How are you supposed to date...

[Versacehottie]

I think they only got together 3 times, before that it was all online.

 

Oh I don't know how I missed that. this is messier and more confusing (in some ways), because I think there is no real relationship to speak of if it was 3 dates over 6 months. Also anything within that time frame for this amount of dates asking for exclusivity would be unreasonable IMO. Sounds like OP might have not been honest with herself about what the "relationship" really was--sounds like it was a lot of fantasy. But the simplest thing to boil it down to is that if OP wasn't getting what she wanted from the guy for her own life, walk away to go find it. Yep

[xpaperxcutx]

Oh I don't know how I missed that. this is messier and more confusing (in some ways), because I think there is no real relationship to speak of if it was 3 dates over 6 months. Also anything within that time frame for this amount of dates asking for exclusivity would be unreasonable IMO. Sounds like OP might have not been honest with herself about what the "relationship" really was--sounds like it was a lot of fantasy. But the simplest thing to boil it down to is that if OP wasn't getting what she wanted from the guy for her own life, walk away to go find it. Yep

 

I never said we were in a relationship. I had a few great times with him and i saw potential in it becoming a relationship. I think he felt differently because the last time I had any communcations with him he told me he was annoyed with work and i never heard anything back.

[xpaperxcutx]

to ask him how he is? I know today is his day off, so should I just drop a hello?

 

 

Ugh it's frustrating the hell out of me. I never been ghosted before.

[xpaperxcutx]

And his feelings weren't before you met him face to face? He was more into you before he saw you?

 

IMO, holding off from meeting someone allows you to build an artificial construct around them that when you finally getting around to actually meeting them face to face, it can seem somewhat of a letdown because you're more invested in what you built than who they are.

 

This can very well go for the guy, too because the time you spent waiting to meet him allowed him to create a version of you in his head that may not have had anything to do with who you really are; and once he finally meets you, he sees you have "clay feet", as it were.

 

I stay strike while the iron's hot. Meet as soon as possible. I'm not saying commit as soon as possible or have sex as soon as possible, but you need to make a face to face meeting before they've had time to begin building the perfect person that you're not.

I think he was more interested in me because in the beginning I gave him more opportunities to chase. I didn't text him at work and I was always short with my texts.

 

 

And past 3 dates, it was him suggesting. So how can a guy lose interest so quickly? It's been less than one week.

[Rejected Rosebud]

to ask him how he is? I know today is his day off, so should I just drop a hello?

Why would you do that??? :confused:

[preraph]

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. It's too easy for someone to take advantage of. It's about the same as being seen reading a romance novel - immediately the person has a bead on who you are and knows what to say or do to get what they want (sex). Be yourself, but have borders and boundaries that someone has to earn their way through. Don't lay it all out there all at once.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

And past 3 dates, it was him suggesting. So how can a guy lose interest so quickly? It's been less than one week.

OK.

 

1) what do you mean "past 3 dates"? There have been 3 dates total. Except going to a guy's house doesn't really count as a date IMO.

 

2) Please re-read your first thread, here I'll link it for you again:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569061-he-s-fading

 

According to YOU, he was showing little interest immediately following your FIRST meeting.

 

I know it is hurtful to be rejected but it happens to everybody! He just wasn't very interested in you, not since the first time you met. It might not even have anything to do with you. But you are lying to yourself when you say stuff like he lost interest "so quickly." He has been lukewarm at best.

 

If you keep texting him you are just solidifying yourself as a fallback girl. Is that OK with you?

[Emilia]

You need to become a stronger person. Quite possibly by being single for a while. Men tend to like women who are solidly grounded and don't fall apart at the first hurdle. It's very hard work to be in a relationship with someone you need to prop up because he or she is so unsure and basically quite needy. Dating isn't really about going through steps to keep a guy, it's about being someone they want to have a relationship with because they feel you add something to their life they wouldn't find on every corner.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Dating isn't really about going through steps to keep a guy, it's about being someone they want to have a relationship with because they feel you add something to their life they wouldn't find on every corner.

 

It is also about deciding whether a guy is right for you and whether you will get your relationship needs met with him - not desperately clinging onto some guy from the Internet in the hopes that he will finally give you more than a few crumbs. He isn't going to, and you should be able to accept that the way he's dealt with you doesn't make him seem like he'd be any kind of decent boyfriend.

[Emilia]

It is also about deciding whether a guy is right for you and whether you will get your relationship needs met with him - not desperately clinging onto some guy from the Internet in the hopes that he will finally give you more than a few crumbs. He isn't going to, and you should be able to accept that the way he's dealt with you doesn't make him seem like he'd be any kind of decent boyfriend.

 

Yes. Once you realise you can get by quite happily by yourself, you become choosier.

[Versacehottie]

I never said we were in a relationship. I had a few great times with him and i saw potential in it becoming a relationship. I think he felt differently because the last time I had any communcations with him he told me he was annoyed with work and i never heard anything back.

 

Oh I've misunderstood--will have to go back and read your OP. The thing is that at 6 months in this makes this even more pathetic (sorry, really sorry--trying to be blunt and simple). My advice still stands. You want a relationship. He is not showing you that he wants one (perhaps not with you, perhaps just doesn't want one). If you want what you want, don't put more effort into this one. He knows where you stand, if there's any hope for the two of you, he will try when and if he is ready.

[xpaperxcutx]

Oh I've misunderstood--will have to go back and read your OP. The thing is that at 6 months in this makes this even more pathetic (sorry, really sorry--trying to be blunt and simple). My advice still stands. You want a relationship. He is not showing you that he wants one (perhaps not with you, perhaps just doesn't want one). If you want what you want, don't put more effort into this one. He knows where you stand, if there's any hope for the two of you, he will try when and if he is ready.

 

Well i deleted his # so if theres going to be any contact it will have to be from him.

 

Like I said, I'm upset but I can't reach out either.

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad that you're finally listening and letting this go.

 

Chasing after disinterested guys is a complete waste of time and headspace! The time you spent chasing this guy and being frustrated by his behavior would have been much better spent looking for someone else who was actually available and interested in dating you.

 

It's good that you're refocusing now.

[kendahke]

to ask him how he is? I know today is his day off, so should I just drop a hello?

 

NO!!!!!

 

You're chasing him by doing this. Unless you just want to be his friend, let him prove his interest by taking some initiative.

 

edited to add: I'm glad you deleted his number. You will now see the true value of his interest.

[Toodaloo]

He is a pen pal who has wasted your time nothing more.

 

Time to learn the lesson and move on.

[Melrapuo]

As a male and a millennial, I also don't get the hook-up culture. It makes me feel like many people are just out there to screw and not really find love.

 

That being said, I've now been 3 years single and 3.5 years celibate, and sometimes I just feel like I'm going insane lol. I've questioned if I'm doing things wrong and should just give in, but I'd be lying if I told myself the idea of just hooking up doesn't make me feel comfortable. Maybe it's just

Because I've been cheated on and hook ups remind me of that for some reason...I dunno, just not a turn on for me

 

That being said, there are guys out there who don't just hook up, either. You just can't find many of us because, at least in my situation, we're lost, too. /shrug

[angel.eyes]

Just because someone isn't interested in dating you, doesn't automatically mean they are part of the hookup culture. They may be interested in dating and willing to enter a relationship...just not with you. None of us is going to be right for everyone out there. That's just life, no matter how perfect you may think you are.

 

Just because you like someone doesn't mean they must like you back. That's the first step in dating--finding someone where interest is mutual.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Also OP - good for you for deleting his number ... BUT you also said you are leaving it up to him to contact you.

 

Don't you think he's made it very clear to you that he is not very interested? If he calls or texts you next week, I hope, hope, hope that you are not going to extrapolate from that that you are now on a track to get a "title" from him. If he calls you next week ... it will mean little. So don't jump at crumbs please. He's shown you where he's coming from, he's going to have to do a lot more actions to show you something different.

[Miss Peach]

Interested men act interested. Look for high signs of interest, such as regular contact. Regular dates. Him asking questions. Him making sure he secures Time to see you. Him taking an interest in your life, when You two are not together.

 

Anything else is low to medium signs of interest & should not be your primary focus. It really is very easy. If he makes contact, he's interesed. If he asks You out regularly - once or twice a week for at least 4 weeks straight, he's interested.

 

Anything lower than That - he's only jerking your chain. Avoid.

 

This is something I do too.

 

Also figure out what you're looking for. Do you need someone reliable? Someone honest? Someone who wants marriage. Etc. If he deviates from the things you need then move on. Otherwise it will be a time waster.

 

I don't go into a date with a 'Will he like me' feeling. I go knowing what *I'm* looking for and seeing if he would be a good fit for me. And would I be a good fit based on what he says he wants. I don't take it personally. We will either match or we won't.

[xpaperxcutx]

This is something I do too.

 

Also figure out what you're looking for. Do you need someone reliable? Someone honest? Someone who wants marriage. Etc. If he deviates from the things you need then move on. Otherwise it will be a time waster.

 

I don't go into a date with a 'Will he like me' feeling. I go knowing what *I'm* looking for and seeing if he would be a good fit for me. And would I be a good fit based on what he says he wants. I don't take it personally. We will either match or we won't.

 

I wasn't looking for marriage,at least not yet, but everything based off of our interaction leaned towards honesty. And I was almost certain he wasn't seeing anybody at the time.

 

I had no doubt he liked me, because he was always contacting me and because I saw his initiatives, I matched it with my own. Was I wrong?

 

 

This has never happened to me and I guess I'm a little butt-hurt that I still have no idea how he could've went from replying to my texts to fully not talking to me.

 

 

Again, we are moving past day 4 and approaching day 5 and not a single peep.

[angel.eyes]

Of course you don't hear from him regularly! He's been crystal clear that he's not interested.

 

You keep going on about how he was so interested all along and you don't understand. Where are you getting this interest of his??? As soon as you had a first date, his interest plummeted and you felt he was fading. Please go back and read all the threads you started!

 

Instead of setting up a second date, his excuses when you kept initiating included decorating his place, seeing his friends, throwing house-warming parties...oh, and way too busy at work to plan another date. He finally told you to come over to his for dinner and Netflix, and warned you that if you declined his crappy offer, you wouldn't see him again until the end of March (~2 months at the time). He couldn't even be bothered to plan an actual date! So you hopped on over to his. Then kept initiating contact even though he didn't ask to see you again. "Date" #3 finally gets set, and you again thought he was standing you up. But he eventually showed up late at night to take you to his for more Netflix and a sleepover. He suddenly decides in the middle of the night that you need to go home, and he's busily texting someone else at 3 am as he gets you out. Yet, despite such abysmal treatment on your "date," you were still stubbornly initiating contact.

 

The clock starts when you first meet. He has been very clear since you actually met that he's not interested in real dates or a relationship with you. You just kept refusing to accept it. How perfect you think you are for him is completely irrelevant. The fantasy you've created in your mind because you texted for many months before meeting? Completely irrelevant to his actual level of interest once you met.

 

Save yourself so much frustration by accepting that not every guy you like will like you back. Focus instead on guys who are genuinely interested and reciprocate. This guy clearly was never interested in dating (i.e. real dates) or a relationship with you after you met. Learn to cut your losses early so that you can focus on guys where there is genuine potential. Seven plus months wasted in frustration is totally unnecessary.

Edited March 8, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Lois_Griffin]

Of course you don't hear from him regularly! He's been crystal clear that he's not interested.

 

You keep going on about how he was so interested all along and you don't understand. Where are you getting this interest of his??? As soon as you had a first date, his interest plummeted and you felt he was fading. Please go back and read all the threads you started!

 

Instead of setting up a second date, his excuses when you kept initiating included decorating his place, seeing his friends, throwing house-warming parties...oh, and way too busy at work to plan another date. He finally told you to come over to his for dinner and Netflix, and warned you that if you declined his crappy offer, you wouldn't see him again until the end of March (~2 months at the time). He couldn't even be bothered to plan an actual date! So you hopped on over to his. Then kept initiating contact even though he didn't ask to see you again. "Date" #3 finally gets set, and you again thought he was standing you up. But he eventually showed up late at night to take you to his for more Netflix and a sleepover. He suddenly decides in the middle of the night that you need to go home, and he's busily texting someone else at 3 am as he gets you out. Yet, despite such abysmal treatment on your "date," you were still stubbornly initiating contact.

 

The clock starts when you first meet. He has been very clear since you actually met that he's not interested in real dates or a relationship with you. You just kept refusing to accept it. How perfect you think you are for him is completely irrelevant. The fantasy you've created in your mind because you texted for many months before meeting? Completely irrelevant to his actual level of interest once you met.

 

Save yourself so much frustration by accepting that not every guy you like will like you back. Focus instead on guys who are genuinely interested and reciprocate. This guy clearly was never interested in dating (i.e. real dates) or a relationship with you after you met. Learn to cut your losses early so that you can focus on guys where there is genuine potential. Seven plus months wasted in frustration is totally unnecessary.

Damn.

 

My UPS man shows me more respect than this.

[Els]

I wasn't looking for marriage,at least not yet, but everything based off of our interaction leaned towards honesty. And I was almost certain he wasn't seeing anybody at the time.

 

I had no doubt he liked me, because he was always contacting me and because I saw his initiatives, I matched it with my own. Was I wrong?

 

 

This has never happened to me and I guess I'm a little butt-hurt that I still have no idea how he could've went from replying to my texts to fully not talking to me.

 

 

Again, we are moving past day 4 and approaching day 5 and not a single peep.

 

You need to start getting over this guy, PC, and you're not moving in the right direction. Who CARES why he faded? Who CARES what 'day' it is post-contact with him? None of that matters. What matters is you moving on and not letting him take up so much of your headspace when you clearly aren't factoring at all in his.

 

Please don't respond if he messages you.

[xpaperxcutx]

I understand you guys are trying to help me and I really appreciate it.

 

 

But why is it that every guy that I have dated after my ex either does this or they never feel like I'm the right girl for them? Do I have the word "needy" stamped on my forehead?

 

 

I am not dating above my league, and I'm certainly not dating below. I know I have a lot of qualities that are great and I don't go simply for looks either. I have learned to be more settled with what I want, and I'm not foregoing my standards. So why is that when I like a guy, he doesn't like me in return?

 

 

I read and follow so much dating advice and I'm just trying to be me- authentic and genuine. I didn't dive head first into wanting to be with this guy. We talked for a long time because I was trying to gauge his interest in me, and when I was certain that he was serious, I opened up myself to him.

 

 

I feel like I got played. I never thought that I would fell for this type of stuff again.

[Mjm1014]

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm a 28 year old guy, and am in the same boat as you. I'm in good shape, am very friendly, and have a lot going for me, but the same thing happens to me time and time again.

 

Initially women seem interested in me, but it seems like they are only about the sex (I'm way past that and am looking for more), just want someone to be interested in them, and after a few months I start asking if it's going to turn into anything, they go ice cold. It's just our generation, and it sucks! Our generation is all about "me, me, me" and they want to have their cake and eat it too...until something better comes along. Thank Tinder and all the reality tv shows...

 

Best case scenario for us, at least we found out before we got serious with people like that. Keep your head up though, not everyone one is like that!