jen1447 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Did you ever ask for clarification on who the guy was? Seems like you're assuming it was sth romantic/sexual, but do you know that?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Do I need to hide what happened from everyone? Of course I'm not going to just tell people what happened but we both have a coworker we sometimes confide in, should I tell her what happened and ask her for advice? Maybe she can straighten things out, I don't hold grudges and don't like dealing with mopey coworkers. Leave your other coworker out of it! Trust me, it will only cause more drama and leave it open to gossip. Don't tell anyone at work. Just act like nothing has happened and be professional. From her point of view, you completely overreacted storming off and sending those messages which is why she blocked you. I'm not saying what she did was right, I'm just stating what she is likely thinking. If you involve other people and continue to make a big deal about it, she will go on the defensive, which will cause more problems. Just let it go, and continue being polite and professional. Try and avoid any contact with her for a while if possible.
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 OP, you are now being passive-aggressive when you should just go No Contact immediately. Why do you need - or want? - to see her again? Seriously? lack of willpower after a severe lack of sleep + no immediate friends to keep me busy (i just moved to a new town at the start of last month)
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) Did you ever ask for clarification on who the guy was? Seems like you're assuming it was sth romantic/sexual, but do you know that? jen, who could it have been...her plumber, tattoo artist or brother as two others suggested earlier? Why would her plumber or tattoo artist or any other man ask her when is next time she is coming over, to which she responded "later" ...after her date with OP...WITHOUT it being for sex? Who does this? And don't you think if it *was* innocent, she would have explained that to OP? Instead of allowing him to think the obvious? Edited March 6, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 jen, who could it have been...her plumber, tattoo artist or brother as two others suggested earlier? Why would her plumber or tattoo artist or any other man ask her when is next time she is coming over, to which she responded "later" ...after her date with OP...WITHOUT it being for sex? Who does this? And don't you think if it *was* innocent, she would have explained that to OP? that+ the fact that I have a hard time believing that a drunk girl + a drunk guy who like each other meeting up at home is just going to lead to "talking" It's totally possible that I misinterpreted what she said and got falshe hopes, but my memory is quite good even after a few drinks.
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) Leave your other coworker out of it! Trust me, it will only cause more drama and leave it open to gossip. Don't tell anyone at work. Just act like nothing has happened and be professional. From her point of view, you completely overreacted storming off and sending those messages which is why she blocked you. I'm not saying what she did was right, I'm just stating what she is likely thinking. If you involve other people and continue to make a big deal about it, she will go on the defensive, which will cause more problems. Just let it go, and continue being polite and professional. Try and avoid any contact with her for a while if possible. No he did not overreact (initially)...and he did not *storm off*. After this most unfortunate and disrespectful incident occurred, he left ....which is precisely what I and any person with self-respect would have done. Except, most people would be moving on after this, not continuing to communicate and leaving door open to continue dating....no no no, wrong response IMO. Edited March 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Member request ~T 1
jen1447 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 that+ the fact that I have a hard time believing that a drunk girl + a drunk guy who like each other meeting up at home is just going to lead to "talking" It's totally possible that I misinterpreted what she said and got falshe hopes, but my memory is quite good even after a few drinks. Ok well ....you can assume all you want but I'm beginning to see some possible reasons why she doesn't want anything to do with you at this point, if that's your typical behavior. :-/ What would have been so hard about asking "hey who's that guy?" Would have cleared everything up right there. If she says "oh he's this guy I shag once in a while" you would have been plainly justified to walk right then and there, but if it's something else you'd also, you know, actually know, and you wouldn't have to put yourself thru this torment. 1
SammySammy Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I'm not sure she owes him an explanation. Even if it was a booty call, the OP wasn't showing any interest in her booty. Why not accept an invitation from another guy? As far as she was concerned, hanging out with this guy was like hanging out with her girlfriends. It may be best for these two to go their separate ways. However, if you're an man and you don't show sexual interest in a woman, don't be surprised if she accepts it from somebody else.
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Ok well ....you can assume all you want but I'm beginning to see some possible reasons why she doesn't want anything to do with you at this point, if that's your typical behavior. :-/ What would have been so hard about asking "hey who's that guy?" Would have cleared everything up right there. If she says "oh he's this guy I shag once in a while" you would have been plainly justified to walk right then and there, but if it's something else you'd also, you know, actually know, and you wouldn't have to put yourself thru this torment. I see your point jen, but in all likelihood, she's not gonna admit he is some guy she's shagging, my guess is she would simply say he's a *friend*. Again, just a guess though. Sometimes ya just gotta utilize your common sense in situations like this ...but I do see your point, he could have asked ...and I can understand how his behavior afterwards would be a turn off too.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 No he did overreact (initially)...and he did not *storm off*. Actually, according to him he did. They were his choice of words, not mine. In hindsight, I should have asked her who the guy was and not stormed off immediately but that seemed like a pretty clear case of bootycall to me. After this most unfortunate and disrespectful incident occurred, he left ....which is precisely what I and any person with self-respect would have done. I don't disagree with you about that. He did the right thing. I am only trying to explain it from her point of view. I am not saying I agree with it. I am just trying to help him understand the type of person he is dealing with. ....no no no, wrong response IMO. You a free to disagree with my advice, but I stand by what I said. He should not get another coworker involved and make the situation more tense. I have seen it happen and have watched it become more of an issue then it needed to be. I feel for the guy, how she behaved was wrong. However, it is exactly that type of self involved person who cause problems for him if he talks to other coworkers about it. I'm only trying to help. 1
joseb Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 well, my self-respect told me to leave the message i wrote her was "hey, will we be ok on monday or is there something we need to talk about considerung the evening ended a bit awkward?". Second message, which was admittedly cringy, 4 hours later: "Hey i'm ok with the harsh rejection but it would be nice to at least get a short answer" Please stop contacting her. CarrieT is right, it comes across as passive aggressive. After reading fitnessfans comment I'm wondering if she thought this was a date at all. Did you add her out. Or were you just out with work people and she was one?
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 thanks for the perspective ladies and gentlemen I obviously have to work on my dating skills (especially communication) and on myself. I will post an update tomorrow evening if you'd like to hear about the day
lino Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 This is why you don't get involved with women at your work. At least now you know what type of woman you're dealing with. Unless you simply want to be another guy she takes home, don't be anything other than professional with her at work.
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) Actually, according to him he did. They were his choice of words, not mine. I don't disagree with you about that. He did the right thing. I am only trying to explain it from her point of view. I am not saying I agree with it. I am just trying to help him understand the type of person he is dealing with. You a free to disagree with my advice, but I stand by what I said. He should not get another coworker involved and make the situation more tense. I have seen it happen and have watched it become more of an issue then it needed to be. I feel for the guy, how she behaved was wrong. However, it is exactly that type of self involved person who cause problems for him if he talks to other coworkers about it. I'm only trying to help. Oh I absolutely agree he should NOT involve the co-worker...he needs to leave this alone, be professional at work and move on.... I don't even think he should talk to her about it, she doesn't owe him anything ...they have only had a few dates. This is the time when they evaluate each other's behavior, and it is pretty clear she is not all that into him, he should accept that and again move on. Ya know, I had a great date last night, and if during the night, some strange girl who I did not know approached my date, and asked when was the next time he was coming over, and he responded "later tonight" ....right in front of my face, without introducing me, and/or explaining who she was....I would have been mortified, after which I would have politely excused myself and left. Next! Edited March 6, 2016 by katiegrl
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Please stop contacting her. CarrieT is right, it comes across as passive aggressive. After reading fitnessfans comment I'm wondering if she thought this was a date at all. Did you add her out. Or were you just out with work people and she was one? Add her out? Sorry, i'm not a native english speaker. It was just the two of us everytime (until the last )
joseb Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 thanks for the perspective ladies and gentlemen I obviously have to work on my dating skills (especially communication) and on myself. I will post an update tomorrow evening if you'd like to hear about the day Ok regardless of any communication problems on your side what she did was beyond rude. I really hope you just leave her to it. She isn't worth wasting your energy on. And don't date any more co-workers!
joseb Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Add her out? Sorry, i'm not a native english speaker. It was just the two of us everytime (until the last ) Oops. My fat fingers are no good on this phone! I meant "ask her out".
road Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I know that it's over, I'm just asking for advice on how to deal with the situation at work if she's rude there as well Act like nothing happened. Be professional. Be polite when having business related contact. Otherwise keep your distance. 2
Jabron1 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) I would have asked the guy who he was and what he wants. I probably would have told him to f' off and find another girl to shag. If the girl would have encouraged it, I would have walked away in disgust. I might have given her a piece of my mind as well. I was in a similar position recently. You need to stand up for yourself. If another guy is hitting on your woman, you need to destroy it ASAP. Better to be too harsh than too soft IMO. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/570611-how-best-deal-someone-trying In your case, it sounds like both the guy and the girl were taking liberties. There's something about your vibe which has given this girl the impression that she can exploit you for attention, and ditch you when a stronger man comes along. He gets sex; you get ditched. I never would have contacted her again. I wouldn't even want to look at her again. I really can't believe you are still talking to her. Where's your pride? These people are sensing a lack of fire in you. That's why they think they can take the piss. People will tell you 'don't get angry'. Sod that. You should be angry, but it seems like you are content to be treated badly. Edited March 7, 2016 by Jabron1
aussietigerwolf Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I'm curious... Would you have even believed her if she had said the guy was her relative?
Jabron1 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I'm curious... Would you have even believed her if she had said the guy was her relative? Would you? I wouldn't. Him (walking past in a bar): 'When are you coming to my place again?' Her: 'Later tonight' I suppose they're kissing cousins... 1
Jabron1 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Actually, having read the OP again, it sounds like he hadn't done anything with the girl yet. OP needs to be more assertive in general. So many harsh lessons to learn in one thread: 1. Don't date co-workers 2. Always go for a kiss on the first date 3. Never accept the grey-zone 4. Frame control is everything 5. Stand up for yourself 6. Everything about no-contact
dumbass2 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 OP have you been romantic with her at all? Have you two kissed and I' m not talking a little peck? Have you held hands or shown any affection towards her? If you have gone out with her on a "date" a number of times and nothing romantic has happened, then she might be feeling you out as just a friend. It was still rude what she did, but more so if you two have been romantic with each other. Either way, don't text her again or ask her anything personal. You're starting to come off too needy and turning her off if there was anything there. Let he come to you if she wants to talk about it, but don't wait for her and move forward. Do not talk to other co-workers about this. If any of them ask, just brush it off. If there is a friend that doesn't work with you and hang with your co-workers, then maybe talk with that person. Keep the personal completely out of the work place. 1
Miss Peach Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I'm going to try this at a different angle. Did she know you were actually on a date? I go out for drinks with male coworkers all the time. (My industry is mostly male though.) It's not unusual for it to be one on one even. I have never considered these meetings dates. 1
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