LostOnes05 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Just be open and honest with the level of contact you are comfortable with. If you need to cut down the physical contact to 2x a week until school ends...then he has to make that sacrifice along with you (to maintain the relationship). A text here and there is fine, but just stay away from long drawn out conversations through text that can be 5 minute conversations via phone call. 1
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I have to agree with SwordofFlame. Life will never not be busy...so get rid of that excuse. If he was some handsome actor willing to fly you around the world with him, you'd make time. You already said you tend to lose interest. So, it's not anything he is doing but your lack of focus in the relationship. Relationships don't work these days because people are ONLY focused on what am I getting out of this. Both parties should enter a relationship with the idea of giving and giving equally. So if he is giving and giving...are you holding up your end? I also said that previously, I had reasons for losing interest. Like doubtful that the relationship could work in the long run because we didn't have chemistry to start with, etc. Holding up my end? I haven't done him wrong. Everybody is different. Not everybody is going to handle the situation like you did or like I am. I'm not sitting around doing nothing all of the time too lazy to drive to his place. I'm actually working on a research paper as we speak so hopefully I'll have some extra time this weekend and we'll see how it goes.
Summer3 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Actually I'm 25 and he's 35, so there's a ten year difference. Maybe you should meet someone closer to your age this guy might be too serious for you.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 Just be open and honest with the level of contact you are comfortable with. If you need to cut down the physical contact to 2x a week until school ends...then he has to make that sacrifice along with you (to maintain the relationship). A text here and there is fine, but just stay away from long drawn out conversations through text that can be 5 minute conversations via phone call. Part of the problem is that he says he understands, but I don't think he does. Or he understands, but he's still going to act "too needy" anyway. Because I feel like there's still this pressure that I have to see him every waking moment. No matter how many times I explain it to him or how many times he tells me he understands, I feel like he doesn't. We don't text too often or too little, but I do think he plays a little game with the texts. For instance, yesterday he made a remark (not sure if passive aggressive) about getting to see me this weekend and I said I have to see how much of this paper I can finish today, since it's due Monday, so I don't know exactly when I'd be over. I sent one more text a couple hours later and he ignored me, then texted me today saying he hadn't heard from me so he didn't know if everything was alright. I sent him more than one text and he didn't reply, so why would he be waiting for another message from me? Stuff like that...
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Actually I'm 25 and he's 35, so there's a ten year difference. Dump him. He is a manchild, no excuse for his petulance whatsoever. I thought he was early 20s.
Mrin Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Actually I'm 25 and he's 35, so there's a ten year difference. Oh well this explains a lot. Especially with you in school. I'm not going to address this guy in particular but rather a concern that was voiced in your OP - namely, that there is something wrong with you because you find yourself losing feels for seemingly great guys. No, there is nothing wrong with you. You're 25 and in a transitional phase in your life. Biologically, there is nothing telling you that you should be in a committed forever relationship. From a guy's perspective, I had the same thing at your age. I was in grad school and nothing in me said I should be building long term emotional attachments to any woman. By 29 that had all changed. But ya, don't sweat it.
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) yep...half-jerk and half-nice I think it goes deeper than than.... fear of closeness....or dare I say....the dreaded fear of commitment? If this is a pattern for you, I would definitely explore it internally. It's NOT the guys....it's you. Or maybe it IS the guys to a certain extent. Ironically an independent girl like you....who likes her "space" usually attracts very needy guys. It's a weird phenomenon. Edited March 4, 2016 by katiegrl
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I find it funny that you say you can't think of a reason why you're losing interest. However, there are a slew of them right here. 1) He's such a "nice guy" that would do anything for you and that puts you on a pedestal. Maybe you find this boring and predictable? 2) You're independent and have a ton going on in your life. So naturally you want space to do you own thing. Yet you say he is overbearing and comes on strong wanting to see you every single day. So I think that if you were seeing a guy that matched your independence and didn't make you the sole focus of his universe, you might be more into him? I mean at first, all the over the top attention makes you feel great like you said. But then it starts to get old sooner rather than later..LOL I don't think that him being nice is boring, but as terrible as it sounds, sometimes it's so nice that he IS annoying and over the top. Yes, I appreciate being told I'm beautiful and how lucky he feels, but every five minutes every time we see each other is a little weird. No exaggeration. I almost venture to say he also has some insecurity issues... I know this sounds horrible for me to say, but I'm just being honest.
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I honestly think -speaking from experience as I'm 43 - that you would do him a favour by dumping him. Not that it should be done lightly. It's just that at his age he needs a kick to change, it's getting to last chance saloon for him and he has a long way go.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I think it goes deeper than than.... fear of closeness....or dare I say....the dreaded fear of commitment? If this is a pattern for you, I would definitely explore it internally. It's NOT the guys....it's you. Or maybe it IS the guys to a certain extent. Ironically an independent girl like you....who likes her "space" usually attracts very needy guys. It's a weird phenomenon. I wouldn't say it's a pattern, the last couple of guys there was a clear cut reason, like no chemistry and I was beyond the point of trying to create it (which is impossible). But I do agree that is a weird phenomenon...I've dealt with that but not with anybody I've went ahead and actually dated so far (except this one).
LostOnes05 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I understand what you mean. What you have to do is remain strong in your convictions. If you say at 8PM "Hey B, I'm not gonna be able to talk tonight. Working on this dreadful paper (I hated grad school by the way). Let's catch up tomorrow." If he says "Ok, sure." and then texts you at 8:10 PM...don't answer. You already let him know you'd be busy. If you don't abide by the rules, he won't either. 1
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I honestly think -speaking from experience as I'm 43 - that you would do him a favour by dumping him. Not that it should be done lightly. It's just that at his age he needs a kick to change, it's getting to last chance saloon for him and he has a long way go. Actually one of my best friends is his age and said the same thing about his childish behavior. I think that's a whole new issue, based on his insecurities. He is divorced and was married to an awful woman (cheating, belittling, constant fighting, etc) and I think he's very damaged from it. He claims to have a learned a lot from it but I can't be too sure of what lessons those are. I could say the same about my last relationship minus the marriage factor. However, I also think we should be smart enough not to let that influence our future relationships...because I know I don't. 1
spriggan2 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 If he's such a great guy then you need to be a great girl and gently let him go, not string him along when you aren't attracted to him, only making him more insecure and more desperate, which in turn will only push you further and further away. I was in his shoes during my first relationship. It's a bad cycle. The breakup hurts really bad, but it gets better rather quickly and there is so much relief. And that is the point where he can start figuring out how to be more independent and self interested and assertive and less passive-aggressive. I don't see the necessary change occurring within the relationship, but who knows, everyone's different.
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Actually one of my best friends is his age and said the same thing about his childish behavior. I think that's a whole new issue, based on his insecurities. He is divorced and was married to an awful woman (cheating, belittling, constant fighting, etc) and I think he's very damaged from it. He claims to have a learned a lot from it but I can't be too sure of what lessons those are. I could say the same about my last relationship minus the marriage factor. However, I also think we should be smart enough not to let that influence our future relationships...because I know I don't. I was about to say that he is in great danger of being abused. He isn't like this because he was treated badly. He was treated badly because he is this needy. No boundaries, doormat. I don't know how men tackle this in their 30s but he is going to struggle no matter what.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I understand what you mean. What you have to do is remain strong in your convictions. If you say at 8PM "Hey B, I'm not gonna be able to talk tonight. Working on this dreadful paper (I hated grad school by the way). Let's catch up tomorrow." If he says "Ok, sure." and then texts you at 8:10 PM...don't answer. You already let him know you'd be busy. If you don't abide by the rules, he won't either. I agree. He really ticked me off last week, I told him I would talk to him later because I had to write a short response paper, and what does he do? He freaking CALLS ME shortly after, and leaves me a voicemail, and he sounds almost annoyed. THAT made me mad. It's like he doesn't even listen. I didn't call him back or text until after I was done, which of course didn't take too long. I reiterated the fact I was doing my work, and asked why he sounded annoyed and he said he wasn't, we just hadn't seen each other in a little bit and he wanted to talk, and he didn't know if I started writing my paper yet. Okay...but that's exactly what I said I was doing... 1
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