Amorphium2 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Ok, the following situation: I went out 2 times with a coworker, we spent around 4-5 hours at bars. After the second date she asked if I wanted to go out with her again, I happily agreed of course. We both agreed to take it slow and see where our dates lead to and I don't have an expectation of exclusivity. I told her I need some time to trust women because of a bad relationship in the past (my last girlfriend cheated on me with my "best" friend). The 3rd date went well, we were in different bars until midnight. We go to another bar and smoke outside. Then some guy she knows comes by and asks her when she wants to come over to his place again. She tells him that she will come to his place later that night. I was standing beside her and at first couldn't believe she'd say that when I am standing next to her, then I tell her to not keep the guy waiting and go home. after two days of no contact i send her a text ( i know, bad mistake) and ask her if we need to talk about anything or if everything at work is going to be ok. She reads the text but doesn't answer, after a few hours I write her again (now i'm getting really dumb) and she replies that she is currently out with friends and can't answer. fortunately i'm not dumb enough to contact her further. In hindsight, I should have asked her who the guy was and not stormed off immediately but that seemed like a pretty clear case of bootycall to me. Did I overreact? I plan on being my usual at work to not make it awkward for anyone, but any advice to deal with the situation is obviously welcome. 1
DC77 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 She was rude and disrespectful. Not deserving of your time. My advice, let it go completely. How you reacted is done and can't be changed. Just move forward and know you are better deserving than someone like that. At work, be professional. If you can truly let it go, there shouldn't be an issue. She's just another face and coworker. 2
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 We both agreed to take it slow and see where our dates lead to and I don't have an expectation of exclusivity. Then what's the problem here? Talking it slow with no exclusivity is what you wanted, is what you're getting looks like. Then some guy she knows comes by and asks her when she wants to come over to his place again. She tells him that she will come to his place later that night. You jumped the gun. He could be anyone, her tattoo artist, her plumber, her gay friend, her cousin, or just her guy friend. 6
kendahke Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 This is a good example of why it's bad policy to date your coworkers. I don't think you overreacted, what she did was dismissive and rude; but once you started treating her like your therapist by telling her your past relationship issues, she may have tossed you over into the friendzone and just felt you were cool to hang out with, but it wasn't going to lead anywhere. The real sign of being over the past is to not bring it into the present. All that aside, no--you were in the right by being insulted by what she did. The onus was on her to not accept an invite to another guy's house while a. out on a date with you and b. you standing right next to her. That was unnecessary and should tell you everything you need to know about what a toxic b she is. 5
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 You jumped the gun. He could be anyone, her tattoo artist, her plumber, her gay friend, her cousin, or just her guy friend. Her brother... 2
Satu Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 99% of the time, the gut feeling of 'wrongness' turns out to be right. 2
FastHands Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 She could have cleared it up with you and yes that was pretty bad sly to do that next to you. 1
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 thank you guys and girls, I was getting pretty confused about myself 1
Alamo657 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You lost control because you couldn't believe what you saw, and rightly so. Next. 4
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 If you are looking for someone to help build up your trust with women, your coworker is not a good choice. Whatever her motives or intentions are, it doesn't really matter. Right now you are clearly still dealing with trust issues, which is understandable considering what you have been through. She has an active social life and likes spending time with different guys, which is going to cause you you a lot of insecurity. Whether those feelings are justified or not isn't the point, the point is that dating her isn't going to make you happy, only create more insecurity in your mind, and cause tension between you both. If you need another reason to forget about pursuing her, you are also coworkers which makes the situation more problematic. You need to try and keep things as professional as possible. Personally, it doesn't really sound like you are ready to be dating yet, as the wounds are still too raw. Some people find counselling helpful to work through those emotions, but only you can decide if that sounds right for you. When you are ready to begin dating someone again, I strongly urge you to look outside work, and anyone within your circle of friends. You don't need anymore drama than necessary. Take care. 2
joseb Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I must admit I've never heard anyone doing anything this blatant before. I suppose technically you weren't "exclusive" but come on, agreeing to go to another guys house while on a date with you? It's even worse considering she knew you were sensitive and hurt from before. By the way, I wouldn't be telling potential dates stuff like that. If you feel you have to talk about it on dates, then maybe you are not ready to date yet. Anyway, definitely have nothing more to do with this person. 4
almond Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 She's unbelievably rude and disrespectful at the very least. If this guy asking her to come over was a friend, she should have introduced you before just accepting his offer to go to his house that night in front of you. At the very least, she should have offered an explanation after the fact. Totally disgusting behaviour. If it was in fact a booty call and she accepted in that manner, then the guy that asked is a piece of crap to approach like that while she is with another man, and she's a total piece of crap to humiliate you like that by accepting in front of your face. Kick her to the curb and don't look back...not even a quick glance. You dodged a bullet. 4
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 thank you again for helping me stay at least somewhat sane I agree I need to be more careful with what i tell other people on dates, I usually just want them to know that I am interested, just taking it slow. I still find it weird that she was the one to break contact, but I guess that's life and I need to move on. Thank you all
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Ok, so it seems she has blocked me on whatsapp. I checked to see if she had answered about wanting to talk before we see each other at work, I can't see her last online status anymore which she always displays because of her family's request. What do I do if she acts weird at work? Obviously be polite and professional etc but what if she makes life difficult? I don't really want to talk to her in person if she doesn't want me to contact her. But I spending days in the office like that will not help either of us I fear. Any recommendations?
SugarLips72 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 She was rude. She should have said " I'll touch base with you later I'm with someone right now". I think you already know this thing is already over. 2
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 I know that it's over, I'm just asking for advice on how to deal with the situation at work if she's rude there as well
kgcolonel Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Ok, so it seems she has blocked me on whatsapp. I checked to see if she had answered about wanting to talk before we see each other at work, I can't see her last online status anymore which she always displays because of her family's request. What do I do if she acts weird at work? Obviously be polite and professional etc but what if she makes life difficult? I don't really want to talk to her in person if she doesn't want me to contact her. But I spending days in the office like that will not help either of us I fear. Any recommendations? Okay, here's my take....if this girl has half a brain....she knows she acted inappropriately and rudely. That being said, I'll bet she is embarrassed and is likely concerned that you'll discuss this situation with others at work. If she doesn't have that half of a brain...she's got a sense of entitlement and dramatic lack of social skills. Anyone who acts like this is what she is..... I would just ignore her and keep your distance as much as possible....you've got nothing to gain by engaging her....if asked, just say you each have different ideas of respective behaviors...leave it at that....don't worry about your actions as she had the responsibility of being respectful of you as you two were on a date....accepting a date the way she did is inexcusable....even if wasn't a date, she had the responsibility of explaining what was going on and introducing you to the other guy.... 2
Easyguy14 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Ok, the following situation: I went out 2 times with a coworker, we spent around 4-5 hours at bars. After the second date she asked if I wanted to go out with her again, I happily agreed of course. We both agreed to take it slow and see where our dates lead to and I don't have an expectation of exclusivity. I told her I need some time to trust women because of a bad relationship in the past (my last girlfriend cheated on me with my "best" friend). The 3rd date went well, we were in different bars until midnight. We go to another bar and smoke outside. Then some guy she knows comes by and asks her when she wants to come over to his place again. She tells him that she will come to his place later that night. I was standing beside her and at first couldn't believe she'd say that when I am standing next to her, then I tell her to not keep the guy waiting and go home. after two days of no contact i send her a text ( i know, bad mistake) and ask her if we need to talk about anything or if everything at work is going to be ok. She reads the text but doesn't answer, after a few hours I write her again (now i'm getting really dumb) and she replies that she is currently out with friends and can't answer. fortunately i'm not dumb enough to contact her further. In hindsight, I should have asked her who the guy was and not stormed off immediately but that seemed like a pretty clear case of bootycall to me. Did I overreact? I plan on being my usual at work to not make it awkward for anyone, but any advice to deal with the situation is obviously welcome. I'd let the situation just fade away naturally so things at work can remain normal. 1
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Okay, here's my take....if this girl has half a brain....she knows she acted inappropriately and rudely. That being said, I'll bet she is embarrassed and is likely concerned that you'll discuss this situation with others at work. If she doesn't have that half of a brain...she's got a sense of entitlement and dramatic lack of social skills. Anyone who acts like this is what she is..... I would just ignore her and keep your distance as much as possible....you've got nothing to gain by engaging her....if asked, just say you each have different ideas of respective behaviors...leave it at that....don't worry about your actions as she had the responsibility of being respectful of you as you two were on a date....accepting a date the way she did is inexcusable....even if wasn't a date, she had the responsibility of explaining what was going on and introducing you to the other guy.... Thank you. I texted her so we could clear things before meeting at work, I'll just stay neutral as planned. Do I need to hide what happened from everyone? Of course I'm not going to just tell people what happened but we both have a coworker we sometimes confide in, should I tell her what happened and ask her for advice? Maybe she can straighten things out, I don't hold grudges and don't like dealing with mopey coworkers. I'd let the situation just fade away naturally so things at work can remain normal. thank you:)
fitnessfan365 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 Holy crap man.. That's one of the most brutal things I've heard in awhile. Any woman that would do that right in front of you is not worth your time IMO. The only question I have is are you sure that these were actual dates you were on? I know you thought they were. But what if she was just doing friendly hang outs with you outside of work and you took it the wrong way? That might explain why she so openly accepted the invitation from the other guy.
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Holy crap man.. That's one of the most brutal things I've heard in awhile. Any woman that would do that right in front of you is not worth your time IMO. The only question I have is are you sure that these were actual dates you were on? I know you thought they were. But what if she was just doing friendly hang outs with you outside of work and you took it the wrong way? That might explain why she so openly accepted the invitation from the other guy. We spoke about liking each other and agreeing to see if this leads to anything. Even if those were not dates, cutting contact is a bit harsh in my opinion. Well, I will probably find out tomorrow
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 We spoke about liking each other and agreeing to see if this leads to anything. Even if those were not dates, cutting contact is a bit harsh in my opinion. Well, I will probably find out tomorrow Wow, I am shocked. What she did was about as disrespectful as one could get. Where is your self-respect? Please.... set higher standards for yourself, and better boundaries ...otherwise you come off as a pushover, and there isn't a woman alive who would respect a pushover. You should tell her her behavior was disrespectful, unacceptable, wish her well and move the hell on. No woman will respect you if YOU don't respect yourself first.
Author Amorphium2 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 Wow, I am shocked. What she did was about as disrespectful as one could get. Where is your self-respect? Please.... set higher standards for yourself, and better boundaries ...otherwise you come off as a pushover, and there isn't a woman alive who would respect a pushover. You should tell her her behavior was disrespectful, unacceptable, wish her well and move the hell on. well, my self-respect told me to leave the message i wrote her was "hey, will we be ok on monday or is there something we need to talk about considerung the evening ended a bit awkward?". Second message, which was admittedly cringy, 4 hours later: "Hey i'm ok with the harsh rejection but it would be nice to at least get a short answer"
CarrieT Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 OP, you are now being passive-aggressive when you should just go No Contact immediately. Why do you need - or want? - to see her again? Seriously? 2
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