lolnofriend Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible... but it will probably be pretty long, even for that. Thanks for reading: My gf and I have been together for a little over 2 years. I am 26, she is 30. We lived together for 1 year, but moved out a few months ago due to financial issues and now we're back home, but were planning on possibly moving out again soon. Our relationship started off a little rocky - she was seeing another guy at the same time she saw me which I didn't hold against her; but when we became official, she decided to see this guy for 2 or 3 weeks into our new relationship and cheated. She claims it was only a kiss during that time but I will never know. Being such a new relationship, I was still devastated, but ultimately decided to move forward because of the strong feelings I had for her. The reason I offered this backstory is that because of that, we've had a lot of ups and downs. I actually feel like I got over it a long time ago, but I'm not sure she ever did. Anyway, we have had some ups and downs. By and large we've had a great relationship, but when we fight, it's BAD. She's extremely fiery and I believe has anger issues - when we fight she's a yeller. Our biggest fights happen over my choice in career, and because she hates what I do so much, she holds a lot of resentment toward me - and she unleashes it when we fight. Fast forward to almost 3 days ago: We work out together 3-4 times a week at the gym. During our last visit, I made a joke about some guy using a machine for an exercise that the machine wasn't meant for. She didn't hear me, so I said it again and then she didn't get it - so I explained, and she still didn't get it. So it was obviously no big deal, and I just said nevermind, its no big deal. She snapped on me and started yelling in the gym, and people turned around to look at us... she said "No what the **** did you say?!" and I was very embarrassed and didn't know what to do, so I just said "Don't worry about it, have a good run" and I went off to lift weights (she runs, I lift, so we're not together). I got back from my workout and she was finishing as well, I could tell she was giving me the cold shoulder so I just ignored it, but then she turned around and angrily said "So are you calm yet?" I was a little annoyed because I was calm the entire time - so I just said "Babe I was calm the whole time, it was no big deal" and she started yelling at me again... something like "I didn't know what the **** you said" etc - so it kind of ticked me off, and people were staring again - I have a big pet peeve about airing dirty laundry in public, so I said "You know what, I'm not going to do this in the middle of the gym." and I walked out. As I was walking out, at the top of her lungs (I mean, people outside probably heard it) she screamed "THEN STOP BEING A ****ING *******!" - It was one of the most humiliating experiences I've had. I put my jacket on and walked myself home since I live close. After I got home, she called me and told me she was in the car. I told her I had walked home, she hung up and arrived at my door a few minutes later. I opened the door and she swings it open on me and pushes past me racing to my room to get her things. So I stopped her in the hallway (not physically, just verbally) and said "Hey stop, just chill. What is your deal? Whats the problem right now?" which made her more angry - so she went to my room to gather her things. I followed her and said "So you're leaving?" she said yes, I said "That's fine, just let me get my wallet out of your glove compartment" (I stupidly left it there, don't ask) - she said "No, you should have thought about that when you put it in there". So I was like No, just let me get my wallet. I followed her outside to her car the whole way just telling her it's fine if she leaves I just want my wallet - so she grabs it and throws it all across my lawn (in the snow). I had stayed calm until this moment and then I just absolutely lost it. I screamed at her to get the **** out, right now. I told her to leave. Now. I had enough of her disrespect. Of course, this only escalated the situation and made her even more angry. It's hard to explain, but when she threw my wallet out I was on her side of the car, and her car door was open - she was in the drivers seat and basically decided to throw it in reverse. I have a very steep driveway, and she was basically dragging me down it with the car door open. I flipped the **** out (scared) and screamed "are you trying to run me over? WTF?!" My mom (living at home, remember) heard some of this and came outside just to see this **** happening, so I backed up and swung her door shut for her, and she drove off in a rage. My mom helped me find all my wallet stuff in the snow, and then I went inside. I was angry, devestated, and just confused as ****. I have no clue why she went off on me over a stupid joke I didn't want to explain out of laziness. I calmed down later that evening (well, more like in the middle of the morning. I work overnights, so it's not odd for me to be awake all night). Once I was calm, I wrote my girlfriend a long email that was heartfelt about my feelings for her, but telling her that this sort of thing is downright scary for me and although I'm not willing to dump on someone I invested my heart into, this is the last... one and only chance - she would need to get professional help, couples therapy, and personal therapy in order to move forward being with me. I sincerely told her if I just don't make her happy, that I won't hold it against her, and I truly just want her to be happy even if that means leaving me. I told her to think about it, and let me know. So, it's been 3 days now and I haven't heard a word from her - which is a long time for us. We've literally never gone this long even in the worst fights we've had. She's been keeping busy and posting pretty much every move she makes on facebook, going out with friends a lot, doing stuff - which has been hard because I work all weekend overnight. I work in law enforcement and it's been hard to keep my head on straight not hearing from her or knowing where this is going, which is bad for safety. Does anyone have ANY insight to this? I know this is a small window of our relationship, and it probably also sounds like my girlfriend is a monster - she has anger issues, but she is a great person. Whether I can live with those anger issues, I don't know. 90% of the time our relationship is great, which i know is something everyone says, but it's true. I've never had a better relationship than this one. It's just these.... outbursts, and big fights that throw me off big time. Help. 1
scorpiogirl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Her behaviour is unacceptable. What exactly do you need help with? Look, clearly you love her but she's abusive. This may be only "10%" of your relationship but that's an awful 10%. This is not going to get better. In fact, it's going to get worse. Much worse. If you think your email is going to make her see the error of her ways and she'll magically come back a changed person, you're very mistaken. She's doing you a favour by not replying to you. This is easier said than done, but you need to distance yourself from her. Now. 6
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Slightly different take. I guess she holds a lot of resentment here, the unheard "joke" pissed her off, but instead of "calmly" telling her what you said, you "calmly" ramped the situation up and up and up, until she was very angry indeed. Sometimes the person expressing the anger and appearing "crazy" isn't the one truly at fault. The puppet master may just know how to pull their strings. OR She may also have fabricated the "fight" in order to have an excuse to leave. For the "crazy" one she seems to be getting on with her life pretty well since she left. Seems whatever is happening here, the relationship has probably run its course, this is the type of "fight" that occurs when one or other or both are very unhappy and trying to "get" at the other. It is not healthy and one probably needs to pull the plug, if in fact she hasn't already done it.. 7
Satu Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 If you can't peacefully co-exist, for whatever reason, there's not much point to the relationship. 4
Zahara Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) There's no justification for that kind of behavior. It seems from the beginning your relationship there were red flags already popping up. If she resents you that much because of the career you choose, then I don't see anything changing in terms of how you both are going to move forward. Good times don't make for a healthy and sustainable relationship. Shared values, morals and goals and it seems you guys are on very different pages. I couldn't be with someone like that no matter how good times are because at the end of the day and in the long run, that 10% of misery will certainly overshadow everything else in the relationship. It's too intense and it's too damaging. Edited March 6, 2016 by Zahara 4
Boomerangmagnet Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 If she is capable of that type of behavior in public, what can happen behind closed doors could escalate in a hurry. 6
joseb Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 OR She may also have fabricated the "fight" in order to have an excuse to leave. For the "crazy" one she seems to be getting on with her life pretty well since she left. Seems whatever is happening here, the relationship has probably run its course, this is the type of "fight" that occurs when one or other or both are very unhappy and trying to "get" at the other. Yeah that was my thoughts. She was looking for an excuse to have a fight and she got a chance. This sounded like a very unhealthy relationship. She yells at you a lot (this isn't acceptable) she belittles your career choice. She cheats for the first few weeks of the relationship. Come on, why were you putting up with this? 7
hippychick3 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Whoa...why on earth would you even consider staying with this woman?? You really need to get some individual therapy to figure out why you are willing to put up with abuse. Her actions are inexcusable and good reason to never see her again. If you make the mistake of going back to her, this will escalate even further into physical abuse. Delete her number, facebook, IG, and whatever other contact information you have for her and do not look back unless you're in therapy trying to figure out why you put up with abusive behaviors. 1
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Yeah that was my thoughts. She was looking for an excuse to have a fight and she got a chance. This sounded like a very unhealthy relationship. She yells at you a lot (this isn't acceptable) she belittles your career choice. She cheats for the first few weeks of the relationship. Come on, why were you putting up with this? I think a lot of women are not keen on their men being in law enforcement, she is not alone there. It is very scary for women sitting at home whilst he may be out there risking his life. Law enforcement officers have one of the highest divorce rates when compared with other groups of professionals. 1
Gemma1 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Women who get the **** beaten out of them regularly by their husbands justify it the same way you do. "But he's amazing when he's not beating the **** out of me!" This is going to escalate one day and she's going to end up calling the cops on YOU and you get charged with domestic assault whether you did anything or not. She's a fruitcake. 3
bu2002 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 From seeing someone else at the beginning of your relationship, holding resentment to your career choice, to her public outbursts, to having no regard for your personal property, NONE of it is acceptable behavior. Being a well behaved adult 90% of the time shouldn't be good enough for you, especially when the 10% is completely out of whack. This relationship isn't going to work out IMO, and I hope you learn from this for the next one that you shouldn't have to put up with this type of behavior. I understand there's up and downs, but what you've described of her is just unacceptable on every level. Bottom line from your perspective is just to have higher standards for the women you date. 2
road Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Yeah that was my thoughts. She was looking for an excuse to have a fight and she got a chance. This sounded like a very unhealthy relationship. She yells at you a lot (this isn't acceptable) she belittles your career choice. She cheats for the first few weeks of the relationship. Come on, why were you putting up with this? All that and she is 4 years older than you. Dump her. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Law enforcement officers have one of the highest divorce rates when compared with other groups of professionals. Yes, and lots of cops cheat, too. 2
truth_seeker Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Does anyone have ANY insight to this? I know this is a small window of our relationship, and it probably also sounds like my girlfriend is a monster - she has anger issues, but she is a great person. Whether I can live with those anger issues, I don't know. 90% of the time our relationship is great, which i know is something everyone says, but it's true. I've never had a better relationship than this one. It's just these.... outbursts, and big fights that throw me off big time. Help. WOW! Very entertaining story from where I'm sitting. Your first mistake was getting involved with a woman who was still currently in a relationship. That's a no-no. Your second was catching feelings for a woman who was still not over her ex as she was still seeing him while starting off with you. The whole fight you describe... let me tell you, something has been brewing inside of her for a long time and she was looking for an excuse to erupt on you. She took this "joke" you made and used it to go off. I think she wants out. She though has a hard time being a civil adult about it, so anger is her way of dealing with things. I'm going to guess either the ex has re entered the picture, or maybe he was never really gone, or another dude she is keen on and wants to go with him. Remember: she has a a history of cheating --> she cheated with you while still in a relationship. Who's to say she's been hooking up with another guy, likes him and is now dumping you for him? Her outburst was very immature but from what you wrote she is blaming you, thus it gives her reason to not talk to you, leave you and break up with you. I would not speak to her anymore. Let her come to you. When she does, you let her know its over. You really did this to yourself getting involved with a bad woman. Maybe this is karma coming around because you got with a woman in a relationship. 3
truth_seeker Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I got to say that while I respect police officers immensely for their service, there are just some cops who are downright creeps and sc-mbags. It amazes me how so many cops are cheaters and home wreckers. I'm not sure why this is... maybe in part to the long hours and odd hour shifts? Just curious. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Damn....... idk know what advice to give. I'm stunned. She could have been having a really bad day, I guess. It's also possible that her version is different. Anyway, honestly I think you've done the right thing with the email and its content and just have to wait it out. In the meantime don't look at her social media--you realize probably most of what she is saying (having a great time etc) is put there for your benefit (ie to make you upset), right? I think she is probably one of those people who throws tantrums to get their way. There was something in your story that makes me know this which now i can't remember--but one sentence that she said. I'm actually doubtful that people like this can stop this behavior as I have never seen it. So you are right to insist on the counseling. The thing is that with the two of you a dynamic and a pattern has been established that will be hard to break (even if she gets help with counseling for new relationships). If I were in your shoes, I would start fresh with someone new. You said it to her: that you want her to have happiness even if it means that you break up. That's still putting her in charge. What about you? Your needs, putting yourself first? You could ask yourself the same question--if you honestly think happiness will be found with her or will you be better off without her. I kinda think it's the latter. Good luck 1
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Our relationship started off a little rocky - she was seeing another guy at the same time she saw me which I didn't hold against her; but when we became official, she decided to see this guy for 2 or 3 weeks into our new relationship and cheated. She claims it was only a kiss during that time but I will never know. Being such a new relationship, I was still devastated, but ultimately decided to move forward because of the strong feelings I had for her. Look how your relationship began, she cheated on her previous boyfriend with you, then cheated on YOU with her ex. I wouldn't be surprised if she is back with him or met someone else. She's proven she is capable of lying and cheating. A habit that she isn't willing to change. That fight aka over reaction on her behalf was certainly over the top and she used that as an excuse to end things with you. It escalated and she knew (probably for a while) the relationship was over. Look back on how things have been between you two for the past little while. Any red flags before this big blow up fight? 3
preraph Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 She does have bad rage issues. You did the right thing demanding she get help for it. I don't know anything of her background, but anger usually starts in childhood from an angry household or can be from some trauma. Anyway, it truly can be out of control. But the test for this is most people can keep from going off at their coworkers but then can't control themselves with their spouse or whatever. So it's not black and white. Not knowing the root cause, I think she should first just go to an anger-management course. These are sometimes mandated by courts for people who have road rage or have gotten in trouble from going off on someone. I know someone who used to scream at the top of his lungs losing it on people and he is now pretty close to be in control of himself. A comment he made is that once you understand where your anger comes from, you'll be embarrassed about acting it out all the time. It's fear-based nearly always. But hon, if she won't seek help, either anger management or therapy, you need to move on. You CANNOT be a party to bringing children into that abusive environment. It would be totally irresponsible. You can't change her. Love can't change her. She needs help. 3
Author lolnofriend Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Slightly different take. I guess she holds a lot of resentment here, the unheard "joke" pissed her off, but instead of "calmly" telling her what you said, you "calmly" ramped the situation up and up and up, until she was very angry indeed. Sometimes the person expressing the anger and appearing "crazy" isn't the one truly at fault. The puppet master may just know how to pull their strings. OR She may also have fabricated the "fight" in order to have an excuse to leave. For the "crazy" one she seems to be getting on with her life pretty well since she left. Seems whatever is happening here, the relationship has probably run its course, this is the type of "fight" that occurs when one or other or both are very unhappy and trying to "get" at the other. It is not healthy and one probably needs to pull the plug, if in fact she hasn't already done it.. Hey, thanks for the "unpopular" opinion or whatever you call it - but one thing I'd like to clarify, is that I did calmly tell her what I had said; she heard me, and didn't understand: so I explained it twice. When she didn't get it, I just said it's really no big deal, it was a stupid joke, so just dont worry about it. Could you elaborate further on how I was ramping it up by doing this? I ask seriously, and non-argumentatively, because your response is often similar to what I hear from her: that it's me escalating the situation, that she's the victim basically and I'm the perpetrator. For me, it's almost impossible to understand how she has this viewpoint in these moments, when I calmly (and laughing) made a joke - and then explained it to her, and then just didn't want to explain it out of laziness more than anything else when she didn't understand it - could you have any insight as to why she would perceive this as me ramping the situation up? The kind of response I would get from my friends in this situation is either: No dude, please explain it to me I'd like to know - or Yeah, it doesn't matter anyway - and we continue on with our lives. Male or female. So I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the role I've played in escalating this situation (and others that she has told me I escalate) when I feel like nobody else would give me that response. Thanks! 1
Author lolnofriend Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 I got to say that while I respect police officers immensely for their service, there are just some cops who are downright creeps and sc-mbags. It amazes me how so many cops are cheaters and home wreckers. I'm not sure why this is... maybe in part to the long hours and odd hour shifts? Just curious. Cops are like anything else in life, there are the good, the bad, and the ugly. They're just people like everyone else. Some of these guys are creeps, some are power hungry, and some are loving, loyal family men and women. Ironically the schedule doesn't seem to be the issue or staying up late worrying about me; it's more of a status thing or an idea she has in her head about the work just like you: that a lot of cops are creeps, cheaters, big ego, etc. That bothers her the most... the idea. The problem being, after 2+ years she knows me and knows I'm not like that, so at this point it starts causing some conflict. 5
Satu Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 *So I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the role I've played in escalating this situation (and others that she has told me I escalate) when I feel like nobody else would give me that response. Thanks! *This is not about you. Its about her. She behaves the way she does, because of who she is. Forget about what you might of done to make her behave this way. It's not about you. 1
Author lolnofriend Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Look how your relationship began, she cheated on her previous boyfriend with you, then cheated on YOU with her ex. I wouldn't be surprised if she is back with him or met someone else. She's proven she is capable of lying and cheating. A habit that she isn't willing to change. That fight aka over reaction on her behalf was certainly over the top and she used that as an excuse to end things with you. It escalated and she knew (probably for a while) the relationship was over. Look back on how things have been between you two for the past little while. Any red flags before this big blow up fight? Honestly, no not really. We haven't fought for months before this, make a huge effort to see each other nearly every day/waking moment that she isn't either at work or I'm not at work, and things have been fine. We've had some major blowout fights in the past, and maybe a couple small disagreements (where to eat type of thing) but nothing out of the ordinary. We've been together 2+ years, and the guy she was seeing was someone she had only been dating for about 5-6 weeks - she met him around the same time she met me. I can't really fault her for continuing to see him at the beginning, because I was seeing 3 other girls until we became official as well. The problem for me came when we made it official - I dumped all those other girls like rocks, blocked them, never even spoke to them again. She on the other hand stupidly decided to go out with her sister on a couple night events where the guy showed up because he was friends with people there; she claimed the guy kissed her goodnight and that was it, and she wasn't expecting it. I still considered this shady and cheating since we were official and she let some dude kiss her. Anyway, I'd be very surprised if she was back with this guy - after that night, she told him off (and about me) and he was pissed (rightfully so) because he didn't know she had a boyfriend now or else he wouldn't have kept trying. He left and we never heard anything from him ever again. I was able to rationalize it to myself because this all happened within like the first 2 weeks of our relationship, and I just chocked it up to tying up loose ends rather than intentionally cheating; and I figured not everyone can easily just break it off and block their dates like I did, and perhaps that was naive of me. 1
Emilia Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You shouldn't have stayed with a shouter and a cheater. She isn't a good woman. It could be that you two moved back to your mum's, you are not saying what the financial problem was. She clearly doesn't know how to deal with emotions, maybe too thin skinned. She sounds like a complete bltch though, why did you put up with it? Don't say because she could be nice. I'm sure Hitler had his moments too. 3
Author lolnofriend Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 You shouldn't have stayed with a shouter and a cheater. She isn't a good woman. It could be that you two moved back to your mum's, you are not saying what the financial problem was. She clearly doesn't know how to deal with emotions, maybe too thin skinned. She sounds like a complete bltch though, why did you put up with it? Don't say because she could be nice. I'm sure Hitler had his moments too. Hey, Our financial reasons were on both sides for two different reasons. I was working in office probation and to make a long story short, my hours kept getting cut significantly until it was unlivable financially; now I'm on the streets as an officer, but it took some time to transition. Luckily, I had money saved up to pay the bills, but the transition didn't happen quick enough and our lease was up, we had to move out. Now, on her end, she couldn't afford to live out without me paying my half (we always split everything evenly) because she has a lot of debt - from student loans, her car, the normal stuff - but she also had a lot of shopping debt. This was an issue that we had that was one of the "big" fights in the past. So, long story short, we could have afforded to move back out shortly after I attained this new job, but I wanted to see her make an effort to change her ways financially if it meant being with me, or me leaving over it. We've been at home now for 6+ months and she's rarely going out, isn't buying stuff, completely opened up her financial situation to me (showed me every single account, card, etc) and she has paid down over half her debt since receiving my help and guidance. In return I told her I'm unwilling to move out again until she has paid her irregular debt off (I don't mind her having student loans or a car note, but the credit cards gotta go) and in the meantime it gives me time to save for our future anyways, living at home. The majority of my paychecks just go into savings at this point which will afford us (maybe me at this point) a house, wedding, whatever in the future - because I have zero student loan debt, zero car debt, etc. I chose to go to "cheap" state school and paid it off completely, so I have a great situation. 1
Emilia Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Interesting. You sound very responsible. How did she and your mother get along? 2
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