How are you supposed to date...

[Rejected Rosebud]

But why is it that every guy that I have dated after my ex either does this or they never feel like I'm the right girl for them? Do I have the word "needy" stamped on my forehead?

 

Well ... I would not be surprised if your neediness comes through and is a turn off, you probably should focus on working on that maybe with a counselor??

 

But your other question- first of all, you need to drop the "victim" role. This guy did nothing to you. I am sure it hurt your feelings!! But when you're dating, you are going to meet FAR more guys who aren't that into you, or YOU are not into, or who just aren't into a relationship, than the ONE guy who is going to be the right one for you. Your attitude seems to be that you are ready to hand yourself over to whatever guy will have you. It's not good for you, and it's a guaranteed fail attitude if you are going to date.

 

THIS guy showed you everything you needed to know about him right off the bat. I can understand giving it a little more time than you should have, since evidently you had a great connection online / text. But once you KNEW he was showing weak interest in you, then it was YOUR responsibility to dial back your emotions. But you didn't - you kept fueling your fantasy.

 

I fear that if he calls you again for a "netflix and chill" date you will jump. Am I right? I hope not.

 

I feel like I got played. I never thought that I would fell for this type of stuff again.

You didn't get played!!! What did he do? He showed you he wasn't interested in you. This is what happens probably at least 75% in dating, one of the people isn't interested in taking it further.

 

You played yourself, if you keep doing it you are going to have the same thing happen over and over.

[Gaeta]

I feel like I got played. I never thought that I would fell for this type of stuff again.

 

How do you feel you were played?

[SwordofFlame]

As a guy, I find it almost impossible to build a connection over text. To me it sounds like you went on three dates with this guy and he decided he wasn't really interesting in pursuing a relationship with you after those three dates.

[angel.eyes]

But why is it that every guy that I have dated after my ex either does this or they never feel like I'm the right girl for them? Do I have the word "needy" stamped on my forehead?

Dating is challenging because not everyone we like is going to feel the same way. I'm sure that there are guys who have liked you at some point, but you didn't feel the same way. There was nothing they could have done to change your mind, right? Same here.

 

You just have to keep looking and meeting new guys until it clicks for both of you. If he's not interested, accept that you aren't a match, drop it, and keep looking rather than trying to force a connection. You'll save yourself time, frustration, and angst.

 

I am not dating above my league, and I'm certainly not dating below. I know I have a lot of qualities that are great and I don't go simply for looks either. I have learned to be more settled with what I want, and I'm not foregoing my standards. So why is that when I like a guy, he doesn't like me in return?

Again, not every guy you like is going to like you back. That's dating, and that's life. We don't get everything we want in life.

 

From your posts, it's clear that you're very grounded and would make a great girlfriend for someone. You're thoughtful, kind, giving, and clear about who you are and your boundaries. Don't compromise or change those things about yourself. You have a lot to offer the right guy. The right guy will recognize and value that. The wrong guys won't. This guy didn't, so he didn't warrant your continued efforts. A quick rule of thumb: if the guy doesn't ask you for a second date fairly quickly after the first one, he's not that interested.

 

I read and follow so much dating advice and I'm just trying to be me- authentic and genuine.

Agreed. It's best to be yourself. Stay true to your values and what you want out of dating. You'll find it. It just wasn't with the last few guys you met after your ex.

 

I didn't dive head first into wanting to be with this guy. We talked for a long time because I was trying to gauge his interest in me, and when I was certain that he was serious, I opened up myself to him.

That's a mistake if you're meeting guys online. You don't really learn enough about the person until you meet face-to face. Save the emotional investing and opening up until you actually meet. Meeting in person restarts the dating clock. Since you spent so much time communicating before you actually met, you were pretty emotionally invested by that first (and really only) date. It was very hard for you to accept that, after he met you, he was not interested in dating you or moving forward too.

 

I had the opposite approach when I used OLD. I exchanged a few messages online, had a phone call (a live conversation gives you a much better feel for the person than thousands of messages or texting ever will). If they passed the screening process (and the vast majority of guys didn't), then I met with them as soon as both our schedules permitted. Typically, that was within a week. Most guys called every day until the date. Some guys called one other time and sent a couple of texts before the date. Regardless, I had zero expectations about the outcome going into that first date. That worked very well for me. Your mistake was expecting him to be interested after the first date BECAUSE you had spent so many months and so much time texting beforehand. Again, the clock starts when you first meet in person, not when you first connect online.

 

I feel like I got played. I never thought that I would fell for this type of stuff again.

Played? By whom? Being played involved being lied to or being tricked. This guy did neither. He was crystal clear both in his actions, statements, and choices that he was not interested in proceeding after the first date. You yourself acknowledged his disinterest after each "date" but simply refused to accept it. That's on you...not him! You played you!

 

First, per your posts, he didn't ask for another date. That's not playing you. That's simply not interested. Then look at his flimsy excuses for not dating you when you kept pushing. He would rather pick out cushions for his place and rearrange furniture than date you equals not interested. If he's so busy at work that he can't find time to date you for two months (another of his excuses when you kept pushing), then how is he finding time for his other excuses why he couldn't date you--throwing housewarming parties (to which you weren't invited), hanging out with his friends, and decorating his home? The only reason you got to go over to his place twice, was because you kept pushing and bugging him to meet up again. He refused to take you on another date despite all the pushing from your end.

 

When a guy doesn't want to date you, accept it instead of fighting it. Someone else will. Go find that person...your match...instead of wasting your time on a guy who doesn't want to be with you.

 

Finally get comfortable being single. You've only been single for 7-8 months? You're in your 20's, I believe. Savor the many benefits of being single. Learn about yourself. Spend time with your friends. What's the rush to couple up so quickly following a breakup? Life is a marathon, not a 100 meter sprint. The journey is just as important, if not more so, than the destination.

[xpaperxcutx]

I agree with you guys that I wasn't played but I hate the open ambiguity of why he just up and disappeared. So i got in contact with him through Facebook and just tonight I confronted him.

 

Prior to the confrontation, I even asked if he wanted to go see Batman vs.Superman with me when it comes out and he asked if that wasnt coming out in 3 weeks time? I told him that since he was so busy I'm preplanning ahead in a joking matter. It took him almost 6 hours to reply back saying "yeah true. Too busy lol"

 

And I'm just completely fed up and I told him if he didn't want to date I would understand. I felt like I was talking to a wall. And he replied that he was working 14hour days and was too busy to text.

 

I seen him posting on social media so if he has time for FaceBook then he could've always texted a hello or even drop me a hi.

 

I don't know if I was being mature or completely childish but I told him to at least be honest with me so there could be no hard feelings between us. He told me since I mentioned it, he wasn't looking for anything serious. And i told him I was and since we got that out in the open and we're not on the same page, I appreciated his honesty.

 

And you know, even if you guys think I did a really stupid thing for contacting him (again) I felt like I really stood up for myself . I got an answer, even though it wasn't what I wanted, and now I can move on.

[angel.eyes]

:rolleyes:

 

You had an answer after the first date! Not asking you on another date = definitely not interested in dating you. Ignoring your continued texts about dating = not interested in dating you. Too busy to date, but time to do everything else under the sun = not interested in dating you.

 

You just couldn't accept that he was never going to contact you, could you? Why else would you contact him yet again to state the obvious. It's crystal clear this was yet another ploy to keep the lines of communication open, since obviously he was never going to, and to try and guilt him into giving you a date.

 

He doesn't want to date you. Sorry. We aren't everyone's cup of tea. Let it go and once again please stop contacting him and bugging him about dating. You've gone from seeming clueless to desperate to "whew, bullet dodged" territory in his mind. Please stop being "that"girl.

Edited March 10, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Versacehottie]

I agree with you guys that I wasn't played but I hate the open ambiguity of why he just up and disappeared. So i got in contact with him through Facebook and just tonight I confronted him.

 

Prior to the confrontation, I even asked if he wanted to go see Batman vs.Superman with me when it comes out and he asked if that wasnt coming out in 3 weeks time? I told him that since he was so busy I'm preplanning ahead in a joking matter. It took him almost 6 hours to reply back saying "yeah true. Too busy lol"

 

And I'm just completely fed up and I told him if he didn't want to date I would understand. I felt like I was talking to a wall. And he replied that he was working 14hour days and was too busy to text.

 

I seen him posting on social media so if he has time for FaceBook then he could've always texted a hello or even drop me a hi.

 

I don't know if I was being mature or completely childish but I told him to at least be honest with me so there could be no hard feelings between us. He told me since I mentioned it, he wasn't looking for anything serious. And i told him I was and since we got that out in the open and we're not on the same page, I appreciated his honesty.

 

And you know, even if you guys think I did a really stupid thing for contacting him (again) I felt like I really stood up for myself . I got an answer, even though it wasn't what I wanted, and now I can move on.

 

Yeah I think you did a stupid thing. It appears you have given a lot more weight and importance to your connection with him than reflects the real situation. As an outsider just hearing your side of it (i'm sure his would be less flattering), you seem clingy and not to be observing appropriate boundaries. You had your actual answer a long time ago. He did not play you. You can stand up for yourself without confronting another person if a situation like this arises again but accepting the reality of the situation and making the choice to move on on your own. No confirmation was needed from him; his lack of pursuing you IS the confirmation and you have enough time and many examples of that. I'm glad you can have a take away from this experience that you have characterized as empowering. What I'm saying is that you can empower yourself without confronting a person who did not deserve to be confronted. How you were viewing the relationship was not very reality-based. Empower yourself by choosing to not hang on when there is nothing to hang onto. Glad you know definitively where you stand so now you absolutely have ALL the information you need. Good luck.

[xpaperxcutx]

As much as it was stupid, I also did turn the table on him. For a guy who was working 14hours and has no time to "text", he sure replied quickly to tell me that he wasn't interested and that he wasn't trying to get into a relationship without first seeing sexual compatibility. I told him I didn't have sex outside of relationships. I took charge if the conversation to speak my mind and I also respected his honesty. and afterwards he tried to continue a conversation with me telling me he wasnt trying to get into a relationship JUST YET, and i just knew it was all BS.

 

 

Anyways i spent enough time talking about him.

[Gaeta]

I don't know if I was being mature or completely childish but I told him to at least be honest with me so there could be no hard feelings between us. He told me since I mentioned it, he wasn't looking for anything serious. And i told him I was and since we got that out in the open and we're not on the same page, I appreciated his honesty.

 

And you know, even if you guys think I did a really stupid thing for contacting him (again) I felt like I really stood up for myself . I got an answer, even though it wasn't what I wanted, and now I can move on.

 

Sweetie, you and all of us knew he was not interested in dating you since the first page and even in your previous threads about him.

 

He told you all that already, not in words but in behavior. You need to understand what a man means when he's ignoring you.

 

Also you did not stand up for yourself. You crawled to him. This man turned you down many times and standing up for yourself would have been to walk away with your chin high and your pride intact. Instead you crawled to him and he had to tell you with words what he had told you already 100 times in actions.

 

That being said I am glad this will allow you to move on.