Some hope for those with exs in rebounds

[shouldknowbetter]

Hey,

 

Thought I'd just share a story for anyone needing some inspiration.

 

Back story: Together for 4.5 years. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Madly in love at the start. Tried for children with many failures and in the end stopped trying and she concentrated on career. She started a new job with terrible hours. Suffered severe mental illness from workplace bullying. We never saw each other due to a terrible roster. Fights. Lack of intimacy etc etc. Not great, but always thought we had a strong base. After 6 months of this job she sat me down one day and told me she was unhappy and wanted to separate. All in the same conversation. Was not interested in working things out. She had said the decision was carefully considered, but it was anything but. She had no place to go, she had made no arrangements for her dog. Basically everything was by the seat of her pants.

 

That was around 8 mths ago.

 

I begged and chased for 4 months. About 3 months post breakup she told me she was seeing someone she knew from 20 years ago. He had been there to support her after the breakup and it had now become more. A week later she told me she was in love with this guy. Everything was so different to our relationship. She was moving on and I should too. They seemed to spend every living moment together (he was military but apparently seemed to spend his entire time at home...??).

 

I was told in no uncertain terms that she was now in a new relationship and she intended it to be long term. Love was discussed and I was yesterday's news. In 3 short months she had moved on.

 

So I went NC from that point. I sent an email saying all the best and if she needed anything she knew where to find me, but that I wouldn't be contacting her from that point and I didn't feel that friendship was something I wanted. The standard line.

 

So about a month ago (about 2 mths post NC) I received some random things in the mail. Some old receipts, some pet insurance paperwork from a year ago, and even some junk mail. This all came with a note saying she was doing some tidying and thought I might need them. I found it very strange because just before I went NC she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. I didn't respond to the note but found it extremely strange. Firstly, she was a very disorganised person. She had had this paperwork for about 7 months. Why send it now? I also didn't really need any of it. If she had moved on, why bother? Also, she had done absolutely not one thing to help me since the breakup, so this was very out of character. I'd had some severe mental health issues as a result of the breakup, which she knew about, and had not once asked me how I was. Now she was sending me random paperwork. I figured it was some form of smoke signal, but never really knew what was behind it.

 

At the start of Feb I put some money into her credit card (yes, you will all now say that's not NC. Yep. Thanks. I don't need a lesson in semantics here. This story is for illustrative purposes). I knew that her dog's pet insurance was due and I was concerned for a number of reasons not relevant to this story that it might not get paid. So I put the money in quietly and didn't tell her.

 

This week, about a month later one day short of 3 months NC, I get a text from a random overseas number asking if I'd put some money in her account. Contact... Mind you early on in the separation I'd put money into her account at various times. NEVER had I received a query about why I'd done it.

 

I responded to her usual number, not this new random number. I also responded to the random number saying I'd sent a response to her usual number. I received a response back saying that this was her number. She had taken a job on a small pacific island (we are from Australia). I responded that this was very surprising and congratulated her and her boyfriend on 'making it'. She responded that she was single and had moved there herself. We spoke for another 10 minutes or so back and forth by text and agreed to talk later as I was on my way somewhere.

 

The thing to note here is that when she left our relationship she had a VERY clear plan regarding career and getting a place of her own. She had it mapped out, and without further detail I can assure you it DID NOT include moving to a small island nation. As recently as November last year that plan was laid out to me.

 

So from the L word being used with the new guy, from incidental information which reached me her rebound lasted about 3 months. Her life now seems to be going sideways and I'm sure there are more twists to come.

 

Most significantly, she contacted me, only 2 and 3 months respectively after me going NC and after she basically told me she would never be contacting me again.

 

Things change. I know it might sound like very little, but she is extremely stubborn and I fully expected NEVER to hear from her again.

 

So for those who have been in significant relationships where partners have moved on quickly and the relationship seemed strong (or at least not completely broken) until an unexpected breakup, have some hope.

 

I've now gone LC. We are both proud people. I'm just keeping it short and positive. I'm extremely impatient, but this is something that needs time. She left, but I'm not too proud to continue ignoring her just because she left and ran to another guy.

 

And please spare me the moral high ground stuff on 'why would you go back' etc etc. If and when that happens, that is a decision between two people and there are a huge number of factors which would take 100 posts to fully explain. There was not cheating, violence, abuse etc, so it's just a decision between two adults. At the moment it's not even on the table.

 

If there are significant updates I will post on this thread. But we're talking again, albeit about some cash for her dog's pet insurance and she was more than happy to immediately tell me exactly where she was and that she was single. For someone who wouldn't even leave a forwarding address when she left, that's massive ground made.

 

So, don't lose hope. If you're begging, stop. Cut contact (if reasonably possible and it won't hurt anyone such as children) and get your life back in order. If you've had significant history, they won't forget you. Do the work. See a psychologist. Get your mental health in order. Understand your problems. Build your support networks and get back on your feet.

 

Most of all please don't spend every minute trying to work out what they're doing. I had theory after theory from snippets of information which reached me and all of them were completely WRONG. It caused me no amount of avoidable stress. Never assume.

 

And remember, a relationship started in the wake of severe emotional trauma, which moves extremely quickly, which is idealised, and which involves the new person's role being the comforter, well, there's a lot of things which can lead to failure. Whether or not there's a thing called a rebound, I'm not going to argue that. But she was the dumper and this relationship seems to have all the hallmarks of what's anecdotally called a rebound relationship. I was told in no uncertain terms that this guy was perfect in every way I wasn't. We lasted 4.5 years. They lasted 3 months.

 

Will we get back together. I hope so. Is my life ok without her. Yes. Would it be better with her. I don't know and may never know. But progress has been made.

Edited March 5, 2016 by shouldknowbetter

[Mikeyfreedom]

I will tell you now from my experience of a similar situation(I am firmly back with my ex now and stronger than ever). The BIGGEST thing I learnt from the whole situation, is a lot of the things that I ignored and didn't pay attention to in the relationship were the catalyst for the breakup and her finding someone that did offer those things. e.g rebound. All she ever wanted was that from me, and i didn't offer it in the later years.

Relationships ALWAYS take care, work and attention. I ignored that as i was too wrapped up in my own issues. And that is what ruined everything. I will never make those mistakes again. I came very very close to losing the love of my life. BUT i am wiser and i will never let that pattern repeat again. EVER.

 

 

It was what I learnt about MYSELF in that period that was life changing and not only am I over the moon we are back together, my life has changed forever because I really got hold of myself and addressed all my 'many' issues. My life is richer and enjoyable now, I was sinking fast before...fast. I think honestly i would have probably been dead in the next 5-10years with the lifestyle i was living. It has pretty much saved my life. It was the kick in the balls i needed.

 

 

The moral of many of these tales is, sort yourself out and a lot of it will become clear. I got to the point where i knew it had changed me for the better no matter of what the outcome as going to be. And that is what won the day. Not only for my relationship but for me as a person.

 

 

But its worth saying, anyone that does the supporting role and the shoulder to turn too sly in there move, deserves to be hurt. Its a rat move. The guy who played that role in my situation, got his fingers burnt.. and deservedly so. I hope he still cry's himself to sleep every night....

[shouldknowbetter]

Thanks for your post Mikey. You're where I want to get to, but I think for me there's still a bit of the story to write.

 

Firstly, before the update, I'd say yes, any guy who moves in on someone who is clearly upset and just out of a relationship deserves everything he gets...

 

Now, a quick update. After our text flurry last week I sent my whatsapp details to my ex. Just a quick message saying I could be reached there. Nothing more.

 

I waited a couple of days. Nothing. We hadn't explicitly said when we would talk so I didn't really read too much into that.

 

On Saturday I went out for a ride. Took some pics, which is a bit of a hobby of mine. Sent one to her whatsapp with a quick message saying it had been a beautiful day here and I hoped she was having fun too. No reply...

 

On Tuesday night caught a beautiful sunset with the dog down at the local beach. I have a nice camera and that time of the night is magical. On a whim I sent a couple of the photos with another quick message similar to the one on Saturday, but being slightly more expressive that I hoped things were good at her end and I hoped the move was everything she wanted it to be.

 

No response.

 

So tonight, Wednesday, I bit the bullet. I texted this time. VERY NICELY I said that I was under the impression that we were intending to chat again and that if I had misunderstood that I was sorry (there could be no misunderstanding...).

 

I said that we were both above playing games (not true) so I would be plain. I still cared about her and wanted to see her do well. I was happy to hear from her and would like to chat.

 

However, if that was not her intention then I had plenty of things to keep me occupied here.

 

I closed saying the dog missed her, which he does.

 

So, I've been clear. If you want to chat, I'd like to hear from you. If you don't want to chat, I'm not waiting around. I still care about you, but don't think I'm sweating on your reply.

 

So now if there's more silence I'm just going to go NC again and close the book. She's definitely playing games (she's had several days to acknowledge one of a few harmless messages) and I'm not going to stand for that. I respect myself too much to be waiting on someone else's basic courtesy of responding to a message.

 

So two steps forward, one step back at this stage. Plenty of the track to cover yet I'm thinking.

 

See what happens from here.

[d0nnivain]

shouldknowbetter

 

 

If this is what you want & it works for you, I wish you well.

 

 

Your specific example is not a universal truth. For may people (read through the threads) they will not be a peace with themselves, they should not go backwards & if they do reconnect they will poison the reconciliation by constantly fretting about their SO's interim lover.

 

 

I believe in the broken plate analogy. You have relationship (the plate) You break up. You glue the pieces back together. Even though it may be functional, you still see the cracks & it's not as good as it was before it was broken.

[Mikeyfreedom]

shouldknowbetter

 

 

If this is what you want & it works for you, I wish you well.

 

 

Your specific example is not a universal truth. For may people (read through the threads) they will not be a peace with themselves, they should not go backwards & if they do reconnect they will poison the reconciliation by constantly fretting about their SO's interim lover.

 

 

I believe in the broken plate analogy. You have relationship (the plate) You break up. You glue the pieces back together. Even though it may be functional, you still see the cracks & it's not as good as it was before it was broken.

 

 

That plate analogy is an interesting one and I can certainly see why. I would be lying if I said I didn't wobble on occasion about the rupture and the other person. But I think one thing that came out of this is made us both grow up. I accept fully that it was my behavior that pretty much led to it. Obviously it takes two to tango. But my responsibility in that situation was huge... I pretty much pushed it to happen. I have to live with that.

 

 

BUT we communicate now on a level we had never had previously, if I wobble, I tell her. We discuss it. We are about rebuilding the trust, and that works both ways in me also. Transparency is the key. Never hold things back or bury them. Talk about them, but in the correct manner. That is the key. COMMUNICATION.. without that its doomed to fail after such an event.

[mightycpa]

I have news for you. If she broke it off with you, and she was seeing somebody else, that's not a rebound. The term arises from the concept of being bounced, and being sent on a different trajectory as a result. If you went out with someone, that would probably be a rebound. But her? She's just moving on, trying out the next guy. The only thing you can feel good about is that you were a better match for her than he was. The bad news is that you weren't a close enough match.

 

She may or may not get back with you. But I wouldn't call the failure of her latest relationship hope. That sounds like counting chickens that have not yet hatched.