I Just Don't Understand Men Here

[DC77]

I really just don't understand men here. For two years, it has been one dysfunctional date after another. This kind of thing happened occasionally back home and it was something you laughed about over drinks with girlfriends. But it is literally just about every guy here. And as much as they hate being lumped together, they're all military. That's what's here.

 

This last guy I dated I actually kind of liked. We had a great first date. But it just gradually went downhill. Communication began to lax. He became flaky. (It was nearly verbatim of the last guy a few months ago that played cat and mouse and flaked on every plan only to find out he was actually dating someone else and supposedly in love with this person.) New guy, tried really hard to get me and once he thought I was hooked, just turned into a complete flake. Not making plans. Giving just enough in text messages to keep me around. Yet very concerned about being the only guy I was dating. This was only 2 weeks in. I saw it. So I told him I was no longer interested.

 

Instead of holding my ground, I let him convince me he just needed understanding and patience. So I gave it another week and half. It has only gotten worse. He's become more distant and shut down. I sense he has something going on in his life, but I'm not sure what. He doesn't seem happy in general and very frustrated with work. We haven't slept together but have fooled around. And I've learned from past experiences, inability to maintain an erection has been a sure fire indication of emotional issues. Who the hell knows what though! (For one guy it was a bad ex. Another because he was getting shipped out. Yet another had a wife and 2 kids in another state...)

 

I haven't confronted him about his bedroom performance, I don't need to embarrass him, but I have confronted him about his continued use of the dating site. Yes I've been on there too. Mostly because I realize this guy isn't putting in any effort and there are men that are waiting in line. He continues to insist there isnt anyone else. Not married. No kids. Not even dating. So why the need to be online?? Because he likes to read profiles. Really??? I am not stupid.

 

So I did something last night I'm not proud of. I pulled up an old profile I don't use, changed everything around, and contacted him. He was happy to respond and carry on a convo. When he texted me shortly after, he said he had been napping and was just waking up. I called bull **** and came clean with what I'd done. Told him lying was a deal breaker. It was done. Yet somehow he continued to engage me in a debate about the relationship. He said he knew it was me, which is more bull ****. I caught him in a lie plain and simple. Yet regardless, he was still trying to hang on to something with us. After a long text string, I finally had to go to bed. Told him I was done arguing and needed to get to bed. He wished me sweet dreams like he hadn't even been involved in the hour long debate. He may even think we're still together. What is that!??

 

Obviously I have to put my foot down harder with this guy because he just doesn't seem to get it. I just don't get it. I don't get these men or these behaviors at all! The whole I don't want to lose you but I won't try to keep you. I don't understand the purpose of all these games. If anyone has a clue or similar experiences, please, by all means share.

[Gaeta]

What is the used of understanding that behavior? The behavior is not acceptable in your eyes, you dismiss the guy, and you move on. Whether you fully understand why these men are asses won't change a thing in your life. They will continue being asses way after you are gone till they meet a woman they have a high interest in.

 

I think it would be more productive if you asked why YOU put up with these men. Why do you give them chances early on when they lose interest. Why you can't cut them off right away.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is all on you. You had three different indicators that this person wasn't what you wanted and had issues, yet you stayed. If a shoe doesn't fit me or is defective in a store, I don't keep trying to fix it before I even leave the store. Time to learn to let go of things that do not serve you with minimum amount of time or drama.

This lack of quality as a man has nothing to do with serving your country as a military man. I served for over twenty years and I'm an amazing husband and father and nearly perfect in bed.

Grumps

[xpaperxcutx]

I know plenty of military men who are gentlemen, and actually would like to pursue decent relationships with quality women.

 

 

 

 

The question is are you a quality woman? If you are, when you call a guy on his BS, you flat out shut the door in his face. You don't continue to engage. That, there becomes attention-seeking and sends out the wrong message to the guy.

[SammySammy]

When fishermen catch something we don't want, we just throw it back.

 

We never ask why a catfish is not a bass, for example.

 

Just throw it back. Pay attention to our environment, adjust our approach accordingly, and keep fishing. Until we catch what we want.

[DC77]

Thanks All. I have gotten better at cutting early. This one, well, he asked for a chance and I gave it to him. But it is done. Perhaps I shouldn't spend energy on it, but I do find some of the behaviors so bizarre and interesting. Some of it is just my curiosity in psychology and patterns in human behavior...

 

@grumpy. I'm not trying to insinuate all military men are bad or that it has any affect on serving our country. In fact most all of the men I've dated have been dedicated to what they do. Career is not the issue. And I do have military friends that are very loving husbands and fathers. There is however, a very distinct pattern on island of military men who don't seem to need to be accountable for their behavior or treating women poorly. First one or three okay. But 5, 10, 20?? i have only been with 4 men here on island. The rest have been dates, that yes, were easy to cut from. Perhaps it's the island. The transitory life style here. I'm not sure. But date after date, behavior is consistently poor. There are so many women here that won't even deal with military men. The good ones here are either already taken or extremely few and far between...

 

Some of the issue ladies may be island living. Have you ever lived in Hawaii? It really is a different world out here. Honest and reliable people for relationships or friendships are truly difficult to find. And if you are lucky enough to find one, they usually leave. If you've never lived here it can be difficult to explain. After 2 years of being cheated on, ghosted, left for exes, lied to, verbally assaulted... You forget what a real date might look like. You just know that this isn't what it should be. It shouldn't be this difficult. It gets lonely.

[DC77]

Thank you paper cut. Good clarification.

[DC77]

@Gaeta Perhaps the simple answer to that in all honesty is loneliness as stated above... I had a life back home. Friends. Passions. And support. I left it all to take a job in Hawaii. I've tried very hard to get established here. It's been 2 years. It's a lonely life... I'm currently grappling with leaving, looking for another job, and where to go.

[DC77]

... I've done more thinking about your question and reread what I had written. I think I left out a key piece that he was saying all the right things. We had a lengthy conversation our first date. We were both looking for a relationship, etc. When he flaked on a lunch date he was very shocked I was ending it. (Believe it or not I've actually become very good at the thank you not interested text.) Said he had a lot going on at work and was very tired. (We talked about his job. He's intel and he has killed people. It is his job. And he works swing shift.) So yes. I empathized and gave him another chance. And he continued to say he was interested. And wanted to get to know me. But his actions just weren't following his words. I even told him if he wasn't interested it was okay. We could go our separate ways. But he insisted he was interested in only me. But I just knew something was off. And the fact that he was very active online set me off. I can't handle lies... So yes, I do get lost in their words. And I do need to figure out why I'm too trusting and allow these men chances. How to balance what is real and what is a lie. It's not easy.

[joseb]

Take them by their actions, not their words.

 

Hey, if you dont like Hawaii, then go somewhere else.

I loved visiting it, but I kinda guess living there would be very different.

 

Its a great big world out their.

[kendahke]

And I've learned from past experiences, inability to maintain an erection has been a sure fire indication of emotional issues.

 

this is how my intuition came alive a few weeks before I discovered my ex cheating. This was an area he never, ever had a problem in when it came to me and all of a sudden, he couldn't get it up or keep it up. About 3 weeks later was when the butt dialing episode took place.

[Gaeta]

He's intel and he has killed people. It is his job. And he works swing shift.)

WHAT ????? hahahah, oh honey don't believe this collection of BS. Military men ( I was married 15 years to one ) who have these types of jobs do NOT share those details with anyone but their shrink and base priest, not even their wives, girlfriends, and even less a woman they have been on what? 1 or 2 dates? He is full of himself !!! He probably tells this story to every woman he comes across online!!

[carhill]

OP, same advice I give to guys. Fuggetabout understanding men, rather stick to your boundaries of what acceptable behavior is and do what you do. Sure, sometimes that means interacting with a lot of people. Part of life. Also, if the paradise has worn off of life in Hawaii, definitely get out. IME, having been married there and visiting numerous times for long vacations, it's a great place to visit but not my cuppa for daily life. Others love it. You apparently don't. That's instructive.

[DC77]

Unfortunately, some of them do talk about it. I dated a special ops that I cared about very much. Sometimes he would get really quiet and just start telling a story like a flashback. Horrible stories that almost made me want to cry for him. But I couldn't. And I couldn't acknowledge the stories. Just listen. Our mutual friend could vouch. He was a man struggling... The new guy, our first date was an all day event. We got close quickly and he divulged all sorts of very personal things about himself, growing up, and the things he has to do for work. And he wanted to cuddle for most of it. Perhaps I've misinterpreted this trust as interest and affection. I may have just answered some of my own questions on this one...

 

Ofcourse they're not supposed to talk about it, but maybe that's all they need. Someone to be there to talk to, maybe even hold them, even if only temporary. You'd be surprised... Temporary just doesn't work for me though. Maybe they feel guilty for divulging and that's why they shut down. I do know he was struggling with something at work. And he didn't have that kind of ego. If anything, he was a little insecure. I don't think it was just a story.

[Gaeta]

Unfortunately, some of them do talk about it. I dated a special ops that I cared about very much. Sometimes he would get really quiet and just start telling a story like a flashback. Horrible stories that almost made me want to cry for him. But I couldn't. And I couldn't acknowledge the stories. Just listen. Our mutual friend could vouch. He was a man struggling... The new guy, our first date was an all day event. We got close quickly and he divulged all sorts of very personal things about himself, growing up, and the things he has to do for work. And he wanted to cuddle for most of it. Perhaps I've misinterpreted this trust as interest and affection. I may have just answered some of my own questions on this one...

 

Ofcourse they're not supposed to talk about it, but maybe that's all they need. Someone to be there to talk to, maybe even hold them, even if only temporary. You'd be surprised... Temporary just doesn't work for me though. Maybe they feel guilty for divulging and that's why they shut down. I do know he was struggling with something at work. And he didn't have that kind of ego. If anything, he was a little insecure. I don't think it was just a story.

 

Do not date these men, period.

 

It's not normal for a military man to confine about something like that to a woman he doesn't know. You are a stranger.

 

1. It indicates he's mentally and emotionally unstable and not seeking professional help.

 

2. He is betraying his confidentiality agreement with his country.

 

What ever it is you don't want to date that.

[Arieswoman]

DC77,

Don't waste your time trying to understand these guys.

 

What you need to do IMO is have a set of boundaries. Decide what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to other people's behaviour and stick to it.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "flaking" (I'm from UK) but if you mean not turning up for a date, that's just plain bad manners. If a guy is a no-show after it's been arranged and confirmed then you don't contact him again.

And if he does contact you he's better have a jolly good reason, (such as being rushed into hospital with a perforated appendix) apologise and send flowers.

 

Who cares what career these guys have? It doesn't excuse disrespectful behaviour.

[elaine567]

Having a relationship is hard enough. There is no need to put yourself in a position where you feel the need to "save" these men.

[xpaperxcutx]

Unfortunately, some of them do talk about it. I dated a special ops that I cared about very much. Sometimes he would get really quiet and just start telling a story like a flashback. Horrible stories that almost made me want to cry for him. But I couldn't. And I couldn't acknowledge the stories. Just listen. Our mutual friend could vouch. He was a man struggling... The new guy, our first date was an all day event. We got close quickly and he divulged all sorts of very personal things about himself, growing up, and the things he has to do for work. And he wanted to cuddle for most of it. Perhaps I've misinterpreted this trust as interest and affection. I may have just answered some of my own questions on this one...

 

Ofcourse they're not supposed to talk about it, but maybe that's all they need. Someone to be there to talk to, maybe even hold them, even if only temporary. You'd be surprised... Temporary just doesn't work for me though. Maybe they feel guilty for divulging and that's why they shut down. I do know he was struggling with something at work. And he didn't have that kind of ego. If anything, he was a little insecure. I don't think it was just a story.

Usually when people date they do not share stories of dysfunctional family history or in this case, stories of killing people. Most women would bail. If you stuck and listened to each and every one ofvthem, they are generally trying to make you pity them so your motherly instincts turn on. That's very manipulative in my opinion.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks All. I have gotten better at cutting early. This one, well, he asked for a chance and I gave it to him. But it is done. Perhaps I shouldn't spend energy on it, but I do find some of the behaviors so bizarre and interesting. Some of it is just my curiosity in psychology and patterns in human behavior...

 

@grumpy. I'm not trying to insinuate all military men are bad or that it has any affect on serving our country. In fact most all of the men I've dated have been dedicated to what they do. Career is not the issue. And I do have military friends that are very loving husbands and fathers. There is however, a very distinct pattern on island of military men who don't seem to need to be accountable for their behavior or treating women poorly. First one or three okay. But 5, 10, 20?? i have only been with 4 men here on island. The rest have been dates, that yes, were easy to cut from. Perhaps it's the island. The transitory life style here. I'm not sure. But date after date, behavior is consistently poor. There are so many women here that won't even deal with military men. The good ones here are either already taken or extremely few and far between...

 

Some of the issue ladies may be island living. Have you ever lived in Hawaii? It really is a different world out here. Honest and reliable people for relationships or friendships are truly difficult to find. And if you are lucky enough to find one, they usually leave. If you've never lived here it can be difficult to explain. After 2 years of being cheated on, ghosted, left for exes, lied to, verbally assaulted... You forget what a real date might look like. You just know that this isn't what it should be. It shouldn't be this difficult. It gets lonely.

 

Expect more and you will get more. Accept less and you will constantly be trying to fix men who just aren't relationship material. You are giving chances and trying to understand men whom you shouldn't even be dating to begin with. You need to analyze what kind of guys you go for and ask yourself why you go for men who are dysfunctional. What is in your life or in your past that makes you need to fix men or be abandoned.

Actually, I lived on Ford Island, Pearl Harbor, Oahu for years so yes, I have lived on your island less than eight years ago. I was the instructor to many young men and the problem I notice is that regardless of where I am, the expectation of greatness from our youth is being eliminated. Women will take guys who are insincere, flighty, irresponsible and lackadaisical about life.....they have no direction and are severely unkind....and mediocrity is rampant. These guys still get women so why should guys even try? Those who are good guys are passed on because women are now used to drama and being treated poorly so they think that is the norm. All of this is sociological conditioning and can be reset with insight and work on yourself.

My son is in the Navy now, and he is always the top of everything because I taught him to have a great work ethic, values and treat women like human beings. He is considered exceptional by women and by society....he is what I remembered as the norm when I was young. Now he is lauded and upheld as extraordinary, top of his class and on his boat, women chase him like he is Magic Mike and competition is scarce for him in anything. Women have accepted the bar lowering because these boys are considered normal now whom you are trying to date. Choose better guys.

Expect more, stop giving chances to men who don't value you or think you are worth their best,

Grumps