Dolfin80 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 This post is horrifying. The OP is going to wake up one day and have no friends or family around her because of her husbands actions. His behaviour is so far from normal yet she is struggling to see the truth. He is plain and simply abusive. There's no middle ground here. His arrogance in his conversation with her is astounding. Even the way he talks to her is a disgrace. She really needs to wake up and smell the coffee. The whole thing is beyond horrifying. Why was he allowed to continue to talk to your friend in such a way? Did you or anyone else in the room intervene? No? Because he is a bully and everyone is scared of him. Your husband show's zero remorse. Has a complete and totally lack of empathy and an over inflated ego and sense of entitlement. Normal people do not behave this way. You need to wake up! She's pregnant to him.
266696687 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 She's pregnant to him. Even more reason to get away from him. She has a child to protect. How he deals with her friends and family is exactly how he will deal with their child. 2
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Even more reason to get away from him. She has a child to protect. How he deals with her friends and family is exactly how he will deal with their child. I have to agree, poor little thing. 2
bathtub-row Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I think you're cutting him way too much slack, he offers the same boorish bullying to her family also. This isn't "boys will be boys". Even the most aggressive of my friends, the guys that won't hesitate to turn the knife, know how to behave around other people. At best the OP's husband is socially maladjusted, at worst he's just an a**hole... Mr. Lucky Abusers pick their victims carefully. They pick the ones who will either spend a lot of time excusing their behavior, or trying to understand it. The truth is, she should have never excused this behavior not tried to understand it. OP, once your child is born, you're going to see a whole new level of abuse. I'm sorry that you can't see the drama and abuse that he has you caught up in. Your friends will eventually distance themselves from you. You're making a choice right now to excuse what he does. What are you going to do when he turns that anger on you and your child? How many times will you stick around and try to "help" him? 3
MightyPen Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 This "abusers" stuff is going waaaaaaaaaaaaay overboard, in my opinion. He apparently doesn't tolerate just letting people say (what he perceives) to be stupid, nonsensical things. I'm guilty of the same approach. I find it hard to just ignore someone spouting what I perceive to be illogical stuff. But he has to learn to take a deep breath and remove himself from the situation when possible (as you suggested). Is your husband very intelligent? I am guessing he is. I do think he needs to back off and just let you interact with your friends. Nothing is gained by him ripping them a new one.
jen1447 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I do think he needs to back off and just let you interact with your friends. Nothing is gained by him ripping them a new one. Doesn't sound like that's really in his skill set. He knows better after all, and the world MUST BE CORRECTED when it has the gall to be so stupid. I agree that's not necessarily outright abuser behavior (tho it's getting uncomfortably dicey), but it's certainly controller behavior. (A person who disagrees is someone who must be straightened out etc. - e.g. the situation must be controlled.) Controller is the only slightly less creepy neighbor to abuser. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 He apparently doesn't tolerate just letting people say (what he perceives) to be stupid, nonsensical things. I'm guilty of the same approach. I find it hard to just ignore someone spouting what I perceive to be illogical stuff. MP, do you aggressively confront these "nonsensical" folks at low-key events like family gatherings and parties for you wife's friends ??? Is their only choice to either agree with you that they're "stupid" or flee the house in tears? Must make for fun holiday events and birthday parties ... Mr. Lucky 2
MightyPen Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 MP, do you aggressively confront these "nonsensical" folks at low-key events like family gatherings and parties for you wife's friends ??? Is their only choice to either agree with you that they're "stupid" or flee the house in tears? Must make for fun holiday events and birthday parties ... Mr. Lucky Of course not. I already said the best approach is to remove yourself from the situation. But there is a point...and it's subjective as to when the point arrives...where if you're unable to leave the situation that you are entitled to respond with your opinion, even if said opinion is bluntly given. But let's steer this back to the OP. I don't see why religion was being discussed in detail at a "low key" social event as the OP described anyway. If the guest was insistent on pushing her views (I don't know this is the case), then I could see a host shutting her down. And his texts seemed very sensible and logical to me.
MightyPen Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Doesn't sound like that's really in his skill set. He knows better after all, and the world MUST BE CORRECTED when it has the gall to be so stupid. I agree that's not necessarily outright abuser behavior (tho it's getting uncomfortably dicey), but it's certainly controller behavior. (A person who disagrees is someone who must be straightened out etc. - e.g. the situation must be controlled.) Controller is the only slightly less creepy neighbor to abuser. I'm glad someone else thinks "abuse" is taking it too far. And as far as being "controlling," many men and women communicate in a blunt, direct style. It's up to the receiver and the totality of the circumstances whether or not it amounts to "controlling." Keep in mind that many others communicate in a less direct, but more manipulative style that may be every bit as "controlling" as the direct style would be.
anika99 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 "Me: So, given that someone you find it hard to ignore is going to be a sustained presence in your life through friendship with me.... we should roll out a plan for future interactions. Like, if Mary is ever being annoying, you should leave the room. My Husband: but that's your M.O. That's like me telling you to be more aggressive with my friends, because that's my M.O." OP I have a feeling that if your M.O was to offend and alienate his friends and family that he would not tolerate one minute of it and he would tell you that you better change your M.O immediately. The thing that most struck me about that long text exchange was how you were treating him like he is so fragile and easily offended. Perhaps it's just your nature to be extremely gentle and patient with others and if so I admire you for that. However it made me wonder if you were choosing your words so carefully because your husband is one of those bullies who can dish it but can't take it. Like it's fine for him to aggressively go after somebody for having an opinion he doesn't agree with to the point that the other person is leaving in tears but he flips out if anyone is that disrespectful to him. I don't know if he is abusive but your text convo with him certainly is a cause for concern. I once had a long term relationship with a guy who could certainly humiliate me and embarrass me at times because he was socially inept, didn't think before he spoke, and drank too much alcohol. As you can imagine that combination led to a few bad social occasions. I didn't think of him as an abuser then and I still don't. He really loved me, wouldn't hurt a hair on my head and never controlled or dominated me, which is why I was willing to put up with his occasional oafish behaviour. There was a difference between him and your husband however. My ex and I would never have had that long winded conversation where he would defend himself and try to convince me that he was right and everyone else had a problem. Instead when he saw he offended my people and I was genuinely hurt, he would apologize to me and then he would apologize to the other people involved. Im sure he didn't exactly enjoy the handing out apologies part but he had to eat crow a few times and he did it for me. I also tolerated things about his friends that I couldn't stand and I did it for him, because I loved him. That is the bottom line here. It's not about who is right, it's not about if Mary has illogical beliefs, it's about your husband loving you enough to not alienate your friends and family. It's not about Mary, it's about you and him. If his behaviour is damaging your relationships and he doesn't want to make amends for that, no matter how right he thinks he is, then I think you have to question if he really loves and respects you. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 But there is a point...and it's subjective as to when the point arrives...where if you're unable to leave the situation that you are entitled to respond with your opinion, even if said opinion is bluntly given. This is where we disagree. The individuals involved aren't on the Ivy League debate team, this isn't Harvard vs. Yale. They're guests in his home and he - through his wife - is the host. If Mary's motivated to espouse New Age opinions, that's on her. The host's job is to refill her glass and offer her a napkin, not a dissenting opinion or attempt to shout her down. The bigger issue here is his inability to accommodate his wife's sensibilities when it comes to her friends Rather than offering her any consideration, He. Must. Be. Right. I'd have zero patience with this behavior... Mr. Lucky 6
jen1447 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 The bigger issue here is his inability to accommodate his wife's sensibilities when it comes to her friends Rather than offering her any consideration, He. Must. Be. Right. Which doesn't bode well for the prospects of any future consideration and shows that the control dynamics are most important to him. I have no patience for it either and it's def a 'call-out' moment for me, rather than be cowed and go along. Usually works well bc the person doing the lecturing is generally used to getting their way and doesn't expect to be challenged. 2
Miss Peach Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) He's basically telling you he doesn't care. He'll do and say as he pleases, even if it hurts your friends, your family and you. Your husband doesn't care. Let that sink in....he doesn't care that he is hurting you. Please don't make excuses, he's usually nice, just sometimes. It's a control thing. He has got your right where he wants you. Reading the text conversation was so infuriating, and very exhausting. I bet you're exhausted. You sound like a wonderful woman. You handled it well. But please now, all this work you're doing will exhaust you and break you down. Yes! Reading your conversation reminded me a lot of my XH. It took me a long time to see that he 'couldn't stop' and didn't care that he would hurt me over and over, drive all my friends away, isolate me, etc. I made excuses for him too for a long time. This screams at least verbal abuse. Maybe emotional abuse too. I highly urge you to read about it with an open mind. I made so many excuses I didn't want to believe my ex was abusive until I came down with horrible anxiety when he was nearby. Even if you don't want to call it abusive it screams entitlement, disrespect, and lack of empathy. All of these are relationship killers. Two books I highly recommend are 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft and 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' By Patricia Evans. There are many conversations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship book that will sounds a lot like what you posted here. Edited March 7, 2016 by Miss Peach 2
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Abuse is typically very subtle, which is why some people get sucked into it. What this guy is doing is testing the waters to see how far he can push her. Before she knows it, she'll be so deeply entrenched and so isolated, she'll feel she has nowhere to turn. And shame will be a big part of what will keep her there. OP tiptoes around this guy. I know the difference between someone who just has spirited conversations and anti-social behavior. I was with an abusive guy who was, btw, a sheer genius. But his emotional intelligence was that of a 2-yr-old. I don't throw the abuse word around lightly but I can see the signs and I see it in this case. 2
basil67 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) I agree with those who were questioning why he was there in the first place. My husband had a mate who's wife drove me nutty because she constantly complained. Hubby invited the mate and wife over and I made it very clear that I didn't want to be there because she drives me crazy. I told him that they were welcome in the house, but that I was going out somewhere else. He absolutely insisted that it would be rude of me to go out and that I must play host. Anyway, they came and I ended up losing my temper and going on a massive, massive rant to her. It wasn't a good look for me, but I'd hate to be called abusive because I was placed in a situation which I really didn't want to be in. Then again, for this guy it's a pattern. I really don't know Edited March 8, 2016 by basil67
BettyDraper Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 That's a good thing to pay attention to, which I hadn't thought about. I don't think it's at that extreme point, though, because MOST of the time he is really nice to my friends. And he doesn't try to stop me from seeing them on my own. It's just sometimes he has these outbursts in front of my friends (or worse, when my parents are visiting) and it's hard to know how to respond. I don't like the way you were placating your husband when he was in the wrong. That's people pleasing behavior. Being kind to a partner's friends or family is magnanimous and mature. My husband cannot stand some of my friends or my mother. He doesn't pick fights with them. It seems like your communication style with your husband needs to tweaked and he needs to be more sensitive to your feelings. His feelings are the the only ones who need validation. Yours are just as important. 2
BettyDraper Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I agree with those who were questioning why he was there in the first place. My husband had a mate who's wife drove me nutty because she constantly complained. Hubby invited the mate and wife over and I made it very clear that I didn't want to be there because she drives me crazy. I told him that they were welcome in the house, but that I was going out somewhere else. He absolutely insisted that it would be rude of me to go out and that I must play host. Anyway, they came and I ended up losing my temper and going on a massive, massive rant to her. It wasn't a good look for me, but I'd hate to be called abusive because I was placed in a situation which I really didn't want to be in. Then again, for this guy it's a pattern. I really don't know We all lose our temper. However, it is a sign of emotional intelligence and tolerance to be able to be around people we don't like for the benefit of those we care about. I don't think you were abusive but you probably could have handled it better. I say this as someone who used to get extremely angry over the smallest things. I have been in your shoes so I'm not responding with a holier than thou attitude. 2
Miss Peach Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 We all lose our temper. However, it is a sign of emotional intelligence and tolerance to be able to be around people we don't like for the benefit of those we care about. I don't think you were abusive but you probably could have handled it better. I say this as someone who used to get extremely angry over the smallest things. I have been in your shoes so I'm not responding with a holier than thou attitude. I agree with this. Having a bad judgement moment doesn't make someone abusive. The one thing I tend to notice across abusive situations is entitlement. That text session the OP posted reeked of it IMO. 2
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Then again, for this guy it's a pattern. I really don't know The issue is that he doesn't think that's a problem, and I do. We tried therapy for this last year, and he seemed to improve a little bit (maybe that's wishful thinking on my part) but now he's back to normal. Despite therapy for this very problem, he is still ripping her friend to shreds and doesn't see what he is doing wrong... 2
SaveYourHeart Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Bless your heart honey. I don't like the way he puts you down, I don't like it at all. Out of all the issues here, that is the one I like the least. While you're trying to talk to him like an adult, he has snappy comebacks and a holier-than-thou attitude. 1. He's putting you down to make you feel bad. 2. He makes your friends/family feel bad. 3. He turns it around to make you the bad guy. You are not the bad guy, you are polite. A good man will treat your friends and family like his own. Your guy, unfortunately, doesn't sound like a good man. 3
johan Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Your guy, unfortunately, doesn't sound like a good man. He might or might not be a good man. That can be measured different ways. To say that her husband is not a good man is not really constructive, if you think she's going to be trying to love him, and live with him and stick by her vows. In that case she needs to find solutions not labels. Without a doubt, this behavior of his is not good. Better to focus on that, and let her decide how good he is. Someone said he needs to be humiliated. I don't think that will solve the problem. It could make it worse if he comes out of it feeling worse about himself. I think the best way to get him to try to do better is to get someone who he really respects involved. The disapproval and/or guidance from someone who knows a better way and has some influence over him will be more motivating than getting "nagged", even though I don't think the OP is really doing that.
SaveYourHeart Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 He might or might not be a good man. That can be measured different ways. To say that her husband is not a good man is not really constructive, if you think she's going to be trying to love him, and live with him and stick by her vows. In that case she needs to find solutions not labels. Without a doubt, this behavior of his is not good. Better to focus on that, and let her decide how good he is. Someone said he needs to be humiliated. I don't think that will solve the problem. It could make it worse if he comes out of it feeling worse about himself. I think the best way to get him to try to do better is to get someone who he really respects involved. The disapproval and/or guidance from someone who knows a better way and has some influence over him will be more motivating than getting "nagged", even though I don't think the OP is really doing that. Hey Johan, I wasn't trying to push any buttons, just gave my honest opinion. My husband isn't a good guy 90% of the time and I still work my butt off to make our marriage work. I'm sure she can decide for herself how good he is, but maybe an outsider's perspective on how he treats her family will show her that it's not normal for him to treat her loved ones like that, which is probably the reassurance she's looking for here. However, he should respect her more than anyone else because he's chosen to spend his life with her, so the guidance or disapproval thing should be coming from her, not someone else.
Cherryz Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Please dont tell me you ddnt take time to know this dude before marry him. Please dont tell me he never showed this type of behavior to you and others in front of you before you married him. And what do you do when your man make people that is important to you cry? and disrespect them like that? You just sit and watch? The way he is acting is not okay! And shouldn't be accepted atall by you! Its very extreme. And he is not taking responsibility but making all excuses to continue it. This is so extreme and bad that im afraid family /friends and other people that see this and hear of it may isolate themselves from him and you, just not to get treated like that. And you will end alone with him. And also no one wants their kids around you so he may get like this also to their kids once your child start having friends. This guy have issues. We all have. But his are alarming because it out loud and aggressive and people dont know when he gonna blow up to them. You need to have serious talk with him to get help and to change his nasty behavior. I really hope your family and friends dont isolate you because of this man. But if they start inviting just you and your kid and dont want this guy around, please understand it for them also! He really need to at least start seeing a therapist or follow some communication classes. If his issue is just communication........., which i doubt. He seem like someone that have bigger issue deep inside.
Cherryz Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Sounds to me like he needs to be humiliated. You're playing pattycake when in reality the stakes are much higher than those kinds of 'rules' can account for. :lmao::lmao::laugh::laugh::laugh: lol you crazy :p/ lmao:bunny:
Mirage10 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Humiliating this type of guy is only going to make matters worse. 1
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