Staw_hat Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 We have been together 6 months now. I work abroad. After a month i got really drunk. I rarely drink. We are out and I really laid into her. Every tiny thing that had bothered me i blew up 100 times until she felt like absolute crap n that i didn't care at all. I said she was overweight.....(She's curvy, not stick thing like a lot of girls iv dated) It took 2 weeks of us taking baby steps. Me spending 4 days at her house sleeping in her bed without her touching me. Finally i gave her a few days space and we made up and had a great two months together. The day i leave i see an email from her ex. She had told me that they weren't speaking and its her n him arranging to meet up after i've left. She says she has been thinking of him. I blow up. I break it off on her door step. I am so hurt by this. She begs me talk about it. I can't, i do not want to be with her. I leave. Two weeks later i hear from friends that she is in pieces. Thought we were going to get married, devestated. I start to think i should talk to her about it. We talk online. She tells me she has been writing out text and emails every day but never sending. I tell her i want her in my life, but want to go slow. She says fine. She wants me back at this point desperately. Over the next two weeks we text but i'm hurt still. I'm avoiding speaking via Skype. We do briefly a few times but i'm a bit off. I want her to be sorry an know i can trust her. We have a disagreement, really small but i cant deal with it. I ignore her text for 3 days after. I've coiled back up into a ball She hits me up on Skype and we talk. I tell her i do want to be with her. She is now saying we shouldn't rush into things and that she promised she wouldn't go through with it again after being so crushed when i left without talking to her about anything. I have a history now of blowing up n not letting out my feelings. Which i do Now SHE is telling ME that we aren't bf or gf im all over the place. That was two days ago. We have spoken and tbf to her she has always stuck by her word of when to talk. Always on time. Not being flaky like i was. We spoke last night for 2 hours but it wasn't like a couple now and we arent talking about any of the issues. Just chit chat. Same old story. She would have done anything to have me back. Now i'm here, those feelings of hurt will come down really hard. I arranged to go see her in 4 weeks. But i'm really nervous about telling her this because its so delicate at the moment. I don't want to scare her off. But i dont want to be left in imbo for 3 months as to where i stand, which is how long until i'm SUPPOSED to be back. I have to be patient but so hard when ur far away. Its only been a day so far though lol. So will give it time. I jus want to know when i should tell her im coming over. Or that i can come over. I imagine that 2 weeks of getting dumped by the person you love, without hearing from me again wasn't nice, at all. That is what she just had. Regarding her ex. I dont think there was anything going on. It was a few weeks relationship which she ended abruptly when we started dating. I believe that she feels bad for him. He just isnt an attractive guy in many ways. Compared to me hes not someone girls would be into, i dont think she was when she was withhim. She moved towns anyway so they never ended meeting up. Any advice on what to do with contact?
Poutrew Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 "Dear Baby Doll. I have really missed you since we broke up. Now that my boyfriend is leaving for a long time, let's get together..." If I read a letter like that from my current girlfriend to her ex, it would be the last thing I'd ever read from her. That letter tells you exactly where you stand. Why didn't you listen to it? Your relationship is over and has been for a long time. She will leave you as soon as she finds someone else, and you, no doubt, will think it is a sudden thing. Take the high road and break up with her officially and set yourself free.
sensewriter Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 You are abusive as hell. I really hope she has more dignity than to come back to you, but being around you for so long has probably convinced her that she's worthless. STAY AWAY FROM HER.
CarrieT Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Let me guess - you are all pretty young... Early 20s?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 OP, you lack a lot of insight. I don't think you have any idea how awful it is to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse and rages. I can't understand why you feel she owes you an apology, unless there's something you're not sharing with us. It sounds like it should be the other way around. Did she invite you to come see her in 4 weeks? If not, don't go. You need to stop steam-rolling over her feelings and respect her boundaries. Initiate a discussion about meeting in person. See how she responds. Don't just tell her that you're coming - show her that you actually care about her wishes and will respect what she says.
Author Staw_hat Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 You are abusive as hell. I really hope she has more dignity than to come back to you, but being around you for so long has probably convinced her that she's worthless. STAY AWAY FROM HER. Woah. Hold on a minute. I did NOT say i verbally abused her when i broke it off. I just had to do it as i left. I broke it off because i found a conversation between her and an ex where she said she was thinking about him and asked him to meet up. After a LONG period of time and us talking i've decided to believe that her movies weren't as i perceived it. But that is not easy. And there was no verbal abuse. I was well within my right to break things off and i would not hesitate to do that again. She was devestated but that is what happens when you do something behind someones back. We've been talking and both taking it slow so as both of us are fragile here. She still does not understand what was wrong with her message but has apologised. And i'm trying to deal with that.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Woah. Hold on a minute. I did NOT say i verbally abused her when i broke it off. I just had to do it as i left. I broke it off because i found a conversation between her and an ex where she said she was thinking about him and asked him to meet up. After a LONG period of time and us talking i've decided to believe that her movies weren't as i perceived it. But that is not easy. And there was no verbal abuse. I was well within my right to break things off and i would not hesitate to do that again. She was devestated but that is what happens when you do something behind someones back. We've been talking and both taking it slow so as both of us are fragile here. She still does not understand what was wrong with her message but has apologised. And i'm trying to deal with that. Actually, you never have to verbally abuse anyone. That's a choice you made. Insulting her body is indeed verbal abuse. I understand you were very hurt. Of course. But you chose to hit below the belt and fight dirty rather than focusing on the matter at hand. That is where the logic is flawed here. In any case, you are right to not be very trusting after finding out she wanted to meet her ex. You were not wrong for breaking up with her for it. It violated your boundary. I don't think anyone's disputing the fact that you were justified in breaking up with her. That she can't understand why trying to see her ex would hurt you is a bad sign. You can't make someone see the error in their ways if they simply don't agree with you. Is she interested in reconciling at this point? It sounds as if she's very unsure she even wants that.
Author Staw_hat Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 We had been together 3 months when i insulted her body. I was SO drunk. I couldn't get hard and i panicked and came out with a load of really hurtful stuff. It was pretty out of character though, i have never said anything to hurt her but i do let stuff build up instead of being very emotional. After i broke it off i reinitiated contact after two weeks. She was looking for another chance and explained things n said sorry. I said i wanted to take it slow but was having a hard time tbh. I kept pushing back her attempts to call and left her hanging here n there for a few days. So then when we did start speaking properly she's scared that i'm going to dump her again. So since then i've made sure I'm not pushing her away. We spoke jus normally last few nights. TBF she hasn't played any games and hasn't disappeared like i did, which I'm guessing is painful. She spent those two weeks pretty much on the floor crying, so it can't be easy to jump back in. But then from my pov. I was hurt also. Its hard as we are on different time zones but I'm going to just take it slow and keep talking and suss it out. Neither of us have said we don't want to make it work so its not like i need to go NC. Going to take the above advice of feeling out the situation. Putting in the scenario of me coming to visit n test the waters
Author Staw_hat Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Actually, you never have to verbally abuse anyone. That's a choice you made. Insulting her body is indeed verbal abuse. I understand you were very hurt. Of course. But you chose to hit below the belt and fight dirty rather than focusing on the matter at hand. That is where the logic is flawed here. In any case, you are right to not be very trusting after finding out she wanted to meet her ex. You were not wrong for breaking up with her for it. It violated your boundary. I don't think anyone's disputing the fact that you were justified in breaking up with her. That she can't understand why trying to see her ex would hurt you is a bad sign. You can't make someone see the error in their ways if they simply don't agree with you. Is she interested in reconciling at this point? It sounds as if she's very unsure she even wants that. She wanted to reconcile. I said to take it slow but was dodging her calls as i was still hurt. I wasn't nasty but it was just a bit hard. And i understand that if someone doesn't text back for 3 days in that situation, it hurts. She chased me down. I called her, explained how i felt. She said i need to open up more and it seems she is now re-assessing it. She said i had to work on my feelings, being in contact and she isn't unreasonably demanding but i can't disappear for days on end. She Just said we need to take it easy n work on it without jumping straight back in. This really hurt me and made me a lot more interested in getting her back. So since then we spoke a couple of nights. Seems to be going well. We arranged a time to talk, kept to it. Limited the texting but both been texting each other first when needed. Last night she text me after work n i called her. Seemed we were getting somewhere. She's on a different timezone and is working 12 hour days so i gotta be really patient at the moment. Not freak out and just see what we can do. Im going to take the above advice and mention a scenario about coming over , or hint at it n get a vibe for it. We are both pretty hurt going into this, so very delicate. She was 100% into getting me back, but iv obs hurt her leaving her hanging. So its building up a trust. she's pretty straight fwd though and hasn't said she doesn't want to work it out. So jus gonna keep being patient, see how it goes
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 You both need to learn to communicate like adults. There appears to be a lot of immaturity on both sides of this equation. Being drunk or unable to maintain an erection is no excuse to be a jerk. There is also no excuse for her contacting her ex behind your back. Are you sure you really want to try to revive this? It sounds that neither of you is that invested at this point.
Author Staw_hat Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Well there were no issues. We had a great few months together, aside from that first week. Before that had been 3 months no issues. I know that she hasn't loved someone like she does me before, and it's the same for me. When i initially got back in contact, she wanted to get back together. It was a week or so of me ignoring her efforts to communicate because i was still hurt. Now we are communicating again and it's really hard for me because now i don't know what she wants. And i'm 24 hours away on a plane. And she works 14 hours a day on an opposite time zone. Communication is tough. But we are both still trying. I wish i had the same choice as a few weeks ago when she was giving me time to get over what happened with a view to getting back together. So i'm just being patient. Hoping to talk to her soon and eventually bring up about coming over. She text me this morning, hopefully shell be around to speak to today.
Author Staw_hat Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 The trouble with all these scenarios is, when i didn't contact her she was at home wishing i would come back. Then we talked and i didn't fully say i was ready and she wanted me back. I wasnt texting much, she was chasing me. Then i tell her i want her as my gf, she said we have to work on it and not define it at the moment. Now i am texting, she has still been in contact but im feeling not as regularly. Thats probably me being paranoid though. We did speak two nights in a row n she's been working since but i'm feeling myself looking at my phone the whole day now and worrying. The last convo we had i said she looked nice and she said "Wow, you've given me a compliment" and said something flirty. I really wish i knew how not to blow it at this stage
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