How I "got him back" & what I learned

[CUL]

This is my first post on here, but I wanted to share my experience because when I was searching for success stories 2 months ago, all I saw was tons of pessimism.

 

I was with my BF for 1.5 years before we broke up. For the first year, we were inseparable - we lived every second of our lives together (looking back, this wasn't healthy at all), but we were in a state of bliss. Once the honeymoon period ended, he started wanting time on his own to drink, party and hang out with friends (we're still in uni, so it was nothing unexpected). It was my first "real" relationship, so when I saw this change in him, all my panic buttons went off at once! I started doubting him, accusing him of cheating, hurling hurtful statements his way. I became really needy and clingy, restricting him from going out, and calling him non-stop when he actually did go out. He said he felt "suffocated" and that he feared coming home every day to me yelling. It didn't help that we lived together.

 

So somewhere around the 1.5 year mark, I was still crazy, and he became distant, which made me even more crazy! Eventually he asked for a break, which I didn't take well. It ended in me telling him to get out and that I wanted to end things. He didn't resist - he didn't even look sad! He just left.

 

A few days later, I cooled off and asked him to come back, but he never responded to any of my phone calls or texts. Over the next week or so, I did the whole grovelling thing - went to see him, only to be turned away - sent him long emails - long texts but never received a reply. Nothing worked and he told me to just "move on" and that "our problems were too big to fix". I'd never seen him so cold, and he told his friends that he would not give our relationship another chance. He made it clear that he wasn't looking back anymore.

 

During our time apart, I took the chance to reflect upon our relationship and what led to us breaking up. I read article after article about neediness, and why space was important in a relationship. I realised that before getting into a relationship, I was independent, self-sufficient and confident. But after being with someone who gave me so much of himself, I became dependent on him. I felt like I couldn't live life without him there - or just that I would be miserable living life without him. And THAT realisation was extremely important because it changed how I handled myself from there on out.

 

We went about 3 weeks NC - for the first 1-2 weeks, I was begging for him to come back, but he was firm on his decision. But soon after, I decided to work on myself instead - to try to be happy being alone. I will not lie, it was TERRIBLE. I would feel bouts of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks every morning waking up without him. It was difficult to get out of bed, and to live life normally. I tried to do the "go out with friends" thing, but I was always sad when I was out - because I would have much rather been home with him.

 

But I forced myself to try to find happiness despite all that had happened. I told myself that everyone I know who have gone through break ups have come out on the other side, alive and well. I took walks, kept journal logs and spent more time taking care of myself. I even created a morning routine of sitting down for a coffee by myself.

 

After around 3ish weeks after the BU, he contacted me but only about our housing situation. We had decided to continue living apart until we figured out what to do with the flat. I told him that in order for both of us to move on, I wouldn't want to live together anymore. Over the next week, he would text me every now and then with updates on his life. I replied in a friendly manner, showing him that I cared, but I never brought up our relationship. At this point, although I still wanted him back, I desperately wanted to try to be happy being alone.

 

A few days after, he asked to drop by to talk. It was casual at first, then he broke down and begged for me not to let go of the flat. He said that it meant a lot to him and that he still wanted to live life together until our tenancy expired. He said that he knew what he was giving up on, but he still had a feeling within him that he needed to be alone in order to know what he wanted for sure. This confused the hell out of me, because he wasn't asking to get back together - but just to live life together. I told him I would think about it, and eventually I caved (I don't like seeing people cry).

 

1 month+ after our BU, he moved back in, and we slept in separate rooms. We were unnaturally formal with each other in the beginning - with very minimal contact. But we eventually warmed up to each other, and because we generally share the same sense of humor and interests, it wasn't long before we spent more and more time together. After 2 weeks he started coming to sleep in my room every other night, and we got into our old routine again. But at this point, something had changed within me. I realised that I no longer needed him to feel happy - I was happy just being me! And this feeling wasn't borne out of spite or anger. In fact, I was happier than I ever was in a relationship. So while I allowed him to sleep in my room, I was no longer begging for him, or desperate to have him back.

 

It's been around 2.5 months since we BU, and things have pretty much returned to when we were together. He calls me "his baby" again and tells me that he wants me in his life in the long run. We've planned trips together and he hugs me to sleep every night, yada yada. I have steered clear of any talk of "getting back together" because I think it's too soon for that. I see this as a "let's live in this moment, and see where it brings us" state. We still love each other very much, and make it very clear to each other. On my part, I fear getting back together will end my journey towards being self-sufficient and drag me back into my clingy ways. I am not sure what he feels on his part, but eventually we will have "that conversation".

 

The point I am trying to make by this (extremely long) post is that life isn't always black & white. I used to think that "either you want me, or you don't". But where I am at, whether or not we get back together will be something I leave to fate. I will not spend my days devising plans to "get my ex back". Sometimes, you just have to accept the situation you're in, and instead of trying to reverse it, you should try to see how you can better yourself in the process to avoid it from happening again in the future.

 

People say break ups make you stronger. They really do. No matter how it pans out, if you take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to see the error in your ways, you come out so much stronger and might I say, happier. My view on the situation that I'm in is that, if I were to ever get back together with him and if I want it to last, I need to be sure that I can offer him a healthy relationship. That means respecting his space, not throwing unnecessary tantrums, and having a life of my own to live. And if we do not get back together, I know that my next relationship will be healthier and happier.

 

These days, he still looks nervous when he tells me that he intends to go out to party or to meet his friends, as though he's expecting me to blow up. But my response is usually a "Have fun!" or "Alright, see you later!" - and I sincerely mean it. That's how I know this break up was worthwhile. Because i no longer sit at home counting the hours until he gets back, feeling miserable. Instead, I study or watch tv shows (I love being at home too much to go out late at night). And when he comes home and tells me how much fun he had, it makes me think back to the times where I would force him to stay home with me, both of us miserable. I would never go back to a time like that. Had we not broken up, I would have never realised any of this.

 

So to any of you going through a break up, or a similar situation, try not to overthink things or spend too much time trying to reverse the situation. Instead, try to work on yourself. If you cannot be happy being just you, you will not be able to be happy sharing your life with someone else.

 

I'm happy to share more of my story with you guys, and share tips on how I managed to survive the immediate pain that ensued my BU.

[266696687]

This is my first post on here, but I wanted to share my experience because when I was searching for success stories 2 months ago, all I saw was tons of pessimism.

 

I was with my BF for 1.5 years before we broke up. For the first year, we were inseparable - we lived every second of our lives together (looking back, this wasn't healthy at all), but we were in a state of bliss. Once the honeymoon period ended, he started wanting time on his own to drink, party and hang out with friends (we're still in uni, so it was nothing unexpected). It was my first "real" relationship, so when I saw this change in him, all my panic buttons went off at once! I started doubting him, accusing him of cheating, hurling hurtful statements his way. I became really needy and clingy, restricting him from going out, and calling him non-stop when he actually did go out. He said he felt "suffocated" and that he feared coming home every day to me yelling. It didn't help that we lived together.

 

So somewhere around the 1.5 year mark, I was still crazy, and he became distant, which made me even more crazy! Eventually he asked for a break, which I didn't take well. It ended in me telling him to get out and that I wanted to end things. He didn't resist - he didn't even look sad! He just left.

 

A few days later, I cooled off and asked him to come back, but he never responded to any of my phone calls or texts. Over the next week or so, I did the whole grovelling thing - went to see him, only to be turned away - sent him long emails - long texts but never received a reply. Nothing worked and he told me to just "move on" and that "our problems were too big to fix". I'd never seen him so cold, and he told his friends that he would not give our relationship another chance. He made it clear that he wasn't looking back anymore.

 

During our time apart, I took the chance to reflect upon our relationship and what led to us breaking up. I read article after article about neediness, and why space was important in a relationship. I realised that before getting into a relationship, I was independent, self-sufficient and confident. But after being with someone who gave me so much of himself, I became dependent on him. I felt like I couldn't live life without him there - or just that I would be miserable living life without him. And THAT realisation was extremely important because it changed how I handled myself from there on out.

 

We went about 3 weeks NC - for the first 1-2 weeks, I was begging for him to come back, but he was firm on his decision. But soon after, I decided to work on myself instead - to try to be happy being alone. I will not lie, it was TERRIBLE. I would feel bouts of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks every morning waking up without him. It was difficult to get out of bed, and to live life normally. I tried to do the "go out with friends" thing, but I was always sad when I was out - because I would have much rather been home with him.

 

But I forced myself to try to find happiness despite all that had happened. I told myself that everyone I know who have gone through break ups have come out on the other side, alive and well. I took walks, kept journal logs and spent more time taking care of myself. I even created a morning routine of sitting down for a coffee by myself.

 

After around 3ish weeks after the BU, he contacted me but only about our housing situation. We had decided to continue living apart until we figured out what to do with the flat. I told him that in order for both of us to move on, I wouldn't want to live together anymore. Over the next week, he would text me every now and then with updates on his life. I replied in a friendly manner, showing him that I cared, but I never brought up our relationship. At this point, although I still wanted him back, I desperately wanted to try to be happy being alone.

 

A few days after, he asked to drop by to talk. It was casual at first, then he broke down and begged for me not to let go of the flat. He said that it meant a lot to him and that he still wanted to live life together until our tenancy expired. He said that he knew what he was giving up on, but he still had a feeling within him that he needed to be alone in order to know what he wanted for sure. This confused the hell out of me, because he wasn't asking to get back together - but just to live life together. I told him I would think about it, and eventually I caved (I don't like seeing people cry).

 

1 month+ after our BU, he moved back in, and we slept in separate rooms. We were unnaturally formal with each other in the beginning - with very minimal contact. But we eventually warmed up to each other, and because we generally share the same sense of humor and interests, it wasn't long before we spent more and more time together. After 2 weeks he started coming to sleep in my room every other night, and we got into our old routine again. But at this point, something had changed within me. I realised that I no longer needed him to feel happy - I was happy just being me! And this feeling wasn't borne out of spite or anger. In fact, I was happier than I ever was in a relationship. So while I allowed him to sleep in my room, I was no longer begging for him, or desperate to have him back.

 

It's been around 2.5 months since we BU, and things have pretty much returned to when we were together. He calls me "his baby" again and tells me that he wants me in his life in the long run. We've planned trips together and he hugs me to sleep every night, yada yada. I have steered clear of any talk of "getting back together" because I think it's too soon for that. I see this as a "let's live in this moment, and see where it brings us" state. We still love each other very much, and make it very clear to each other. On my part, I fear getting back together will end my journey towards being self-sufficient and drag me back into my clingy ways. I am not sure what he feels on his part, but eventually we will have "that conversation".

 

The point I am trying to make by this (extremely long) post is that life isn't always black & white. I used to think that "either you want me, or you don't". But where I am at, whether or not we get back together will be something I leave to fate. I will not spend my days devising plans to "get my ex back". Sometimes, you just have to accept the situation you're in, and instead of trying to reverse it, you should try to see how you can better yourself in the process to avoid it from happening again in the future.

 

People say break ups make you stronger. They really do. No matter how it pans out, if you take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to see the error in your ways, you come out so much stronger and might I say, happier. My view on the situation that I'm in is that, if I were to ever get back together with him and if I want it to last, I need to be sure that I can offer him a healthy relationship. That means respecting his space, not throwing unnecessary tantrums, and having a life of my own to live. And if we do not get back together, I know that my next relationship will be healthier and happier.

 

These days, he still looks nervous when he tells me that he intends to go out to party or to meet his friends, as though he's expecting me to blow up. But my response is usually a "Have fun!" or "Alright, see you later!" - and I sincerely mean it. That's how I know this break up was worthwhile. Because i no longer sit at home counting the hours until he gets back, feeling miserable. Instead, I study or watch tv shows (I love being at home too much to go out late at night). And when he comes home and tells me how much fun he had, it makes me think back to the times where I would force him to stay home with me, both of us miserable. I would never go back to a time like that. Had we not broken up, I would have never realised any of this.

 

So to any of you going through a break up, or a similar situation, try not to overthink things or spend too much time trying to reverse the situation. Instead, try to work on yourself. If you cannot be happy being just you, you will not be able to be happy sharing your life with someone else.

 

I'm happy to share more of my story with you guys, and share tips on how I managed to survive the immediate pain that ensued my BU.

 

Firstly congrats on learning to be happy alone. That is something important and I'm glad you were able to achieve that.

 

I think you should come back and let us know how things work out once you've had the talk. I don't really see your situation as having got your ex back.

 

Without an agreement that you are back in a committed relationship you and he are currently no strings attached and he is enjoying all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one.

 

He has you at home (access to free and easy sex) no longer wondering where he is or harassing him when he is out and he is free to explore other options because you two aren't committed to one another.

 

Yes you are living together but at this point in the situation you are in limbo. You aren't together.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if when you asked him if you are back together or if he wanted to be in a committed relationship with you he might say no. He could even use your past behaviour as a reason not to be together. He may never want to be back in a relationship with you but might be keeping you around until something else comes along.

 

Yes your behaviour previously was unacceptable for an adult relationship and I'm happy you have managed to work through those issues however I feel you are in a bit of denial and the real reason you haven't had the talk is because you are afraid of his answer.

 

I really hope it works out with a happy ending but unless you actually ask you won't know and could be just delaying moving on or reconciling.

 

The thing that concerns me the most in your situation is that he told you he wanted to be alone. He decided to stay broken up with you and hasn't asked for you to be back in a relationship. It just seems like he is keeping you around for sex and the flat rather than wanting you back. I could be wrong but he probably sees this more of a FWB situation. If you are happy with this by all means continue however if that's not what you want long term I suggest you talk to him.

 

I suspect that you really wanted him back knowing you had made some big mistakes previously (he refused to take you back) and want to prove to him you've changed so are accepting less than you want (allowing him to be uncommitted to you while living together) or deserve from him due to your previous behaviour in the hope that he will see the changes and want you back. This is a mistake. If you really want him back you need to discuss it with him so you both know where you stand.

 

It is sort of coming across as a desperate attempt to keep him in your life by any means necessary (including living with him commitment free) rather than letting him know what you want which is a relationship. He already told you he wants to be alone and didn't want you back.

Edited March 5, 2016 by 266696687

[Zahara]

My view on the situation that I'm in is that, if I were to ever get back together with him and if I want it to last, I need to be sure that I can offer him a healthy relationship.

 

So you really didn't get him back because this seems to me that your current arrangement is a casual one in that you both live and sleep together without the commitment.

 

Better yourselves apart. That would be the healthy way to truly attempt change and change takes a long time to cultivate. Not days or a month. I think you both just slipped into a convenient arrangement based on individual needs. I have a feeling in just a month, you moved in with him to show him you've "changed" in hopes of rekindling.

 

There is no reason why, if you believe you have changed that you cannot work on a relationship with him, if his decision to leave before was because of your behavior. If anything, it would be best to talk about what you both want from this. You dated him for 1.5 years so you both should be able to communicate about needs and wants rather than live hoping and assuming it's going somewhere.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Zahara

[crushedinthegut]

So, you never talked about being officially back together if not, you are just being co-living free booty, unfortunately.

[ilovemefirst]

Guys,

 

Her post is not about getting him back, her post is how she found herself and how she changed in the process. This to me is a success story, because she knows that with or without him, shes okay.

[TheScientist]

Guys,

 

Her post is not about getting him back, her post is how she found herself and how she changed in the process. This to me is a success story, because she knows that with or without him, shes okay.

 

I would direct you to the thread title,

 

 

However I agree, the undertone is she is happier and more content having worked on herself.

 

X

[266696687]

I would direct you to the thread title,

 

 

However I agree, the undertone is she is happier and more content having worked on herself.

 

X

 

Yep the title says it all.

 

I don't think she is happier at all really. She's in denial. She is pretending she is happy with this arrangement (or is temporarily happy because she has some part of him) when really she wants a committed relationship with him but he rejected her and is now using her as a booty call. She is pretending to be happy and okay with this to show him how much she has changed.

 

I dont think the OP has cured her underlying insecurities and neediness in just two months. She is just controlling them for the time being to keep him around until the sh*t hits the fan again.

[kasop]

The doom is inevitable. Hes using you til he finds another. Kick him out and heal.

[TheScientist]

Yep the title says it all.

 

I don't think she is happier at all really. She's in denial. She is pretending she is happy with this arrangement (or is temporarily happy because she has some part of him) when really she wants a committed relationship with him but he rejected

 

I dont think the OP has cured her underlying insecurities and neediness in just two months. She is just controlling them for the time being to keep him around until the sh*t hits the fan again.

 

God you just described me in my situation, but yes agreed, it's hard isn't it, you can't always tell, especially if your body is telling you that you're happy, I'm lucky enough to have him leave me which then provides me with the eventual realisation that this is nothing more than it is, but I would imagine live in circumstances make the whole thing so much harder as you're in constant contact and therefore denial. Until they bring someone else home/don't come home one evening and you're hit with reality.

 

Xx

[open_fields]

You def don't have him back.

If you are happy with this situation then thats great.

If you want him as your bf though, you need to just kick him out. He'll be back in 3 days begging to be in a relationship. So honestly, just do that

[266696687]

God you just described me in my situation, but yes agreed, it's hard isn't it, you can't always tell, especially if your body is telling you that you're happy, I'm lucky enough to have him leave me which then provides me with the eventual realisation that this is nothing more than it is, but I would imagine live in circumstances make the whole thing so much harder as you're in constant contact and therefore denial. Until they bring someone else home/don't come home one evening and you're hit with reality.

 

Xx

 

I do hope the OP comes back to read the thread. Sometimes it's hard to see your own denial until someone else points it out to you. The denial appears to cloud your judgement and also provides the temporary happiness she is experiencing. It does eventually wear off and you see the reality of the situation that or like you said above you catch him not coming home or eventually bringing dates home. Because of course he is free to do so because they aren't together.

 

Yeah agreed the living situation has probably made it much harder for her to see. However him telling her he didn't want her back but wanted to live together anyway should have told her all she needed to know.

Edited March 5, 2016 by 266696687

[ilovemefirst]

The title has quotations " i got him back"...shes aware that they aren't back together, but her post was to help others get through the tough times. Maybe she is still in denial, but it has made her realize, that she was needy and that she needed to change that. It takes time and it is a step by step process. This forum is where we all look for support and i can see that is also what she is looking for. Be kind:)

[Loveandflowers]

You're right how nothing is black and white, and I absolutely love your outlook.

My ex says he still loves me and is still finds me attractive/beautiful, which would give me a lot of hope if I still wanted to be with him. I still wanted him the first few days, desperately. But it's been exactly a week since the break up and unfortunately I have realized without a doubt he is not the one for me. I was like you, clingy and made too many assumptions...didn't let him live and couldn't relax. So of course he broke up with me.

However he still wants to spend holidays together and hang out each week. It's odd to me.

The sad part is I realized in this break up process that this was for the best, and I don't want a romantic relationship with him, even if he did want it again. It makes me sad for some reason, I still have have to grieve the break up.

I do love him and care for him, like no other. But there were TOO many serious, demented issues in the relationship.

What I'm sad about is also just not being in a relationship ..having that person to call yours ...it's easier to see that the heartache isn't all about him but about my attachment to being close to someone.

[266696687]

The title has quotations " i got him back"...shes aware that they aren't back together, but her post was to help others get through the tough times. Maybe she is still in denial, but it has made her realize, that she was needy and that she needed to change that. It takes time and it is a step by step process. This forum is where we all look for support and i can see that is also what she is looking for. Be kind:)

 

What she has done is delay her moving on. When he asked her to move in with him his reason was "the flat is very important to him" that they can live together until the lease expires but that he did NOT want to get back together. Them having regular sex doesn't change that fact.

 

Allowing someone to use you is not going to help the OP treat her underlying neediness or insecurity. She is merely postponing dealing with it and adding additional problems into the mix.

 

What do you think is going to happen when the lease expires? Do you think he will have changed his mind? He was very clear to her about how important the flat was to him but that he did not want to be with her.

 

We are being supportive and kind to the OP. We are trying to make her realise that accepting less than she wants from someone is only deterrimental to herself and she should want and deserves to be treated better.