chillydown Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 So my ex and I talked. I won't go into what happened in detail, but he went through what seems to be a massive panic attack, and totally lost it. After a week he came back and we talked. It was really sad. He decided to go to therapy and deal with his ****, and he ended the relationship since he can't emotionally handle anything. I have to now let go of the future we thought we would share and I am having a hard time. I'm 34. I thought we are going to marry and it was the first time in my life where I was so blissfully happy. So here I am. One week into this crap. My work suffers, I suffer, I haven't slept one night straight. I would appreciate any advice on how to cope with this. I hate the mornings, for some reason I wake up with this hole in my heart. I am trying to battle negative thinking (I will never find anyone as perfect for me as he was, I will be alone forever etc). How do I move on?
MajorOak Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You have already started moving on Chillydown, by feeling the way you do. These feelings are normal for a caring loving person who has been hurt in this manner imo. I know it's crap, I'm so sorry. Nothing will make much sense for a while, people's advice will not mean much either. Over time however all the dots will align. Here's what my dots made My thoughts are with you:) 1
Vincenator Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Whenever I'm feeling sad about my breakup, I tell myself to stay strong for myself and for the next partner to come into my life, and this means to not let the breakup ruin me, but instead use it as motivation to become the person I've always wanted to be
Author chillydown Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Thanks. I am fighting real hard with the whole "I will never have this again" thing. I think it's part of what's bringing me down. Going back into the dating world seems like going back into hell after I was in heaven. It's a horrible feeling.
stemac Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 chilly you don't need to think about dating, you need time lots of it, its been about 5 months for me and I have a date next Friday, but I still feel am I really ready for someone else, so you forget about dating its to early concentrate on your self, feel what your feeling, talk about it to friends and family, cry and cry some more, I still burst into tears now and then, its all part of healing, its a bloody hard road to go down, and at times will feel very lonely, but time will heal you, just as am sure the sun will rise tomorrow, keep strong x
Author chillydown Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Thanks. Perhaps you are right, since most of the time I don't feel open to anything. No one looks appealing to me. But EVERYONE keep telling me that if I won't get out there, I will keep being miserable and that I need to see and meet new guys. All I want is my old guy :/ Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can't wait to get to that place where the sun shines for me, since I am sad most of the time.
sorano Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Nobody will be appealing at this point. You will be thinking that you will never find anyone like your ex again. All the good memories will play back, especially the first time you met. We are all going through this and it sucks. I just made a thread about my first date with a girl five weeks after my break up. It was horrible. Too soon. I was still looking for traits that my ex had when I met this new girl for coffee. Not good. I am not ready. I too, was supposed to marry my ex. She dumped me. I hate her guts but it is what it is. Time will heal they say. I keep myself as busy as possible. At times it works, other times, I suffer and get depressed. Last night I ended up going to a bar alone and having a few drinks. Ended up meeting new people and we spoke about our bad relationships. They were going through the same crap as me. It was nice to vent 4
Author chillydown Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Thanks for sharing Sorano. It's good to know I'm not alone in this crap :/ I find it so unfair that he is the one that left (I can't even hate him, which sucks) and yet all I find beautiful is his face. How do you know when you're ready to date again?
sorano Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I wish I knew. Out of all the relationships I was in, this one was my first one that has me on my knees crying and suffering. The love was strong with this one. I have yet to figure out what to do or when to know its time to move on. some people told me, when you feel pain, suffering and sad, go with it and embrace it. Let it out. Do not date and wait until your better. Others told me, get back out and date. Maybe you will find one person that will break this spell. I just dont know. On that first date, I felt like I was cheating on my ex. Nobody at this point, will fill in for my ex. Nobody. even though its been 5 weeks out. Right now, I can't. And this recent date just verified it. My ex promised me and said a lot. You don't come into a italian house hold, talk about family, house, all that good stuff, and just leave. You can't change your mind within two weeks. Go from hot to cold. Thats bipolar and I believe she had underlying issues that I cannot fix bc of her past. For me, it was love at first site. I had to have her and went above and beyond. Even though I hate her with a passion and pray for her soul, I still love her deep down inside. 2
Raina314 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 You definitely don't have to worry about dating again just now. I've also been told that the key is to get back out there, but like sorano said, it really doesn't do much good if you're still miserable and thinking about your ex. it's also unfair to the people you date, since they're probably ready to go further. What I really struggle with is being able to see that I've made any progress whatsoever if I'm not "all better" so everytime I think I *might* be good I feel like I should maybe try to go on a date, and then I inevitably realize I'm not ready and then get really sad about the fact that I'm not ready and feel like I haven't made any progress . It's a slow going process for sure. Just don't rush yourself. And I totally feel you on the whole "mornings" thing. For a while I just wanted to die every time I opened my eyes and I don't think I've ever felt that way before. But that part is definitely something that goes away sooner rather than later. It hasn't been long for you. But soon, even though you might still be sad, this will stop seeming like a terrible nightmare and you'll start to feel like you're in your own body and life again, even if you aren't exactly happy. And then you'll at least have the strength to get up and face the day. Getting to that point took about a month or two for me. Everyone's different of course, but I feel like that first extreme period of pain is just too intense to last for very long. 1
sorano Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Today I had to go to the shopping center to go food shopping. Driving there, I didn't realize that in the plaza, was the jewelry store my ex took me to go look at rings. She was happy and so was I sitting there looking at which rings she liked. I pulled in and started crying. I had to leave. I still can't go to certain places. Another sign a person is not ready. Even just writing this, I tear up and feel like crying. I remember before this girl, I was alpha with women. I was a nice guy but I never let them hurt me or make me feel down. When my friends broke up with there gf, I would say oh man don't let these women win, screw them. Now I know how it feels when you loose someone you truly love.
jesslindy Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) People who say to just get back out there are void of feeling at an adult level, imo. That advice is counterproductive to growth and introspection. You're hurting, you can't be an acceptable partner let alone give someone even one good date. As for the feeling of "I'll never find this again". Do you really want to find a person who has emotional problems that make him or her an unacceptable partner for a LTR again? Think of it that way and it makes it pretty easy. Feel the ups and downs, read some books, occupy your mind, spend time with people you trust, and time will heal all. There is no timeline, and you only make it longer by talking it to him, thinking about him, and pining for someone who can't or won't be with you, or for what "could have been". Good luck, you'll be fine. Edited March 7, 2016 by jesslindy spelling
kasop Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 This is a good time to work on yourself. Dont start dati ng yet if you are in pain. It only makes it worst. My ex and i (were also supposed to marry) split around a month ago. Went on a date 2 weeks later with a new girl and she was really into me. After the second date i had to let her go. It wasent fair to me or her. All i could do is think about my ex. I felt as if i was cheating. Its pretty embarrasing to tell someone you cant date them because your hung up on your ex. So why even put yourself there. Id give it a few months of healing before seeing anyone else.
sorano Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 This is a good time to work on yourself. Dont start dati ng yet if you are in pain. It only makes it worst. My ex and i (were also supposed to marry) split around a month ago. Went on a date 2 weeks later with a new girl and she was really into me. After the second date i had to let her go. It wasent fair to me or her. All i could do is think about my ex. I felt as if i was cheating. Its pretty embarrasing to tell someone you cant date them because your hung up on your ex. So why even put yourself there. Id give it a few months of healing before seeing anyone else. I made a thread about the same thing. I went on a date a week ago and I felt like I was cheating on my ex. I got dumped. lesson learned. cant date right away
TheBathWater Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 The most obvious answer is that time heals all wounds, but I understand this is not very helpful to hear nor apply when you're in such acute crisis. Some practical suggestions I have are to mobilize any social or family supports you have, maintain a healthy diet and exercise, watch your substance use, and stay busy. One thing I like to do when I'm upset is read everything and anything I can get my hands on that help me make sense out of what I'm going through.
siochana Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Whenever I'm feeling sad about my breakup, I tell myself to stay strong for myself and for the next partner to come into my life, and this means to not let the breakup ruin me, but instead use it as motivation to become the person I've always wanted to be I don't disagree but there is a flip side. I thought I would meet someone else. But I haven't and its been three years. She has; and so if you link recovery to meeting someone else once can slip backwards into the funk. Impossible as it sounds; it might be better to accept, as one of your recovery first principles that it could be a loooooooooooong time before you meet someone else. That said, for all the hard won progress I have made I dont think ill be right again until I meet someone else. Until then, its very easy to confuse missing that person with just being lonely and single. 1
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