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My girlfriend really wants to be friends with her ex-boyfriend, who cheated on her.

funsun04

By funsun04
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funsun04 New Member

funsun04

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Me: 25M

Her: 23F

 

My girlfriend, Sally, of 5-6 months really wants to be friends with her ex boyfriend of 2.5 years and I'm trying to wrap my head around this entire situation. Backstory: She dated him in college. They were madly in love and she still really cherishes the times she's spent with him during college. She has told me before that she missed him because he was an influential person in her life, and now wants to be friends so they can have a good time and laugh together. They broke up 1.5 years ago because he moved away for grad school. They stayed together initially, but eventually he started seeing someone else at his grad school without even breaking it off with Sally. He would act distant but she knew he was cheating on her because the other girl would post relationship posts with him on fb. They broke up, she was heartbroken. She then spends the next 1.5 years dating 10+ guys. Eventually she meets me and we've been together for 5-6 months.

 

Ever since the start of our relationship I would have minor suspicions that she was still into her ex, and even the guys she dated this past year. She would stalk some of them on Facebook semi frequently. She tells me she does that because they were great people and she wants to know how their life is going. I brush this off as I thought that's just something she enjoys and it won't affect us. But over time her ex comes up in conversation, like back over winter break she said "hey I was wondering if I could hangout with my ex alone". I told her no I was uncomfortable, and she said okay and cancelled plans with him. But after this conversation, she continued to plan two different group hangouts with their mutual friends and invited him, without even letting me know. She literally told me today "I was gonna hangout with him in a group setting no matter what you said, even if you were uncomfortable because that's an overreaction and unnecessary." This was a red flag for me, as her ex who cheated on her is more important than my comfort.

 

I never do this, but her Facebook was open and I went through her Facebook chat with him, and she would sometimes text him questions like two months ago she said ”hey I have your tshirt and I'm hanging with *mutual friend* later this week, do u wanna come and I'll give it to you." Apparently it was an important tshirt for him, as she says. And then today she texted him after months of no contact asking for help with her speeding ticket violation and how to resolve it. She could have easily googled information or gotten it from reddit like she usually does. But no she texted him to test their friendship. His responses are always very minimal, he isn't interested in her anymore but she keeps contacting him to be friends with him. On someone that cheated on her! I try to tell her to have some self respect for yourself because this guy cheated on her, and doesn't want to be her friend, but she still she wants that emotional connection with him because he was a big part of her life in college. Am I being crazy for saying this?

 

At this point I'm not comfortable with her even talking to him. He was a dick, who cheated on her, and disrespected her. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this situation on why she really badly wants to be his friend, and if that's even okay for us. If anyone can shed some light on this I would greatly appreciate it, thank you.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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When you love someone and you feel you have something special, it's hard to face when the other person doesn't feel that way. She is struggling with acknowledging that it was easier for him to move on. It's hard for her to accept that, she is trying to prove that she had meant something/a lot to him.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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She still has feelings for him and is pursuing him right in front of your face.

 

No, she doesn't need to be friends with him. I would give her an ultimatum, it's him or me. You really want to live in the shadow of an ex.

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funsun04 New Member

funsun04

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When you love someone and you feel you have something special, it's hard to face when the other person doesn't feel that way. She is struggling with acknowledging that it was easier for him to move on. It's hard for her to accept that, she is trying to prove that she had meant something/a lot to him.

 

This may be true, but how should I approach this with her? Is it even worth being in a relationship where she has those attachments with her ex still?

fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

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At this point I'm not comfortable with her even talking to him. He was a dick, who cheated on her, and disrespected her. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this situation on why she really badly wants to be his friend, and if that's even okay for us. If anyone can shed some light on this I would greatly appreciate it, thank you.

 

Neither one of you is being honest in this situation.

 

1) You claim that you want her to stay away from him because he cheated on her, was a dick to her, etc.. But isn't the truth that you're worried she still has feelings for him? If this is the case, then you have to question the deeper issue which is "Can I trust her?" Personally, I don't think you can based on her actions.

 

2) She claims to just want to be friends. But it come off like she still has feelings for the guy and wants him in her life so she can feel out if there is anything still there. This was a guy she was with for 2 1/2 years that she was madly in love with. You're a guy she's been dating for 5-6 months. So of the two, who do you think is more expendable to her?

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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She can be friends with him.

 

You just don't have to be in this High School Drama to watch it and see the fall-out....

 

Let her go.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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She still has feelings for her ex. It's quite obvious, and she prioritizes that over her relationship with you.

 

I would break it off with her. It's not going to end well for you.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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This was a guy she was with for 2 1/2 years that she was madly in love with. You're a guy she's been dating for 5-6 months. So of the two, who do you think is more expendable to her?

 

This is unfortunately true.

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funsun04 New Member

funsun04

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Neither one of you is being honest in this situation.

 

1) You claim that you want her to stay away from him because he cheated on her, was a dick to her, etc.. But isn't the truth that you're worried she still has feelings for him? If this is the case, then you have to question the deeper issue which is "Can I trust her?" Personally, I don't think you can based on her actions.

 

2) She claims to just want to be friends. But it come off like she still has feelings for the guy and wants him in her life so she can feel out if there is anything still there. This was a guy she was with for 2 1/2 years that she was madly in love with. You're a guy she's been dating for 5-6 months. So of the two, who do you think is more expendable to her?

 

Oh I guess I never expressed it but yeah I am worried she might have feelings for him. That's my number one worry and I've even communicated that to my girlfriend. She assures me that she doesn't have feelings for him though. She says she just wants to be friends that can hangout and laugh together.

 

From your comment in #2, do I just drop an ultimatum then if I'm the more expendable one to see if she would rather pick a potential friendship with her ex or continue a relationship with me?

Edited by funsun04
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Oh I guess I never expressed it but yeah I am worried she might have feelings for him. That's my number one worry.

 

Do I drop an ultimatum then if I'm the more expendable one to see if she would rather pick a potential friendship with her ex or continue a relationship with me?

 

There is no might. She does.

 

She wouldn't be trying so hard to see him if she didn't.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Do I drop an ultimatum then if I'm the more expendable one to see if she would rather pick a potential friendship with her ex or continue a relationship with me?

 

You don't do it as an ultimatum.

 

You just tell her you see the situation for what it really is - that she is still hopeful for him - and tell her you don't want to be a party to that process and it is obvious she isn't ready for another relationship.

 

And you end it.

 

In the long run, you will feel better about it all.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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She says she just wants to be friends that can hangout and laugh together.

 

...and that is exactly what you do with a guy who cheated on you, unless of course you love him and want him back.

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funsun04 New Member

funsun04

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There is no might. She does.

 

She wouldn't be trying so hard to see him if she didn't.

 

I'm not entirely sure if she's trying that hard though to see him. He was finally back in California from grad school during winter break and I guess she tried to see him in a group setting behind my back. Probably because it was her only opportunity to ever do it since he was finally back. But other than that she only texts him once every 2-3 months to ask a question and to see how he's doing.

 

Pretty much something in the back of my mind is telling me she actually might not like him and is being truthful. Or that's just my brain attempting to keep the relationship alive... Thoughts?

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funsun04 New Member

funsun04

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...and that is exactly what you do with a guy who cheated on you, unless of course you love him and want him back.

 

She told me that she wasn't mad at him for cheating on her. She was mad that he didn't tell her about it and wasted months of her life while she thought they were still together. She literally told me that she kinda realizes why he cheated on her, because it was long distance. Like what? Is that normal? I keep telling her that this guy disrespected you ENTIRELY and you still want to be his friend? I guess she was just madly in love with him and just can't let that go huh?

Edited by funsun04
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I'm not entirely sure if she's trying that hard though to see him. He was finally back in California from grad school during winter break and I guess she tried to see him in a group setting behind my back. Probably because it was her only opportunity to ever do it since he was finally back. But other than that she only texts him once every 2-3 months to ask a question and to see how he's doing.

 

Pretty much something in the back of my mind is telling me she actually might not like him and is being truthful. Or that's just my brain attempting to keep the relationship alive... Thoughts?

 

You're deep in denial.

 

I'm a woman too. I have never tried to keep in contact with an ex-boyfriend like she does. There's a reason she keeps contacting him, and it's not good. You yourself said she wants to be friends with him; he apparently doesn't give a crap about her anymore. What does that tell you?

 

Sorry, but you're blinding yourself to the truth.

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I think she rationalised it and she isn't wrong.

 

I would ask her to cut contact with him and I would guage from her reaction where I stand.

AndOrchid Established Member

AndOrchid

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I'm not entirely sure if she's trying that hard though to see him. He was finally back in California from grad school during winter break and I guess she tried to see him in a group setting behind my back. Probably because it was her only opportunity to ever do it since he was finally back. But other than that she only texts him once every 2-3 months to ask a question and to see how he's doing.

 

Pretty much something in the back of my mind is telling me she actually might not like him and is being truthful. Or that's just my brain attempting to keep the relationship alive... Thoughts?

 

It's just your brain.

 

It is really graringly obvious that she still has feelings for him. I think the only reason she texts him infrequently, as you say, is that he is not really engaging in the text exchanges. But she kept trying to see him over winter break, probably because she was hoping that in person he may react differently and stir back old feelings.

 

She has other friends she can hang out with and laugh with, I assume. And presumably, you should be a more important person in her life at this point. So unless they were best friends before they dated, the only reason she is pursuing a friendship with this guy, at the expense of your feelings at that, is because she is not over him.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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She told me that she wasn't mad at him for cheating on her. She was mad that he didn't tell her about it and wasted months of her life while she thought they were still together. She literally told me that she kinda realizes why he cheated on her, because it was long distance. Like what? Is that normal? I keep telling her that this guy disrespected you ENTIRELY and you still want to be his friend? I guess she was just madly in love with him and just can't let that go huh?

 

Break up with her. She will either give up on trying to build a friendship with him and reconnect with you or she will let you go.

 

ASK her how she would feel if the situation was reversed? If it was YOU chasing and contacting your ex. I bet she'd be upset, feel jealous and be concerned why you were spending energy on someone who hurt you, treated you poorly and cheated on you.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I think the only reason she texts him infrequently, as you say, is that he is not really engaging in the text exchanges.

 

Yes

 

But she kept trying to see him over winter break, probably because she was hoping that in person he may react differently and stir back old feelings.

 

Yes

 

the only reason she is pursuing a friendship with this guy, at the expense of your feelings at that, is because she is not over him.

 

and Yes.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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She then spends the next 1.5 years dating 10+ guys.

 

I would have minor suspicions that she was still into her ex, and even the guys she dated this past year. She would stalk some of them on Facebook semi frequently. She tells me she does that because they were great people and she wants to know how their life is going.

 

10 guys in 18 months. Such greatness she's experienced with men that she's spent about 1-2 months each? I think she speaks a lot of crap to justify her behavior and unfortunately you fall for it, even with regards to the ex. Your relationship is relatively new and she should be emotionally happy and 100% involved, but instead she's distracted by all these other great men.

 

I don't think she's fully invested in you. And of course she's going to tell you she's over him because she can't tell you otherwise. Focus on her actions, not her words.

Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

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From the way you describe things, she will be more interested in you after you break up with her...in this case I'd bow to inevitability.

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