Should I date?

[Doop]

LHey,

 

I'm 25 and have never dated. Girls hated me from childhood to now. I've gone all my life as a single dude and have loved it. It just occured to me that I'm old now and all my friends are experienced at this and I've never done it. I started to get interested in it, but then I remembered how much I love freedom, being able to bail out of something whenever I want without having to answer to anyone. I assume you can't do that with relationships. Its still a thing I'd like to find out more about as I'm very ignorant to the whole concept. I was hoping someone here could give me the overview of what a relationship entails and whether or not they think I should pursue one.

 

If you reply with information about relationships, please do not assume I know what you are talking about. Please go into detail. When I say I am ignorant on the subject matter, I mean it. I literally know nothing about it.

 

Thanks.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Girls hated me from childhood to now.

 

1. Please provide evidence of this.

 

2. Girls hate guys with no confidence, or who have already prejudged them and what they like. So saying that is self-fulfilling.

 

3. Quit being such a downer. Read your post again and then ask yourself 'Would I want to date that person?'. Then, change your attitude and become someone another would want to date.

[Doop]

1. Please provide evidence of this.

 

2. Girls hate guys with no confidence, or who have already prejudged them and what they like. So saying that is self-fulfilling.

 

3. Quit being such a downer. Read your post again and then ask yourself 'Would I want to date that person?'. Then, change your attitude and become someone another would want to date.

 

1. Any evidence I could provide would be anecdotal and insufficient. I'll just name some highlights from 25 years living in my shoes. In grade school girls used to line up in the halls telling me I was ugly. In high school every girl I tried to talk to rejected me and I was the only guy who couldn't get a prom date. So I stayed home. Every girl I've ever tried to ask out has said no. One time my friends took me out to a big party. There were four of us. We met four single girls. Three of which paired up with my other three friends, the fourth girl decided she didn't want to be near me and went home. I've had at least two women come up to me randomly and tell me I looked "funny". The list goes on and on. All women just hate me. Its kind of funny and comic actually.

 

2. Still waiting on your point.

 

3. Hell no I wouldn't.

 

I'm really just wanting information on dating. Not to talk about myself or my history. I just thought a little bit of background would be helpful. I personally don't think I'm datable. I'm too much of a pretentious ******* and singleton. I have no idea what its like to be involved with someone. When I see couples doing the things couples do I have no idea what the **** they're doing.

[Doop]

I'm always nice around women. Treat them with respect, you know. I don't "check them out" or anything. I don't hit on them either. Other guys can get away with that ****, but I would get myself slapped if I did it. I just talk to them as if I were talking to another guy, without all the bad language or offensive stuff. I don't flirt. Girls always make it clear right away by their expressions and behavior, before any words are even spoken, that they want nothing to do with me. Its ALL women too, not just some or most.

 

I've experimented with certain things, by analyzing how women act towards me when I'm trying to speak to them and am treating them nicely, and then observing how they act towards other guys. They either act as if they would rather choke than continue conversing with me or they just outright tell me to go away (the later of which I much prefer). Towards other guys they obviously flirt and take notice of them. It is a very entertaining thing to watch.

 

Its remarkable to witness how girls treat other guys. They melt over them and seek their attention. Its very entertaining to watch. It really does fascinate me. I could walk into some random room, see a girl sitting there and say something to her and watch her eyeballs roll. Then sit and watch as some other guy walks in, says the same exact thing to her in the exact same way I did, and watch her smile and flirt with him. It is very entertaining and interesting to me.

 

I have always found the customs of human interaction, especially dating, to be very interesting and funny. It has never meant anything to me. But I've been thinking recently that maybe the reason I don't get it is because I've never done it. I'm skeptical of me being able to find a girl to agree to a date with me but I'm not ruling out the possibility. My track record's results are certainly not encouraging.

 

Like I said before, my current position is that dating and relationships are ridiculous and a waste of time. However, I'm always open for my views to change. I have loved my freedom for the past 25 years and couldn't imagine any other way of life being nearly as good. However, all my friends seem to think relationships are the key to human happiness and can't seem to get enough of them. But I think they are credulous numbskulls myself. They are drawn into societal norms like sheep. But I digress.....

Edited March 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PacMann87]

My guess would be that you most likely have a social disorder or impairment that you can resolve with seeing a social counsellors. People who go through adolescence without a single positive interaction with the opposite sex usually tend to have a personality/social imbalance of some sort.

 

The fact that you observe other men and women and how they interact and form the opinions you do about it shows a glimpse into the way your mind works.

Also the overwhelming negative and pessimistic view you have of yourself and your chances with women is something that I'm sure has grown larger and larger with time to the point where anyone new you meet can notice quickly the hopelessness self insecurity you carry around with you.

 

I'm not one to advocate therapy as the advise to give someone who has a dating issue at all by the way. However in your case, I think you would benefit from getting the input and professional opinion from someone who has expert knowledge into social imbalances and disorders.

 

Think about it. Even if you go once a week for a month and you don't see any improvements or helpfulness... Then you are in the same position you are now. There's no reason not to go. All it can do is help you

[PogoStick]

No you should not pursue a relationship. However, you should immediately make an appointment with a therapist and develop a long term patient relationship with them. I'm not saying it to be mean at all, it's the absolute advice you need.

[Doop]

Ok, fair enough. I was kind of teetering on the "no" myself. Thanks guys.

[Doop]

The fact that you observe other men and women and how they interact and form the opinions you do about it shows a glimpse into the way your mind works.

Also the overwhelming negative and pessimistic view you have of yourself and your chances with women is something that I'm sure has grown larger and larger with time to the point where anyone new you meet can notice quickly the hopelessness self insecurity you carry around with you.

 

I'm not sure what part of my posts implied to you that I have a negative or pessimistic mindset. Like I said, I act straight forward and normal around girls. I'm the realest of realists. I say things how they are verbatim. I'm not sure that I gave ANY opinions about myself in my posts. I did say that I find human behavior, particularly the interaction between the opposite sex funny and entertaining. Thats because I do. It has nothing to do with my feelings toward myself. They interest me enough to try to pursue some of them just out of curiosity. Most people's lives seem to revolve around them. But I might be making a big mistake.

 

I'm

[Poutrew]

You say all women hate you. So what does your own mum think? Have you asked her? If she hesitates and has a funny look on her face before she says something nice about you, then yes, you have a problem. Then, if you have any male friends, ask them why they wouldn't want you dating their sisters. Listen to what they tell you. At that point you can get into counseling and work on the issues you are having because you will have a target to aim at.

[Doop]

Well, that's ok. I'm not that sold on the concept anyway. I was just asking. I certainly won't be going to that extent to make it happen. It's different strokes for different folks IMO. I guess most people are born with the capacity to date and find mates easily, while some of us are just inadequate. It's no big deal. Actually, not a single one of my friends have sisters actually now that I think about it, so that wouldn't work, Lol. But that does sound like good advice. I tend to believe that if someone is naturally awkward and inadequate at these things, they should never pursue them. Therapy is just a way of forcing something out of someone that isn't there to begin with. It should just be left alone. I appreciate all your answers. Like I said, I was just asking. I have no experience at this so I just wanted to get an idea of what its all about. Your answers indicated that its a rather tough road. That helps me understand and make my decision whether or not its for me. I feel its probably not.

 

Thanks guys!

[GravityMan]

1. Please provide evidence of this.

 

2. Girls hate guys with no confidence, or who have already prejudged them and what they like. So saying that is self-fulfilling.

 

3. Quit being such a downer. Read your post again and then ask yourself 'Would I want to date that person?'. Then, change your attitude and become someone another would want to date.

 

Regarding the bolded...I wouldn't go THAT far.

[smackie9]

Is it possible you are confused about your sexuality??

[Doop]

Is it possible you are confused about your sexuality??

 

Nope. you people really are the kings of non-sequiturs aren't you? Reading things into what I said that aren't there.

[smackie9]

Sometimes we need to ask questions to get a better idea of the situation. Many people withhold information that is crucial. No intent on being rude or anything. It's part of the process my dear.

[smackie9]

BTW you can pursue anything you want. Not all relationships are the same. This is where expectations and boundaries come into play. You find someone who doesn't need to know where you are 24-7, and expect you to do everything with them. There are others who are fiercely independent as you are and value they space/alone time. This is what going out on dates are for...to discover if you have anything in common beyond attraction.

 

You have no clue what it's like to be in a relationship, or what it is to be in love, so that being said, your perspective/attitude now will most likely change when you do fall in love. trust me you will want to be with them. It's not like playing a video game where you will want to take a break and go do something else because you feel restricted or bored. Something biological with kick in and you will want to be with them all the time, etc.

 

So have at'er, and get those toes wet before you start passing judgement about relationships. Maybe you will realize how lonely you really are and what you have been missing out on.....like a whole knew existence to be explored.

Edited March 5, 2016 by smackie9

[JustGettingBy]

At your age, women begin to get much more mature. Its a lot more worth a shot, because as long as you make it clear you respect them, even if they reject you, they'll do it in a way that won't make you feel nearly as bad.

[Doop]

BTW you can pursue anything you want. Not all relationships are the same. This is where expectations and boundaries come into play. You find someone who doesn't need to know where you are 24-7, and expect you to do everything with them. There are others who are fiercely independent as you are and value they space/alone time. This is what going out on dates are for...to discover if you have anything in common beyond attraction.

 

You have no clue what it's like to be in a relationship, or what it is to be in love, so that being said, your perspective/attitude now will most likely change when you do fall in love. trust me you will want to be with them. It's not like playing a video game where you will want to take a break and go do something else because you feel restricted or bored. Something biological with kick in and you will want to be with them all the time, etc.

 

So have at'er, and get those toes wet before you start passing judgement about relationships. Maybe you will realize how lonely you really are and what you have been missing out on.....like a whole knew existence to be explored.

 

Lets not get carried away. I've never had "feelings" for anyone. Don't think I ever could either. It's just not in me. I've seen tons of women too. I think maybe you're right about confused about my sexuality now that I think about it. I think I'm possibly asexual. I'm not even close to gay though. I get horny for women, tits, and vaginas. Lol. The impact on me is just not as profound as other guys. Sitting on my ass is often preferable than going out and trying to meet girls to my mind.

[katiegrl]

Lets not get carried away. I've never had "feelings" for anyone. Don't think I ever could either. It's just not in me. I've seen tons of women too. I think maybe you're right about confused about my sexuality now that I think about it. I think I'm possibly asexual. I'm not even close to gay though. I get horny for women, tits, and vaginas. Lol. The impact on me is just not as profound as other guys. Sitting on my ass is often preferable than going out and trying to meet girls to my mind.

 

Doop, I think you're fine. That's you. A non-conformist, a bit of an iconoclast. An introspector. Not everyone is cut out to be partnered. You seem okay with that, and have accepted it.

 

I don't sense any bitterness in you because of it. Curious, but not bitter.

 

You are 25, this could change, perhaps not.

 

The only thing I might suggest is using your obviously very high level of intelligence to do some good in the world.

 

Wish you the best....

[Doop]

Doop, I think you're fine. That's you. A non-conformist, a bit of an iconoclast. An introspector. Not everyone is cut out to be partnered. You seem okay with that, and have accepted it.

 

I don't sense any bitterness in you because of it. Curious, but not bitter.

 

You are 25, this could change, perhaps not.

 

The only thing I might suggest is using your obviously very high level of intelligence to do some good in the world.

 

Wish you the best....

 

Thanks. I'm still not opposed to the idea. Almost everyone tells me that falling in love is literally the best thing that can happen to someone. Since I've never experienced it, I can't tell them they're wrong. But I have suspicions that it is probably very similar to religion. People so strongly want to belive that its true that they'll act as if its the most important thing in their lives, even if its clearly not. Though I'm an atheist now, I can go back and try on my old beliefs and see how its not what everyone else described it was. That's kind of how I perceived it.

 

I suspect that sex would almost definitely be worth doing. But again, I don't think I could ever achieve it with a girl just judging from past experience with girls being repulsed by my appearance. I would question my ability to perform adequately as well. Maybe my perception of reality is flawed. Maybe I see something different in the mirror than what everyone else sees when they look at me. These thoughts are all very new to me. I have never really put much thought into this topic. Its kind of interesting to me because it gives me something new to ponder.

[Doop]

One little caveat I feel the need to put in there is that despite people being so hellbent on relationships and love, I also see people losing their minds over it as well, obsessing, crying, and sometimes resorting to some questionable things because of it. I just don't want to put myself through anything like that. It seems so needless. I find it might be better, since I'm currently not introduced to it and therefore not addicted to it, to just continue to abstain from it.

[elaine567]

I actually doubt that you are physically repulsive to women, ugly people get dates all the time, fairly good looking people may not get dates, it is not just purely about looks.

[Doop]

I actually doubt that you are physically repulsive to women, ugly people get dates all the time, fairly good looking people may not get dates, it is not just purely about looks.

 

I'm pretty bad off in the looks department actually. Its sad. Lol

 

My awkward personality and weird voice also add to the effect of my ugliness. Lol... I'm not joking.

[spriggan2]

My guess is what you consider to be normal and straightforward is actually massively distorted. It's what happens when you spend so much time disconnected. That doesn't mean you aren't normal. It just means your self critical view isn't.

 

Any anyway, if you want to date, you have to start thinking positive to get positive results. You'll get a ton of rejections just like everyone else. I dont know all these guys you're describing who get women effortlessly and naturally. That might be part of your distortion. It's tough out there for pretty much everyone man, but if you're persistent and adaptive, you can improve.

 

If you think you're ugly get a makeover and try to look your best. I always thought I was ugly, I put extra effort into my grooming and wardrobe and fitness and it turns out I'm actually hot to a lot of women. Can you grow a beard yet? Chicks dig the beard. Stylish glasses? A new haircut. Clear up pimples and acne. It's arduous but Im sure you can drastically improve your appearance

 

GO TO THERAPHY. It's a wonderful anchor in the process of self improvement, which is vital to building your confidence. You can work through your issues with someone smart and capable and proven.

 

If you're fascinated by human interaction, then experiment flirting with girls, in a friendly way. Your strategy hasn't been working. Try new approaches. See what works and what doesn't. Work on getting more comfortable. You can't just snap out of awkwardness, but you can gradually decrease it.

 

Im sure many people have overcome worse situations than yours and ended up in loving relationships. I was 29 when I got my first GF and I while I regret all the time lost, I'm at peace with it. Im meeting great people and I'm not damaged and I still feel the magic of bonding.

 

Start dating if you feel like you can treat someone with kindness, consideration and respect. If you find someone you like, and if you think it might be enjoyable/beneficial for you. The attraction part is up to them, so just be easy on yourself.

Edited March 6, 2016 by spriggan2

[katiegrl]

Thanks. I'm still not opposed to the idea. Almost everyone tells me that falling in love is literally the best thing that can happen to someone. Since I've never experienced it, I can't tell them they're wrong. But I have suspicions that it is probably very similar to religion. People so strongly want to belive that its true that they'll act as if its the most important thing in their lives, even if its clearly not. Though I'm an atheist now, I can go back and try on my old beliefs and see how its not what everyone else described it was. That's kind of how I perceived it.

 

I suspect that sex would almost definitely be worth doing. But again, I don't think I could ever achieve it with a girl just judging from past experience with girls being repulsed by my appearance. I would question my ability to perform adequately as well. Maybe my perception of reality is flawed. Maybe I see something different in the mirror than what everyone else sees when they look at me. These thoughts are all very new to me. I have never really put much thought into this topic. Its kind of interesting to me because it gives me something new to ponder.

 

Yes I think it's rather sad how many (not all) people place so much emphasis on looks and appearance. If they didn't, my sense is you'd attract women ....because franky, I find your rather quirky personality and raw honesty quite interesting!

 

As I am sure others would too if given the chance to get to know you.

 

Also your ability to accept your unfortunate past, your treatment by others growing up, and even your current situation, without any sense of bitterness is certainly to be admired.

 

With respect to relationships, they come in all shapes and sizes.

 

Some couples want to spend all, if not most, of their free time together, always checking in with each other, being accountable for their whereabouts....whereas other couples require a lot of space (mental, physical, emotional), rarely spending time together.....and then there are couples who fall somewhere in between. There is no *one size fits all* when it comes to relationships.

 

Some reputable psychologists compare falling in love with a sort of *temporary insanity."

 

Emotions are complex, that *feeling* people describe is intangible, but I define it as sort of an *energy* generating between both people....which causes them to connect on an emotional level which surpasses what they normally would feel for family and friends.

 

It can be quite volatile, but can also be quite beautiful.

 

Hopefully, one day you will experience it. If you do, it will happen upon you when you least expect it.

 

Right now you may simply be "energy blocked.". And as such are unable to receive or generate energy, resulting in an inability to attract others to you, and an inability for you to feel attracted to others as well.

 

There has been a ton of research on this, if you are interested.

 

Just Google it.

Edited March 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Hey Doop,

 

I was the same at you at 25. I never ever dated, not even have considered it.

never kissed a guy. Never touched anybody. I has also been very introverted (INTJ) and enjoyed introspection much more than conversation. I was the one making fun of people wanting relationships.

 

Around that time I fell for one man. I couldn't date him for a number of reasons, but I'd fantasize about future with him etc. He ended up with someone else. I had hard times swallowing this, so continued my date-free life till 27.5.

 

Then I was ready for dating...ehm, revenge type. I wanted to show to my old flame I'm worth it. I happen to meet a much older guy, very experienced, borderline illegal, very exciting. He initiated an affair with me. It was insane, people were staring at us. I went from total virgin to have tried it all within a week. This was the easy part. The hard part: I didn't know how to behave in a relationship. My family was full of disfunctional, abusive relationships, I've really haven't seen a good one. Well, I learned it the hard way. This guy turned abusive a few times, stalked me... I left. Met another one - it was easy already. I met him online, the physical part was not new, and he was fast-paced because... he wanted to use me to pay his rent. It was a terrible relationship but I felt sort of emotionally trained afterwards. We lived together, I learned how to behave in a relationship-mode. My current, third, relationship is strained to some extent, but it is already approaching one year mark. I'm 31 now.

 

So see, everything is possible. Not everybody starts chasing boys/girls at 12. I literally haven't spoke to a man one to one by age of 22. Never flirted no nothing by 25. Never kissed by 27. And now at 31 - I'm living a nearly married-like life. And I'm on my third LTR.

 

Saying all this, I wanted to show you that life is just starting for you.

What worked for me: finding guys way more experienced that me to take the lead (the current one btw was even less experienced than me and 37 - I think I am his first real girlfriend of over 3-4 months; however, I had been trained by the first two guys that I mentioned). Also: realize your freedom will decline initially, but that steadily recovers in time. I can elaborate on this if it will be helpful, but I feel like I rather let you get your own experiences.

 

And lastly - tap yourself on the shoulder. I think is so much better to have experienced single life and pure introspection before diving in the world of relationships. This gives you the chance for real growth. Embrace it rather than trying to normalize by the imposed societal norms.

 

LHey,

 

I'm 25 and have never dated. Girls hated me from childhood to now. I've gone all my life as a single dude and have loved it. It just occured to me that I'm old now and all my friends are experienced at this and I've never done it. I started to get interested in it, but then I remembered how much I love freedom, being able to bail out of something whenever I want without having to answer to anyone. I assume you can't do that with relationships. Its still a thing I'd like to find out more about as I'm very ignorant to the whole concept. I was hoping someone here could give me the overview of what a relationship entails and whether or not they think I should pursue one.

 

If you reply with information about relationships, please do not assume I know what you are talking about. Please go into detail. When I say I am ignorant on the subject matter, I mean it. I literally know nothing about it.

 

Thanks.