luna97 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. This guy has become a great friend of mine and recently we got to know each other on a more personal level. Phone calls every night, going out to eat (it was never labeled as a date) or to animal rescue centers (we both love animals). We actually work together. And we flirt a lot. Lots of teasing, nobody at work has an issue with it. I don't think they realize we are actually attracted to each other though; mostly because of how openly we flirt, and the fact that he is a lot older than me. (Old enough to be my father) One night after our phone call, he texted me and said he wanted to tell me something but he didn't know how to. I told him to just tell me. He confessed his feelings for me and said he didn't know what to do. We called each other again, talked about it briefly, he asked if I felt the same, and in the moment I was afraid and said no. We had a normal conversation immediately after. About 20 minutes after that phone call it was bothering me that I told him no. I felt that since he was honest with me, I should be honest with him. So I texted him and confessed my feelings. We called each other again and I told him I needed to get it off my chest but I still want to remain good friends. He seemed hurt. I felt awful. I still wish I'd never confessed. He said it would be harder to get over me since he now knows I like him too. He said his feelings will only grow stronger. He asked why I didn't want a relationship and I said that the fact that our age difference is so large is an issue. Also, I have trouble even making friends, I'm very anxious in social situations and it took me a long time to even open up to him as a friend. I've never had a boyfriend, and the thought of being in a relationship with someone makes me feel very uneasy. He said he needed time and I was extremely worried I ruined this friendship. Eventually he said we can stay friends if I want that, but he said he will continue to pursue me. He said if I'm ok with that then we're friends. I just feel awful? I feel like a bad person for flirting with him and like I led him on. What do I do. I really want things back to how they were. 1
266696687 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. This guy has become a great friend of mine and recently we got to know each other on a more personal level. Phone calls every night, going out to eat (it was never labeled as a date) or to animal rescue centers (we both love animals). We actually work together. And we flirt a lot. Lots of teasing, nobody at work has an issue with it. I don't think they realize we are actually attracted to each other though; mostly because of how openly we flirt, and the fact that he is a lot older than me. (Old enough to be my father) One night after our phone call, he texted me and said he wanted to tell me something but he didn't know how to. I told him to just tell me. He confessed his feelings for me and said he didn't know what to do. We called each other again, talked about it briefly, he asked if I felt the same, and in the moment I was afraid and said no. We had a normal conversation immediately after. About 20 minutes after that phone call it was bothering me that I told him no. I felt that since he was honest with me, I should be honest with him. So I texted him and confessed my feelings. We called each other again and I told him I needed to get it off my chest but I still want to remain good friends. He seemed hurt. I felt awful. I still wish I'd never confessed. He said it would be harder to get over me since he now knows I like him too. He said his feelings will only grow stronger. He asked why I didn't want a relationship and I said that the fact that our age difference is so large is an issue. Also, I have trouble even making friends, I'm very anxious in social situations and it took me a long time to even open up to him as a friend. I've never had a boyfriend, and the thought of being in a relationship with someone makes me feel very uneasy. He said he needed time and I was extremely worried I ruined this friendship. Eventually he said we can stay friends if I want that, but he said he will continue to pursue me. He said if I'm ok with that then we're friends. I just feel awful? I feel like a bad person for flirting with him and like I led him on. What do I do. I really want things back to how they were. Before I give you advice how old are you?
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Before I give you advice how old are you? Luna97 so I guess 18
266696687 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Luna97 so I guess 18 Look you're 19 years old don't worry about it. He is what double your age at least? He should be grown up enough to respect and accept your decision. He has far more years experience in life and relationships than you (he has the advantage here) don't feel pressured into being with him or dating him just because you feel bad. He shouldn't be making you feel bad about your choice. You do not have to date him if you are uncomfortable about the age difference. if you want to date him make sure you take things at your pace (not his) and only do what you are comfortable with. Remember again he is far more experienced than you and will have an Arsenal of previous experience that he has learned from that can be used against you to his advantage. When you are young and inexperienced sometimes it's better to date someone your own age and you can be young and inexperienced together. It's a learning process. With someone much older (not saying this is the case here) but there is the potential for him to take advantage of you. 1
266696687 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Luna97 so I guess 18 Thanks. I did wonder about the 97 but wanted to make sure I wasn't just assuming she was young. 1
Author luna97 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Look you're 19 years old don't worry about it. He is what double your age at least? He should be grown up enough to respect and accept your decision. He has far more years experience in life and relationships than you (he has the advantage here) don't feel pressured into being with him or dating him just because you feel bad. He shouldn't be making you feel bad about your choice. You do not have to date him if you are uncomfortable about the age difference. if you want to date him make sure you take things at your pace (not his) and only do what you are comfortable with. Remember again he is far more experienced than you and will have an Arsenal of previous experience that he has learned from that can be used against you to his advantage. When you are young and inexperienced sometimes it's better to date someone your own age and you can be young and inexperienced together. It's a learning process. With someone much older (not saying this is the case here) but there is the potential for him to take advantage of you. You have a really good point. I appreciate it.
Author luna97 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Is he married? No, not married. And he doesn't have any kids.
Robratory Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 No, not married. And he doesn't have any kids. Pros: He's apparently not a creep. You're attracted to him. Cons: He's twice your age. You work with him. What will happen at work if you two get involved and then break up? That's really the biggest problem. There's really no good way out of this dilemma. You need to cool it with the flirting. Be pleasant, cordial, and friendly, but be no more flirty with him than you'd be with your brother or father. And if the very thought makes you go ewwww! so much the better. And if he does pursue you, tell him not to. As for your social anxiety, look, if you're aware of it, you owe it to yourself to do something about it. It's a treatable condition. Don't just live with it!
RRM321 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) When you are young and inexperienced sometimes it's better to date someone your own age and you can be young and inexperienced together. It's a learning process. This (above) is a really good point to keep in mind. Even if you ignore the real potential for you to be taken advantage of, there is still the question of why an older man's best friend is someone half his age of the opposite sex? Why (other than the obvious) is he so interested in pursuing such young companionship and a relationship? The very reason you get along with him so well may point to an immaturity that works in this circumstance but, in a relationship would become a more serious problem if you yourself mature beyond him intellectually, emotionally, and romantically. I get that he's not a creep but, your social anxiety is a real concern because it's a personality trait that might make you more vulnerable to subtle forms of manipulation. He need not be a monster to be wrong for you, and this may not become readily apparent until your in too deep. Consider for example - the level of guilt already being applied to you by virtue of his reaction to your wishes. You're already questioning if you should compromise your own instincts to please him. Edited March 6, 2016 by RRM321 2
266696687 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) This (above) is a really good point to keep in mind. Even if you ignore the real potential for you to be taken advantage of, there is still the question of why an older man's best friend is someone half his age of the opposite sex? Why (other than the obvious) is he so interested in pursuing such young companionship and a relationship? The very reason you get along with him so well may point to an immaturity that works in this circumstance but, in a relationship would become a more serious problem if you yourself mature beyond him intellectually, emotionally, and romantically. I get that he's not a creep but, your social anxiety is a real concern because it's a personality trait that might make you more vulnerable to subtle forms of manipulation. He need not be a monster to be wrong for you, and this may not become readily apparent until your in too deep. Consider for example - the level of guilt already being applied to you by virtue of his reaction to your wishes. Yes and she doesn't have a wide support network (due to social anxiety she finds it difficult to make friends) - she's vulnerable to him being an experienced older man. She is right to question his intentions and interest. She's clearly got her head screwed on straight as she came here seeking advice. I think she is already aware of all of this and came here to get an outside perspective. You are right on the guilt as well. It's subtle manipulation. He is older and experienced and is using a guilt trip to try and sway her decision. A decent man would understand and respect the decision of a 19 year old not wanting to pursue a relationship with them due to the age difference. I like you don't think he is necessarily a monster here. He has treated her well so far but he has the knowledge and experience to put his skills to use to use her vulnerabilities against her. She's at a clear disadvantage here. Edited March 6, 2016 by 266696687 1
Erik30 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You shouldn't feel bad, he's a grown man who's acting like a teen. The other posters are right, he's manipulating you. He's not really you're friend if he says you'll have to accept that he's still going to chase you, and saying his feelings will grow stronger. Now he's basically only going to hang out with you until you change your mind about him. 1
Author luna97 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 I defenitely don't feel that he has ill intentions, especially after the heart to heart conversations that we have had. I do see the possibility of manipulation but I can't help but wonder if that's just his poorly expressed way of being really interested. But I don't want to trust my feelings because I realize that my lack of experience and young age might make me blind to something I'm not seeing. I still don't know what to do, but I do know that I'm not going to let him make a decision for me. I do feel bad still but I won't let that influence what I want. I would like to be friends with him still, and I think that if he really cares about me he might be able to settle for just friends. (Especially if the only other alternative is to not talk to me at all)
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I would like to be friends with him still, and I think that if he really cares about me he might be able to settle for just friends. (Especially if the only other alternative is to not talk to me at all) Grown men tend to not want to be "just friends" with women, especially not 19 year old virgins that they want to pursue... The fact he has told you he wants you and will continue to pursue you, will make it impossible to go back to the friendly relationship you once enjoyed. 4
Author luna97 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Grown men tend to not want to be "just friends" with women, especially not 19 year old virgins that they want to pursue... The fact he has told you he wants you and will continue to pursue you, will make it impossible to go back to the friendly relationship you once enjoyed. You're right, this is so frustrating
bu2002 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 There's nothing for you to feel bad about. He confessed his feelings, you openly stated why you want to remain friends due to the age factor. He clearly knows where you stand. You also know where he stands. He will continue to want to hang out with your and spend time with you in the hopes you magically change your mind. By remaining friends with you, it keeps his fantasy alive. He truly doesn't believe "it's over", even you've clearly indicated this is happening. IMO, this is starting to go down the path of a FWB. There's a physical attraction, but a red flag that gets in the way of a long term relationship. At some point, it's not surprising for adults to cave in to physical needs. My fear is that if it happens, he will be deluded into thinking he's "got you", when reality your stance hasn't change. You're just consenting adults exploring your sexuality with each other if it turns into a FWB arrangement.
RRM321 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) I defenitely don't feel that he has ill intentions, especially after the heart to heart conversations that we have had. I do see the possibility of manipulation but I can't help but wonder if that's just his poorly expressed way of being really interested. But I don't want to trust my feelings because I realize that my lack of experience and young age might make me blind to something I'm not seeing. I still don't know what to do, but I do know that I'm not going to let him make a decision for me. I do feel bad still but I won't let that influence what I want. I would like to be friends with him still, and I think that if he really cares about me he might be able to settle for just friends. (Especially if the only other alternative is to not talk to me at all) The red flag here is his all or nothing proposition, you go with these expressed emotions or he walks away entirely. A mountain requires careful dexterity to ascend but, once peaked - gravity can do the rest in ways you may not expect or want. Tread lightly, and heed the weather forecast. I've been that older guy crushing on the younger girl (yes, I am intentionally saying not quite a woman) and I can tell you that the mature thing for the man to do is re-examine those feelings (without expressing them) and why they are misdirected at someone who is too young and not realistically capable to meet my needs. My friendship didn't end, those feelings were never expressed and faded quickly when properly attributed to something missing in me - rather than something present in the relationship. Edited March 6, 2016 by RRM321
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You're right, this is so frustrating Yes and that is why you need to cut this off now. Sending mixed messages will frustrate him and then there is the possibility he will get angry eventually when he may get the wrong idea, think he is getting somewhere, and you again stop him in his tracks. Better he sees there is no hope, than for you to string him along as "friends". As this is also a work relationship, you do not want this to get messy and you end up losing your job.
RRM321 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 About 20 minutes after that phone call it was bothering me that I told him no. I felt that since he was honest with me, I should be honest with him. So I texted him and confessed my feelings. We called each other again and I told him I needed to get it off my chest but I still want to remain good friends. This is worth thinking about because your actions and desires do not match. Your desire was to remain at friendship yet - you shared feelings in response to his perceived needs. I don't think you had fully processed your feelings yet, and that is why you chose not to reveal them in the earlier conversation. While this is not the most striking form of manipulation - it is consent by guilt, and you need to take more care to pay closer attention to your own intentions. This will be especially true if he continues to pursue you against your true wishes.
Popsicle Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. This guy has become a great friend of mine and recently we got to know each other on a more personal level. Phone calls every night, going out to eat (it was never labeled as a date) or to animal rescue centers (we both love animals). We actually work together. And we flirt a lot. Lots of teasing, nobody at work has an issue with it. I don't think they realize we are actually attracted to each other though; mostly because of how openly we flirt, and the fact that he is a lot older than me. (Old enough to be my father) One night after our phone call, he texted me and said he wanted to tell me something but he didn't know how to. I told him to just tell me. He confessed his feelings for me and said he didn't know what to do. We called each other again, talked about it briefly, he asked if I felt the same, and in the moment I was afraid and said no. We had a normal conversation immediately after. About 20 minutes after that phone call it was bothering me that I told him no. I felt that since he was honest with me, I should be honest with him. So I texted him and confessed my feelings. We called each other again and I told him I needed to get it off my chest but I still want to remain good friends. He seemed hurt. I felt awful. I still wish I'd never confessed. He said it would be harder to get over me since he now knows I like him too. He said his feelings will only grow stronger. He asked why I didn't want a relationship and I said that the fact that our age difference is so large is an issue. Also, I have trouble even making friends, I'm very anxious in social situations and it took me a long time to even open up to him as a friend. I've never had a boyfriend, and the thought of being in a relationship with someone makes me feel very uneasy. He said he needed time and I was extremely worried I ruined this friendship. Eventually he said we can stay friends if I want that, but he said he will continue to pursue me. He said if I'm ok with that then we're friends. I just feel awful? I feel like a bad person for flirting with him and like I led him on. What do I do. I really want things back to how they were. Ugh, why on earth did you say no?!?! You can still fix this. If you like him, tell him and tell him that you made a mistake in not telling him the truth, due to being nervous and flustered. He may think you're too immature or risky and reject you, or he may forgive you and it'll be okay.
Popsicle Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 He said he was going to keep pursuing you, but I doubt he will make any moves on you aside from a little flirting. He just said that to let you know that he refuses to be friendzoned. Which probably means that once you stop returning the flirting to him (because you don't want to lead him on), he will lose his drive and start a slow fade with regard to being friends.
Erik30 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Ugh, why on earth did you say no?!?! You can still fix this. If you like him, tell him and tell him that you made a mistake in not telling him the truth, due to being nervous and flustered. He may think you're too immature or risky and reject you, or he may forgive you and it'll be okay. Wow really? Forgive her for what? There were plenty of reasons for her to say no. And he's being the immature one, not her.
Popsicle Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Wow really? Forgive her for what? There were plenty of reasons for her to say no. And he's being the immature one, not her. Why because he's older?
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Why because he's older? Because she doesn't want a "proper" relationship with a man so much older, she just wants the friendship to remain as is.
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