How are you supposed to date...

[xpaperxcutx]

when in this day and age, everybody just have different expectations of what they want out of dating and relationships?

 

 

Why am I so out of the loop when I am part of the millennial generation yet, I don't want to hook up and have casual sex. And people are telling me not to expect exclusivity so soon, and yet, I see women playing led on for 4-5 months on this forum asking when they can expect exclusivity?

 

This has nothing to do with my Asian background and culture, but most of my friends are in loving relationships and they have boyfriends who do want to get married and settle down in the future. But everytime I put myself out there and try to date, I end up with the guy that just want to have a quick romp in the sack. Yet, 3 months prior they were being lovey-dovey sending me morning texts.

 

How do you expect a girl like me to find authentic love when I am honest and truthful to a fault, and I want to put my heart on my sleeves, but guys just want to play the field? I am not an easy target, but I'm becoming jaded if the next time I try to date decides to pull this ***** on me again.

[Leigh 87]

Maybe some of them do want to commit but just learn after some time that they don't think you two are a good fit?

 

Sure, many men just want fun but I am sure that just as many men also wish to find the love of their life.

[xpaperxcutx]

What exactly did I do wrong???

I was talking to this guy for 6 months and he was always responsive. But lately he hasn't initiated or contacted me. I tried to be understanding of his schedule but he vCard faded on me

[Gaeta]

What exactly did I do wrong???

I was talking to this guy for 6 months and he was always responsive. But lately he hasn't initiated or contacted me. I tried to be understanding of his schedule but he vCard faded on me

 

It sounds like you're all over the place with no plan of action.

 

A) Only go on dates with men looking for relationships

B) Only go on dates with men acting like they are looking for relationships

C) Ask important questions before or on 1st date.

 

Why are you talking to some guy for 6 months?

 

Why are you spending that much time with men without addressing the relationship status?

[d0nnivain]

Communication is key. Make your expectations known & don't settle for somebody who won't meet them.

 

 

I'm not saying you extract a marriage proposal from someone on date 2 but do express that you are looking for monogamy not casual hook ups.

 

 

Then take action. You plan some dates. You initiate things once in a while. Do give the guy plenty of opportunity to come to you but take some control for your own peace of mind.

[Shining One]

You need to make sure that you are what he's looking for in a relationship. I'm not suggesting that you change yourself, but you shouldn't pursue things with someone if you're not what they're looking for.

 

Using myself as an example: Traditional women are not relationship material for me. I'll date them and sleep with them, but I will not make one of them my girlfriend.

[smudge21]

From a male perspective here, I've been looking into why I seem to lose out and reading across the interwebs there's a lot of said about how women (I'm quoting here, so don't have go) have time limit; that is, if you don't make a move, lock them in, make it clear, basically get them into bed within the first few dates, then they'll lose interest and start seeing you more as a friend.

 

Now I don't buy into that (mainly from what I read on here) but if that's what is being offered as advice then maybe that's the reason guys just want to jump into bed asap. Maybe it's not because they only want sex, but because they fear if they don't, then they'll lose out to someone else.

 

I can recall a few times where the chance of an early bit of "play" has come up and I've wanted to take my time, and then I have lost out - it has been like the possibility of anything more has faded because I didn't act on the moment.

 

Basically I guess there are people, male and female, who feel that sex is the way to seal the relationship and so it must be done within the first few dates. If a woman doesn't put out then she's not interested so move on.. if a guy doesn't make a move he's not interested so move on..

 

The problem is knowing how to handle each person as we're all different. I don't think there's a definite answer to that one and you just have to do what you think is right for you, whether that works out or not.

[LydiaLong]

Part of the problem with our modern culture is that people want instant relationships. Finding the right person takes a lot of time, and sometimes you have to go through a lot of brain damage before you find someone who wants what you want. It's a numbers and time game. Just have patience. Learn how to recognize red flags that say he's not for you.

[kendahke]

How do you expect a girl like me to find authentic love when I am honest and truthful to a fault, and I want to put my heart on my sleeves, but guys just want to play the field? I am not an easy target, but I'm becoming jaded if the next time I try to date decides to pull this ***** on me again.

 

Don't invest your emotions/heart so deeply so quickly. Keep a huge slice of skepticism at the ready until they prove otherwise with consistent behavior that reflects the qualities you're after. Don't put your heart on your sleeve until they have proven worthy of it being there for them. Doing that too soon is like casting pearls before swine--they don't appreciate the value before them and with guys like that, they need to be left where they're standing.

[xpaperxcutx]

Don't invest your emotions/heart so deeply so quickly. Keep a huge slice of skepticism at the ready until they prove otherwise with consistent behavior that reflects the qualities you're after. Don't put your heart on your sleeve until they have proven worthy of it being there for them. Doing that too soon is like casting pearls before swine--they don't appreciate the value before them and with guys like that, they need to be left where they're standing.

 

The thing is I felt like I had done everything to be level-headed about my emotions. There was always skepticism when I meet a guy first, and with the most recent guy it was no different. I held off from meeting him and kept our conversations polite and short. Our interactions was only escalated recently but it seemed like he has lukewarm feelings about me.

[xpaperxcutx]

Communication is key. Make your expectations known & don't settle for somebody who won't meet them.

 

 

I'm not saying you extract a marriage proposal from someone on date 2 but do express that you are looking for monogamy not casual hook ups.

 

 

Then take action. You plan some dates. You initiate things once in a while. Do give the guy plenty of opportunity to come to you but take some control for your own peace of mind.

 

 

I think my expectations were known by the fact I always respond to his texts and I did tell him I do like him and that I was dating him ( albeit in his words, not "exclusive yet"). I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal, but I do expect more efforts on his part to reach out.

 

 

He hasn't. The past 2-3 days, for whatever reason, his communication has receded into non-existence and I'm tired of always reaching out. I understand texting everyday isn't something that's sustainable, but for the past 3-4 months, that's how our communication has been.

 

 

I think he just got bored of me and it wasn't anything that I intentionally did. I didn't want to have sex so early and I'm so glad I haven't, because in hindsight I would just become more attached than I am now.

 

 

I'm just a little angry and annoyed and I'm hoping this feeling can just go away because I should never let a guy get to me like this.

[SwordofFlame]

From a male perspective here, I've been looking into why I seem to lose out and reading across the interwebs there's a lot of said about how women (I'm quoting here, so don't have go) have time limit; that is, if you don't make a move, lock them in, make it clear, basically get them into bed within the first few dates, then they'll lose interest and start seeing you more as a friend.

 

Now I don't buy into that (mainly from what I read on here) but if that's what is being offered as advice then maybe that's the reason guys just want to jump into bed asap. Maybe it's not because they only want sex, but because they fear if they don't, then they'll lose out to someone else.

 

I can recall a few times where the chance of an early bit of "play" has come up and I've wanted to take my time, and then I have lost out - it has been like the possibility of anything more has faded because I didn't act on the moment.

 

Basically I guess there are people, male and female, who feel that sex is the way to seal the relationship and so it must be done within the first few dates. If a woman doesn't put out then she's not interested so move on.. if a guy doesn't make a move he's not interested so move on..

 

The problem is knowing how to handle each person as we're all different. I don't think there's a definite answer to that one and you just have to do what you think is right for you, whether that works out or not.

 

I have to agree here. Maybe it has to do with chemistry/spark. Maybe I just haven't dated a woman where the chemistry for her takes time to develop. Or maybe I have, but wasn't patient enough. It's hard to be patient with online dating though. That might be the problem.

[Rejected Rosebud]

You need to make sure that you are what he's looking for in a relationship. I'm not suggesting that you change yourself, but you shouldn't pursue things with someone if you're not what they're looking for.

 

Using myself as an example: Traditional women are not relationship material for me. I'll date them and sleep with them, but I will not make one of them my girlfriend.

 

I disagree with this 108%!!!

 

OP - it's not up to you to figure out whether you're "what he's looking for." You just do you. If the guy isn't into who you are, it won't work. That doesn't mean he's a douche or only wanted sex or whatever. It just means it wasn't happening.

 

Keep in mind that many guys will be happy to have sex with you if they find you attractive and you are into doing it, it doesn't mean that they necessarily want to be your boyfriend, OR that they are "only after one thing," it just means that they felt like having sex with you and got to do it. If YOU don't feel comfortable or ready, just DON'T. If the guy's interest is not high enough to hang in there until you ARE ready, let him go, no big loss!!

 

The quoted poster says he will have sex with "traditional women" but not "make them his girlfriend." Well, what I think of as traditional women are not going to be casual sex material for any guy. And, just don't buy into the idea of some guy "making you his girlfriend." YOU are in just as much a position to choose as any guy is. Just because he might feel like "making you his girlfriend" is only 50% of the equation, you would have to want to make him your boyfriend, and a huge percentage of guys are not going to be a good match for you. That's up to you to figure out.

 

I really think you need to get rid of the mindset that some guy is going to "make you his girlfriend." I saw that in your threads about the guy - you just wanted him to give you a TITLE and then you'd be happy - when all he did was show you that he was in no way going to be a suitable boyfriend for you!

 

Please don't buy into all the hookup culture stuff, or listen to the guys here on LS who say they have to sleep with a girl before deciding if she's worthy of them . I'm sure they are being honest, but seriously, would you WANT to be with a guy who approached women and relationships like that? I mean, unless you yourself feel that you need to test out a man's sexual prowess before deciding he's good enough in the sack to bother spending any time with, then it's a good match!

 

You don't have to prove anything, and neither do guys, it's just about dating and getting to know each other. Both should put their best foot forward, but still be themselves. There are so many steps along the way to learn that it's NOT a good fit. Just keep being observant, and not invest yourself so much in guys before you get to know them and how they behave towards you.

[xpaperxcutx]

It sounds like you're all over the place with no plan of action.

 

A) Only go on dates with men looking for relationships

B) Only go on dates with men acting like they are looking for relationships

C) Ask important questions before or on 1st date.

 

Why are you talking to some guy for 6 months?

 

Why are you spending that much time with men without addressing the relationship status?

 

Hey Gaeta,

 

 

I did A & B. But I didn't do C. I think I did C once and asked him what he was looking for? He told me friends first and if things developed might lead to something serious. And I did that. All those months of texting were us trying to get to know each other, not rushing anything. So here we are, met after 2-3 times and poof!, he's gone.

 

 

He certainly acted like he was interested in pursuing things further. When he was away on his business trips, he was in constant contact with me. So either, he continued to be on the dating app that we had met, and he found a new girl (hence the late night text he got when I was with the past weekend), and now he's pulling the disappearing act on me.

[xpaperxcutx]

You need to make sure that you are what he's looking for in a relationship. I'm not suggesting that you change yourself, but you shouldn't pursue things with someone if you're not what they're looking for.

 

Using myself as an example: Traditional women are not relationship material for me. I'll date them and sleep with them, but I will not make one of them my girlfriend.

 

Seeing how we texted almost everyday since the beginning, and it wasn't like he was seeing another girl on the side, I would imagine he thought I was someone he wanted to be with. I did ask him if we were dating, and he did told me that we were, albeit not exclusively yet.

 

I'm just so confused.

 

 

And your ideology that you will bed traditional women but not make them your girlfriend kind of is a turn-off to me. Most traditional women probably do not want to sleep with you knowing your mindset about them.

[Gaeta]

Hey Gaeta,

 

 

I did A & B. But I didn't do C. I think I did C once and asked him what he was looking for? He told me friends first and if things developed might lead to something serious. And I did that. All those months of texting were us trying to get to know each other, not rushing anything. So here we are, met after 2-3 times and poof!, he's gone.

 

 

He certainly acted like he was interested in pursuing things further. When he was away on his business trips, he was in constant contact with me. So either, he continued to be on the dating app that we had met, and he found a new girl (hence the late night text he got when I was with the past weekend), and now he's pulling the disappearing act on me.

 

If you are looking for a relationship minded man, do not meet up with men wanting to play friends first. They're not serious.

 

Like you I have learn that the hard way. I thought how nice he wants us to be friends he must be serious, WRONG! These men are huge time waster. Most of the time they are aiming at being friends ....of course with sleeping together. There is not one serious bone in them.

 

Keep on asking: What are you looking for till you hear : I am looking for a relationship.

 

Ask how long have you been single: And don't go out with men recently single.

 

Ask how long they need to date someone to know if they want exclusivity. If they say anything over 4-6 weeks, don't go out with them.

 

I wish I knew all that when I started dating.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Look, x - you need to just look at yourself here instead of the whole dating conundrum. You went on ONE MEET with this guy you talked to for TWO MONTHS and immediately felt that he was "fading."

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569061-he-s-fading

 

After the first meet, you said there was no talk of meeting again.

 

He had no time for you. I think it was fun flirting and texting with you but when it came down to making something happen in real life, he wasn't into it.

 

You had ALL this information after you met once. WE all had it because you flat-out told us.

 

So, you are hoping for something to magically happen out of very little, with a guy who has given you no real reason to think that will ever happen.

 

You need to NOT do this at all if you seriously want to find a relationship through going on dates. You'll need to put yourself out there but at the same time, be detached enough to realistically observe what the other person is clearly telling you through their actions. If you insist on attaching your fantasies onto guys who show up in your life, rather than actually learning about them and what they are interested in (especially where you're concerned) you are not going to have any happy outcomes from your dating experiences.

[Shining One]

I disagree with this 108%!!!

 

OP - it's not up to you to figure out whether you're "what he's looking for." You just do you. If the guy isn't into who you are, it won't work. That doesn't mean he's a douche or only wanted sex or whatever. It just means it wasn't happening.

 

Keep in mind that many guys will be happy to have sex with you if they find you attractive and you are into doing it, it doesn't mean that they necessarily want to be your boyfriend, OR that they are "only after one thing," it just means that they felt like having sex with you and got to do it. If YOU don't feel comfortable or ready, just DON'T. If the guy's interest is not high enough to hang in there until you ARE ready, let him go, no big loss!!

 

The quoted poster says he will have sex with "traditional women" but not "make them his girlfriend." Well, what I think of as traditional women are not going to be casual sex material for any guy. And, just don't buy into the idea of some guy "making you his girlfriend." YOU are in just as much a position to choose as any guy is. Just because he might feel like "making you his girlfriend" is only 50% of the equation, you would have to want to make him your boyfriend, and a huge percentage of guys are not going to be a good match for you. That's up to you to figure out.

 

I really think you need to get rid of the mindset that some guy is going to "make you his girlfriend." I saw that in your threads about the guy - you just wanted him to give you a TITLE and then you'd be happy - when all he did was show you that he was in no way going to be a suitable boyfriend for you!

 

Please don't buy into all the hookup culture stuff, or listen to the guys here on LS who say they have to sleep with a girl before deciding if she's worthy of them . I'm sure they are being honest, but seriously, would you WANT to be with a guy who approached women and relationships like that? I mean, unless you yourself feel that you need to test out a man's sexual prowess before deciding he's good enough in the sack to bother spending any time with, then it's a good match!

 

You don't have to prove anything, and neither do guys, it's just about dating and getting to know each other. Both should put their best foot forward, but still be themselves. There are so many steps along the way to learn that it's NOT a good fit. Just keep being observant, and not invest yourself so much in guys before you get to know them and how they behave towards you.

My advice basically boils down to: "Avoid men who say that you're not what they are looking for." Do you agree with that advice? It's advice I follow myself when it comes to pursuing women.

[kendahke]

The thing is I felt like I had done everything to be level-headed about my emotions. There was always skepticism when I meet a guy first, and with the most recent guy it was no different. I held off from meeting him and kept our conversations polite and short. Our interactions was only escalated recently but it seemed like he has lukewarm feelings about me.

 

And his feelings weren't before you met him face to face? He was more into you before he saw you?

 

IMO, holding off from meeting someone allows you to build an artificial construct around them that when you finally getting around to actually meeting them face to face, it can seem somewhat of a letdown because you're more invested in what you built than who they are.

 

This can very well go for the guy, too because the time you spent waiting to meet him allowed him to create a version of you in his head that may not have had anything to do with who you really are; and once he finally meets you, he sees you have "clay feet", as it were.

 

I stay strike while the iron's hot. Meet as soon as possible. I'm not saying commit as soon as possible or have sex as soon as possible, but you need to make a face to face meeting before they've had time to begin building the perfect person that you're not.

[DC77]

I feel for you paper cut. Dating is tough and as a generation Xer I definitely can't keep up either... It's interesting we seem to have a similar situation only mine progressed over 3 weeks not months. Thing is, he said all of the right things. He said day one he wanted a relationship. I asked a lot of the important questions too. But I'm a believer that actions speak louder than words. And I knew something was up. I just wasnt very eloquent in my approach. Dating would be so much easier if people were just honest and upfront. I'm not interested. I don't see this going anywhere. Over. Done. It become difficult when they send mixed signals. So I feel you...

 

Your advice to me was if I were a quality woman I should shut the door and be done. Definitely easier said than done, no? If this guy is not giving you what you want (which 3 months is more than enough time for an exclusivity decision) why haven't you just walked away?

Edited March 5, 2016 by DC77

[candie13]

Interested men act interested. Look for high signs of interest, such as regular contact. Regular dates. Him asking questions. Him making sure he secures Time to see you. Him taking an interest in your life, when You two are not together.

 

Anything else is low to medium signs of interest & should not be your primary focus. It really is very easy. If he makes contact, he's interesed. If he asks You out regularly - once or twice a week for at least 4 weeks straight, he's interested.

 

Anything lower than That - he's only jerking your chain. Avoid.

[Leigh 87]

Hey Gaeta,

 

 

I did A & B. But I didn't do C. I think I did C once and asked him what he was looking for? He told me friends first and if things developed might lead to something serious. And I did that. All those months of texting were us trying to get to know each other, not rushing anything. So here we are, met after 2-3 times and poof!, he's gone.

 

 

He certainly acted like he was interested in pursuing things further. When he was away on his business trips, he was in constant contact with me. So either, he continued to be on the dating app that we had met, and he found a new girl (hence the late night text he got when I was with the past weekend), and now he's pulling the disappearing act on me.

 

When a guy is interested it is just obvious. Even introverted guys who are hugely nervous around women have madeit known to me......

 

The men who have been into me in that way have NOT done the " friends first" bullcrap. They were clearly feeling too much chemistry. Someone that even suggests friends first lacks a strong attraction for you.

[Versacehottie]

Just one tip which doesn't encompass the entire issue OP is having but: if you ask a guy if he wants to be exclusive and he tells you not yet which = NO, then say we are not on the same page and let him go.

 

Especially in your case where you indicate there was a 6 month period. I'll assume you asked this at a somewhat reasonable moment within that time frame. Although with the result it doesn't really matter. Point is: if you asked him 1-2 weeks in (unreasonable, let's say) or 2 months in (reasonable, let's say), the bottom line is no matter what you KEPT dating him. Thus there is no reason or incentive for him to change his position. Negotiating 101.

 

He kept getting what/how he wanted and you went nowhere even though your question alone told him that you wanted exclusivity. You can switch it around and rather than ask "the question", tell him how you feel; make a statement of your position.

 

So you think you did things right. Maybe you did at the beginning, it just sounds like you didn't follow the steps all the way through. If you ask the questions "are you looking for a relationship" ("because I am") but then you fail to follow that up with your actions and hang in there when someone isn't giving you a relationship--wait, no correction, won't even give you exclusivity, but is getting the benefit of a relationship and your attention (like a puppy dog waiting for one), you have lost any leverage you may have had. Which actually typically causes the other party to lose interest and almost always will not make them change their behavior. TO GET WHAT YOU WANT, you have to be bold and walk away if you are not getting it. Sometimes (often enough) the other person will come around. I wouldn't count on that as a strategy but bottom line if you are not getting what you want, don't sit there and wait for it to change.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Especially in your case where you indicate there was a 6 month period. I'll assume you asked this at a somewhat reasonable moment within that time frame. Although with the result it doesn't really matter. Point is: if you asked him 1-2 weeks in (unreasonable, let's say) or 2 months in (reasonable, let's say), the bottom line is no matter what you KEPT dating him.

I think they only got together 3 times, before that it was all online.

[xpaperxcutx]

Interested men act interested. Look for high signs of interest, such as regular contact. Regular dates. Him asking questions. Him making sure he secures Time to see you. Him taking an interest in your life, when You two are not together.

 

Anything else is low to medium signs of interest & should not be your primary focus. It really is very easy. If he makes contact, he's interesed. If he asks You out regularly - once or twice a week for at least 4 weeks straight, he's interested.

 

Anything lower than That - he's only jerking your chain. Avoid.

 

I based his interest off of texting me everyday since we exchanged numbers (3-4 months in total).

 

His contact has significantly died down bevause of work but even if Im super duper busy I would still send a text.

 

For whatever reason, he has lost interest. And i just have to suck it up.