I always underperform on first dates

[redbirdnormal]

I don't know why

 

I just struggle

 

I can't think of anthing to say (cuz nothing will sound interesting)

 

I get nervous

 

it's awful

 

for some reason 2nd dates I'm so much better if i get that second date

 

why is this?

 

how can i improve?

[ff12343]

Practice builds confidence.

[joseb]

Sounds like you are building it up in your head way too much.

You are just meeting someone to see if you both click.

 

Are these online dates?

 

How long have you being communicating beforehand?

[d0nnivain]

Stop trying to be impressive. Instead learn to relax & just have fun. You are putting too much pressure on yourself.

 

 

Try to remember that everybody is nervous on a 1st date. It's natural.

 

 

If you do something awkward, just own it by acknowledging that you are nervous. It will help your date relax too.

 

 

It's also just a date. The future of the world does not hang in the balance so cut yourself some slack.

[fitnessfan365]

Have the first dates be really casual and inexpensive. If the setting is more relaxed, maybe you won't feel as much pressure. I mean nothing screams "audition" like an expensive sit down dinner.

 

On all my first dates, I'd always spend $10 or less just focusing on conversation. I never tried to impress women with fancy dinners or over the top activities right off the bat. My mindset was that she was going to like me for me, and not for being an entertainment director. Funny enough, I'd always get second dates and beyond with the women I actually wanted to pursue more.

[spriggan2]

I'm guessing you do better on 2nd dates because by landing a 2nd date that's given you some reassurance that the person is interested in you. With the first date it's unknown.

 

You shouldn't feel pressure to "perform" though because ideally you're just looking for someone who finds the natural you interesting and who you find interesting as well. Its a natural process and there's nothing you can do or control about it, there are too many unknowns and thinking about it too much just makes it worse. So relax and just enjoy the experience. If there are awkward silences just bask in them. Also a little bit of alcohol helps loosen up beforehand but don't get dependent on it.

 

The more you do it the better you'll be at saying things with confidence, feeling what works and doesnt. And you can practice outside of the dates. I joined a toastmasters chapter for getting good at rambling and storytelling. I go on this site called Tinychat and have webcam conversations with random people. I skype my long distance real life friends and try to bore them with stories and bad jokes. During the week I set myself a task of something socially uncomfortable that I'm going to do just to get over it. I try to maintain my social energy levels through the week.

 

I still have to figure out how to be or even practice being more verbally and physically flirtatious. Thats the hardest thing for me.

[Emilia]

I went on a very interesting talk a few weeks ago about how to build small talk with strangers. There are various techniques on how to prepare a list of things to talk about in advance. Have a little research on that. It's about asking questions in a way that allows you to connect beyond superficial conversations, to connect to positive feelings regardless what the subject is. Very interesting.

[Easyguy14]

I don't know why

 

I just struggle

 

I can't think of anthing to say (cuz nothing will sound interesting)

 

I get nervous

 

it's awful

 

for some reason 2nd dates I'm so much better if i get that second date

 

why is this?

 

how can i improve?

 

You already answered it "nerves" so an easy way to improve is not to think too much about it making such a great first impression, and just relax and go with the flow by being yourself.

[spriggan2]

I went on a very interesting talk a few weeks ago about how to build small talk with strangers. There are various techniques on how to prepare a list of things to talk about in advance. Have a little research on that. It's about asking questions in a way that allows you to connect beyond superficial conversations, to connect to positive feelings regardless what the subject is. Very interesting.

 

That does sound very interesting. Do you have any additional wisdom you could share from that?

[Emilia]

That does sound very interesting. Do you have any additional wisdom you could share from that?

 

It's quite hard to explain here but an example in the case of films: most people will just rattle off titles or actors. You could ask deeper: what are the top 3 things for you that make a good film? Let's say the other person says: funny, action-packed, my favourite actors are in it. So you drill a bit further: what is it that you like about your favourite actor? What do you get out of watching action-packed films? Is that the excitement? Do you like trying new things? Do you enjoy adventures?

 

The same on books, music, holidays, sport, recreation in general.

 

You try to drill into how a person feels without being intrusive and without asking them directly how they feel. Then if you want them in your life, you become knowledgeable in those things because you keep people in your life long term if they have use for you.

 

Same with hobbies: you don't relate to the activity, you relate to the feeling. How it feels to climb something (exciting, adrenaline, achievement), to play games (competitive, achievement), to go to debate society (intellectual satisfaction, working on being reserved and suceeding, etc)

 

So then you say, I also love an adrenaline rush by doing x, I get a great sense of achievement out of doing y, etc. Whatever is applicable that allows you to relate to a person at a deeper level.

Edited March 6, 2016 by Emilia

[smackie9]

Lower expectations. I get first impressions count, we all want to impress but that leads to a lot of stress. Changing your mindset takes time. When you get worried, think of something else to distract you from those thoughts. In time first dates will be nothing but something to look forward to. Best of luck.