrong.

 

 

Freud and Jung concluded that most mental and emotional pain comes from:

 

Resistance

 

Conflict

 

and

 

Failure to adapt.

 

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this, is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

 

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them = resistance.

 

You try not to think about the thoughts but you do = conflict.

 

Conflict + Resistance = Mental and emotional pain.

 

 

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

If you don't, they will slam in hard, at inconvenient times.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

 

 

You get what you resist.

 

What you resist persists.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

How does one get over the fact of disbelief? I feel like half of my reasoning I don't actually want to move forward is because I'm in complete disbelief this even Happened. It's totally out of her character not to text me at all not fight for us or anything. I can't believe it. Takes away all of my happiness.

Posted

I'm slightly confused so help me out here

 

What exactly are you hoping to get out of her texting you?

 

Do you want her to beg and plead so you can feel better, are you wishing/hoping she'll do such so you can then deny her or are you wanting her to beg and plead only for you to accept her back.

  • Author
Posted

Just to reassure that she loves me, I guess. I take full responsibility in any problems I may have and reassurance has been one of them. At this point I don't even know if I really want her back (even though I do, I prob shouldn't) I just felt so much more secure with my

Life with her, is what it comes down to. I almost don't know how to live.

Posted
Just to reassure that she loves me, I guess ... At this point I don't even know if I really want her back (even though I do, I prob shouldn't) I just felt so much more secure with my

Life with her, is what it comes down to. I almost don't know how to live.

 

Right.

 

Let me be blunt with you.. you're conflicted

 

Firstly, she's a person with feelings, aspirations, dreams and everything like that. She is not the only one in this breakup who is hurting either.

 

Secondly, Regardless of if/and/or/but/when/who/what/why everything happened the constant questioning of wither she loved you or not no longer matters. You two have spilt, you are the one to initiate this spilt as well ( which i'm sure there's reasons to it ). We have all been down this path, which is why I'm going to tell you to stop - wipe the table clean. Its done, maybe forever, maybe for just a bit. But treat it as it is forever.

 

Thirdly, you want reassurance that she did love you - what will this do for you, are you suddenly going to get back together because you fear she did not love you. You, yourself do not even know if you want to get back together why which is precisely why you need time to figure what you truly want.

 

Right now, your distraught, lost, confused, maybe even devastated. I'll tell you this right now, nothing in life is guaranteed. You felt comfortable, you lost that of course you will feel like this.

 

My advice for you, take this time to reflect and be objective about it. Do not contact her only to get back together and figure out this isn't what you wanted a second time - She's a person as well and does not deserve to be toyed with, and neither should you be toyed with.

 

Whatever went down, you need to come to terms with or it will only plague your mind. Embrace the pain, embrace this troubling situation and you will emerge a much more fulfilled, complete person.

 

You two both need time apart. You need to figure out what you want.

 

I am not saying this out of a cold callous state either, I know exactly how you feel. You do not need to make your decision now take the time to figure everything out my friend and wither or not its with her later on then .. c'est la vie.

  • Author
Posted
Right.

 

Let me be blunt with you.. you're conflicted

 

Firstly, she's a person with feelings, aspirations, dreams and everything like that. She is not the only one in this breakup who is hurting either.

 

Secondly, Regardless of if/and/or/but/when/who/what/why everything happened the constant questioning of wither she loved you or not no longer matters. You two have spilt, you are the one to initiate this spilt as well ( which i'm sure there's reasons to it ). We have all been down this path, which is why I'm going to tell you to stop - wipe the table clean. Its done, maybe forever, maybe for just a bit. But treat it as it is forever.

 

Thirdly, you want reassurance that she did love you - what will this do for you, are you suddenly going to get back together because you fear she did not love you. You, yourself do not even know if you want to get back together why which is precisely why you need time to figure what you truly want.

 

Right now, your distraught, lost, confused, maybe even devastated. I'll tell you this right now, nothing in life is guaranteed. You felt comfortable, you lost that of course you will feel like this.

 

My advice for you, take this time to reflect and be objective about it. Do not contact her only to get back together and figure out this isn't what you wanted a second time - She's a person as well and does not deserve to be toyed with, and neither should you be toyed with.

 

Whatever went down, you need to come to terms with or it will only plague your mind. Embrace the pain, embrace this troubling situation and you will emerge a much more fulfilled, complete person.

 

You two both need time apart. You need to figure out what you want.

 

I am not saying this out of a cold callous state either, I know exactly how you feel. You do not need to make your decision now take the time to figure everything out my friend and wither or not its with her later on then .. c'est la vie.

 

I like this post, thank you.

 

I just can't stop thinking about her and what she's doing.

Good and bad thoughts.

Posted (edited)
I like this post, thank you.

 

I just can't stop thinking about her and what she's doing.

Good and bad thoughts.

 

I'm a lot older than you and I still felt like this for two months after the split. It was because I kept going back and trying to figure things out, each time I cared about what happened I was still in almost as much pain as when originally dumped. Thinking about her isn't going to change anything. Think about you. If she comes back, she comes back and you can deal with it then, but don't live your life for anyone other than yourself. Just know that it will get better with time once you let it.

 

I have an ex friend who became an alcoholic after getting left by his fiancé and never working though the issues, I have other friends who still pine after someone they lost years ago. A friend called me after I was dumped to talk about how awful her ex was for moving on after she dumped him. This was 6 months after the break. I think about those people and realize I don't want to get stuck on this. You shouldn't either.

 

ETA: write a list about how awful she and the relationship were. You mention you had hit rock bottom, stop putting this relationship on a pedestal. It's been a week, you'll be fine.

Edited by BatManuel
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I appreciate everyone's responses and am taking it all... But lately I find myself thinking about all the stuff she use to say to me and now how it doesn't mean anything. We talked about a future, "oh I'll never leave you", "I don't want anyone else" , this and that and she doesn't even care; or showing she cares.

 

To add this is after we broke up I sent her a long text (few days ago now, before I made this) explaining how wrong she was. Not nice text but not too nasty either. Just how fed up I was and she needs to find herself. And like other topics on here she didn't even respond. I find that insane. How can you not respond to someone after being with them for so long and talking every day.

 

Edit: also I'm feeling more "anger" as the days go on. More like just disrespected and I cant believe this happened. Also thinking of he talking and meet another guy just makes me crazy. Insecurities, yes. But that's why I'm here. This whole situation just f ed up my head.

Edited by Shs101
Posted
I know I can move on but my mind and heart do not want to at all.

Sometimes we hold on to the pain because it's the only thing we have left. It's the only reminder of a person we once loved and to let go of the pain means it's really over which is more painful than the torment of not letting go.

 

We talked about a future, "oh I'll never leave you", "I don't want anyone else" , this and that and she doesn't even care; or showing she cares.

You both probably meant those things at the time they were spoken but you changed and grew up and were unable to keep those promises. You made promises you couldn't keep and that's unfortunate but it doesn't mean it was a lie.

 

this person is completely taking all my thoughts from me.

No, she's not taking anything from you; you're choosing to dwell. You can also choose to process everything you're feeling and let it go. You have more power here than you'd like to admit.

 

To add this is after we broke up I sent her a long text (few days ago now, before I made this) explaining how wrong she was. Not nice text but not too nasty either. Just how fed up I was and she needs to find herself. And like other topics on here she didn't even respond. I find that insane. How can you not respond to someone after being with them for so long and talking every day.

I'm sure you realize that this wasn't the best idea. She has her own wants and needs and to tell her that she's wrong for not wanting you is disrespectful. You're essentially telling her that she doesn't have the right to make her own choices.

 

You made the decision to dump her, she made the decision to accept it and move on. It's exactly what she should be doing. What could her response possibly be to that? You'd argue if she tried to justify herself; it would only lead to a bitter fight. Maybe that's satisfactory to you, though. Maybe the acknowledgement is all you're after, not the content.

 

My ex was probably thinking the same thing with regards to me not responding. When I decided to leave him I was just done. Years of communication was abruptly severed and his head must have been spinning because he thought he was too important for me to live without. He begged, argued, annoyed, and nothing got a response. I was done. You stop responding when the other person isn't worth the stress anymore. 4 years later he's still trying to bait me; please don't be him.

 

How does one get over the fact of disbelief? I feel like half of my reasoning I don't actually want to move forward is because I'm in complete disbelief this even Happened. It's totally out of her character not to text me at all not fight for us or anything. I can't believe it. Takes away all of my happiness.

Edit: also I'm feeling more "anger" as the days go on. More like just disrespected and I cant believe this happened. Also thinking of he talking and meet another guy just makes me crazy. Insecurities, yes. But that's why I'm here. This whole situation just f ed up my head.

She's not behaving the way you want and it's pissing you off. Your value is tied directly to her and she's not giving you the deference you believe you deserve. You say you don't want her back but you want her to want you back; I get that you want to feel wanted and important but you must realize how flawed this is.

 

Identify why you're angry and sort through it. Find all the red flags you missed, the mistakes you made, adjust your standards, expectations and behavior. You're young and have so many opportunities ahead of you! Things change so much in your 20s and one day you may reflect back on her as a fond learning experience and look across the table at the gorgeous wife you wouldn't have without having learned from the mistakes of your past. Don't be like the people BatManuel mentioned, don't be my ex.

  • Author
Posted

Again going on with my original statement I know I can move on but I don't want to. It's like I don't want our love to Just die out. All the memories and the times will be nothing. It's so hard to let

Go. Going no contact was incredibly hard the first few days but after a week now it's not THAT bad. I just don't want it to end even though it did...very hard pill to swallow. I don't want to move on. Right now my thoughts are I don't want to completely let go and will I ever

Find love again. Because I clearly don't want to for a long time if it's not with her.

  • Author
Posted

My relationship of a year and a half ended and to not go into too much detail it really hurt me. Mind you today marks a week so my thoughts may be irrational. We are young, me being 23 and her 21. At this point knowing her and her decisions I don't think there's any point in reconciliation. I don't want to move on mentally, I don't want to be with anyone else, ever.

 

How do you slowly move on and when should you date again and find love? Because the way I'm feeling now I want no one else and no one could ever compare to her. It's really a shame.

 

How does one get over the thought that we eventually will find someone better than your ex you're stuck over?

Posted

I asked a similar question a while back and another poster (PegNosePete) said

 

"When you no longer ask yourself this question you are ready to date again".

 

He was right.

 

Give yourself time. As much as you need. Eventually you will start to see the world around you again and you will start to notice other women and then its probably a good time to start asking them out.

 

How you get there is that you immerse yourself in life. You go out and do fun things, you are at that age where clubs are fun and you can grab a load of the guys and go out on a boys bender. You challenge yourself. Is there somewhere you want to go or is there something you want to learn? Those sports you had fun with at school get back into them... read, educate yourself further even if it is how to bling your car up more. Do the things you enjoy. Eventually you will get there.

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Posted

Don't worry about finding someone new. Or when you should start dating again. Things are still a bit too raw for you or else you wouldn't even be here.

 

 

Start focusing on you! It's okay to be single for a while. Quite normal. Start making positive changes in your life. Do things that are going to make YOU happy. Travel to places you want to go, get new hobbies that you want to do.

 

 

We are in charge of our own happiness. You need to find out what that is.

Posted
My relationship of a year and a half ended and to not go into too much detail it really hurt me. Mind you today marks a week so my thoughts may be irrational. We are young, me being 23 and her 21. At this point knowing her and her decisions I don't think there's any point in reconciliation. I don't want to move on mentally, I don't want to be with anyone else, ever.

 

How do you slowly move on and when should you date again and find love? Because the way I'm feeling now I want no one else and no one could ever compare to her. It's really a shame.

 

How does one get over the thought that we eventually will find someone better than your ex you're stuck over?

 

How do you slowly move on and when should you date again and find love? -- When you stop asking these questions. Be patient with yourself and work toward acceptance by doing as much as you can to fill your life with positive, fun, constructive effort. Realizing that time's a wasting. Do you want to waste precious days, weeks, months on something that's past and being miserable?

 

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Hurdle jumpers don't stop the race when they knock over a hurdle.

  • Author
Posted

How does one move on knowing the person they love has moved on faster ???

 

I was in a relationship for just over a year with who I thought could be the one I was going to spend my life with. We're young I'm on 23 she's 22, yes I know. Relationship had a lot of ups and downs, I don't really want to explain the relationship details as much as I do I just can't live my life the way it is now. I'm finishing up school and yes I go to the gym every day I'm a fairly active person I just can't stop thinking about her.

 

Break up is new yes I read that all these feelings are normal, we broke up about a week ago. I actually left her and I'm the one posting this and is very hurt. Towards the end of our relationship things just went rock bottom, arguing, couldn't talk much about stuff. The thing that hurts the most is I think she lost her mind, she was the nicest sweetest person I have ever met In my life. I admit we argued sometimes and I wasn't the GREATEST at times yes I take blame for a lot but it just seems like she doesn't care. We haven't spoke in a week and I literally feel like a part of me is missing.

 

She cried to me a lot and told me I broke her heart (she did mine too) , etc so I KNOW she cared and cares but it's crazy how she seems to be doing fine now and I'm not.

 

she seems to have moved on faster than I am. Any advice for mentally dealing with this? It makes me think so irrational. I feel like it's unethical for me to be so hurt and her fine. She's posting pictures looking like she's fine and I'm pretty sure she's talking to other guys by now. Yes this has made me feel insecure but I'm not crazy, this just has consumed me. Any advice? Very frustrating thinking she's okay when I'm not. Sorry but it's the truth

Posted (edited)

Sounds to me what you have there is a world class actress.

 

Chances are she already has someone in her backup list.

 

Or probably is out screwing someone else many times in the past 1 year.

 

She is not talking to other guys, she is talking to the same guy for the past 1 year

 

Women can fake a cry much more easier than men. Don't fall for that.

 

My advice is face the fact that she is just taking you along for the ride.Loyalty is not the best trait in girls especially those your age. You will get more from a dog.

 

You feel frustrated and hurt because you have not found anyone new and she has already found someone else in such short time. Shedding light on the fact that the relationship you had for the past 1 year meant so little to her. You probably had a good reason to break up with her, but have you ever thought that was her plan all along. To get you to break up with her so she can screw the other guy without worries ?:bunny::bunny::bunny:

Edited by lostmyway82
Posted

I find myself in a similar situation. While I'm still finding it hard to deal with the break up my ex is seemingly fine. She doesn't talk to me now but when she did all seemed well. I don't know if she had another man or not, likely though. It hurts so much because at one time everything was great. Then for whatever reasons it fell apart and now that same person is a different person...or so it feels that way. It's hard to see that person that once was so affectionate become so cold and indifferent. It just hurts. I don't know how to deal with it but all I can say is find something positive in every day, whatever it takes.

Posted

I wouldn't say all this if I was not in the same situation before. Only thing is I came here to seek help a lot but quite a few peeps put me down. Won't go into the details.

 

What I can say is ask yourself what you can do makes you feel better.

 

You know like date her friend :rolleyes:

 

Be friends with her friends , that would let you know what actually happen :rolleyes:

 

Some people need to satisfy their curiosity in order to get over someone.

 

Some can just break off and just move on.

 

Some people find peace once they feel that have gotten even with their ex:p

 

Some are not so lucky and they get into a deep depression.

 

Which are you ?

  • Author
Posted

How do you mentally get over the fact that you were wth someone for so long and you both loved each other and they don't want to be with you anymore? I can't get over it. Only broken up for a few weeks but after everything we have been through together how does one comprehend that? We had our issues and we needed a break were both young in our low-mid 20s but it seems she's moving on rather quickly. I can't grasp it because I would still do anything to be with her. I guess that's just how life is.... Anyone else experience this?

Posted

Yes. I wonder the same thing. I'm a lot older than you but still don't get how we had so much and now he won't even respond to me. Beyond me how they can do that like we were nothing.

Posted (edited)

I've learned that people can rationalize anything if they put their minds to it. After a breakup they are not focusing on all the good in your relationship and the good things about you, they are focusing on the negative. They've rationalized thier actions and they've convinced themselves they have done the right thing, or they might feel bad, but they are putting on a brave face and moving on.

 

Example: Not my proudest moment, but I confronted my EX with proof that she was cheating on me before she broke up with me. She used this as confirmation that I can't be trusted. Her response was to bring up somethings from over a year and a half prior that she had never even talked to me about and to say I was acting weird the month prior to her dumping me. I have no doubt she believes I'm the bad guy in the situation...and maybe I am...but worring about that isn't going to help me at all.

 

Try not to dwell on the past, figure out the lessons you can take from this experience and put them into making a better future. You're taking this chance to reflect and you'll be better for it, but don't live in the past. It's going to hurt, but it will get better.

Edited by BatManuel
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