Is there anything wrong with being quiet?

[emerald86]

I'd consider myself pretty strongly introverted. When I'm in a social situation, I usually think before I say anything, and I have a quiet voice. This has people describing me as quiet or shy--which I can't deny. As a child and teenager, I was extremely shy. But now, one-on-one conversations are easy for me and I do contribute to group discussions. Just maybe not as much as some other extroverted people.

 

Unfortunately, all of my closest friends are strongly extroverted. When we all get together, they're loud, crazy, and saying something basically every second. I've known them for many years and I've tried to be just like them, but it never worked--it's way too difficult for me to be utterly loud and hyper the way they all are. I've finally come to just accept that it's not in my personality to be the life of a party.

 

All of this is making me wonder if there is anything wrong with being quiet. And when spending time with my closest friends, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. With all of them just loudly blabbering away and me getting a word in only every now and then, I often do feel invisible and left out. Sometimes they really do forget that I'm even there! They do comment on my quietness every so often, but they invite me to their social gatherings regardless--probably because I have a good friendship with each of them individually. But I know that every single one of them thinks I need to talk more when I'm with them as a group--they don't think that being quiet is a good thing, apparently.

 

 

It's a lot better when I go out with my coworkers, just because there is such a diverse range of personalities. A few of my coworkers are the fairly quiet types as well--they tend to think before speaking. In situations like these, I feel a lot better when there are personality types like my own. I find it pretty funny that I feel more at ease with my coworkers than I do with my closest friends.

 

Does this just mean that I need to find new friends? Are my close friends just too crazy for me?

[anika99]

I'd consider myself pretty strongly introverted. When I'm in a social situation, I usually think before I say anything, and I have a quiet voice. This has people describing me as quiet or shy--which I can't deny. As a child and teenager, I was extremely shy. But now, one-on-one conversations are easy for me and I do contribute to group discussions. Just maybe not as much as some other extroverted people.

 

Unfortunately, all of my closest friends are strongly extroverted. When we all get together, they're loud, crazy, and saying something basically every second. I've known them for many years and I've tried to be just like them, but it never worked--it's way too difficult for me to be utterly loud and hyper the way they all are. I've finally come to just accept that it's not in my personality to be the life of a party.

 

All of this is making me wonder if there is anything wrong with being quiet. And when spending time with my closest friends, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. With all of them just loudly blabbering away and me getting a word in only every now and then, I often do feel invisible and left out. Sometimes they really do forget that I'm even there! They do comment on my quietness every so often, but they invite me to their social gatherings regardless--probably because I have a good friendship with each of them individually. But I know that every single one of them thinks I need to talk more when I'm with them as a group--they don't think that being quiet is a good thing, apparently.

 

 

It's a lot better when I go out with my coworkers, just because there is such a diverse range of personalities. A few of my coworkers are the fairly quiet types as well--they tend to think before speaking. In situations like these, I feel a lot better when there are personality types like my own. I find it pretty funny that I feel more at ease with my coworkers than I do with my closest friends.

 

Does this just mean that I need to find new friends? Are my close friends just too crazy for me?

 

You are introverted and you are shy. Those are two different things. When I was young I used to be shy and introverted, now I'm just introverted. I love my own company and I can go days without interaction with other people without feeling lonely. However when I'm in a group I have no problem speaking up and taking part in loud boisterous conversations. I don't mind meeting new people or being in large groups because I'm no longer shy, but after a few hours of socializing I need to be myself for a while because as an introvert prolonged socializing sort of saps me.

 

I think you should keep your extroverted friends. They obviously like you and value you as a friend or they wouldn't even bother having you around. Why would you throw away people that like you and care for you and have done nothing wrong other than be different than you?

 

I get that you are shy and quiet and feel invisible when you are in their group, but that is your problem, not theirs. I'm not judging you as I used to be the same but I finally realized that the world doesn't have to cater to my shyness. If I'm going through life being quiet and timid then I'm going to get overlooked much of the time. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being quiet and shy, I'm just saying it makes no sense to hold other people responsible for the feelings your shyness causes you. You feel invisible because you are shy, not because of other people. Apparently your friends are okay with you being shy and accept you as you are. That makes them good friends.

[emerald86]

You are introverted and you are shy. Those are two different things. When I was young I used to be shy and introverted, now I'm just introverted. I love my own company and I can go days without interaction with other people without feeling lonely. However when I'm in a group I have no problem speaking up and taking part in loud boisterous conversations. I don't mind meeting new people or being in large groups because I'm no longer shy, but after a few hours of socializing I need to be myself for a while because as an introvert prolonged socializing sort of saps me.

 

I think you should keep your extroverted friends. They obviously like you and value you as a friend or they wouldn't even bother having you around. Why would you throw away people that like you and care for you and have done nothing wrong other than be different than you?

 

I get that you are shy and quiet and feel invisible when you are in their group, but that is your problem, not theirs. I'm not judging you as I used to be the same but I finally realized that the world doesn't have to cater to my shyness. If I'm going through life being quiet and timid then I'm going to get overlooked much of the time. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being quiet and shy, I'm just saying it makes no sense to hold other people responsible for the feelings your shyness causes you. You feel invisible because you are shy, not because of other people. Apparently your friends are okay with you being shy and accept you as you are. That makes them good friends.

 

Yeah you are definitely right in that they are good friends. It's just that I wish I didn't feel so out of place when spending time with them as a group.

[preraph]

There's nothing wrong with being quieter than your group of friends who are never quiet. You're still social and have friends and are fine talking in a group or one on one. So nothing wrong with that. It's only a problem when something you're doing is holding you back from meeting and making friends or romantic connections. Other than that, it's just variation in personality.

[Tayla]

If it helps any, Introverts tend to absorb the schematics and are careful to speak when having something of value to contribute. My youngest is labeled quiet... reserved. When we do talk or gather, his wit and well presented ideas are marveling. He doesn't care for loud and rambucious environments. Its admirable. Most times being silent means listening... so few have that skill. Your strength is your natural ability "to be " and not appear the fool. He who listens is learning...

 

Wonder how they would be in your natural state of being? Vice versa tends to make ppl understand. They should try it!

[Satu]

I'm at my best in one to one contexts, but in a group setting I tend to sit back and just enjoy watching other people enjoying themselves.

 

Having said that, I usually end up having a one to one at the edge of the group, at some point.

 

Its all fine.

 

Your friends value you, and enjoy your company, so thats OK.

 

You might be best to just sit back and enjoy the circus.

 

Or you could consider extending your social circle.

 

Either way, there's nothing wrong with you.

[basil67]

I try to avoid groups like you describe (though it can be tricky because many of hubby's friends are like this). I prefer friends who all make sure that each other is included and heard. They do exist

[Tailor2000]

I can relate to this. I feel like I am shy and introverted.

 

Well at least I am very quiet and think before speaking, can never find a way in to talk in a group situation and prefer one on one.

 

Im happy being like this, but for me, it's depressingly horrid being in a group of people who are talking to each other ignoring the shy guy in the corner. I have things to say. Just no one asks me to say them.

 

In many respects I think Im actually extroverted. I want to be around people. I want to talk to people. I want people to talk to me. I desperately want people to include me and try and make an effort. By and large I find when you're the quiet person, that these louder people don't make the effort.

 

That just makes me feel even worse.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong at all in being shy and introverted. But if it's damaging your self esteem, either ditch the people who don't/can't include you, or try and maybe get some help to overcome your shyness. That's what Im going to try and do.

 

It also depends if shy and introverted are good descriptors. There are also things such as social anxiety.

[RRM321]

The fact that you think before you speak is probably one of your best qualities. It's a rare treasure so, don't write it off just yet.

 

You seem to fit right in with coworkers and people in other settings where thinking before speaking is highly valued - and your friends while cut from a different cloth, aren't writing you off either. A little bit of really thoughtful input is usually more appreciated than the constancy of brainstorming.

 

As long as you enjoy being with your friends and your self-consciousness about being quiet is not something that feeds them or balances a competition - then you are where you want to be. You aspire to some of their outgoing qualities, as long as you continue to value your own unique self - you'll be fine.

[sb6052]

I know how you feel. I too am on the introverted side and used to actually be shy. Now I'm not so much anymore, though I don't always feel the need to say something. With some people, they get uncomfortable with even a bit of silence and have to say something or comment about anything. I personally don't think there's something wrong with being quiet, but in today's world, it's not seen as the most positive thing, unfortunately.

 

I too have some friend circles that are loud and boisterous and crazy and animated all the time. In these, I notice I often get cut off or prevented from saying something when I actually do have something to contribute because they've come to expect that I won't say things as often as the rest of them, which I admit can get annoying. I have to get everyone's attention first before saying something, which then makes it sound extra dramatic even if it isn't..

 

Then again, I value friends that are more talkative and extroverted, at least when there's only one or a few of them I'm hanging out with at a time so I don't get drowned out by a whole group of them. I find such people complement my own more introverted personality and we make it work; I listen and contribute when I do, and they have someone they can talk to and listen to them. On the other hand, I've seen two strongly extroverted very talkative personalities hanging with each other, and they almost seem to try to out-talk the other one, or talk over them, because they're so used to being the ones that do the talking; it's almost like a competition lol.

 

If it's two very quiet people hanging out together, it can get uncomfortable, unless both of them know each other well or are totally comfortable with long silences and that's just natural for them. I know others who are kind of in between, neither fully extroverted or introverted, and they feel awkward when with someone who is totally quiet, because they themselves don't talk enough to make up for long silences, but they're still not comfortable with such silences and want the other person to pick up the slack, so to speak.

[SpiralOut]

Lots of people will try to tell you there is something wrong with being quiet, but they're wrong.

 

You may find this website interesting: Quiet Revolution. The site is co-founded by Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a Worlds That Can't Stop Talking.

[burnt]

I have no advice to give you, but here's something better than any advice:

 

Watch these two videos and you should find them helpful to answer your own question:

 

 

 

Also, if you like the first talk, read the book by the same presenter:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cane. My therapist suggest the book--it's truly a beautiful and powerful book.