Jubawa Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Hello, So I've been seeing this girl and I believe that things were going well, I guess. We've been sending each other texts quite regularly but haven't seen each other for a while because both of us are quite busy (last time we saw each other was over a month ago) and been on 3 or 4 dates only. We were supposed to have a date this week-end, but she cancelled because she had a family reunion but admitted that it was for her plans to continue her studies in another country for which she planned to move by the end of the month. We met through her best friend, who is my cousin and we're both quite close. So time to time I tell her how things are going between her bestie and me. My cousin was surprised that we often texted each other and was surprised of the personal things she told me about herself because she's a very reserved person that reveals things to anyone - that's a sign she's into me according to her. Although our relationship is at its inception, I've been thinking (maybe overthinking) on whether or not we should carry on seeing each other if she's moving in a different country. I admit that I'm into her and I haven't liked a girl in a very long time (over 2 years). But don't know her opinion. I just need some advice on that one. I don't really have people I can talk to. My cousin is obviously telling me to go for a long distance relationship and another friend is telling me to finish things off. 1
Satu Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) There just isn't enough of a relationship here to survive the challenges inherent in long distance relationships. Let this one go. Edited March 6, 2016 by Satu 3
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 LDRs are hard, they need a "solid" bond established before they can really work, and they usually need a fixed end date, so that there is some goal to strive for. There is neither here. By all means continue the friendly texting if you want, but this is not going to work out if you hardly see each other anyway (only 3-4 dates) and she will be moving to study elsewhere. 2
Author Jubawa Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Thanks. That was my initial thought but I like having the benefit of the doubt. I believe (or want to believe) that there was something promising that was starting, I guess that's why I may be overthinking this. 1
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Hello, So I've been seeing this girl and I believe that things were going well, I guess. We've been sending each other texts quite regularly but haven't seen each other for a while because both of us are quite busy (last time we saw each other was over a month ago) and been on 3 or 4 dates only You are not long distance yet and were not able to have a date in 1 month. Imagine long distance now. Maybe you'll see her once every 6 months? maybe once a year? . We were supposed to have a date this week-end, but she cancelled because she had a family reunion but admitted that it was for her plans to continue her studies in another country for which she planned to move by the end of the month. . Do you mean she first lie to you about why she was cancelling the date? And do you mean she just told you, after 4 dates, that she is planning on leaving the country? Personally, I don't think she's into you as much as you're into her. She'll leave for her study, you'll be living in limbo not knowing if she is dating others, etc. Not worth it at all. Why would you put yourself through that purposely. Find yourself someone local. Someone you can spend time with, have fun with, someone you can kiss and hold. That's a relationship. 1
Author Jubawa Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 You are not long distance yet and were not able to have a date in 1 month. Imagine long distance now. Maybe you'll see her once every 6 months? maybe once a year? Do you mean she first lie to you about why she was cancelling the date? And do you mean she just told you, after 4 dates, that she is planning on leaving the country? Personally, I don't think she's into you as much as you're into her. She'll leave for her study, you'll be living in limbo not knowing if she is dating others, etc. Not worth it at all. Why would you put yourself through that purposely. Find yourself someone local. Someone you can spend time with, have fun with, someone you can kiss and hold. That's a relationship. No she didn't lie. She basically cancelled because the family reunion where they would discuss that move. To be fair I'm applying for another job in a different country and I don't know if I'd take it if I get an offer (I, myself moved in a year and a half ago, I'm getting used to my new life here), most likely not. But she doesn't know about it either. But it's clear that I'm more into her than she is so I think you're 100% right in your comment... I should look elsewhere. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 How about you keep in touch while you are apart but do not call yourselves BF/GF. No strings. Catch as catch can with no expectation of regular contact. Remain free to date other people who are more local. When you are both physically in the same place again, see how you feel then 2
mortensorchid Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 LDRs are hard. I have been in three in my lifetime (my high school sweetheart was two years older than me and he went away to college and I stayed in high school which lasted four years in total, and two others as an adult one that lasted about a year and another that lasted two years), and I have this to say about them: 1) Where you are in life - How old are the two of you? There is a difference based on your ages because you are in different mindsets at different points in your life. The things that are important to you when you are 20 are not the same things that are important to you when you're 40. Fact. I think that people in their early/mid 20s are still kids (even though you don't think you are), and the men are terrified of committing and the women are in hysterics thinking this is their last chance at love/marriage when it's not. 2) How often you see each other - If you are not seeing each other at least once a month, you will do a lot of fantasizing thinking that this person is wonderful and the place they live is a magical land when it's just another geographic location. And when you are seeing each other you are in this big rush to jump in the sack and that only ends up feeding the fantasy even further. 3) THe future - Do you want to have a future confined to car travel and airports? It's not a big deal if you love the person and you are committed, but if you end up having to always go to that person and they always have a reason or an excuse as to why they can't come see you but have time to do other things, reset your priorities. Personally, I would continue to see others in your hometown and communicate with this woman on the side. If and when a trip to see each other is involved, so be it, but don't reject other options. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Let's say you meet someone locally, are together for awhile, and then one person moves away. That type of LDR makes sense to me. If the relationship is good and there is trust/commitment, go for it. But the LDR I've never understood is where two strangers on the internet want to meet and start dating someone that lives far away. You should always explore options locally to where you can actually spend time with the person. I mean who wants to start off primarily dating their phone? 1
venusishername Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 As someone who is currently in a LDR, almost 5 months now... I would say based on what you have told us, there is not much, if any, investment on either end to sustain a real relationship. If you're texting back and forth, (I didn't read that you said anything about any actual phone calls?), and have seen each other only sporadically with no real definite goal to meet again, you don't have what it takes to make it happen. Let it go. The only way I can see it working, as it has for me, is if there is daily, if not almost daily contact, long phone conversations (texting doesn't cut it), regular meetings, and an end goal in sight to see each other again and/or close the distance. My bf and I actually had serious conversations about the 'title' of our relationship too, he asked me to be his girlfriend very early on, and there was no doubt in my mind that we were dating exclusively. You don't have that with this girl, right?
Author Jubawa Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 As someone who is currently in a LDR, almost 5 months now... I would say based on what you have told us, there is not much, if any, investment on either end to sustain a real relationship. If you're texting back and forth, (I didn't read that you said anything about any actual phone calls?), and have seen each other only sporadically with no real definite goal to meet again, you don't have what it takes to make it happen. Let it go. The only way I can see it working, as it has for me, is if there is daily, if not almost daily contact, long phone conversations (texting doesn't cut it), regular meetings, and an end goal in sight to see each other again and/or close the distance. My bf and I actually had serious conversations about the 'title' of our relationship too, he asked me to be his girlfriend very early on, and there was no doubt in my mind that we were dating exclusively. You don't have that with this girl, right? We call each other very little, basically because I work all day and get home often late and often work on week ends too. But no, we don't have what you have with your bf. I honestly think that because I started dating again (after a painful breakup and weird hook-ups) I want something good to happen. I reject most girls I meet and she's the first I've liked in a very long time. So I really wanted it to work. If I want to be honest with myself, I don't think it's worth having a LDR, especially if there's no prior relationship. It cannot truly start with us being separated for I don't know how long (she's not my Intended after all!).
Author Jubawa Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 LDRs are hard. I have been in three in my lifetime (my high school sweetheart was two years older than me and he went away to college and I stayed in high school which lasted four years in total, and two others as an adult one that lasted about a year and another that lasted two years), and I have this to say about them: 1) Where you are in life - How old are the two of you? There is a difference based on your ages because you are in different mindsets at different points in your life. The things that are important to you when you are 20 are not the same things that are important to you when you're 40. Fact. I think that people in their early/mid 20s are still kids (even though you don't think you are), and the men are terrified of committing and the women are in hysterics thinking this is their last chance at love/marriage when it's not. 2) How often you see each other - If you are not seeing each other at least once a month, you will do a lot of fantasizing thinking that this person is wonderful and the place they live is a magical land when it's just another geographic location. And when you are seeing each other you are in this big rush to jump in the sack and that only ends up feeding the fantasy even further. 3) THe future - Do you want to have a future confined to car travel and airports? It's not a big deal if you love the person and you are committed, but if you end up having to always go to that person and they always have a reason or an excuse as to why they can't come see you but have time to do other things, reset your priorities. Personally, I would continue to see others in your hometown and communicate with this woman on the side. If and when a trip to see each other is involved, so be it, but don't reject other options. I totally agree with you. It makes perfect sense and it's in line with what people are saying (I kind of feel stupid or childish or both). I'm 26 (27 this year) and she's 23 (24 next month). I'm going to do what you suggested and continue seeing others and without loosing touch with her, for when/if she comes back (and we'll see where things stand). I shouldn't be fixed on one single person.
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