katiegrl Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Tread Carefully ....where did you get he is a LEO? Not doubting you, I just didn't see it. Did I miss something?
Tread Carefully Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 No worries Katie It's in the second to last paragraph in his first post.
katiegrl Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 No worries Katie It's in the second to last paragraph in his first post. LOL @ myself ...oh you mean Law Enforcement Officer....I did see that. I thought you were talking about Leo, the sun sign! Silly me..... That said, Leo's (the sun sign) can be rather condescending too at times, without realizing it...but I digress. 1
Author lolnofriend Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Okay, but then again, his post 34, third paragraph: "...before this sudden outburst, there wasn't any [drama] hasn't been for awhile now other than the occasional couples spat ...about normal stuff ...I haven't seen any red flags..." So I don't know MidKnightD, something's not jiving ..... Hey guys, What I meant isn't all or nothing - in the past when we've had big fights she yells a lot; that doesn't mean she yells every time we have a disagreement or a couples spat. In the relative immediate past (like, let's say 4-5 months) there hasn't been any huge drama or issues or big fights. Just small couples stuff that is normal. But, in the past, we have had large fights at certain points over 2+ years, and during those times she definitely yells a lot and seems to be unable to control her anger. I hope that clears stuff up. She did contact me sometime after I got off work early yesterday morning but I was asleep. Basically, she apologized and took the more mature route - instead of explaining her side and fighting me about who is right and who is wrong, she agreed that rationally our relationship may not be working out, but emotionally she still wants it to and vice versa. So when I put her feet to the fire, she was just honest and told me she doesn't have a solid answer right now as to whether we should stay together. We met up tonight and talked about it a little bit and didn't come to any solid conclusion, but it wasn't unpleasant and there was no fight over it. So unfortunately we're still at a stand still, but I'm glad she's calmed down and is being level headed about the whole thing. She was honest and said she felt pessimistic about repairing our relationship (as do I) at this point, but she also can't imagine not working at it if we're both willing to agree to try and we can both understand each others struggle with the issues present in our relationship. That's kinda the meat of it, I'm not sure where we'll head from here, and I still have a lot of thinking to do about it myself and what it is I want ultimately regardless of what she decides. I'm certainly not closing my eyes and although I haven't (and she hasnt) decided whether we'll move forward to repair, if we both decide to, I'll be sticking to my guns regarding not letting this happen again, and basically forcing professional help in order for me to stay. Time will tell. Thanks for all the help, I'm not sure this will be the end of my saga, perhaps I'll be back posting on this thread shortly, but right now this is where things stand.
Popsicle Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 The relationship still sounds toxic. Be careful of that because you can get used to that (even tho you don't like it) then next thing you know, you wake up and then half your life is over and you've never had a normal relationship because you've been wasting all your good years on that clown, which didn't work out anyway. (No big surprise) If you're smart you'll decide what you want for your life at a young age, and you're still young. 2
Author lolnofriend Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Katie is absolutely correct about the anti-depressants. It happens more frequently than people are comfortable hearing about. If you already have an anger problem then it can really ramp that anger up. Impatience and intolerance of others as well. Now, about the fight.... You said that she didn't understand the joke and that often happens in your relationship and she gets angry about it. IMO, it's because she feels stupid because she doesn't get it which in turn makes her feel vulnerable which makes her angry at herself. Then you laugh it off because to YOU it's no big deal. It's a big deal to her. Guaranteed. So she internalizes what she thinks is you laughing at her because she's too stupid to understand. And that pisses her off and she snaps. You haven't had any clue that she didn't/couldn't/wouldn't understand that you weren't laughing at her so you are completely caught off guard and bewildered. She is to proud to tell you that the person she's really angry with is herself. Sometimes she feels that she's not your intellectual equal...and I would bet your job is one reason for that. You're a LEO. That's a position of power and authority. And lots and lots of LEO's have an ingrained air of superiority. Some don't even know they act that way. Maybe you come across like that? Unlike everyone else, I feel sorry for her. She has some pretty big issues within herself. The new medicine could be making harder on her. I would advise that she tells her doctor and perhaps switch to a different one. I feel bad for you too. I'm sorry this happened. Thank you for your service. I pray you stay safe. I hope this helped. LoL It either helped or confused you even more! Thank you for this explanation. It makes a little more sense. This may be a personality difference between her and I, because you're right, it would never cross my mind to think anything I did or said would be about her in any shape or form in this situation. So I end up seeing an occurrence like this as somewhat egocentric on her part, and taking things personally when they aren't about her... but I digress, as I also understand people have different insecurities and anxieties. I try really hard not to have an air of superiority or to be demeaning at all, but I suppose it's not that simple. You're pretty much spot on the money when you said I may not even realize it; because I don't. My own mother has told me at times (whom I have a great relationship with) that I can come off a little bit superior or demeaning, particularly in arguments - she's pointed it out when I've gotten heated about a political topic for instance... and I never would have even realized it had it not been pointed out. For that, I try to be very aware of it. I'll be the first to admit, I may have sounded like a jerk when I told her to "have a good run" and walked off - but I didn't think I sounded like it at the moment... or even hours later. It didn't really dawn on me until much later how I may have said it. Anyways, is there any known way to ... rewire someones thinking like that? Or anything I can do so she doesn't feel stupid and then angry at herself? Since I don't quite understand where it comes from, I can't quite figure out a solution... or at least, something that helps. If anything, it feels like walking on eggshells to me that I can't make simple jokes, or be worried about what might set her off because it made her feel stupid/bad/whatever - when in reality it's just innocuous. 1
joseb Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Anyways, is there any known way to ... rewire someones thinking like that? Or anything I can do so she doesn't feel stupid and then angry at herself? Since I don't quite understand where it comes from, I can't quite figure out a solution... or at least, something that helps. If anything, it feels like walking on eggshells to me that I can't make simple jokes, or be worried about what might set her off because it made her feel stupid/bad/whatever - when in reality it's just innocuous. See I didn't mention it before, but now you are using language that makes me think she might have some cluster B traits. Have you considered that?
Tread Carefully Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Thank you for this explanation. It makes a little more sense. Anyways, is there any known way to ... rewire someones thinking like that? Or anything I can do so she doesn't feel stupid and then angry at herself? Since I don't quite understand where it comes from, I can't quite figure out a solution... or at least, something that helps. If anything, it feels like walking on eggshells to me that I can't make simple jokes, or be worried about what might set her off because it made her feel stupid/bad/whatever - when in reality it's just innocuous. You're welcome, glad I could help.a little bit. Therapy, if she is willing to really work it and use the tools they give her, would benefit her immensly. It's very hard work though. The things she is dealing with are very deep seeded. Can it be accomplished though? Are there success stories out there? Yes there sure are! It can be done. She has to want it though. I hear you on the walking on eggshells part. But you can help her, if you want to. Very first thing....When she doesn't "get" what you are saying, stay calm and explain it in a different way until she does understand. No more, ever, at all, brushing it off and leaving it. Sometimes that translates to her as she isn't good enough or important enough for you to follow through with an explanation. This will require tremendous patience on your part. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's a good tool for you to hone and sharpen. And maybe she's worth it too. She didn't wake up one day saying, huh...I'm stupid/insert negative thought pattern. This was something that was told to her/made to be felt by her for such a long time that it is constantly running in a loop in her head. You did not make her this way so please don't carry that. It's very hard to break negative thought patterns. Heck, it's hard to break a lot of things! Like how you come across when you don't realize it. Getting better at patience will help you there. In the middle of being heated, take a breath, step back and say I need to take a second here. Then rewind the convo in your head. You are a smart man, you will start to see how you come across and then fix it. I don't see you as being too proud to say to anyone right in the heat of the moment...."Oh wow, I just realized that sounded kinda douchy/superior/etc and I'm sorry. Magic can happen when people find the strength and love to say something like that in an argument. It can be hard to admit your wrong, when you actually are wrong, for prideful people. It will take time for her to get there. But it works. Listen, I argue with my daughter. She's at the age that she knows it all. She will get angry and accuse me of something. While she's talking, I begin thinking. And when she's right, I tell her. Flat out. "You're right, I really messed that up and I'm sorry. How can we fix this?" And then all the wind is blown out of her sails. Like magic. If there is only one thing that anyone who reads this takes away with them, it's this. There is always, always a core emotion tied underneath anger. Hurt, guilt, fear etc. It's much easier to use anger as a defense mechanism than to allow yourself to feel vulnerable....for some people, like your gf. Being vulnerable means you open yourself up for another person to hurt you....or to love you. Sometimes that's scary. 1
thecrucible Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I think this is really about trying your best to find a compromise and also knowing your own limits and what you can handle. People don't change overnight and not all personalities get along. I don't think I could handle someone flipping out like that and I wonder if there is more to it like an insecurity issue and she is reading into things you are doing because of something going on in her head.
bluefeather Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Hey lolnofriend, you seem like a nice guy, so I'm going to try to put this to you gently while still telling you what I think is true: this girl has you wrapped around her finger. Whatever she says goes. She is in control of whether you two get back together or not, and it probably does not matter what terms you lay out. As you are someone who works in law enforcement, I wonder what you would have done if you saw another couple do what she did to you with the car. I hope that you can find the strength to wake up and realize that you may be in an abusive relationship.
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