Emaize3 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Hi, After a year and a half, I FINALLY met the best guy ever. All the previous ones bailed because they didn't like kids or they were commitment phobes or both. This man was loyal, kind, fun, positive. Everything was good. He did all the right things and we communicated well. Apparently, out of the blue, he breaks it off over the phone. He always told me to tell him immediately if there's a problem and he never told me about any issues. Although I knew there were some tensions. He said our parenting styles are too different. We both have kids in our teens. His, perfectly respectful. Mine, test the waters. I have a difficult son who got in his face and that was a huge problem. Anyway, after all the bad relationships, I finally found my true love. I can barely even write this post right now. I am literally sick with grief. I know there's not a chance for reconciliation. Even he has said nothing stays the same and our kids will be moving on. My son is 17 1/2 and currently lives out of state with his dad but does want to come back. Anyway, I can't take the pain anymore. I'm a wonderful loving woman who has been through one heartbreak after another and I seriously cannot take it. I have already heard "there's someone better out there". I will never find better than what I had. I can't even think of anything bad about him. All the other guys were not so nice so I knew I could do better. Why couldnt he just talk to me and understand that I want to work this out?? I'm totally willing. He says you can't fix everything. I can't believe he just "checked out." So painful. Everything I see is through a dark, gloomy haze. I'm just not me anymore.
Harry786 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Emaize, breaks my heart to read your story. I don't know what to say though.
Author Emaize3 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I understand. Thank you for reading.
LostOnes05 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Sorry to hear that Emaize. But think about it this way. Your son will always be in your life. If there is conflict between the two of them, from my perspective you will always choose your son....even if he was being a jerk. If your children like to test, then there is a sort of gray area as to what he can and can't say or do to discipline them. That alone can cause conflict between the two of you. If that was discussed then I'm not sure why he would leave. But I wish you the best and hope you begin to heal.
Author Emaize3 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Thank you LostOnes05, yes..I did side with my son even when he was wrong but I did tell my bf if we lived together and the kids were still there, he would be a part of the disciplining. Guess he felt it was all to hard. Nothing even went down before the break up so I guess it was on his mind for awhile. He just didn't share.
Wewon Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 He said our parenting styles are too different. We both have kids in our teens. His, perfectly respectful. Mine, test the waters. I have a difficult son who got in his face and that was a huge problem. This may sound mean and unsupportive but I hope that it at least provides some insight. I think that its reasons like this that people have an aversion to single parents and ready made familys. The dynamics are pretty much written in stone and they feel that they are in the position of either to like it or lump it. The step parent left playing a sort of 'catch up' and are essentially at the mercy of the child(ren) and new spouse. After saying that you would side with your son even if he's wrong, what sort of compromise can you honestly envision? Most likely he knew this and simply called it quits.
Author Emaize3 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 You are correct, wewon in all that you are saying. I see that I was wrong and needed to be a tougher parent. i agree that my son was wrong and let him know it. It's too late now, but if my ex took me back or with any new man, I would take control over the kids, which I should've done anyway. I'm so tired of hearing "it's the kids" when I'm such a loving, giving partner.
basil67 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you. Out of curiosity, what provoked your 17yo to get in your BFs face? Not saying that being in someone's face is OK, but there could be more to this than meets the eye.
Author Emaize3 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Good question. After a bitter divorce from his dad 10 years ago, my son decided that he will not respect any man in my life. I think he was jealous because I do so much for him and placing my attention on someone else is something he is not happy about. He feels like he has to take a back seat. I can't avoid a man forever just because my almost grown son doesn't approve. My bf was always good to my son. My son will not get counseling either
Paradigm Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 In my opinion, your bf should be trying to win your son's heart... not the other way around... Maybe he should've tried a different approach?
Author Emaize3 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 He wanted to and he's a wonderful role model and not afraid of dealing with kids. Guess my son made it too hard. I still don't know what other "differences" we have. We were pretty happy so it's beyond me what was so terrible. And if he wasn't happy like he recently said, he's a good actor.
Author Emaize3 Posted February 6, 2016 Author Posted February 6, 2016 Hi, This is my second post. It's been about a week and a half since I lost the love of my life. We were the perfect couple. Always smiling, happy, mature, affectionate. And we were together for a year and a half and just enjoyed each other to the fullest. We are not new at this either as we are Middle aged. I have a previous post of "so much pain" which gives more detail. Long story, my wonderful, loyal and loving bf broke up with me over the phone while at work. I emailed him and he said he'd call and also write me a letter and I got neither. I cannot live this way. I've tried this site, other sites, therapy etc. I am in so much pain every second of every minute. I cannot live this way. Just knowing that others are going through this too and I'm not alone is somewhat helpful. The thought that he will never reconcile (because he said if he ever has a break up, he's done) just kills me. He won't reach out, or talk to me. All he said when he broke it off is that we are too different and had different parenting styles and the relationship ran ts course! What?? He was the one who always said " never hold anything in" and I'll never leave you because of the kids. But he did and he blindsided me and blew me off, just like that! He has kids too by the way.. And all our kids are teens. I want to know how he could do that? Will he ever want to talk? Will NC work? I'm at a painful loss that he did this when we went from happy to done and I had no clue. Please help.
DarkHorizon Posted February 6, 2016 Posted February 6, 2016 Hi, This is my second post. It's been about a week and a half since I lost the love of my life. We were the perfect couple. Always smiling, happy, mature, affectionate. And we were together for a year and a half and just enjoyed each other to the fullest. We are not new at this either as we are Middle aged. I have a previous post of "so much pain" which gives more detail. Long story, my wonderful, loyal and loving bf broke up with me over the phone while at work. I emailed him and he said he'd call and also write me a letter and I got neither. I cannot live this way. I've tried this site, other sites, therapy etc. I am in so much pain every second of every minute. I cannot live this way. Just knowing that others are going through this too and I'm not alone is somewhat helpful. The thought that he will never reconcile (because he said if he ever has a break up, he's done) just kills me. He won't reach out, or talk to me. All he said when he broke it off is that we are too different and had different parenting styles and the relationship ran ts course! What?? He was the one who always said " never hold anything in" and I'll never leave you because of the kids. But he did and he blindsided me and blew me off, just like that! He has kids too by the way.. And all our kids are teens. I want to know how he could do that? Will he ever want to talk? Will NC work? I'm at a painful loss that he did this when we went from happy to done and I had no clue. Please help. Emaize, Clearly there must be more to the story. You might not know, but he surely does it. People don't simply change their minds about a serious relationship overnight; I am sure the signs were there for a long time, but your love kept you blind to them. Either he had some other reasons to leave that he decided not to share with you, or he was just not the man you pictured from day one. Said that, all you have left is to accept the fact that he is indeed gone. I know you want answers, but he is the only one that maybe could give you, but decided not to. So, there will be no answers, and you will have to accept that as well. Why? Because worrying about things we have absolute no control of can only bring more pain. There is only one way -- let go. I know, easier said than done, but nobody here is saying it is easy at all. Still, it has to be done. You have your kids, you had a life before him -- happiness and peace without him DO exist, and now you have a life after him. I imagine he had a huge impact on your life, but you have to treat it as he is now dead. When I lost my wife to cancer after nineteen years of marriage, I had to accept the reality of it. Situations are different, but the way you approach them are the same. It's how we cope with loss. The very first step? Don't be in denial. 2
Author Emaize3 Posted February 6, 2016 Author Posted February 6, 2016 I'm so sorry about your wife. You are correct with what you say and I know it. Like you said easier said than done. I'm very weak with this matter because I have been dumped many times so the pain is more and more each time. And I am a great gf. All my exs said so. This breakup was mainly about how we disciplined our kids differently. I knew he didn't like it but he never said anything to the extent of it being that bad in his mind. I just feel hopeless. I wish we could have had a decussion. If I knew it was this bad for him, I would have worked on it. That's the part that keeps stinging.
DarkHorizon Posted February 6, 2016 Posted February 6, 2016 I understand. Some people, rather just leave without any explanation, leaving the other in the dark. Regardless, it is about YOU now. Even if you don't become proactive about it, sooner or later you will be tired of feeling miserable, and you will naturally move on. With that in mind, what do you rather do? Keep dragging this pain with you for as long as you can, or wake up telling yourself "I am better than this"? Again, the first step is acceptance. Accept that he is gone and won't be back. With that in mind, the second step is to understand that he is the cause of your pain, so you do need to make sure there is no way for him to open that wound again. In other words, block him and remove every single trace of him from your everyday life. Ask mutual friends to not talk about him. Do not spy on him on social media. Third, distract yourself. Try to remember things you used to love before he came into your life. Spend quality time with your kids. Discover yourself again. Fall in love with yourself. Sooner than later, you will realize that no matter how great he was, there were key issues that would prevent the relationship to work at some point or another, so it is better that it ended sooner than later. You will be okay. You KNOW you will be okay. You've been to this place before and you bounced back. We all do. 1
Author Emaize3 Posted February 6, 2016 Author Posted February 6, 2016 I'm going to try to take your valuable advice and I really appreciate it. I blocked him from FB but when I saw he blocked me and my family, it put me in a depression. Something as little as that!! He won't contact me ever. This I know. He is very mentally tough. The scary part is when you say "you know you will be okay". This time I really don't know. Im sad beyond belief and don't want to feel the pain anymore. The "wait" time to heal is too long.
Captivating Posted February 6, 2016 Posted February 6, 2016 Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. His reasoning sounds like an excuse. He mentioned it to you before but you were never aware of the extent. Also, you feel blindsided. Sometimes people don't tell the real reason to save you from further hurt, sometimes they lack a backbone owning up to their own flaws - like meeting someone else they are interested in. I hope that your discipline style is peaceful and constructive Your kids come first always, make them a priority! Make sure that they know it too. A guy who really loves you will stick around. No contact is the way to go, to heal. You will get there, it takes time, be patient! Hang in there! 2
Author Emaize3 Posted February 6, 2016 Author Posted February 6, 2016 Thank you so much. The video was excellent! I'll keep watching it. 1
Author Emaize3 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Hi, Me again.. So here I am 5 weeks post bu. Still feeling just as bad a day one. I talk to friends, work, bought new clothes, see a therapist, read self help books, you name it! And I'm severely, severely depressed. I never really got answers to the break up. Some of the reasons were vague and I was completely blindsided. Anyway, I did NC for 4 weeks and sent a text yesterday saying "hey remember when this happened? It was so funny.. I had to laugh". He responded neutrally with "LMAO", which is exactly what I expected. So he responds, but that's all he says. Anyway, my days are dark and ugly and I wish I were dead. How can I accept that it's over? My thoughts are consumed with him and how good our relationship was (it really was good), which is why I'm struggling so much. How do I say "I hate him"? What can I do mentally regarding him so I can move on? I want to live life without him on my brain! So far, no such luck! Nothing works
Zahara Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) You're going through the stages of grief. You are suffering a loss. Denial, first and foremost. Read up on it. Sometimes you may cycle through those emotions in random order. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship Five weeks is very early into an ending. It's going to take months for you to feel some relief and breaking NC so soon into your healing was a bad decision on your part. You feel pain and you need relief and he is your fix. But realize that he is your source of pain therefore he cannot comfort you. So seeking him out when you're struggling is counterproductive. It may have given you some relief but just as tomorrow comes, you're right back where you started. It's futile. Everything you feel is normal. Your emotions are going to bounce all over the place. The only way to get past is to go through. And that means strict NC, and even when you hit withdrawals, you have to find ways to manage those feelings rather than reach out to him. Those urges to break NC will pass if you just allow yourself to work through them rather than react. You want a quick fix. It doesn't work that way. A few weeks is just the tip of the iceberg. Keep working on yourself, stay busy, keep distracted and whenever you feel you are weak and about to have a relapse -- post here, talk to a friend, go for a run, call your mum, go run an errand -- do something to occupy yourself until the urge passes, and it will. Don't sit there, dwell and feed the thought because you'll talk yourself into breaking NC. You received a lull response from him. Maybe that will help you see your reality. You need to invest more time in your healing. Edited March 6, 2016 by Zahara 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Hi, Me again.. So here I am 5 weeks post bu. Still feeling just as bad a day one. I talk to friends, work, bought new clothes, see a therapist, read self help books, you name it! And I'm severely, severely depressed. I never really got answers to the break up. Some of the reasons were vague and I was completely blindsided. Anyway, I did NC for 4 weeks and sent a text yesterday saying "hey remember when this happened? It was so funny.. I had to laugh". He responded neutrally with "LMAO", which is exactly what I expected. So he responds, but that's all he says. Anyway, my days are dark and ugly and I wish I were dead. How can I accept that it's over? My thoughts are consumed with him and how good our relationship was (it really was good), which is why I'm struggling so much. How do I say "I hate him"? What can I do mentally regarding him so I can move on? I want to live life without him on my brain! So far, no such luck! Nothing works You don't have to hate him. You have to realize that it's over though. Instead of trying to hate him, use his dismissive response as evidence of the new reality. 2
Satu Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Hi, Me again.. So here I am 5 weeks post bu. Still feeling just as bad a day one. I talk to friends, work, bought new clothes, see a therapist, read self help books, you name it! And I'm severely, severely depressed. I never really got answers to the break up. Some of the reasons were vague and I was completely blindsided. Anyway, I did NC for 4 weeks and sent a text yesterday saying "hey remember when this happened? It was so funny.. I had to laugh". He responded neutrally with "LMAO", which is exactly what I expected. So he responds, but that's all he says. Anyway, my days are dark and ugly and I wish I were dead. How can I accept that it's over? My thoughts are consumed with him and how good our relationship was (it really was good), which is why I'm struggling so much. How do I say "I hate him"? *What can I do mentally regarding him so I can move on? I want to live life without him on my brain! So far, no such luck! Nothing works *Realise that he's not the person you thought he was. Who he really is, is the man who walked away from you. Start there. 2
Author Emaize3 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Thank you everyone for your input. I'm well aware of the stages of grieving. Usually by now id be at acceptance but with this one, I'm still in all stages but that one. Specifically. Denial, bargaining and depression. The anger comes and goes. It's just really bad. I can't shake the thought of us being over and accepting it. 1
basil67 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I'm not saying this to be mean - but as a reality check. Your son has behavioural issues and was very disrespectful to your partner. Instead of putting your son in his place, you sided with him. It does sound like your ex was right when he said that your parenting styles were too different. The reason I say this is because reality has a place in recovery. Recovery is tough at the best of times, but when you're rejecting the reason the relationship ended it's only going to make it harder. Try to be real when you look back at how it went wrong. 1
Author Emaize3 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Basil67, you are correct. I guess what bothered me was that I asked my ex if this was going to be an issue. He said over and over that it wouldn't be and that he was stronger than that and he could handle it. He should've been honest from the get go. Maybe if he sat down with me and said "this is an issue" I could've worked better with my son. I let things go with my son and shouldn't have and although I should've been working harder with my son, I didn't put much effort. My ex didn't like that but also never said he'd leave.
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