Meli22 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) Hey everyone it's been a while since I posted on here! If anyone could give some insight who's been in a similar position it would be much appreciated I met a guy around 4 months ago who was from my hometown but lived away as he's in the military. He pursued me very hard and I was very hesitant about getting into another relationship (was really hurt last year). Anyway, we dated for a bit and he was keen to introduce me to his family. I became quite close to them considering it was a new relationship. He said they all loved me and thought he had met someone special. He also said he'd felt he'd met his perfect match. He was due to go back to his base soon, and wanted to know what we were. I wanted to take things slow because of my past hurt, and also I wanted to see how the distance would pan out. He reassured me that this would work and was glad he'd met someone who understood military life (my father was in the army for a long time). Also, he would be moving to a closer base this summer. So I took his word decided we would be official. Like I said, he pursued hard and pushed things forward. Since he's been away (1 month in total) I've seen quite a bit of him as he's been able to come home a few weekends and we have met in different cities. Things were going great and just last week, he booked time off for the end of this month and wanted us to take a vacation for a couple days. Now here's the issue. He isn't all that happy being in the military, but he has two years left of it. He's often spoke about what to do after he leaves and always said he'd end up back in his hometown. To be honest, the conversation of where "we" would end up had never been approached by me because it was early on, and I liked where things were going and didn't want to scare him off by talking future. But he always said he could see himself living with me. Last week, he became really stressed out about his future. He has no plan for what to do after he leaves the military, which could now potentially be next year. He was really depressed over this and felt he needed a plan. I tried to reassure him that things will work out and he will find his career path, and it's a while off so not to be so bogged down about it and see what happens. Fast forward a few days, he breaks up with me. His reasons that he needs to sort his career out and just can't be in a relationship right now. He said its not about me but that he's so stressed and doesn't know what the future holds. He also mentioned moving to another country once he finishes in the military (this had never been mentioned before). I respected everything he said and he told me he will be in touch over the next few days to explain properly. I'm just a bit confused at this point. I could fully understand if he felt pushed into commitment and had cold feet, but like I said, it was him who wanted the commitment. I don't think there's anybody else; he posted lots of pictures/updates about me all over his social media and changed his status to in relationship with me. I'm not ruling out the possibility of there being someone else but... I have no reason to think there is just yet. His mother got in touch with me yesterday to say how sorry she is, and that the family really loved me and she is so shocked as she didn't see this coming. She said he seems really confused about everything right now. So yeah.. I'm just looking for some insight I guess! Anyone experienced this before? I feel quite blindsided by jt all, and it's hard not to take it personally despite knowing I didn't do anything wrong (I don't think..). He's a great guy and I'm usually a good judge of character so this has kinda thrown me a little! Thanks for reading Edited March 5, 2016 by Meli22
salparadise Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 It's hard to draw conclusions based on what you've described, so I understand how you'd feel confused. Rather than getting hung up on what he's thinking/feeling and why, I believe that you should focus on how his behavior affects you and what that means. First, it's long-distance with a long, undefined time frame until that will change. Plus, where he will go and what he will do afterward is completely unknown. Secondly, you know that he runs red hot to ice cold, depending on external factors that you cannot control or predict, and and how he happens to be feeling about life at any given moment. He pushed for commitment too early, drew you in, introduced you to family (as if it was very serious), talked about forever... then pulled the rug out from under you a short time later for no particular reason, and apparently without much consideration of anything other than his momentary state of mind (which seems to vacillate wildly). He's not saying, "Meli22 I love you so much and don't know exactly what life will be (who does?), all I know is that I want to share it with you, always." He's saying, "listen, everything is contingent on everything else, including how I feel about you and how you may or may not fit my master plan, assuming I get one someday... so just forget all that I said previously because my mood has changed. You get that my mood will dictate the course of your life, right?" This guy is so immature (and probably narcissistic) that he doesn't see you as a living, breathing, feeling person... merely an optional feature of whatever all important fantasy he happens to be indulging at any given moment. I guarantee that if you make yourself available you'll go through the gyrations over and over. What do I think you should do... you should be angry for one, and you should not take this guy seriously. As far as meeting to indulge his explanations... I think you should cancel and tell him you decided to go to a movie instead.
Author Meli22 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Thanks salparadise. Yeah, the uncertainty always made me feel a bit wary at first because there was no end date so to speak. But he kept reassuring me that the distance is to be closer come this summer (he’d be moving to a base a few cities away) and that he only had x amount of time left to serve. His optimistic attitude and reassurance of “this will work, I’ll make sure it wont mess up and there’s no reason why it wont work” all helped me to believe that it was worth a shot. I am slightly resentful that I felt pushed into a relationship, after telling him to just wait and see how things went after he was back at base. But he wanted to know where we stood before he went back, so again, this helped my reassurance that it would work out. I was very wary that things were progressing quickly but he told me it was because he wanted to build a decent foundation before we began long distance. His family all loved me, and I was the first girl that was allowed to stay over at the family home. They are all a bit protective of their privacy (understandably) so my ex was surprised/pleased at how welcome I was at their home It hadn’t even been a week since we last saw eachother so yes the rug definitely feels as though it’s been pulled from beneath me. Just last week he was initiating talks of a city break, but then started to become more and more depressed over not being sure of his future, not having a concrete plan for when he leaves the military, and not being entirely happy there either. This all led to the break up. I’m disappointed because, although I understand I may not fit into his future, a few weeks ago he was dead set. He was putting effort in and coming back home to see me, meeting me in different cities etc, and now this. You’re very right in that he is being immature and kind of selfish by not considering what I want either. My dad is also a long time serving military man, who was very approving of my ex when they first met, but is now really disappointed in him and is surprised by all of this. And you’re also right in that he isn’t saying hey I don’t know where I’m going but I want you to be a part of it. He told me I’m the only girl he has met who’s been willing to give long distance a shot and who understands army life, and that he really respected me for. I completely agree with everything you have just said. I’m not meeting up to talk. I feel that if or when he has anything of actual importance to say, he will do so. And the fact that I was really hurt last year, it’s made my eyes open to what I do and don’t deserve, and also helps me know that I’ll be able to get over anything.
salparadise Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 I completely agree with everything you have just said. I’m not meeting up to talk. I feel that if or when he has anything of actual importance to say, he will do so. And the fact that I was really hurt last year, it’s made my eyes open to what I do and don’t deserve, and also helps me know that I’ll be able to get over anything. Feelings can certainly develop in four months time, especially if everything seems to mesh and he's saying all the right things, so I do understand how you'd be feeling considerable loss and confusion over the sudden breakup. I wonder though, did you not sense that something was amiss? You said that you did feel pushed and preferred to go slow and see how things progressed. Weren't you seeing the red flags? I am concerned that he may come back and convince you that the breakup was a momentary lapse in judgement and try to reel you back in again. Are you prepared for that? Or would you ride his roller coaster every time it stops to pick up passengers? Do you realize that the way all of this transpired indicates that he only sees you as an extension of himself rather than as autonomous individual, and do you understand what that probably means? There is an extremely fine balance between protecting yourself vs. hardening your heart to the point of not being capable of trusting and developing feelings when the time and person is right. I hope you can achieve that balance so that you can will have good relationships in the future... when to say no, when to say yes, and how to dictate pace and make choices on your own terms. You do not have to always dance to someone else's tune.
Author Meli22 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 Feelings can certainly develop in four months time, especially if everything seems to mesh and he's saying all the right things, so I do understand how you'd be feeling considerable loss and confusion over the sudden breakup. I wonder though, did you not sense that something was amiss? You said that you did feel pushed and preferred to go slow and see how things progressed. Weren't you seeing the red flags? I am concerned that he may come back and convince you that the breakup was a momentary lapse in judgement and try to reel you back in again. Are you prepared for that? Or would you ride his roller coaster every time it stops to pick up passengers? Do you realize that the way all of this transpired indicates that he only sees you as an extension of himself rather than as autonomous individual, and do you understand what that probably means? There is an extremely fine balance between protecting yourself vs. hardening your heart to the point of not being capable of trusting and developing feelings when the time and person is right. I hope you can achieve that balance so that you can will have good relationships in the future... when to say no, when to say yes, and how to dictate pace and make choices on your own terms. You do not have to always dance to someone else's tune. I think part of me sensed it, but as I said, whenever I raised my concerns about taking things slow he just said he was being this way because he was going back soon and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible before then, and to build a good foundation for long distance. So I kinda just went with it.. I'm aware that he could try and come back and I'm prepared for that. There's just no way I could, because I'd hate a relationship where I'm constantly on pins for him to take off again for no reason whatsoever other than something going on in his own life. With that said, I can totally see how he's seen me as just an extension and not an actual human with very real emotions. I did tell him when we last spoke, that he can't play with people's hearts that way. Narcissism has definitely crossed my mind. I don't know whether he's fully blown narcissistic but there are definitely a few traits. I always assumed people who are narcissistic come from backgrounds where something had happened to make them that way, ie broken homes, abuse etc. His family was very close though and very loving, so I'm unsure. That's just a thought though.
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