An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 What's wrong with me? Am I just stressed? The fact I'm feeling this way makes me even more stressed out... Since my last long term relationship ended I've had a couple of short-term guys and then I just lose interest. I've been in my current relationship for a few months but once again, I feel like I'm losing interest. Normally there's an explanation, but this time I can't find one. Like I never felt or developed real chemistry with the last guy, and the one before that said he wanted to be serious/exclusive but continued sleeping around. There's nothing like that going on here. I feel horrible. He is absolutely amazing and the nicest guy I've ever dated, he'd do anything for me. At first the chemistry was amazing and I couldn't get enough but now I don't even feel inclined to hang out with him and I'm annoyed by the thought of it. I get the honeymoon period ends at some point but I don't know if that explains what's going on here, I've been there and done that already in previous relationships. It's like I just woke up and felt different about him. I'm also pretty independent and I do like my space. I joke that I'm a loner, but I've always been that way and you can be independent and have your space even while in a relationship. He can be overbearing at times and I already told him sometimes I need my space. I've also gone back to school and all of a sudden I have a ton of work and numerous papers to write, which might be why I'm feeling this way. We just can't see each other every day or spend as much time together when I have so much to do and I don't think he understands that no matter how many times I explain it. I don't feel 100% on just up and leaving...but I know I can't remain in a relationship like this forever. I'm thinking maybe I just need to get my school work taken care of and then everything might go back to normal when the stress goes back down? I don't know what to do or what to think.
ff12343 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I would just take it slow day by day if you like him. Go with the flow. Don't overthink it. 1
alphamale Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 nicest guy I've ever dated, he'd do anything for me here's your problem
SwordofFlame Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I always find it odd when people use the excuse of being too busy and stressed with school or work. I mean are you going to someday not be busy and stressed by taking a low stress job? If that is the case, than I understand. 1
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 here's your problem How is that a problem, are you insinuating that he would need to be a jerk in order for me to maintain interest?
alphamale Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 How is that a problem, are you insinuating that he would need to be a jerk in order for me to maintain interest? yep...half-jerk and half-nice
GorillaTheater Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 yep...half-jerk and half-nice There may be something to this: I was snatched off the market pretty quickly ... 1
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I always find it odd when people use the excuse of being too busy and stressed with school or work. I mean are you going to someday not be busy and stressed by taking a low stress job? If that is the case, than I understand. How is it an excuse? Yes, I have a lot of school work. We don't live together. I'm not compromising my GPA so I can sit on his couch all night when I have work due. I'm fine with working a lot and I don't let work alone bother my personal life. I never said anything about that. Combine that with minimal free time to do school work and that stresses me out.
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 What it is that people who are super nice, don't say no and do anything, tend to also have the tendency to lean on you emotionally, come up with all sorts of expectations that are not mutual. More independent and assertive people say no every now and then. They tend to have firmer boundaries. Being needy isn't nice, I'm sure he is softly spoken or whatever but basically he is leaning. 1
SwordofFlame Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 How is it an excuse? Yes, I have a lot of school work. We don't live together. I'm not compromising my GPA so I can sit on his couch all night when I have work due. I'm fine with working a lot and I don't let work alone bother my personal life. I never said anything about that. Combine that with minimal free time to do school work and that stresses me out. I also have a demanding job that can be stressful at times. My point is, unless that changes in the future, than maybe you shouldn't be dating right now until it does change? If you're always going to be that busy, than you need to figure out a way to make it work. 1
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 I also have a demanding job that can be stressful at times. My point is, unless that changes in the future, than maybe you shouldn't be dating right now until it does change? If you're always going to be that busy, than you need to figure out a way to make it work. I do think you're kind of right, but I don't think that's a good reason to break up with someone. I see your point though. Sometimes I think it would be less stress if I were single right now, but I might regret losing him.
Jabron1 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 but I might regret losing him. It seems to me that you value him for his security. I think women see men in one of three ways: 1. The lover 2. The provider 3. The friend I don't accept less than #1. I think you view this guy as #2, maybe a little of #3 too. If this guy were Channing Tatum, I don't think you would be so busy.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 What it is that people who are super nice, don't say no and do anything, tend to also have the tendency to lean on you emotionally, come up with all sorts of expectations that are not mutual. More independent and assertive people say no every now and then. They tend to have firmer boundaries. Being needy isn't nice, I'm sure he is softly spoken or whatever but basically he is leaning. Actually I think you're right on the money. He claims to understand that we might go x amount of time without seeing each other, but how he acts says otherwise. He IS very nice and soft spoken, however, I still get the feeling that he is a little too dependent on me for happiness (or whatever it might be). That's what is off-putting, but I thought it was just me. 1
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Actually I think you're right on the money. He claims to understand that we might go x amount of time without seeing each other, but how he acts says otherwise. He IS very nice and soft spoken, however, I still get the feeling that he is a little too dependent on me for happiness (or whatever it might be). That's what is off-putting, but I thought it was just me. He is needy. The problem is, that doesn't stop until a person decides that changes need to be made. Needy guys can be passive aggressive too because they aren't confident enough to assert themselves. 1
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 He is needy. The problem is, that doesn't stop until a person decides that changes need to be made. Needy guys can be passive aggressive too because they aren't confident enough to assert themselves. It's like you know me, wow! True, sometimes I can't tell if he's being passive aggressive or just making a statement. Like when he says he "can deal with not seeing each other for a while, but he doesn't like it." I suppose it can be taken either way. There are a few little things that he does, similar to what I just mentioned, that can be perceived as passive aggressive. 1
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 It's like you know me, wow! True, sometimes I can't tell if he's being passive aggressive or just making a statement. Like when he says he "can deal with not seeing each other for a while, but he doesn't like it." I suppose it can be taken either way. There are a few little things that he does, similar to what I just mentioned, that can be perceived as passive aggressive. It's pretty common. Are you two in your 20s?
LostOnes05 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I have to agree with SwordofFlame. Life will never not be busy...so get rid of that excuse. If he was some handsome actor willing to fly you around the world with him, you'd make time. You already said you tend to lose interest. So, it's not anything he is doing but your lack of focus in the relationship. Relationships don't work these days because people are ONLY focused on what am I getting out of this. Both parties should enter a relationship with the idea of giving and giving equally. So if he is giving and giving...are you holding up your end?
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I have to agree with SwordofFlame. Life will never not be busy...so get rid of that excuse. If he was some handsome actor willing to fly you around the world with him, you'd make time. You already said you tend to lose interest. So, it's not anything he is doing but your lack of focus in the relationship. Relationships don't work these days because people are ONLY focused on what am I getting out of this. Both parties should enter a relationship with the idea of giving and giving equally. So if he is giving and giving...are you holding up your end? Have you ever been in a relationship? Actually just checked and it seems you have. You can't just give and give
LostOnes05 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Of course I have. Anyone alive has been in a relationship. It works the same way with friends, family, a lover. And I said give equally..which means you give and take, give and take. But if he is putting in 95% and she is pulling back and gives 5%, then it's on her. And if she is developing a pattern of losing interest then that says even more. She has to figure out why she loses interest. Work and/or school isn't an excuse. How will she work, get married, have children, or deal with aging parents if work is always her excuse to withdraw from a relationship? All relationships require maintenance...but from both parties involved.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 He is absolutely amazing and the nicest guy I've ever dated, he'd do anything for me. He can be overbearing at times and I already told him sometimes I need my space. I've also gone back to school and all of a sudden I have a ton of work and numerous papers to write, which might be why I'm feeling this way. We just can't see each other every day or spend as much time together when I have so much to do and I don't think he understands that no matter how many times I explain it. I find it funny that you say you can't think of a reason why you're losing interest. However, there are a slew of them right here. 1) He's such a "nice guy" that would do anything for you and that puts you on a pedestal. Maybe you find this boring and predictable? 2) You're independent and have a ton going on in your life. So naturally you want space to do you own thing. Yet you say he is overbearing and comes on strong wanting to see you every single day. So I think that if you were seeing a guy that matched your independence and didn't make you the sole focus of his universe, you might be more into him? I mean at first, all the over the top attention makes you feel great like you said. But then it starts to get old sooner rather than later..LOL
Emilia Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Of course I have. Anyone alive has been in a relationship. It works the same way with friends, family, a lover. And I said give equally..which means you give and take, give and take. But if he is putting in 95% and she is pulling back and gives 5%, then it's on her. And if she is developing a pattern of losing interest then that says even more. She has to figure out why she loses interest. Work and/or school isn't an excuse. How will she work, get married, have children, or deal with aging parents if work is always her excuse to withdraw from a relationship? All relationships require maintenance...but from both parties involved. Actually you'll find a lot of people on this site who have never been in a relationship A person has no choice but to match someone's behaviour? How about him toning down his giving? Surely the idea is that the two of you find out whether you are compatible? You don't just maintain something that has no chance of working. Same with family and friends. Boundaries are very important 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 OP, you say he is overbearing sometimes and you have had to tell him that you like a bit of space. So my question is this: How often does he want to see you? How often does he contact you? vs. How often do you want to see him? How much contact are you comfortable with in a normal day? I think the feelings you're having now could lie in the responses to these questions.
LostOnes05 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Of course I have. Anyone alive has been in a relationship. It works the same way with friends, family, a lover. And I said give equally..which means you give and take, give and take. But if he is putting in 95% and she is pulling back and gives 5%, then it's on her. And if she is developing a pattern of losing interest then that says even more. She has to figure out why she loses interest. Work and/or school isn't an excuse. How will she work, get married, have children, or deal with aging parents if work is always her excuse to withdraw from a relationship? All relationships require maintenance...but from both parties involved. And I'm not saying to stay in a situation where you are dreadfully unhappy. But if it is coming down to effort, then yes you can fix it. If it is a matter of re-establishing the groundwork for the relationship, have a serious talk about expectations (how long and how many days a week you see each other, talk on the phone, text, etc.). I know it can be done because I took care of a dying relative, finished graduate school, went to the gym, maintained a social life, and a relationship and almost had a 4.0. Was I stressed?...Yep. But it's all about scheduling your time for what you actually want to do and for what's important. If I couldn't talk I told my parents and the girl I was seeing so that there wasn't any confusion. They were still a priority, but I did need to focus without distraction at times and I'd call them before bed. That's just life.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 It's pretty common. Are you two in your 20s? Actually I'm 25 and he's 35, so there's a ten year difference.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Posted March 4, 2016 OP, you say he is overbearing sometimes and you have had to tell him that you like a bit of space. So my question is this: How often does he want to see you? How often does he contact you? vs. How often do you want to see him? How much contact are you comfortable with in a normal day? I think the feelings you're having now could lie in the responses to these questions. He says he WANTS to see me every day, and we text every day so it's not like we go days without contact or anything. I think he understands that he can't see me EVERY day, but still wants to see me more often. When I didn't have anything going on I'd see him a few times a week, sometimes spending the weekend there and it was fine. But it seems like going over to his place AT ALL is a burden at the moment...
Recommended Posts