Huge fight with GF @ the gym

[MidwestUSA]

Interesting. You sound very responsible.

 

Agree here.

 

Thank you, OP, for serving and protecting.

[lolnofriend]

Interesting. You sound very responsible. How did she and your mother get along?

 

Actually they got along well. So much so that I'd often find myself leaving to go do something after their first hour of conversation and then not seeing them again for another couple hours. My mom doesn't understand the outburst either since she saw it the other night (partially).

 

I'm close to my mom, and we talked about it for a while after it happened. My mom is very neutral normally and asked if maybe she thought that my girlfriend perceived the joke to be about her, and that's why she got so mad, but I don't think that's the case.

 

My girlfriend (in the past month or so) was put on an anti depressant for some sort of migraine issue causing vertigo, and the doctor has been gradually increasing her dose over the last month. I wondered if this might have anything to do with her snapping at me so readily?

 

Like I said normally she is fiery, regardless of medicine or not she does yell and she does get upset. But I've NEVER had her go off on me like that, and so quickly, for seemingly no good reason.

[Emilia]

I know nothing about medication.

 

It's the fact that she is fiery. I am too by nature and I had to learn that it wasn't acceptable to go off at people. I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone either. You mention that she had resentment about your job. I don't know, that isn't a good sign.

 

I'm also suspicious of the fact that she became such a good girl with her shopping addiction. I mean I get that people grow up but her seeing the light like this?

 

It just seems to me like several issues running parallel and her running away from them rather than dealing constructively. Like as if she felt she had put up with too much already. Or that you were blind to the small signs. Maybe her not fighting with you in your mum's house was too much for her. Behaving herself was too much for her. Clearly she is an impulsive person.

[joseb]

You sound like you are making excuses for her and excusing her behaviour.

Maybe because in your line of work you are expose to a lot more than most people, you are minimising the fact that she is verbally abusive.

 

You are also minimising her cheating. It's not a small thing. You two talked and became exclusive. Her "kiss" was almost certainly a lot more, most cheaters allay gilt by confessing to small things.

 

I also agree with another poster. I think another guy is now in the picture.

 

Is their a part if you that likes all this drama?

If not I don't get why you are trying to stay with her.

There are so many negatives.

[elaine567]

Hey, thanks for the "unpopular" opinion or whatever you call it - but one thing I'd like to clarify, is that I did calmly tell her what I had said; she heard me, and didn't understand: so I explained it twice. When she didn't get it, I just said it's really no big deal, it was a stupid joke, so just dont worry about it. Could you elaborate further on how I was ramping it up by doing this?

 

I ask seriously, and non-argumentatively, because your response is often similar to what I hear from her: that it's me escalating the situation, that she's the victim basically and I'm the perpetrator. For me, it's almost impossible to understand how she has this viewpoint in these moments, when I calmly (and laughing) made a joke - and then explained it to her, and then just didn't want to explain it out of laziness more than anything else when she didn't understand it - could you have any insight as to why she would perceive this as me ramping the situation up?

 

The kind of response I would get from my friends in this situation is either: No dude, please explain it to me I'd like to know - or Yeah, it doesn't matter anyway - and we continue on with our lives. Male or female. So I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the role I've played in escalating this situation (and others that she has told me I escalate) when I feel like nobody else would give me that response.

 

Thanks!

 

It all works out like this because she is resentful, she is angry inside and so when you all "calmly" say things like "Its no big deal", "Its doesn't matter", "Don't worry about it, have a good run", then it winds her up as it is not addressing her concerns, it feels to her like you are patronising her and treating her like a kid.

She may be indeed end up acting a bit like a kid, but my guess here is that she thought the "joke" was actually aimed at her, a dig, hence the "No what the **** did you say?", so when you "dismiss" her repeatedly she feels even more got at and insecure, or by her not "getting the joke" it made her look stupid, so she felt vulnerable.

Pile on the condescending and dismissive - "nevermind, its no big deal", "don't worry about it" and walk away from her, then she gets even angrier.

 

A bit like the saying "Calm down dear", which to the already angry, sends them into apoplexy.

[lolnofriend]

It all works out like this because she is resentful, she is angry inside and so when you all "calmly" say things like "Its no big deal", "Its doesn't matter", "Don't worry about it, have a good run", then it winds her up as it is not addressing her concerns, it feels to her like you are patronising her and treating her like a kid.

She may be indeed end up acting a bit like a kid, but my guess here is that she thought the "joke" was actually aimed at her, a dig, hence the "No what the **** did you say?", so when you "dismiss" her repeatedly she feels even more got at and insecure, or by her not "getting the joke" it made her look stupid, so she felt vulnerable.

Pile on the condescending and dismissive - "nevermind, its no big deal", "don't worry about it" and walk away from her, then she gets even angrier.

 

A bit like the saying "Calm down dear", which to the already angry, sends them into apoplexy.

 

 

Thanks for the explanation. Unfortunately, it's similar to the one she's given me in the past and it doesn't leave me feeling any less confused because I don't resonate with it. When someone tells me to calm down (even her) and just listen to them, if it's someone I respect and care about, I calm down and try to listen unless it's some kind of situation that is crazy (cheating, hey I killed your cat, something insane, etc).

 

I know saying "I handle it this way" doesn't mean SHE has to handle it the same way I do, and I can understand why some people feel irritated when they are told to calm down when they're mad (I see it every day).

 

The hardest part for me regarding the two of us is understanding why. I can wrap my head around action and consequence - but it's hard to understand why telling someone lightheartedly "just don't worry about it" the same as you would with a friend who didn't get a joke - why would that make them feel patronized or being treated like a kid? Isn't that a little egotistical? I mean it had nothing to do with her in the first place - which she acknowledged when I explained it. I guess I should have said this before, but when I explained it the first time she said "Oh no, I think at our old apartment guys used to do that on that machine, so it's possible right?" and I said "Oh no, that's a different machine you're thinking of". We kinda paused, she didn't get what I meant AT ALL - so in order to "let it go" I just said "don't worry about it" since it was a stupid joke to begin with and not worth even explaining.

 

Does that help? Can you help me understand why someone would feel patronized by that?

[Emilia]

I do very much think this is linked to her impulsive nature. She seems thin skinned

[lolnofriend]

You sound like you are making excuses for her and excusing her behaviour.

Maybe because in your line of work you are expose to a lot more than most people, you are minimising the fact that she is verbally abusive.

 

You are also minimising her cheating. It's not a small thing. You two talked and became exclusive. Her "kiss" was almost certainly a lot more, most cheaters allay gilt by confessing to small things.

 

I also agree with another poster. I think another guy is now in the picture.

 

Is their a part if you that likes all this drama?

If not I don't get why you are trying to stay with her.

There are so many negatives.

 

 

Thank you for your input. Trust me, I was very concerned that she was telling a "half truth" about what happened, and this may sound silly and it's not necessary something I'm proud of, but I basically interrogated her over it at the time, and even on more than one occasion to rule out fudging answers. Due to the training I've received, I can tell when someone is lying to me, and her answers checked out. So I haven't believed she did anything more than what she admitted to.

 

Your point about minimizing her behavior may be true, and I suppose I hadn't thought about that. I guess me and her are opposites; I have thick skin and she has thin. This sort of stuff doesn't effect me or stop me from bouncing back as much (unless it's as severe as this time, which is why I came here for help). That doesn't necessarily mean that's healthy though, and I suppose it's something I need to look inward on.

 

I definitely don't like the drama, more importantly I can't function in my work with it but like I said - before this sudden outburst there wasn't any; hasn't been for a while now other than the occasional couples spat about normal stuff. I haven't seen any red flags for any other men being in the picture, and I've been cheated on before in the past so I feel like I would know right away, but I'll keep my eyes open.

[bluefeather]

I can guess one thing for sure: She must be really hot for you to put up with all of that and wanting more. Seriously, the sex must be good. But you sound like you can do better.

 

I've been there too. The craziness pours into the bedroom and can make for an acceptable trade-off. But you need to get your balls back.

 

Say it:

 

"I can do better."

"I deserve better."

 

You could have been seriously injured or worse. Think about that. You want more of that? If you really do, then she isn't the only person who could use therapy.

[Ferret]

 

Our relationship started off a little rocky - she was seeing another guy at the same time she saw me which I didn't hold against her; but when we became official, she decided to see this guy for 2 or 3 weeks into our new relationship and cheated. She claims it was only a kiss during that time but I will never know. Being such a new relationship, I was still devastated, but ultimately decided to move forward because of the strong feelings I had for her.

 

 

Help.

I find this interesting you were ok with her cheating on the other guy with you yet you were hurt when she decided to still see him after you to "made it official" doesn't that say something to you about her?

 

Shes willing to cheat to get what she wants in the end so maybe shes already got something lined up it would explain her just leaving and not looking back that's kind of a convenient blow up over really nothing at all isn't it?...the dots are there just connect them people will always show you their true self you just have to listen..

[whichwayisup]

Do you think she's going to get in touch with you in the near future? If she does call and talks to you, make sure to let her know (this is setting a new boundary that has to be respected by both of you IF you get back together) that the blow up like that can never happen again. She had a child tantrum, and also was cruel about it too - Not allowing you to get your wallet and then throwing it in the snow.. That's not normal behavior!

 

Maybe it is the meds she's on, something she has to discuss with her Dr. Or maybe she has another ailment that she isn't aware of (bi polar?).

[SSJROMANCE]

She is obviously out of control - don't need me to tell you that. She could be bi-polar? My wife would have huge mood swings because of that. I had a girlfriend also who was suicidal that would do some crazy ass things I never understood. It's not you. You should get her checked for mental illness. What she did was abnormal behavior.

 

Back to the kiss while you were dating. That's what my sister in-law said when she got busted by her husband on a text. That "kiss" later turned into she was having sex with the dude. My brother in-law said the same thing to his wife. Her only "kissed" this girl he was working with. Denied denied denied (very "religious" person I might add). 10 years later he repented and told the truth. He was having an affair with her. So this is a very common thing. If they say just a "kiss" they might be able to satisfy you with that and try to avoid the WHOLE truth.

 

Good luck man.

Edited March 7, 2016 by SSJROMANCE

[SammySammy]

This is why I don't argue with women. Not about to allow a woman to yell at me or curse me in private, much less in public.

 

We can disagree or misunderstand each other, but if she can't do it with some decency and respect she has to go.

 

I would have left that woman a long time ago.

[katiegrl]

OP said she just started taking anti-depressants .....which in *some* people can cause some pretty crazy side effects, one of which is lashing out at others, and in some cases, becoming violent.

 

Her attempting to run OP over with her car would certainly qualify!

 

Many years ago, a young kid was put on Paxil, after which he stabbed his parents to death. Had never been violent prior, actually a very quiet and gentle kid.

 

His attorneys used that as his defense...it became a huge, controversial story, all over the news.

 

After many years and legal wranglings, he finally went to trial and was convicted .... and sent to an adult prison, even though at the time of the killings, he was a minor, only 11&12 years old I think!

 

Research "Paxil Defense" on Google. It's being used now as a legit defense, and has actually resulted in many acquittals!

 

These meds can be dangerous for some people....and people who just start taking need to be closely monitored by their doctors.

Edited March 7, 2016 by katiegrl

[five2nine]

She sounds crazy...no offense

[katiegrl]

This is why I don't argue with women. Not about to allow a woman to yell at me or curse me in private, much less in public.

 

We can disagree or misunderstand each other, but if she can't do it with some decency and respect she has to go.

 

I would have left that woman a long time ago.

 

OP said this is the first time she's behaved this way though ...so it's out of character.

 

That is why think it may be due to the meds she just started currently taking.

[katiegrl]

She sounds crazy...no offense

 

Yesh, some meds can cause that, in *some* people.

[SammySammy]

OP said this is the first time she's behaved this way though ...so it's out of character.

 

That is why think it may be due to the meds she just started currently taking.

 

Nah. It wasn't the first time. According to his first post, they've been arguing and she's been yelling for a while.

 

By and large we've had a great relationship, but when we fight, it's BAD. She's extremely fiery and I believe has anger issues - when we fight she's a yeller.

[TheFinalWord]

The hardest part for me regarding the two of us is understanding why. I can wrap my head around action and consequence - but it's hard to understand why telling someone lightheartedly "just don't worry about it" the same as you would with a friend who didn't get a joke - why would that make them feel patronized or being treated like a kid? Isn't that a little egotistical? I mean it had nothing to do with her in the first place - which she acknowledged when I explained it. I guess I should have said this before, but when I explained it the first time she said "Oh no, I think at our old apartment guys used to do that on that machine, so it's possible right?" and I said "Oh no, that's a different machine you're thinking of". We kinda paused, she didn't get what I meant AT ALL - so in order to "let it go" I just said "don't worry about it" since it was a stupid joke to begin with and not worth even explaining.

 

Does that help? Can you help me understand why someone would feel patronized by that?

 

Your first problem is seeking answers to a woman's emotional issues using logic.

 

One of three scenarios...

 

1) She loves you, but has anger issues

2) Something else set her off and that was just the final straw. She will eventually reach out to you.

3) Fabricated fight to meet someone new.

 

I would recommend no more writing/texting. The ball is in her court. If you hear back, meet for dinner to see if you can discuss. If you are not over it by then (she left so I would see that as a breakup, so go out and date), I guess I would recommend some couples counseling to try to work it out, if you can afford it.

[katiegrl]

Nah. It wasn't the first time. According to his first post, they've been arguing and she's been yelling for a while.

 

 

Okay, but then again, his post 34, third paragraph:

 

"...before this sudden outburst, there wasn't any [drama] hasn't been for awhile now other than the occasional couples spat ...about normal stuff ...I haven't seen any red flags..."

 

So I don't know MidKnightD, something's not jiving .....

[joseb]

Okay, but then again, his post 34, third paragraph:

 

"...before this sudden outburst, there wasn't any [drama] hasn't been for awhile now other than the occasional couples spat ...about normal stuff ...I haven't seen any red flags..."

 

So I don't know MidKnightD, something's not jiving .....

 

I would read more into the original post. The later one sounds like him minimising it.

[katiegrl]

I would read more into the original post. The later one sounds like him minimising it.

 

Yeah, I was just about to post that... in the later post, there may be a bit of denial going on there ...so you could be right.

 

Which is pretty common when one is in a lot of pain...

[Tread Carefully]

Thanks for the explanation. Unfortunately, it's similar to the one she's given me in the past and it doesn't leave me feeling any less confused because I don't resonate with it. When someone tells me to calm down (even her) and just listen to them, if it's someone I respect and care about, I calm down and try to listen unless it's some kind of situation that is crazy (cheating, hey I killed your cat, something insane, etc).

 

I know saying "I handle it this way" doesn't mean SHE has to handle it the same way I do, and I can understand why some people feel irritated when they are told to calm down when they're mad (I see it every day).

 

The hardest part for me regarding the two of us is understanding why. I can wrap my head around action and consequence - but it's hard to understand why telling someone lightheartedly "just don't worry about it" the same as you would with a friend who didn't get a joke - why would that make them feel patronized or being treated like a kid? Isn't that a little egotistical? I mean it had nothing to do with her in the first place - which she acknowledged when I explained it. I guess I should have said this before, but when I explained it the first time she said "Oh no, I think at our old apartment guys used to do that on that machine, so it's possible right?" and I said "Oh no, that's a different machine you're thinking of". We kinda paused, she didn't get what I meant AT ALL - so in order to "let it go" I just said "don't worry about it" since it was a stupid joke to begin with and not worth even explaining.

 

Does that help? Can you help me understand why someone would feel patronized by that?

 

Katie is absolutely correct about the anti-depressants. It happens more frequently than people are comfortable hearing about. If you already have an anger problem then it can really ramp that anger up. Impatience and intolerance of others as well.

 

Now, about the fight....

 

You said that she didn't understand the joke and that often happens in your relationship and she gets angry about it. IMO, it's because she feels stupid because she doesn't get it which in turn makes her feel vulnerable which makes her angry at herself. Then you laugh it off because to YOU it's no big deal. It's a big deal to her. Guaranteed. So she internalizes what she thinks is you laughing at her because she's too stupid to understand. And that pisses her off and she snaps.

 

You haven't had any clue that she didn't/couldn't/wouldn't understand that you weren't laughing at her

so you are completely caught off guard and bewildered. She is to proud to tell you that the person she's really angry with is herself.

 

Sometimes she feels that she's not your intellectual equal...and I would bet your job is one reason for that. You're a LEO. That's a position of power and authority. And lots and lots of LEO's have an ingrained air of superiority. Some don't even know they act that way. Maybe you come across like that?

 

Unlike everyone else, I feel sorry for her. She has some pretty big issues within herself. The new medicine could be making harder on her. I would advise that she tells her doctor and perhaps switch to a different one.

 

I feel bad for you too. I'm sorry this happened. Thank you for your service. I pray you stay safe.

 

I hope this helped. LoL It either helped or confused you even more!

[SammySammy]

Okay, but then again, his post 34, third paragraph:

 

"...before this sudden outburst, there wasn't any [drama] hasn't been for awhile now other than the occasional couples spat ...about normal stuff ...I haven't seen any red flags..."

 

So I don't know MidKnightD, something's not jiving .....

 

All of us, including OP, looking at the situation through our own lenses? With our own biases?

 

I can admit my opinion is shaped by my personal experiences. I suspect you're more forgiving and understanding of her due to your experiences as well.

 

That's why I think relationships should have some ground rules or standards. Like treating each other with mutual respect even when we disagree. Makes it easier to determine what is acceptable or unacceptable - for the well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

[Popsicle]

Sounds like she has contempt for you and it is coming out. Contempt is detrimental to a R.

 

Where is the love?