Was I in denial during my 3.5 year relationship?

[MaryJaneDoe]

Hi Everyone,

 

I would like to share my story hoping some of you may be able to share your opinions on what is happening!

 

He is turning 37 this month, so this story is looking for an outlook on people that have had a long term- adult relationship.

 

I dated my ex for 3.5 years, within the first year of us dating we were house hunting, and by our 1 year anniversary we moved in together. He has a daughter that the mother is totally out of the picture of, in which prior to me his family was a huge help. I also became a huge help to not only him, but his daughters growth, from 9-13, that is a lot a girl goes through.

 

We (of course) talked about marriage and (more) children prior to getting serious, and it was something we both wanted. (I would never get into a serious relationship without making sure we wanted the same from life.)

 

The 6 months of the first year of us living together was not easy, (in my opinion) I wasn’t just him, it was his daughter, I went from taking care of a small space, and myself, to two other people, food shopping, laundry, cooking, house cleaning, having time for him and I, having time for her and he. But none the less, even though the transition wasn’t easy, we did it!

Which was then when I mentioned marriage in year 2, his response was something along the lines of “its still way to soon to be able to tell, we just bought all this stuff for the house, we are trying to get settled”.

Which later, I agreed, still too soon, so onward with life!

 

Year 3- his younger sister is now married, his younger brother started dating someone, and within 1 year, he pops the question, they don’t live together, she doesn’t take care of his kid, (he doesn’t have one but just saying..) I was devastated, and embarrassed! We then had a rough 4 months, of all I was talking about was marriage, marriage marriage, it was constant argument, and it really just made us, hate us during that time. But I finally got over it, (besides, who would want to get proposed to after that?) and we moved on.

 

Going on now to over the 3.5 mark, just 4 months shy of 4 years, I bring us to a couples therapist which he came along willingly to. It was easy to work out whatever “issues” we may have had in there, but the real reason I brought us there was…..the topic of marriage, why? Because this guy wasn’t moving his feet!

 

The therapist said to us one time “You know, I see a lot of couples in here that I think ‘wow they really need to get a divorce’ but you guys, would be ok getting married.” (!!)

 

Our last 3 sessions started getting deep I cried at those three because we kept talking about marriage, but outside the sessions life was great.

 

It came out that he once upon a time thought about marriage with his baby momma, but she turned out to be a total drug addict lunatic, and no one has seen her in almost 9 years.

 

Then there was another GF he had at one point that after 1 year he wanted to marry, but she turned around and said “I don’t want to be a mother right now” and left.

 

Now here I am, over 3.5 in a relationship, practically acting like we’re married, yet he still won’t pop the question. It really was hurting, it didn’t feel fair to me.

 

On our 2nd to last session, the therapist told me I should move out, that providing him this lifestyle was only enabling him, (yes..he said it in front of the BF). The BF said, “I don’t think that’s true, I don’t think that she will leave.” I cried, but I did think about it.

 

By our last session, the therapist asked me if I thought about it, I said yes, and I was moving out that Saturday. (First time the BF heard me say it) He acted weird for the rest of the day, but then the rest of the week acted normal, (I think he thought I was bluffing until the night before.)

 

I still have remained contact with his daughter, texting her at least every other day.

His youngest sister called me and we talked, I told her where I was coming from and she completely understood, and told me she loved me.

 

Here is the plot twister - Since we obviously lived together for almost 3 years he would use my computer. He never realized that he tied his messages to my mac.

 

Two days after I moved out, his younger (now married) brother hit him up and asked “Hey man, heard you guys broke up, how are you doing?” the (now ex) BF’s response - “I’m fine. It was amicable. Know any hot single girls? ” His brother “Haha glad to see you’re doing well, I’ll keep an eye out.”

 

This hurt, but then I got over it, swearing off to never look at the texts again.

 

Last night I was minding my own business watching TV on my computer..when it happened again.. text messages were popping up. So annoyed with it, I was going to go into preferences and shut it off….but in order to do that, I must open Pandora’s box to get to the exit.

 

So I shut it off, but not without seeing the last messages that he was sending. He was having a conversation with his best friends GF, and she is throwing her BF a surprise party.

 

Her: Hey! I’m throwing a party for XXXX would love if you guys could be there!

Him: I’m in, XYZS (Other friend) is in too.

Her: Cool! Is MaryJaneDoe coming?

Him: No. We broke up, but its all good.

Her: Oh, well then we’ll make sure you have a good time.

 

--------

 

Since then, we’ve been NC, except for the two times I had to text him about his tax paperwork that was handed to our accountant prior to me leaving.

 

I hung out with his daughter this weekend, (again because all women in her father's life just left).

 

When arriving at the house to pick her up there were already changes, obviously all of my photos were gone, he switched all the cupboards in the kitchen, moving the plates, cups, silverware, snack cabinet, (that was strange), he put up a photo that I hated in our bedroom on the side I used to sleep. He put up pictures and things around the house that he used to have in his bedroom at his moms house prior to us moving in. (Which is also weird because they are all comic book stuff).

 

At first this shocked me, then I thought, well what the hell else is he suppose to do? So I wasn't bothered.

4:30AM my dog woke me up to be let out, and that's when these feelings of sadness, and feeling of being forgotten came to surface.

 

 

 

I didn't mean to post such a long story on here. I hope for those who have the time to read it can give me an outlook, on this whole thing.

[Toodaloo]

I am really sorry to read this but I think your therapist is right.

 

This guy would string you along and never actually make that commitment.

 

I really think you need to move on and make a life for yourself. Get out, go to lessons or take up sports, go out with your girlfriends and paint your nails.

 

It is going to take time for you to get over this. Don't ask me how much time as it is different for everyone. But keep your chin up and keep going.

 

As for him asking about hot chicks etc. Don't worry about it. Some people just react that way. They think that they have to have someone to be with regardless of little inconveniences like love...

[SoleMate]

It's clear to me that this breakup was for the best. Your bf spent 3.5 years proving he wasn't really committed to you and now your exBF is drawing a big bold highlight under his non-commitment. I'm glad you went to a therapist, got great advice, and made the necessary change while you still have runway left ahead of you.

 

Go ahead, grieve, go NC (sorry, yes even NC with the daughter unless you are incredible at compartmentalization and can risk it :( ) and then move on with your life. Next time, next man, do not move in with an uncommitted man and especially do not provide so many valuable domestic services for an uncommitted man....clearly it clouded his judgment. As a matter of speaking. (This is not the place to give an extended opinion of him so I won't but please be advised it is quite negative, esp as regards his daughter and her stability and emotional wellbeing.)

 

Also prepare yourself that the exbf may well hook up with a rebound and be wifing her before autumn leaves have started to fall. It's a common pattern. You are free, best of luck in moving on.

 

Oh and yes, you were in denial for a short while, but now you're waking up so it's all good.

[mrldii]

In addition to the excellent posts made by others, I'd like to add (reiterate?) you need to really rethink the staying in contact with his daughter, for a couple of reasons.

 

If you can do it, strictly out of a concern for her, as a person, then go for it. BUT, if you're in any way doing it to surreptitiously keep an eye on him or to keep yourself in his field of vision, you need to stop.

 

It's commendable that you say you want to stay in contact because too many women have come and gone from her life, BUT that's his problem...a problem caused by his [previous and current] choices. It's not YOUR problem to fix for him...nor is it your duty to shield him from the consequences of his actions.

 

Oh, and while I normally HATE the saying "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?", this situation could have been its poster child. If you truly want to be married to someone in the future, don't act *like* you're married, until you actually are.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Satu]

OP, you already have all the answers.

 

You know that you deserve much more than this man could ever give you.

 

Hold that thought.

 

 

Take care.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think it is good to let it all out in a long post, some people can find it quite therapeutic.

 

My heart broke for you when you read the messages. Whether the comments were made out of bravado or not, it still stings. You gave so much to this man, it must feel like such a slap in the face.

 

If he didn't have the same vision for your relationship in the long term, then it was heartless and selfish of him to allow it to continue. Although it must be very painful for you right now, I commend you for doing the right thing and moving out.

 

You shouldn't have to compromise your desire for commitment, after all you were offering it to him by helping to care for his daughter. You have an admirable character and deserve someone with an equally admirable character.

 

For what it is worth, I don't feel your ex deserved you. When you meet your future partner, I hope you will look back and be glad things ended with your ex now rather than later.

 

I hope that you are able to find peace in the knowledge that you did the right thing.

 

Take care.

Edited March 6, 2016 by Scarlett.O'hara

[candie13]

I am so sorry to hear what it is that you're going through.

 

I think no normal person is made out of stone. He cannot be totally insensitive to you.

 

please disconnect the automatic sync. Maybe he has access to your laptop too.

 

It is possible for him to be hit by the enormity of the change in a little while. Maybe he hates you for putting pressure on him. What did he say about marriage? Did he say he didn't ever want to remarry? Did he say he doesn't want to marry you?

 

I think... I dunno, go out. Go out, see friends, meet new people and just take a break. I think you should continue to see his little girl, but only if she initiates contact.

 

Think of yourself first and just let time flow. And grieve. You have a lot of grieving to do. I am soooo sorry that you have to go through this.

[BC1980]

You did the right thing by leaving because this was not heading towards marriage. I was in an almost identical situation, and it didn't end well for me. I was with my ex for 3 years, we lived together, I took care of his son (whose mom had died). I related to a lot of what you said when you mentioned that you never would have taken it that far if you didn't think it would lead to marriage. I felt the same way. My ex talked a lot of the talk in the beginning. Heck, he backed his talk up action in the beginning. He said a lot over the years that led me to believe he really wanted to marry me, even to adopt his son. But as time went on, he either never made any move to make marriage happen or he moved glacially slow. He would always give me just enough hope that I would stay.

 

It got to the point where we were basically acting like a married couple but not officially married. It was embarrassing. It's hard to see the bigger picture when you are in it. It's so freaking hard. I would get up the courage to leave and then not follow through with it. Time passes, and you wake up one day and realize you have spent years in a relationship that is at a standstill.

 

My ex's sister said something to me that made a lot of sense. She said my ex was ambivalent about marrying me. My ex probably loved/liked me enough to keep me around, but he didn't feel strongly enough to actually marry me. Your situation is probably the same. I have no idea why. It could be a million reasons, but it usually just boils down to the person not feeling strongly enough about you. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you to some degree, but it's not strong enough for him to marry you. I think those relationships are kind of the worst and the toughest to end. My ex said he couldn't really find anything awful about me and still loved me, but, in his gut, he felt bad about marrying me.

 

My recommendation would be to stop contacting his daughter. She is too young to understand all of this, and kids grieve faster than us. I had a hard time deciding what to do with my ex's son, but I eventually cut all contact. It's really for the best in the long run. If she were older, it might be different. Also, I wouldn't read too much into those messages he sent his friends. Most people are going to try to save face after a breakup. It's hurtful, but you don't know how he truly feels.

[MaryJaneDoe]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you SO much for your answers, they are all really supportive.

 

Personally, I actually already knew that I am way too good for him when I left. Hence the reason why I mustered up the courage to leave. I didn't leave thinking "oh he'll come back" I left thinking "screw him, theres someone else out there that realized they would be stupid to pass this up!"

 

As for his daughter, perhaps within due time we will not speak naturally, but I didn't want to rip everything out of her life immediately. After all, you break up parents not children.

 

For me however, I think am interested in hearing if there was anyone in his position, that was stubborn and if they ever realized after what a mistake they made. Personally, I know he screwed up, but do men realize that they screwed up? When does that finally hit him?

 

I think that was my biggest thing, for 9 months prior to me leaving I kept saying "hellloo, what are you going to do when I walk out some day because of no marriage?!" he would just wave me off..and I sit and wonder, if it will ever hit him.

[MaryJaneDoe]

You did the right thing by leaving because this was not heading towards marriage. I was in an almost identical situation, and it didn't end well for me. I was with my ex for 3 years, we lived together, I took care of his son (whose mom had died). I related to a lot of what you said when you mentioned that you never would have taken it that far if you didn't think it would lead to marriage. I felt the same way. My ex talked a lot of the talk in the beginning. Heck, he backed his talk up action in the beginning. He said a lot over the years that led me to believe he really wanted to marry me, even to adopt his son. But as time went on, he either never made any move to make marriage happen or he moved glacially slow. He would always give me just enough hope that I would stay.

 

It got to the point where we were basically acting like a married couple but not officially married. It was embarrassing. It's hard to see the bigger picture when you are in it. It's so freaking hard. I would get up the courage to leave and then not follow through with it. Time passes, and you wake up one day and realize you have spent years in a relationship that is at a standstill.

 

My ex's sister said something to me that made a lot of sense. She said my ex was ambivalent about marrying me. My ex probably loved/liked me enough to keep me around, but he didn't feel strongly enough to actually marry me. Your situation is probably the same. I have no idea why. It could be a million reasons, but it usually just boils down to the person not feeling strongly enough about you. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you to some degree, but it's not strong enough for him to marry you. I think those relationships are kind of the worst and the toughest to end. My ex said he couldn't really find anything awful about me and still loved me, but, in his gut, he felt bad about marrying me.

 

My recommendation would be to stop contacting his daughter. She is too young to understand all of this, and kids grieve faster than us. I had a hard time deciding what to do with my ex's son, but I eventually cut all contact. It's really for the best in the long run. If she were older, it might be different. Also, I wouldn't read too much into those messages he sent his friends. Most people are going to try to save face after a breakup. It's hurtful, but you don't know how he truly feels.

 

 

Quite honestly, I have thought about this. I knew he loved me, but I wondered if he didn't love me quite enough, thus the vicious cycle.

[MaryJaneDoe]

It is possible for him to be hit by the enormity of the change in a little while. Maybe he hates you for putting pressure on him. What did he say about marriage? Did he say he didn't ever want to remarry? Did he say he doesn't want to marry you?

 

He never once said " I do not want to marry you". If I asked where our relationship was going, he would say "we are seeing if we are compatible enough to get married" (he said this to the therapist and the therapist said it was now just an excuse after 3.5 years). Or he would say "well yea the idea of us being together is to eventually get married and have a family".

[candie13]

similar situation, but not identical.

 

dated a guy for 7 years, last 4 long distance. I was getting tired of the long distance and I needed support. He got scared and kept postponing making any change in our situation. I've warned him. I gave him time. I've eventually left. When he was supposed to get his things from my place, he came with a ring. You cannot imagine how much I had wanted that ring, the last year. Really, you cannot. And when I saw it there... I mean... first of all, it really sucked. I hated it. Second of all, I've realized he was only doing it to prevent me from leaving him. It would have been the same ol' thing. Nothing had changed inside him, no sudden desire to marry me or start a life together.

 

It was absolutely not what I wanted. That situation turned me off from him forever. I said no to the ring and left him for good. Of course, it was much much more complicated, him and all of his family made sure I felt horribly guilty for not having waited more time, etc etc.

 

OP, in all honesty, you can lead a horse to the water, you cannot make him drink. It's like a process inside their head that needs to take place. As long as you really want that ring, he just won't give it to you. It's like... I dunno, he needs his time to want it. And if you rush it, you spoil it. I've spoiled it. and then, when it finally came, I was so over it, I was so so so sick and tired of waiting for it, that I couldn't stand its sight.

 

Read a bit about the dynamics, in a couple. You cannot manipulate him into giving you a ring, by nagging him, talking him into it or leaving him. You have zero power of leverage, here. I think you did the only sane thing you could. Leave for good.

[candie13]

He never once said " I do not want to marry you". If I asked where our relationship was going, he would say "we are seeing if we are compatible enough to get married" (he said this to the therapist and the therapist said it was now just an excuse after 3.5 years). Or he would say "well yea the idea of us being together is to eventually get married and have a family".

I think he is convinced by what he was saying. Too bad it just never happened.

 

People don't fall inlove at the same pace, it's just as f*cked up as that. Timing really is everything. He's ready when he's ready and not a moment sooner. And when he is ready (if he ever is), he'll prob end up marrying the first woman crossing his path, willing to marry him.

 

From what you said about his previous RS, he had a thing for severely damaged women, emotionally unavailable. PErhaps he is emotionally unavailable himself. Maybe he didn't propose because you are healthy and well and predictable and reliable.

 

Some people act normal, but deep down, they are sick. Look at his RS with his parents, if they were abusing drugs or substances or if they physically or emotionally abused him. Especially his mother. that creates trauma and leaves deep marks.

[Emilia]

I don't think men turn around and suddenly realise they made a mistake after having 3.5 years to decide. It doesn't pay to do so much, to do all this work, provide everything and not getting commitment. Unfortunately people don't wake up suddenly one day realising what they lost.

 

This is why what you give and what you receive must be balanced

[BC1980]

For me however, I think am interested in hearing if there was anyone in his position, that was stubborn and if they ever realized after what a mistake they made. Personally, I know he screwed up, but do men realize that they screwed up? When does that finally hit him?

 

I think that was my biggest thing, for 9 months prior to me leaving I kept saying "hellloo, what are you going to do when I walk out some day because of no marriage?!" he would just wave me off..and I sit and wonder, if it will ever hit him.

 

I don't think my ex ever regretted it. I mean, I don't know for sure, but he got engaged to someone else and got married relatively quickly after he dumped me. I never asked him if he regretted dumping me because I was NC, but I'd say he probably feels he made the right decision. I think he probably regretted that it didn't work out. He regretted that I wasn't the right woman for him. I truly think his goal was to recreate his first marriage. When we broke up, he expressed tremendous regret that he was losing what he had hoped would be his "new family." He said that at times, he felt like he had his family back, and he was sad to loose it.

 

He never really said anything about being sad to loose me as a person, and, when I thought back on it, I realized he probably never appreciated me as a person. I was just someone to fill a need in his life. He wanted a wife and a mother for his son. Maybe he found that with his new wife. I don't know. Maybe it's a rebound. I have no clue. He was the type that just wanted a wife to be there, but he wasn't interested in actually putting effort into a relationship. He worked a lot and wasn't around too much. I really did love him for who he was, but that love just wasn't reciprocated to the same degree.

[BC1980]

Quite honestly, I have thought about this. I knew he loved me, but I wondered if he didn't love me quite enough, thus the vicious cycle.

 

And it's hard to accept that someone might not reciprocate the love you feel. We tend to project our feelings onto other people because we have no other reference point. It's extremely hurtful and a blow to our egos, so we cope with it by denial. We see what we want to see. In my case, I ignored all the blatant signs of ambivalence because it was just too painful. I think we all know that person who stays in a relationship way too long, and we can all see the truth on the outside. I became that person, and I now understand why it's so difficult to leave. I applaud you for having the courage to leave.

[MaryJaneDoe]

I think he is convinced by what he was saying. Too bad it just never happened.

 

People don't fall inlove at the same pace, it's just as f*cked up as that. Timing really is everything. He's ready when he's ready and not a moment sooner. And when he is ready (if he ever is), he'll prob end up marrying the first woman crossing his path, willing to marry him.

 

From what you said about his previous RS, he had a thing for severely damaged women, emotionally unavailable. PErhaps he is emotionally unavailable himself. Maybe he didn't propose because you are healthy and well and predictable and reliable.

 

Some people act normal, but deep down, they are sick. Look at his RS with his parents, if they were abusing drugs or substances or if they physically or emotionally abused him. Especially his mother. that creates trauma and leaves deep marks.

 

 

I would say the same to someone else that is in this situation, to check the parents. You know the expression, they had a leave it to beaver family? Yea, that was his, a truly supportive family, very loving. In fact, I loved them! I have no idea where he could of saw and yearned for a screwed up relationship. Boggles my mind.

[candie13]

grand parents. For real. They say that abuse in itself skips a generation, at time, but the behavior of abuse remains.

 

In the end, it's like BC was putting it, I and you and her, we were just not the one. Basic sh*t.

 

My ex turned around with a ring and said he regretted it, but only when he felt I was really and totally over it. How do you spell commitmentphobic, again? The thing is, I know if I had taken the ring, nothing would have changed. That's the real sad thing. Like, if your ex proposes to you, it'll still change nothing. He won't mean it. It's just not working. We're not it, for them.

 

There's something else, in the stars, for us.

[MaryJaneDoe]

Here is update all:

 

Now 9 months since my break up, I am currently very happy living the single/dating life and have no desire to get back with him. Some time and space made me realize I was never 100% happy with him, and that there is a better match for me out there.

 

As for him, he is dating someone who our circle of friends know very well, and she has spent time harassing me even though I explained to her I want nothing to do with him.

That is when I realized he really was the one with the issues, not I.

 

Thanks all!!!

[BC1980]

Here is update all:

 

Now 9 months since my break up, I am currently very happy living the single/dating life and have no desire to get back with him. Some time and space made me realize I was never 100% happy with him, and that there is a better match for me out there.

 

As for him, he is dating someone who our circle of friends know very well, and she has spent time harassing me even though I explained to her I want nothing to do with him.

That is when I realized he really was the one with the issues, not I.

 

Thanks all!!!

 

Great to hear all of this! I think he would have jumped at the chance to marry you if he were serious. The fact that he is dating someone else will probably help you move on quicker. It did for me.